~"I'll uncover Kira's identity if it's the last thing I do! ...So kill me, if you can."~
It's all back to square one, only with a difference. We have a new piece of evidence that will surly solve this case once and foreall. A notebook. That same notebook Higuchi was carrying around when he desperately tried to kill Matsuda. The same notebook Kira once had. Back in the investigation headquarters as always, I sit in my usual spot, biting my lip, anticipating this o-so-important conversation Ryuuzaki wants to have. Oh yes, let's not forget to mention that the demon-looking monster called a Shinigami is casually staying here with us as well.
It stands over at the coffee table in the center of the room, back where the glass stairs are. The sound of papers being flipped catches my attention; someone's holding the notebook. "On the front page..." Aizawa's voice starts. "'How to use it.'" He clears his throat.
"The name of the person written in here shall die. After writing the person's name, the cause of death should be written within the next 40 seconds. If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack. After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written within the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds..."
Heart attacks. Details on the death... does that also include the time of their death? I get an ah-ha moment. Everything makes so much more sense...
"And on the back here," Aizawa continues. "there're two more rules. If this notebook is destroyed in any means, all people who have touched the notebook... will... die."
I turn my seat over to them with a questioning look that asks if what was just said all true. "Die?" I repeat.
"Die." He confirms. Something's wrong with me: I'm not frightened about the thought of death at all. Shouldn't I be fearing for my life? Or should I at least be wanting to ensure that the notebook will never get destroyed? But I'm not... not at all...
"Waah~!" Matsuda cries, grabbing the sides of his head. "I shouldn't have touched the notebook just to see what the Shinigami looked like!"
"Then you'd have no idea what was going on." Yagami scolds. "Unless you would have rather been behind everyone else."
"N-No! I want to be on equal terms with everyone, yes!" he attempts to reassure.
"And the last rule: If a person writes a name in the Death Note, they must write another name within 13 days. If they fail do to so, they will die." A heavy feeling pulls on my heart, dragging it down, making it sink into my stomach.
"Wait, that means Light-kun and Misa-Misa are cleared!" Matsuda cheers. "They were contained for over fifty days!!"
"That's right," Aizawa agrees. "They have to be cleared by now. Chief, isn't that great news?"
I turn my seat back around to face the desk and rest my face in my hands, still hearing the rule bounce around in my head. I've gone hollow from the rule that was read aloud not even ten seconds ago. Ten seconds? No, that can't be right. Hasn't it been a few hours already...? Maybe that's how I'm processing it, like I'm in a dream. Hours of make-believe condensed into a few seconds within reality. Reality is painful.
A depressing thought slowly sinks deep into my mind; I feel a chill in my stomach, making it turn. Those words shattered a big part of me; I feel like I was just pushed over the edge of a cliff and I can litterally feel the sensation of falling. The sudden shock of it is powerful enough that I almost grasp for the armrests of my seat as if I'll stop falling if I do so. Once I come back to the real world, I can take it the crushing realization: Light is innocent. We were wrong. He's not Kira. Everything was a... waste.
I grit my teeth in anger as something within me snaps - my hope; the worth of all the time I've spent here, the goal of all the hard work, sleep deprivation, and a determination to catch this one mass murder so strong I was willing to befriend the suspect. To actually become a friend of his and continue to try and prove that he's guilty.
To let myself fall for the one person who could solve the case with both of our lives in danger the whole time and risk losing him... becoming so empty in a way that I honestly don't know how to feel if I had to face death myself, right here and now. Would I feel anything? I just want to solve the case. I just want to solve it and then... and then... then......
My mind for a while goes blank, silent. All silent... silent...
The moment I thought would finally give us a way to soon make it all worthwhile is really the moment when it all becomes a failure.
Because of that one rule placed on the supernatural murder weapon written in by the gods that created it, giving us no way to deny it, it clears the top suspects that have drawn up the whole route of this investigation. Because of that one rule, everything has been for nothing. Because of that rule...
