America groaned in his seat.
This was the 24th time he had groaned out loud in the middle of the world conference and it was annoying.
A certain German was just about sure that he would physically combust sooner or later. Dealing with this crowd of idiots was no easy task, though one may be more troublesome than America, America may as well be the worst to deal with.
Germany was a very patient and kind soul, he wanted to give everyone the benefit of a doubt and gave way too many chances to everyone. Especially Italy.
He knows Italy well as a good friend, Italy has a lot of unused potential at his disposal. Perhaps one day the Italian could grow to become a bit more useful. This was one reason for keeping up with the pathetic romantic Italian.
But oh man. Patience can run so, very thin.
This was to the naive superpower of the world, America.
Germany can admit that he had shared quite a few interests with America, dogs, sports, and working out were some of the few. These small shared interests let him know the American a bit better.
But this guy was just flat out unpredictable, swinging from face to face.
America was spontaneous, you can never tell when his mood will drop or jump. Sometimes he is just as readable as a book, but a good lot of the time he is an open mystery. Everyone knows him generally, but just how deep does his character go?
As many possible reasons and sides America has, this does not excuse the fact that he is currently being annoying and Germany might as well punch America unconscious for the sake of his own sanity.
Germany was using every ounce of his power to not yell at America who was groaning loudly once again.
He creaked his head towards America, "America? May I ask why you groan so loudly in the middle of someone speaking?"
America looked up at Germany, eye bags heavy with a clearly worn out face, "Dude. Am I related to you?"
"........ What?"
Germany was now hit again by a stopping question. Speaking to America was like a fight you can't win. Once you feel like you know his rhythm he swings in an entire different style. It's impossible to ever predict or even overcome America like that.
America continued, "I mean- Prussia claims he's my older brother and so he's also your brother so does that mean we're related? And if I'm related to you am I also related to Austria, Switsy, and Liech? Or if I'm not related to Prussia what about Spain? He has like a million kids in South and Central America so am I related to all of them? And if Spain is related to Portugal and Portugal is related to Macau does that mean I'm related to China and if I'm related to China then does that mean I'm related to all of Asia-"
The mixed American was then cut off by a too-kind-for-his-own-good blond German.
"Ok, ok, slow down. Who are you most sure you are related to?" Germany asked. This was not even his problem. Germany could've left America wondering endlessly, but he didn't. The biggest flaw of Germany, he can't help but help others even if it sidetracks him endlessly.
"America, you literally were my brother." England stated.
"But then if you're related to me then all my other colonizers are related too right? If I'm your 'brother' and you had some kind of ruling over India then isn't he also related to me? India is related to a lot of the Middle East since you can not deny his historical influence!"
"And then what about Poland and Germany? They have a lot of influence with me too! And then if this is that and that is this- Who is my family!? This has been bothering me ever since that one time a bunch of you guys fought over who was my brother or something!"
America sounded completely lost, in which, who wouldn't if you had a million ties with everyone? You loose track of which one is true and which is not.
"Now that you mention it..... It really does seem like you are related to everyone!" North Italy spoke.
"Hold it right there you dumbass. We're not having burger bastard as our brother you hear?" South Italy growled, "No Bulgaria, no Romania, no America, none except the current which is me, you, Seborga, and San Marino! You hear!?" South Italy then, as per usual, hit his brother over the head continuously.
"Is there anyone who hasn't moved to my country!? Does that mean I'm essentially related to them if someone from their side has heavy influence!? Even if not immigrantly related, what about former colonizers with their 'children'!?" America continuously spoke like a crazed mad scientist trying to theorize what would happen if he defied the laws of physics.
Germany was basically lost at this point in this very strange technicality that is a nation's family tree. Controversial questions of his own existence began to appear in his head leading the poor man into an existential crisis.
On the other side of the room, the old farts were just getting started.
China started up,
"Well, clearly nations are related by.."
In order, England, China, and France stated their opinions.
"Cultural influence!"
"Land separation."
"Established bonds!"
England, China, and France all stared at each other after having stated their opinions.
Now, what happens when nations have contradicting opinions?
With the judgement and temperament of mythological Greek gods, the only option was war.
