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At this point, I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest or explode. Maybe both. The anticipation of finding out my result and the fact that I had a seizure barely four hours ago is making it hard to breathe. Anxiety creeps into my head and stress creates more and more pressure within my body.
I took my scan about two and a half hours ago. It shouldn't take this long to get results right? Not if it's good news? I lean my head back and let out a long, sharp breath, trying to calm my nerves, but I can't help it. Behind my closed lids, my emotions begin to become visible in tiny salty droplets of water created by the stress of my unbearable situation and sheer fear itself.
My fingers shake and I cover my eyes with my good hand, letting out a shaking exhale.
The silence in this room is so loud. All of the boys wanted to come in and stay with me while we waited, but Kai didn't want anything to potentially trigger another seizure if I'm still prone to another. He said one at a time and to keep noise at a minimum. Everyone has come in and out at least once, some in twice.
I don't know what they're doing on the other side of the door, but I assume going between Namjoon and I.
The boy stirs in the chair next to me and I open my eyes, only moving them to see Jungkook waking up. He looks at me, one eye still closed while the other barely opened. His hair is a mess, sticking out on a few different angles. He was shifting and mumbling quite a bit, I think he was dreaming.
"Are you crying?" He asks in a groggy, deep voice.
I sniff and shake my head, offering a slight smile.
"I'm fine, just sleep," I say, looking down at my lap, fiddling with the tube of the new IV they stuck into my arm.
He does the opposite, leaning onto his elbow and scooting forward.
"No, you're not. It's okay to be upset," he says, shaking his head. His usual tough and competitive attitude completely dissipated. As if I'm talking to someone else. A softer side, caring side. "Hell, I'd be freaking the fuck out right now. Honestly I am and I'm not even sick."
"I am freaking out, I'm just too tired to show it or do anything about it..." I say, my lips twitching slightly as I look down, tears beginning to blur my vision.
His hand gently lands on my good thigh, rubbing it slightly in comfort.
"I know, I'm sorry. If you want to talk, I'm here for you. If not, I think you should try and rest."
I wipe my eyes and press my lips into a line to prevent any more tears from escaping. "I can't sleep. I can't calm my nerves enough to the point I'm able to sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me, Jungkook. This could potentially end my life, either physically or giving me no purpose. I can't sleep because I'm sick. I can't sleep because I'm terrified that I'll never wake again."
He stares at me intensely, absorbing every word I say, every word being processed and taken into consideration. He doesn't look shocked about my sudden outburst or the reasons I can't simply just sleep. But he's shocked about the emotion I just splayed out in front of him. The cry of distress I presented to him, telling him that I couldn't handle my own head. Telling him that the one thing I showed no care to the last couple of days was something that I feared the most.
Death.
But I'm not afraid of death itself. I'm afraid of how death chooses to take me. Will I die a soldier's death? On a battlefield, fighting for my life and what I stand for? Be killed protecting my beliefs and legacy? Or will I be on my deathbed? Fighting for my life from an illness that threatens to take my whole life away just because of a conk on the head? Destroy everything I worked my life to. It'd be absolutely pathetic and pointless.
I don't want to just die. I want to be killed.
It's an honourable death. It might make me sound like a total loon, but I'd rather die with a purpose, knowing that I fought until the end. It's something people don't understand.
Think of it like this. Walter White didn't want to have chemotherapy to try and treat his near incurable cancer. It was such a low percentage of that sickness going away and him living his life to the fullest that he didn't think it was worth it. The side effects of the chemotherapy itself would ruin him. Balding, constant fatigue. It would shorten his lifespan. He wouldn't live.
Whereas if he didn't do it, he had more time where he could have a normal life and spend it the way that he wants. He wanted to control his life. Maybe people didn't like him and saw him as too controlling, but all he wanted was to be normal for the limited time he had left, not be devastated for those few months.
He also knew that he couldn't leave his family empty handed, drowning in debt. He had to act. That's how his life got how it was, selling drugs and putting his life in danger with purpose.