"Rem, was it?" I hear Ryuuzaki, directing to the Shinigami. Speaking so casually to a god of death. "Can there be other notebooks in the world?"
"Who knows." The neutral voice replies, an almost undistinguisable gender.
"If there were, are all the rules the same?"
"Ryuuzaki," I stress, knowing what he's trying to do; and I've already made myself angry. "It's over." Maybe I gave up too early? Is it too early for him? Is anyone else surprised that I gave up just like that? That's all it takes to make him silent for a while.
"This case isn't over yet." Light says; I hear him stand up from his chair. I have a strange feeling of resentment when I hear his voice. "Ryuuzaki, I'd like these handcuffs to be removed, but I also want to continue investigating here."
"Yes." He quietly replies. "And... I'm sorry for everything that's happened until now."
"Thank God..." Yagami sighs in relief that his son is finally cleared of suspicion from the L. Cleared of suspicion by the detective who's never been wrong before.
~"Wait, if I write the name of that person in here and they actually die... does that make me a murderer?"~
Laying flat on my back, on the couch nearby the glass stairs, I stare up to the high ceiling, the only illumination in the room comes from the computer screen on the other side of the room. Last thing I remember, everyone went back to the rooms they've been provided at this investigation center; Light, for the first time, is actually getting to use his - and it was late at night. Is it midnight? Is it early morning? I don't know - the only thing I do know is that I've been laying here for what feels like forever. And just over there, still sitting at those computer screens is Ryuuzaki. But I honestly don't want to talk to anyone right now. Because of that one rule... this whole case is ruined.
I spent so much time trying to solve this case. All that time back in the old office. Getting into that college. Investigating Light. The confinement. The fake execution. The handcuff surveillance. Finding Yotsuba. Going after Higuchi... Backround noises pull me out of my flashbacks. Footsteps. Soft, light taps sounding throughout the large room. At first, I think they're walking over to me... but when they pass by and continue on, I become confused. Where are you going? I sit up and search the half-lit for him, only to see that he's waiting for the elevator.
"Where are you going at this time?" I ask in a quiet, yet not-quite-of-a-whisper voice; anything louder might have echoed. I wait for an answer, expecting that he was actually going to give me one. But after ignoring me after I repeat myself, I get up from the couch and walk over to him. "Ryuuzaki, what are you doing?"
He only continues to keep his eyes fixated at the elevator, which opens a few seconds later. "Nothing of your concern." he mutters and steps in.
"Excuse me?" he avoids eye-contact as the doors slowly close; I place my hand against one of them and force them back open, taking a step forward. "Ryuuzaki, you're not the kind to leave the building at any given time. What are you doing?" I ask, sounding just a little bit harsh. "Is it really nothing of my concern? I always though I was..." I find myself stopping there, the rest of the sentence forever in my mind and never to be spoken. So I wait, wait for the answer of what I asked before my words began to drift off.
Yet to my frustration, I can already tell that he has no intention of giving me any information whatsoever. Instead, he thinks that throwing me off will work. "You look tired, maybe getting some sleep will help."
Even more annoyed, I take another step forward yet maintain a spot that will stop the door from closing. "Ryuuzaki, unless it's something that will cause any kind of trouble by me knowing it, why can't I know?"
"Actually, that is the exact case of this; this is something that you simply do not need to know. It would better the result that way." I bite my lip and look off to the side, breaking the somber eye-contact.
"I didn't... really mean... that..." I mutter. "I really want to know," I beg and look back up to him. "please."
"Know what?" he drags.
"You already know! I want to know if something's wrong!" I plead. "You can trust me, Ryuuzaki. Tell me what it is..." I thought I had him there, that the softening of my voice would make him crack. But to no avail, he keeps his secret.
"I do not see the reason in you being worried. I just have something to do, that's all." His voice is good at lying, it can really convince me, however the dimness in his eyes give him away.
"Should I just not worry about you, then?" I challenge with a tint of bitterness in my voice.
