Wow I'm slOW
Yoongi Focus
I really fucking hate myself.
I watched as Hoseok walked away from me, tear stains on his face.
Why am I like this?
I turned around, feeling that there was nothing I could do for him.
What is wrong with me?
I ran to my special hiding place in the crashed subway car.
Can I really do it?
I looked at the Boulder with my blood still dried to it. The memory of the night when Jimin came to me after his miraculous recovery flashed through my mind and hurt me. I knelt down on the ground and shut my eyes.
"Jimin?"
He's not here.
"Jimin, I don't know what to do," I whispered. "Why did you have to leave me?"
What is the point of this?
"I can't forgive myself. I can't- I can't let you go," I let out silent tears and held my hand together. "This is all my fault."
My fault.
"It should have been me," I scooted forward and touched the bloodied rock. "It should be my-" my breath shook as I shuddered. "-my blood on the floor- not yours."
All my fault.
"I shouldn't have sent you down there when it was supposed to be me!" I screamed at the rock, my eyes shut tightly. "It was all my fault! I should be dead right now! Not you!"
"Why do you think that?"
I whirled around, eyes blurry with tears, and saw Hoseok on top of one of the train seats.
The exact same spot Jimin sat on that night.
I didn't say anything. All I could do was stand up and look at the floor guiltily.
Why?
Hoseok hopped down and held out his hand expectantly. "Take it," He said. I glanced at his hand.
Not again- please not again. This is too much.
I gave Hoseok my hand. "We're in this together," he said. "I'm-I'm sorry for what I said."
I shook my head. Hoseok sighed. "I knew you'd be here," he said. I looked at our hands. I let go.
"You were right," I admitted in a low, guilty voice. I looked up and caught Hoseok's eye. "I'm... I'm weak."
I've always been weak.
"I'm a coward."
I've always been afraid.
"You were right here beside me this whole time."
Always.
"Yoongi, What are you saying?"
"That you were right," I confessed, tears forming again in my eyes. "I was being a jerk. I was being an idiot. I couldn't see all of you in front of me because I loved Ji-Jim- him too much. Because I was too stubborn to see you."
Hoseok went silent for a moment. Then he stepped forward and closed the gap between us in a tight hug. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. I sniffled, not answering. Hoseok took that as a signal to continue.
"He will not tolerate you declining in your health," Hoseok said. "He wouldn't want you spending time crying and mourning this loss for long. He would not want you to kill yourself. He would not want you to hurt yourself. He would want you to move on and be happy."
"I-It's so hard," I breathed. Hoseok shook his head, pulling back to look at me. "You haven't even had an entire day to deal with it," he stated. "I promise you it will only get harder- especially if you don't let go."
"I can't-can't let go."
"I know, Yoongi, I know. And you have time to mourn, but you can let go, and you will. Imagine he is standing behind you right now. Imagine that he is watching your thoughts and reading everything that crosses your mind. Is he happy or is he disappointed?"
I stood silent for a moment, letting the words sink in. I didn't want to answer the question, though I knew the answer.
Hoseok pulled me into his embrace again, just holding me tightly to comfort me. After a while, I sniffled, yawning. Hoseok kissed the top of my head.
"I love you hyung," Hoseok said. I hesitated.
"I love you too Hoseok."
iM sLoW bECaUse i cAnT hELp bUT eDiT aND i NeED tO sToP bEFoRE iM cAUgHt