He wouldn't let his sickness drag him down. If he was going to die, he would know that he died trying to help his family instead of laying around and letting the cancer suck the life out of him.
Of course I'm not Walter White. I'm Y/F/N. I only understand him, unlike others. If I'm going to die, it's not going to be the epilepsy. It'll be a bullet in between my eyes after I put mine between Hyunsoo's.
"I know you're scared. I'm scared. I'm scared for you, Namjoon. The future. It's unpredictable. All of it. All we can really do is give everything time. Let fate decide. I know it's hard to hear, but it's true. We can either stress about everything and assume the worst. Let the world crash down on us."
He gestures his hands down onto his lap. He chuckles a bit, shrugging as if he's embarrassed.
"Or we can have faith and hope for the best. It might sound a bit nutty but I believe that whatever we think will be the outcome, will be the outcome. If we set out minds to good things, then they will come true. Maybe not necessarily good things, but if we think only bad things, then that's when they occur. I think the reason all of these things happen to us is because of our lives. It's inevitable. But this? This is something we can hold hope for."
I smile a bit at his attempt to make me feel better. He succeeds a bit, but not fully satisfying my needs.
"Who told you that?" I giggle. "That's not a very Jungkook thing of you to say."
He grins, shrugging. "It's not. I was with Taehyung earlier. In the hall. I was stressing about everything and he had to calm me down. That's what he told me. He really believes in that stuff."
I let out a breathy laugh, smiling again. "That's definitely a Taehyung thing for him to say. He seems really in touch with those sorts of things."
"He is. I mean obviously if I have issues, Jimin is typically my go-to person like most of the members, but Taehyung is more eye-opening on a spiritual level or whatever," He shrugs, feeling a bit silly. "I probably sound dumb right now."
I grin. "For you, maybe. But you're right- he's right. We have to have hope I guess."
His lips part as he lets out a soft sigh.
"I know," he leans on the bed. "I just wish everything wasn't so difficult right now."
I let my hand rest on his bicep, squeezing it slightly in comfort.
"Told you I'm problematic," I say, hoping to crack a smile and I did. He laughs a bit. I squeeze again and stick my bottom lip out. "Aww. Our muscle pig is getting soft."
He scoffs and flexes under my fingertips. "No I'm not," he smirks a bit, giving me a suggestive look. "You're just looking for a reason to touch my muscles."
I roll my eyes, taking my hand off. "In your dreams, pig."
"Hey, you have no idea how many girls would want to be in your place right now. Admit it, I'm hot." He stands, flexing his arms over dramatically.
Same old cocky Jungkook is back.
"Eh," I tease, shrugging. "I've seen better."
He raises his eyebrows. "Oh yeah, who?"
I smirk a bit. "Jimin. He's pretty well-built. Cute face, sure, but I'm not going to pretend I haven't seen the way he fills his shirts," I tease and he furrows his eyebrows.
"Hell no, he's short and too short tempered."
I throw my head farther into my pillow, laughing wholeheartedly. Then my chest twists and aches, turning into a coughing fit. Jungkook quickly rushes to me and rubs my back.
"You okay?"
I stick my thumbs up as I finish and giggle.
"You're so competitive it's hilarious." He plops down next to me and shakes his head, a smile played onto his lips.
I groan, leaning back and rubbing my chest as it leaves a dull pain behind.
"Ah that hurt like a bitch." I say, clearing my throat.
"Do you need some water?" He asks, getting ready to stand.
I nod a bit. "If it's no trouble?"
"Of course not." He pushes himself to his feet and I close my eyes, hearing the door close shortly after.
I stare at the ceiling flat on my back with my arm across my stomach. How did everything get so... complicated? All I wanted was to take a single man's life. Sure that might sound psychotic, but why don't you try swapping a day with m and tell me how it is and how you stay sane?
My whole family- well mostly- is dead. My mother was never really mine anyways, meaning that my siblings were only my half siblings. I murdered the most feared mob boss's son, got dozens of innocents killed and killing far more of his men with my own hand. The people that raised me and trained me to be the person I am today are dead. Death, death, death.