"It's been awhile since you would be this irritable..." I would have attacked again if I didn't suddenly feel his hand resting on my face; his thumb traces just under my eye and across my cheekbone. "You really need to sleep." All the coldness in me melts away and becomes replaced with heat. My stomach swirls with butterflies and becomes warm as I stare dumbfoundedly back at Ryuuzaki - my face is so hot that it might be glowing in the low-light. My thoughts buffer and go into a long loading-process. It takes me several seconds to form a simple word.
"...R-Right....." I mumble as he lowers his hand; I instantly miss it. "I guess I haven't... I really just wanted to know." I continue, still a but dazed.
"I have my reasons. If you'll please..." A difference in his tone suddenly makes me regret if I came across as cold just now. I no longer even have words, I can only back away from the doors with my eyes meeting the ground. I watch the square of light coming from inside the elevator slowly become a rectangle from the closing doors, then a line, until it goes completely dark.
I close my eyes and sigh, turning back around. I slowly walk back to the couch, I walk back with my hand on my cheek, where his was not too long ago. I already long for him to do that again, for it to happen again. I replay the few seconds of a connection I just had with him over and over, wondering if it really even happened. It was so quick, it ended too soon for me. Did it really happen? Was it a just dream? It saddens me to think that I'm trying to savor something as simple as that. We've become distant - I've been distant from him. When I sit down, I curl up with my eyes shut, hugging a pillow and thinking about only him. I miss when I was closer to him, I miss when I was positive that he felt the same way towards me, I miss the feeling that overwhelmed me when we would kiss...
You're an idiot... I think while begin to loathe myself. I'm so stupid...! I grip the pillow and shut my eyes even tighter. You let yourself love him... and now you get to feel pain. Pain that you're not used to. Pain that can do so much to you in small amounts... My eyes become warm and sting slightly, making my eyelids flutter. At this moment, all the strength I'm using that makes me stiff vanishes. I wish we could be safe... that we can be us with no worries... I want to be with him, safe and sound. Can we just go to another world where that can be a reality? Where this is spontaneously over and he can help me find out who I am... we can discover eachother's past lives and then discover what has yet to come together...?
Why do I feel so empty?
Why do I feel so exhausted? Why are there drops of watee falling onto the pillow? Tears? Where are they coming from? Are those mine? Am I crying? That's probably why I felt lines of warmth running down my cheeks... maybe that's why everything is so blurry... I fall to my side, weakly hugging the pillow while my head rests on the other. We just had to be detectives... we just had to meet upon investigating the Kira case... we just had to fall for eachother in the worst time possible... him dying just has to become the deadliest mass murderer's top priority.
My breath shallows as I begin to silently shed more tears - I now remember how much I hate the feeling of crying. This is why I've refrained myself from doing so: I hate that my eyes swell up, I hate how my throat contracts and becomes sore, I hate that my emotions can take so much control over me that I can't even manually control my breathing pattern; it happens randomly and sharply. It makes me feel weak... so much as a thought is making me break down like this. And it only allows myself to think even darker thoughts.
Why is he leaving randomly at this time? Why are his eyes so pale when he talks to me? Why suddenly act like this, at this time when we've lost the hope of catching our suspect with a rule written in the stars... written into that damned notebook. Ryuuzaki... don't start acting like that... I weep to myself. Don't worry me like that. I'm already worried, goddammit! Please, get yourself together. Find a way around this... you can do stuff like that, you're L! Ryuuzaki...
I miraculously find sleep; I'm lulled into it by a soft chiming melody in my mind. Maybe a song I once knew, a tune that always relaxed me. But when I'm fully immersed in a deep, deep sleep... I watch images of myself as a child. I watch myself go through most days alone. I watch myself go through a few days talking to certain people. I remember their faces. One has white hair. One has dark-reddish hair. One is blonde. One has jet black hair, flying out in all directions but he never interacts with the other kids. There's a point where I seem to be in a full-on, lengthy interaction with that group, a group I knew a long time ago. The whole dream is absolutely silent; I can only read my lips as I say the names. Near... Mello... Matt...