England slammed down his fist, "BULLCRAP! I CONSIDER HONG KONG MY CHILD BECAUSE I HAD INFLUENCED HIM TO BECOME A GENTLEMAN UNLIKE YOUR BARBARIC TEACHINGS!!"
It had been a while since China had an argument to vent anger, and it's the Opium bastard of all things so it was ok to vent out on him, right?
China's imaginary list of all offenses England had done against him flash before his eyes, China inhaled, "YOU SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU STOLE HIM FROM ME! HONG KONG IS BIOLOGICALLY MY CHILD BECAUSE HE WAS MADE FROM THE PEOPLE OF CHINA!"
China brought out his long memorized name every time Hong Kong had caused trouble, "REMEMBER HIS NAME!? HONG KONG SPECIAL ADMINISTRATIVE REGION OF THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA! He is an independent nation of himself, yes, but he is of my blood!"
All other nations present braced themselves for another never-ending argument between the two old men. It would be entertaining to watch, but overtime it just never ends and becomes a pain to hear.
To the pleasure of no one except France, France had interjected himself into the argument.
"Well, does Hong Kong call either of you papa?" France asked simply.
"Well... No." England trailed off.
"I am his teacher!" China declared.
"I do not care if he calls you teacher, does he call you papa is what I asked." France restated cockily.
"You- No he does not." China growled.
"Then there! You are not the father!" France declared simply.
America cried from the sidelines, "CAN Y'ALL HELP ME BEFORE WE SIDETRACK TO HONG KONG I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO MY FAMILY IS!!!"
France hopped to take his chance at having the upper hand, "Amerique! Perfect timing!"
France skipped towards America, "So do you remember our little lovely rant bonding time where we complained that we should be allowed to be whoever we wish to because our governments were being dumb again?"
"Errr... Yeah? What's that gotta do with this?" America asked.
France smiled mischievously, he knew he was on quite good terms with this embodiment of youth. No nation could ever resist America if he was fully convinced that something was good.
France had a way with words, factoring out traits just to butter up someone right. Now, he'd never dare butter up the American too heavily. America is naïve, but once he figures something out it's all over. He knows well that America hates nothing more than a liar.
It wasn't like he was about to convince America about something bad either, just an opinion to gain a score on England and China.
"Just like our dumb governments, they think can dictate who we wish to be. They send out politicians, lawsuits, protests, and other drastic measures to try and silence us.. However! Things such as law and order cannot tell me who I am! A piece of paper cannot dare try to embody the individuality of a man!" France preached like how he would at his infamous strikes against his government.
America nodded along with his, "land of the free" title starting to unveil itself as if it already wasn't out there.
"For example, does a feeble piece of paper say that a man I dislike is my uncle or father!?" France asked.
"Nuh-uh! I wouldn't even accept anyone as my dad in the first place!" America replied, returning the vigor France held in his words.
To some nations in the room hearing France's prep talk, they hadn't noticed what France's motives were.
However, now that America was noticeably getting riled up, they realized what exactly was happening.
'This guy's buttering up America to win!'
Buttering up America was an easy task, every nation in the room has done it. No exceptions.
But this wasn't every nations fight, and they've learned well enough to mind their own damn business. It was only two other nations who hopped onto calling France out.
England grabbed France by the collar and dragged him away from the now influenced American, "YOU BASTARD YOU'RE BUTTERING UP AMERICA!!"
"Hey, hey, hey, aren't I right though?" France retorted with a smug face.
"Don't, 'Hey, hey, hey' me!! You know well that you're trying to win over this American's dumb arse with fancy liberal words!" England huffed.
"Oh be quiet old man! You don't tell anyone what to do!" America yelled.
England and China had faces of doom, America's been conformed.
"Oh yeah!? Well back in my day-" England was shortly cut off by a familiar child-like voice.
Sealand popped out of the vents, "OKAY BOOMER!"
The 40 year old part British, part Nordic, and part military base tumbled out of the vent and fell with a loud, "CLANG!"
Nations who just wished to have a normal day cast aside the ambiguous thought and gave up.
Thus, the nations went back to their usual bickering, leaving the topic of America's family unknown. All technicalities aside, all nations knew that in the end, they all had to accept they were the only family they were going to get.