Now, the boys who have taken care of me these last few weeks are either severely injured or praying that their brothers aren't dying on them.
Then there's me. 11 years in this lifestyle, I've been set on one goal. Trained for over a decade to reach it. Sacrificed the chance to leave everything behind and start a new life so that I could avenge my family and rid Hyunsoo. A lot of things have stood my way. Bullet wounds, concussions, dilemmas. Things that would go away over time. Heal.
But this? This illness isn't going away anytime, no, it plans to stick around. All of my years of hard work could be for nothing if this disease is able to disrupt my brain to the point I can't function properly enough to be able to hold a gun or walk without my body suddenly convulsing into a fit. Others will get hurt, I could get hurt.
A firm knock on the door rips me away from my thoughts.
"Yeah?" I croak out. The door opens, revealing a very short man who I've never seen before, holding a clipboard.
"Hi Y/N, my name is Irving. We have your results."
The door creaks open and I see a few boy's heads poke in. The doctor opens his mouth to shoo them away, but I speak first.
"Come in, guys," I say, waving them inside. They slowly begin piling inside, all six present, Jungkook holding a cup of water in his hand.
"Where's Kai?" I ask. "He's my doctor, shouldn't he be telling me?"
Irving lets out a small chuckle. "I specialize in reading these sorts of scans. I'm a radiologist but I'm also a CT technologist, so I'm able to be able to look at them and tell you what's wrong more confidentially and accurately than a typical doctor would."
He says, a proud smile on his face as if he's been waiting for this moment for ages.
I stifle a mocking laugh, pressing my lips into a tight line.
"So what are the results?" Jin asks from my left.
"Well it's bad news and good news," Irving shrugs a bit.
"Start with the bad," I say shaking my head. "Don't sugarcoat it."
"The CT scan did reveal abnormalities that suggested that you have developed epilepsy through your head trauma."
My whole world collapses. The slight smile I had before, mocking his cockiness has dissipated completely. My mouth goes dry and I blink slowly. Everything I worked for could be for nothing. I could be crippled for the rest of my life and can't do anything about it.
A hand grips my calf from the bottom of the bed, Jungkook. Yoongi curses under his breath, pacing back and forth while Hoseok stares at the ground in shock. Jin chews his lip hard and blinks, trying to hide the barely noticeable tears brimming his eyes. Taehyung lets out a frustrated sound and takes my hand, resting his forehead on it. Jimin shakes his head, trying to process everything.
"And the g-good news?" My voice shakes as I speak.
"The good news is that it's mild, just as we suspected. The scan showed abnormal activity, but not to the extent where I'm worried about you doing everyday things. Obviously avoiding triggers is a priority, we don't want to try test your limits."
"If it's mild, is there a chance that she won't seize at all? Like if her meds work and stuff?"
"That's a small possibility. Like I said, we don't want to trigger them carelessly. As for the meds, they're going to be a key part of keeping her seizures under control. If she doesn't take them on a regulated schedule, then they could affect her or stop working entirely, we don't know but we can't risk it. But yes, it's possible that the epilepsy can disappear, but it will have to disappear on its own."
"So what now? Is she okay to work? Like will she be able to train and stuff?" Jungkook asks.
"Her recovery will be normal, just try to avoid quick movements at first so that she can adjust. Flashing lights, loud noises, things like that. Other than that, we focus on other things. That gash on her forehead, bruises, her shoulder. And as for work, it depends on how she feels. I'm confident she can work, but training will be more complicated. She can still do skills, but I don't think full out brawls in the ring are the best thing for her, at least not for now."
"So we should just continue her care routine, but just include her medications?" Jin confirms, nodding.
"That's correct," Irving says, taking out a couple bottles of pills from his pocket and placing them on the table. Jin reaches forward and grabs one of the bottles, looking at the labels. "There should be enough there for about two weeks or so. We will always order them in and ship them to the house for you and even have extras in case you need more."