Who are they? I knew other people besides Ryuuzaki as well? Just when it gets interesting, when Whammy leads us to his office room and seems to be saying something important, based on how intently we seem to be listening (red-head bailed within the first few words and a facial reaction from everyone)... the chime sounds again. It's louder, much louder than what put me into this sleep. They look out the windows, as if trying to find the source. It gets louder and louder - it pulls me from what I'm dreaming of. I try to stay in it, to ignore the ringing in my ears. The last thing I see is the second child to storm out the room, looking agitated. Me.
How I want to know what was being said so badly... why was it all silent? I think as the calming sound of rain is heard from outside.
~"That's alright, don't listen to me anyways. Most of what I say is nonsense."~
I'm completely worn out. I want to open my eyes and sit up, yet when I try, my body won't cooperate with what I want it to do. My eyelids are glued shut and it's as if my arms and legs are made of metal, too heavy for me to lift. I try to go back to sleep - a useless attempt. The anxious muttering of the usual group by the computers is piquing my interest of the topic. I want to know - why are they quick when they speak? Why do they sound confused? Why do they sound shocked? What's happening? Why is.... why is Yagami-san demanind to see Ryuuzaki...?
The mention of that name is all it takes for me to lift myself into an upright position on the couch, slowly exposing my eyes to the bright room. The sound of rain roars distantly. "Ry...Ryuu...zaki?" I mumble and rub my eyes. I instantly feel an imense fatigue at such a simple action: my heart rate shoots up and I have a sudden need for more oxygen.
"Ada-san...!" I hear Matsuda's voice from the area. Footsteps approach me.
Why am I so weak? I think, confused at why my hands are so shaky. What....? Light's voice takes me out of my puzzled state of mind. "You're finally awake."
"Awake?" I quietly repeat.
"You've been out for a day and a half." Aizawa says. The information makes my eyes half-widen. No way... that's... but my dream was so short...? I look past where Light stands and over to the group - even though they stopped the previous conversation I can tell by their faces that whatever the subject was is causing unease.
"What's..." I begin. "going on?" My legs are unable to bear all my weight at the moment and I almost fall to my knees, but I quickly use the edge of the couch to stop myself. "Ahh..."
"Here," Light helps me back to my feet. "You should eat something."
Yet in these few seconds, I'm feeling generally better. I test it by taking a few steps without any problems. Now I've gotten over the shock and can function correctly, but not without my head pounding with every little movement. "I think I'm okay on that," I start, not really feeling hungry. "I need water." I state while my right hand flies up to meet my forehead. Light guides me with his hands on my shoulders to a seat by the computers.
It's weird seeing him walk around without the handcuffs now. It's strange to see that he isn't with Ryuuzaki. Ryuuzaki...
"Where is he?" I ask as Mogi slides over a glass of water in front of me; I mutter a quick 'thank you' and eagerly take a drink.
"Ryyuzaki?" Light asks. I nod. "We would like to know too."
"You guys don't know?" I ask after downing over half of the cup.
"He did something ridiculous and took off." Yagami says with disappointment.
"Took off?" I repeat worriedly.
"Not anywhere outside the building, I'm sure." He adds.
"Yeah, Ryuuzaki's not the type to do that." Aizawa comments.
I gulp, suddenly thinking about this 'ridiculous' something that he must have done.... what did he do the night I talked to him-!? "What.... what did he do?" A second thought occurs to my mind the instant I'm done saying the sentence. "Or, actually..." I say and stand from my seat. "I'll go look for him."
"Wha-?" Matsuda starts. "Where would you know to find him?"
"Simple," I answer. "We're at the bottom - the only way to look is by going up. It wouldn't make sense for him to visit any of your rooms (that doesn't mean he may not have some kind of intent on doing that), and most of the rooms are offices. That leaves less options..." I bite my lip.
"I'll look with you." Light offers. "Let's just go past the offices and rooms, then."
"But... that leaves a few rooms and the roof area."
"It wouldn't hurt, and if he's not there then we just go from the top down." He's already walking to the elevator. "C'mon."
