Words: 8698
Couple: Ethan Auden/Kailas Patel
Notes: Here's part two of Ethan's oneshot, finally. Fuck I've been writing this for like a week or something so I'm really happy I finished. Just a little over 17k words all together. I really hope you guys like Ethan, because I have grown super attached to him. He's my new baby and I have put him through some major hell. Kk_Zoe is at least 30% responsible for all the angst and the pain Ethan goes through. Anyhow, please enjoy this last part of the oneshot, and please comment and tell me what you think of Ethan and his relationship with Kailas!!!!
Ratings/Warnings: vague mention of sexual content, language, angst, really sad shit, fluff
~@~@~@~@~
I don't think Lailani liked me much. From the moment we first met and onward, whenever I was around she just gave me a side glance, focusing her entire attention on Kailas with an adoring smile. Her husband was the same way, doting on Kailas and greeting him enthusiastically but offering me a blank look when I tried to introduce myself, like he couldn't wrap his head around my existence.
He was a nice man in general, he just didn't seem to like me. He, Lailani, Arthur, all looked at me like I was an anomaly, a tumor attached to Kailas that needed to be removed. It was a weird feeling, but not entirely unfamiliar. I'd spent my entire life feeling like I didn't belong, like I was unwanted by everyone. The difference with this was that someone actually did seem to want me around. Kailas wanted me around, he said it to me more than once, and that's what I cared about.
That's what I clung to like a lifeline, his acceptance of me, and as the time passed I became more and more attached to him. Every day he seemed to get more comfortable around me, until he stopped flinching when I got close, tilted his head in my direction as if anticipating my touch on his face, the way I would trace his scar idly.
"It makes me feel more human," he muttered to me once, hiding his mouth and nose in his hands, which were hidden away behind his sleeves, "When you touch the scar I mean. It doesn't feel like a scar when you do that, it just feels like my face."
"Oh," was my intelligent response, my voice cracking, and I cleared my throat with a smile, "I'll do it more often then, but only when we're alone."
It was halfway through our first year in high school when I finally realized it, how much I cared about him. Though maybe I didn't plan it very well. I was sitting on his left at lunch, my head against the table and facing him, tired. I was emotionally exhausted, and I feel like Kailas must have picked up on it. He was incredibly empathetic after all, so much so that I worried about him for it, and I definitely didn't want him in pain because I was in a low mood.
My moods were almost never dark like this though, it was so rare for me to be this way, and maybe that was why he was sitting so close. From where I was lying my head, I could see through his bangs, I could see both his eyes and his scar, and the angle made him seem even prettier. It was the spur of the moment, a mix of me being low and Kailas being a ray of light still sitting close to me. The one person who ever seemed to want me, and I didn't want to lose him.
"Hey."
"Hm?"
"Go out with me."
Kailas paused, a fork between his lips, and turned his head to stare down at me, looking confused, "What?"
"Be my boyfriend."
His eyes grew wide, cheeks darkening considerably as he pulled the fork from his lips and dropped it to his plate, hands curled into loose fists on the edge of the table as he opened and closed his mouth. He was clearly stunned, but this actually wasn't the first time we'd had moments like this, where I found myself falling harder and harder. I couldn't control it.
"Me?"
"Yea," I answered, "Do you not want to? It's okay if you don't. I just... was thinking is all, that I've liked you for a long time. I think from the moment I first met you. I know I should be happy just being your friend, and I am, but...," I paused, "I just messed up, didn't I?"
"No," he said, and I looked up at him, my eyes being the ones to widen in surprise at how he was hunched over, blushing, fidgeting, "I, um... I'm gay."
"Oh," I blinked, then sat up, "I wasn't even thinking about that actually, I guess I should have asked first if you liked guys."
"You're not?"
"I don't know, maybe," I rubbed my cheek, looking down, "I mean, I know I like you, but you're the only guy I've had feelings for. I think you must be the only person I've had feelings for, huh? Wow," I tilted my head back to stare at the ceiling, then looked at Kailas again, "Well... be my boyfriend? I mean it, by the way. I like you a lot."
"Even though I have an ugly scar?" he asked softly, hands in his lap, and my eyes widened as I leaned closer to him.
"It's not ugly at all! I mean, it is, but I still think you're super pretty, and handsome at the same time. Don't you remember what I said before? I don't care about your scars, I still want to stay with you. If you'll let me. If not, I still want to be your friend. I still want to stay next to you."
Kailas was staring down at his hands, palms up, fingers curling slowly into his palms, whispering so softly I barely heard him, "I like you too," he confessed on a voice like a breath of air, and my eyes widened in surprise, "Do I... do I deserve it? I like you, Ethan."