I nod my head. "Thank you," I say in a small voice, looking down.
His pager beeps rapidly, causing us all to look at him. He sighs and clicks it off.
"I'm needed somewhere else, I'll have to let Kai answer any more questions you may have. Right now, take the medication and rest. You still have a concussion so it's a good time to rest and let your body heal. Obviously this is still very new to you, we need to watch and see how your body reacts to everything. I'm sure I'll see you again soon, I have to get back at it."
He grabs his clip board as half the boys thank him, the other half including myself staying silent.
The room is silent for a solid two minutes. Everybody avoiding eye contact, looking either down at the floor or straight ahead, zoned out. The news hit us all in a different way. Some of which we are in shock and some of which we are angry and confused. I happen to fall into both of those categories.
Of all things I thought would slow me down, I never once thought of a medical condition. This is definitely different and honestly, I don't even know how to approach it or where to start. How to live my life again. Because if I can't fight and defend myself, then how the fuck do I live on?
I don't understand how this happened. Why me? Why now? Just when I was on the brink of bringing Hyunsoo down? He's weak, he's rattled. We should be going after him now while we still have the chance. But we can't. I can't.
"What now?" A small voice whispers. Taehyung.
"Now... we listen to Irving," Yoongi replies, his tone more low than usual. "We let Y/N recover. Give her meds, continue her care routine until she can physically start moving again and get back to normal."
I laugh without thinking. Everybody's eyes turn to me.
"Normal?" I say, a big grin on my face. "How the fuck do I get back to normal?!" I raise my voice, tears filling my eyes.
My hands tremble as I feel my world falling apart.
"I'm never going to be normal again, I'm never going to feel normal again! This disease will never give me the chance to have my life back or my abilities back. Avoid triggers right? That's all? It's bullshit, literally anything I do in this life is a trigger! And you tell me that we should just... let me recover? Maybe my physical wounds will heal but not this. Not the most crucial one. I'm done."
The boys sit or stand there, mouths open, unsure what to say. I shake my head, nodding toward the door.
"Just go. Please."
I rub my forehead, hiding my face in my hands from both embarrassment and being overwhelmed. I hear the door open quiet footsteps departing. Nobody tries to speak or object. They see how I am. And as much as it pains them, they know that I have to be left alone right now.
I look up to the empty room, a familiar face in the corner of the room, cloaked by shadows, smirking at me. I swallow and clench the bed. He steps forward, the rocks in his ears glistening as they enter the light.
If I weren't so drugged up or didn't know any better, maybe I would have freaked out or pulled a gun on him. But there's a couple problems. One, I don't have a gun. Two, he's not really there. Again. Leaning on the rail, he looks down at me, jerking his head toward the door.
"Accept it, Y/N," Hyunsoo whispers, leaning down, breath brushing your ear as he speaks. "You lost."
()()()()()()()()()()()()
Ahhh hi guys! So first off, I want to start off by saying, thank you all so much for reading this book and I'm extremely happy to see that a lot of you are enjoying it, it really encourages me as a writer and inspires me to do more, so thank you so so much 🥺🥺
also, 12k?! That's awesome, I can't thank you all enough. Not only that, it was at about 10k at the beginning of the week and it's truly amazing to see my reads increase by thousands in just a week, i can't even describe how great it feels to know that you all like the story enough to stick around like this.
I've also seen some of the comments, it's entertaining to see your reactions and thoughts, not to mention it feels great to see comments in general. I wish wattpad would add a like button for the comments to be honest haha.
Anyways, I'm sorry I haven't updated on time. I missed last week's update day and I feel horrible about it. I didn't have enough drafts saved to update something due to school and family stuff, so I'm really sorry about that. I'm going to use any free time of mine to continue writing up drafts so that I don't fall behind again. I shouldn't miss another date, but if I do, then I apologize in advance.
Well it's currently 12:40am rn and I have to be up early so I'm gonna end it here lmao. Have a good day/night, I love u alll 💛💛🥺🥰🥰🥰