With no idea on how to respond to that, I quickly follow.
¤¤¤
The elevator zooms up and up towards the top area of the building, and with every passing second my anxiousness builds up. Why did I just decide to go find him? Why didn't I wait to hear what he did? What did he do and why is it making all of them so upset? Should I ask Light right now? 'Light, are you Kira?' As if I could simply ask that and I'd get the answer that easily. I'm too mixed up with how I feel about that fact: If he's not Kira then we'd have to start all over. But then again, Light, as a person... if he's not just acting... would be a very nice friend..... But if he is Kira, then, we were right... and he'll be sentenced to.... death...
"You don't think-" I nearly jump "-that he'd do something... risky, do you?" Light asks casually.
"Risky towards what?"
"The investigation."
"He has no reason to..." I reply. "Do you know what he did back there?"
"No, I had just gotten there as you were waking up." Looking at him now, his eyes are still the same they've been since Higuchi was caught. There's a blackness, a darkness there that doesn't take out the color, but it enhances any light reflecting off of them. They have more depth to them. They're sharper, wary like they were before. Does it mean anything? Does it give me any answers? Am I just too observant? Whatever the case is, the look that he wears now brings me a nostalgic feeling: the way I had to act around him before he suddenly, just after his isolation began, started to insist that he was not Kira. Never let my guard down, to continuously be vigilante around him.
The elevator is close to the room he chose. "So where should we check?" I ask.
"Let's check around the general area for a bit." He suggests "If he's not around then we'll have to check the roof."
"Why would he even go on the roof? It's raining..." I mention.
"It wouldn't hurt to check."
"Okay then." I mutter while the doors open. "I'll take the right side." I state while immediately heading for that area.
"Got it." He says and takes off to the left area with a slight jog.
The area is basically a huge hallway, with high ceilings. With every room that ends, there's a railing and a viewing area of the hallway below. It's a large, empty area. If Ryuuzaki were here, he'd be easily findable. So after a good ten minutes of opening doors, shutting them, fast walking, looking over balconies, rinsing and repeating, I reach a dead end with no results. Anxious, I hurriedly head back to the point of origin with high hopes that Light has better luck than I do.
We both end up meeting exactly halfway, both with the same outcome: Ryuuzaki is nowhere to be found here. With slightly heavy breathing from almost running back here and this thought in mind, I almost feel dizzy. I then quickly remember something - it's been almost two days and I haven't eaten, only that one cup of water. I shouldn't be running or trying to do too much until I can at least get that done. "No luck?" I ask with trying to regain my breath, hands on my knees. I can feel the start of some sweat on the back of my neck.
"No, you neither?"
"No," I breathe while staring at the ground, hair falling to the side of my face.
I see Light's feet step foward. "Hey, you okay?" With that, before he can attempt to help me, I stand straight up.
"I'm fine. Should we see about the roof?"
¤¤¤
The wind outside howls even louder; you could hear the screeching of it from standing close to the windows along with a heavier rainfall. Why would it make sense for him to be there? It's so unlikely... "Light-kun," I say "he shouldn't even be there, we might as well go back." We're so close now; the wind and cold from outside can be felt from here.
"We need to at least be sure." He counters. "It's not much, we can just glance at the whole area and we should be able to spot him easily. If we don't see him, then he's not there and we can continue."
"But..." I drift off as we round a corner to where the outside should be. No... is this even real?
All sense of logic is tossed out the window without a care in the world.
"Ah-!" Even Light begins his words with desbelief. "He's actually-! What's he doing?"
Ryuuzaki is standing in the center area of the roof, no extra clothes to protect him from the rain, soaked and staring up into the sky, appearing to be in an other world. "Should we call him?" I suggest.
Light draws in a breath, and in a loud voice, he calls out "What are you doing there, Ryuuzaki?" The only reaction we get is his head turned to us. "Ryuuzaki, come inside now, you shouldn't be there!" He shakes his head and turns back to the sky. "Ryuuzaki!"
"Maybe..." I start. Light glances over to me. "He'll come in if I call him?" The suggestions ends up sounding like a question since I'm not positive about that myself.
"How do you know that?"
"Well..." I'm not sure how to say it. "You know, us." I can feel my cheeks dust with pink and I rub the back of my neck. "It might mean more if I say it..."
"Oh, I see." He gives Ryuuzaki a quick look before turning on his heel back around. "Then good luck with that." He walks off. "I'll tell them that we found him and he'll be back soon enough."
"Leaving me to handle it by myself?" I ask with amusment, a grin reaching my face.
Light gives me a soft smile with a mutual-toned response. "Like you said, if any voice will reach him, it's yours."
I blink and look off to the side as he dissappears. I begin a list of things I should say to him. What do I do? Just yell like Light did? I'm not much of the yelling type, but I can't just go out there... Agh! "Ryu--Ryuuzaki!" I call. "You need to come back inside now!" He turns his head, but away from me. You've got to be joking... "Ryuuzaki! C'mon!" Nothing. "Ryuuzaki, I really need you to come back, now!"
Instead of doing as I ask, he motions for me to go outside with him. And he's not kidding around, which is the worst part. I throw him a confused look, and he does the same thing again, beckoning me to walk over with a wave of his hand. I quickly give up and decide that if it will eventually make him come back inside, then I have to do it. I cover the top of my eyes with my forearm and squint as I step out to the chilling night. Almost instantly my clothes and hair becomes soaked with rain, the wind cutting through my skin and into my bones. The wind in my face feels like flat blades of ice being pressed to my cheeks; by the time I get to half the distance between him and inside, I'm already shivering. Yet this weather doesn't seem to affect Ryuuzaki at all. His hair is flattened out and soaked from the water, his clothes are darker and cling all around him, but he doesn't look the slightest bit uncomfortable. I on the other hand already can't stand it and I want to go back as soon as possible.
"Ryuuzaki, enough playing around!" I scold at his blurry image. The edges of my vision are heavily darkened by my squinting. "We need to go inside now!"
"How's your evening, Ada?" He plainly asks with his usual undertone. I had to repeat the question in my mind a few times because it was hard to hear over the rain.
"...Huh?" Did he really just ask me that? "It's..." I let sarcasm get the better of me. "Rather cold, now that I think about it. Maybe that's because I'm standing out in the pouring rain."
"I see. How was your sleep? You were out for quite a while."
"Ah- I-..." I cut off my own words right away. No, I won't have anything of this sort. "Ryuuzaki, if you want to talk to me, then we should do it inside." I press.
"Of course, that reminds me of the conversation I wished to have with you." He turns to me, his eyes the same way they were when I last saw them, pale and dim of any shine or light. I gulp in nervousness; I hear nothing but a ring in my ears and the blood rushing past my ears as if all noises in the world had gone mute.
"How important is it?" I ask neutrally.
"It should happen soon." He answers.
"Then, come on." I say and bring my arm down to take one of his with both of my hands. "Let's go back." When I try to guide him back, he refuses to move from his spot. "What's wrong?"
"I at least want to know... where that ringing is coming from."
"...Ringing...?" He hasn't been this puzzling since... well, when we first met in person...
"Of bells." Bells? "You don't hear it? They've been ringing and ringing all day, it's starting to get annoying." I have no words... "Is there a church ceremony nearby? A school? A wedding?" Is... he okay...?
"Hey, let's just go inside..." I say and pull on his arm for him to follow me. The wind gets stronger and whips my hair around, some strands flying in front of my face. "C'mon, hurry up now." I could have sworn he said something right then and there; I heard traces of his voice, maybe a thought that unconsciously traveled to his lips, but I never heard it clearly. "Huh?" I ask, hoping for a repeat.
"Nothing."
¤¤¤
"Man, it'll take hours before we can dry up." I mope while attempting to soak up all the water in my hair with a small towel. After almost half an hour of this, I've gotten into a dampened state, not dripping but not fully dry either. Despite being inside for a while I'm still freezing, enough to the point where I'm worried if I might catch a cold or not. "Ryuuzaki, what were you thinking?" I ask as I join him in sitting at the top of a flight of stairs. His hair dried much faster than mine, obviously. He doesn't answer me, only keeps his towel above his head and looks down to the base of the steps below. I awkwardly follow his gaze and fade out, acting like I never asked the question. It only makes sense for me to try and talk right now since we didn't speak a word to eachother since I brought him in.
And that silence continues... and continues... silence... The rain becomes heavier... silence... thunder roars around the area every now and then... silence... I only stare down blankly on a fixated spot, nothing on my mind. Silence... When the room lights up from the windows in the blink of an eye and a crack of thunder loud enough to make the area rumble a bit, I already can't take it. "So... um, what did I miss?" I cautiously ask. He doesn't reply right away, which practically forces me to look over to him, to look him in the eye. "Ryuuzaki?"
"Ada, from this point on, I want you to do something for me." Those words only add an immense amount of weight to my shoulders. There's no way I can speak now, I can only wait and listen. "You cannot take as much charge as Light and I are - or rather, appear as if you do not come close to our level of observation and reasoning."
"...What?"
"You need to fall back, as if you were becoming slower again. If you know what I'm about to say or what the plan already is before we discuss it, keep it to yourself. Be at the same level as the rest of the team." Be... so many levels lower? "Until I can discreetly tell you that you can stop the acting. Can you do that?"
"Well..." I start, imagining myself in that scenario. A simple task, really, but I still have a question in mind. "Of course I can, but... why?"
"The less you know, the better."
I'm hit with a pang of anger. No, no more of that!
"Ryuuzaki," I try again, pressuring him. "I'd like to know why I have to do this."
"If you were to know why, it would greatly effect, first of all your choice in doing it, and secondly the quality of your acting." Before I can protest the reasoning of his second explication, he cuts me off with "Yes, that will happen. It will also fall together perfectly by you not knowing."
I click my tongue and roll my eyes, turning my head back to the empty space in front of me. "So... I have to act like I've fallen behind... to become slower." I blink. "That's all?" I finish by my words, but continue to ponder the whole thing in my mind. "Really? Why is it so important...?"
"It's part of a plan I have, I've even asked the others to do so as well."
There's no way for me to connect what a little acting game can possibly mean for everyone, but I can come up with one thing: "Everyone except for Light?"
I only get an expression from him that says 'Yes'.: "...I think it's time we go back now, and you'll see how it plays out."
"Wait, it's now? Immediately?" I question, surprised by the short notice.
"Yes, or at least, when we return to the room with everyone there."
"Okay then..." And with that being said, we stand up, but as he begins to walk, I stay behind. He goes down the one set of stairs and onto the hallway area where Light and I first searched for him, and it's as if he has no idea that I'm not following. I stay behind because I've had a burning thought in me for a while, I just never noticed it until now. I want to know so badly that I can't even walk, only watch what happens in front of me. He takes a few more steps before noticing, or he was assuming I'd follow by now but decided to turn anyways; whatever it was, he sees me now. He sees my fozen figure and my concerned eyes.
"Is something the matter?" He mutters from the bottom of the steps, so softly that I relied on the small echo of it because of the large area to hear it.
My heart starts pounding, to the point where I feel the beat of the pulse in my neck and hear it through my ears. A cold chill crawls down my neck, causing my to cringe inside. Say it... say it....... I open my mouth to speak and take in the breath to make my words audible, but I freeze again when I feel the heat in my face at what I'm about to ask. This is not the time to feel like that... I scold myself. This is serious... so serious that I cried myself to sleep...
"Ada?" Ryuuzaki pulls me out of my thoughts, causing me to stiffen up more. "What's wrong?"
The touch of concern in his voice at least tells me that he's really listening, that he'll probably hear me out. Maybe I should shake it off and ask another time... but there's no better time than now... I gulp and gather my courage, using every bit of it I have to ask him a certain question; a question that if I don't get the answer to will slowly burn me alive from the inside out. I recover my retreating voice. "Do you... Do you still love me?"
The part I anticipate and fear the most is now here: the response. "What do you mean?"
"I mean..." My emotions mix and create a new, foreign one, confusing me to the point where I completely break off from the sentence. "I'm... I'm asking if- that's......" My heart rate is through the roof and into the sky by now. "That's exactly what I mean: Do you still love me?" Is it that he's not prepared for a question like this? Is it too random? Does he really not know how to respond? With these thoughts in mind and a sudden wave of bravery, I decide to clarify it for him, the words leaving my mouth before my mind can even put together how I want them to be said. "You know... do you still feel that way about me? Do you still appreciate that you get to see me everyday? That I'm by your side everyday? Do you still want to be with me in the future?"
I slowly make my way down the steps until I'm standing a few feet away from him. "Do you ever worry about our fates because of this case and our roles in it? Do you ever wonder why I kissed you in the first place? I mean, I still wonder why you did it to me first. I still wonder why I can't imagine myself in the future without you. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life: most of it was back in that orphanage and then as soon as I got here, it was this case... then I met you... and now everytime I think of doing something with my life after this, it's always with you..." My voice becomes shaky as my mind decides to let out even more thoughts. "So I'm asking... are you the same? Do you feel like that too? Can I confirm that so I can decide whether or not to keep my hopes up? Because in case you didn't know, I'm not good with emotions. I'm not good with relationships to other people, not even my... parents....... so to suddenly jump to something like this, I'm having some problems..."
He only stands there and listens to every word I had to say in complete silence, the whole way through while I was too scared to make eye contact with him. ...There's suddenly a call by someone who sounds worried. "Ada-"
All of my vison blurs into nothing but swirls of dim colors. When I blink, everything becomes clear but that's also when the tears stream down my face. "Hey Ryuuzaki," I continue, trying to strengthen my voice. "Is it even worth it? Should we even bother in this situation!?" My voice was louder than the wind roaring outside at this point. I had blurt out a list of questions while expecting no answers for any of them. I inhale and exhale deeply, regaining my failing composure. Everything goes blank for a second.
What just happened? Was someone talking? Was that me talking just now? How long ago was it? A few hours ago? Just now? Did I even really say it... Yes, and everything I've said now has been said, there's no way to take it back. I let out all of my feelings at probably the worst time ever, and most of them were ones I didn't even know I had. And now I have to endure the answer, the response, words that might completely change how I think about myself and Ryuuzaki - which I never wanted to yet wanted more than anything else in the world to know. Did I just shoot myself in the foot or did I unchain a cynderblock from my ankle?
"Ada." My heart stops as I wait for the next few words, listening to his footsteps approach me. "If none of it was worth it, then I wouldn't have told you in the first place. Even if you told me first, I would have brushed it off, and anything that happened between us so far would never have existed for this very reason. I never wanted to hurt you... that was too much to ask for." I dare to look into his eyes, and even though the image blurred with tears I can see the sympathy in them, I heard it in his voice. "I wanted to save you from anything like the situation you're in now and at a time like this." And like an idiot, I choose that moment to fail at holding back more tears. "And something tells me I didn't do a good job."
I shake my head. "No, no you were just... busy... and I'm the one anxious."
I find myself in a warm embrace. "I'm sorry I haven't been able to show how I feel to you. But I want you to know that I've done a lot for you, even if it wasn't direct or I didn't outright say it. Please let that show you when you figure it out... I've never been familiar with a feeling like this and did what I did based off what I thought would work. But if you need clarity then there's no better time for me to say it. Ada, I love you."
I hug him back and bury my face in the crook of his neck and stay like that for who knows how long. "Ryuuzaki, let's solve this case and get it over with already." With that, I step back and instantly regret it - that was the perfect time to stay like that... just in his arms...
Such a wasted opportunity.
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*waves hand infront of you like a Jedi*
You will forget anything I said about publishing this chapter before Thanksgiving.
DO IT.
(unedited - again, exuse the mistakes)
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