"You do? You really do?" I pointed at myself, "I mean I have a really big crush on you! You feel the same way?"
He bobbed his head in a nod, "That first time you saw my scar, remember? I... I hadn't felt... safe, with anyone, like I felt with you," I felt dizzy, my face hot, as he lifted a hand to slip under his bangs to touch his scar, listing towards me and leaning against my shoulder, "I haven't felt safe in a long time, Ethan."
I hesitated, eventually reaching out to him, holding his arm, "Why not?"
He shook his head, "It doesn't matter," he decided, head on my shoulder, reaching his free hand over to touch the backs of my fingers gripping his arm, "I still don't know if I deserve it, deserve to be happy."
"Kailas of course you deserve it!"
He squeezed my hand, "I want to try," he admitted, "I really want to try, so... I want to be your boyfriend. Oh, but," he pulled away and met my eye, "don't tell Arthur just yet? Or Lailani or Ennis. Not yet. They... they worry."
I didn't know why, but I worried too, so I just smiled and nodded furiously.
Kailas was... a friend. A close friend. More than that. I loved him. Once upon a time, I thought he loved me back.
We certainly had our ups and downs, especially when we started dating. He was insecure and anxious, I was scared of being left behind and abandoned, so I overcompensated. At first it confused him when I did things like bring him flowers and chocolates, his head would tilt with this cute but blank expression. It was cuter when he tried to reciprocate, picking flowers when we went on walks and offering them to me with his head down.
We started holding hands because it felt nice to be connected by our skin, his fingers would hook with mine and he would smile at me. He stared at my sweaters for a long time before I caught on and gave one to him. He wore it every day, hood on his head and hiding his smile behind his covered hands.
My foster parents worked almost all the time, so I was alone on the weekdays, which meant the house was entirely empty, and I could have Kailas over so we could watch movies, cook together, cuddle on the couch. He hated scary movies, I loved them because he clung to me. Maybe that was mean, but it reminded us both that I was there for him, ready to protect him from everything, even the stupid stuff.
We talked a lot. Sometimes we argued, he'd give me the silent treatment and I was always the one to break first, because I missed him. He'd sit with his legs over my lap and I'd use them as a desk for my books, I'd give him piggyback rides everywhere, even when it was warm and he wasn't hurting, we would go on dates to the arcade, to the movies, to the fair grounds. That was where we kissed the first time.
It was like we'd both decided to have the most cliche first kiss that could ever exist, waiting until the Ferris wheel had stopped at the top, nine at night with only the colorful bulbs on each carnival ride providing light like a rainbow. Fitting, if you thought hard enough about it.
I remembered the kiss so clearly, but what stood out the most was how warm his lips were, and soft. How he lifted a hand to the back of my neck and held me in place, how he was the one who didn't want it to end, how I was the one who broke it before the ride started again and someone caught us and started to harass us for being gay. I didn't mind it, I'd been called a faggot before and it didn't bother me much, but I didn't want Kailas to be put through it. He didn't deserve that.
Later that night after going on a few more rides and eating fair food like funnel cake and Indian tacos, we went into a photo booth to take a few pictures and ended up making out like the highschool boys we were, for at least forty minutes before another couple came along and shooed us away. They actually didn't seem to mind us, didn't seem to care they caught two boys kissing, so that was a good end to a good day.
We were together for a long time, all through high school we dated. By the time we graduated, the whole school knew about us, but by then no one cared. We were just a couple, we weren't odd because we were both men, it was normalized and common. We never outright told Arthur, but I got the feeling he'd known for a while, since the beginning. Maybe he picked up on it when Kailas started wearing my sweaters, maybe he caught us holding hands or making out in random corners of the school. However he found out, it didn't matter. He showed no surprise when it was revealed, just smiled at Kailas and gave me a side look when Kailas turned away.
Arthur didn't like me. Lailani didn't like me. Ennis didn't like me either. It was pretty obvious, and they definitely didn't try to hide it unless Kailas was around. I didn't know why, but then again there was a lot I didn't know. I tried not to let it bother me, taking strength from the fact that at least Kailas seemed to like me. At least it definitely seemed that way. Why would he date me for seven years if he didn't like me?
We shared so much. So many firsts were with him. He was my first boyfriend, my first real relationship, my first kiss, my first time. It was fair to say I knew nothing about sex when we first started going out, but damned if I didn't watch as much porn as I could and read every book and article I could get my hands on, so that when the situation did come up, I wouldn't end up hurting him. It was a good idea in the end to research the way I did, because it made our first time a lot more peaceful and pleasurable than if we'd just dove right in without knowing what we were doing.
I was careful with him, careful with his body, it was only right I treat him delicately when he trusted everything he was to me. The scar on his face I'd seen a million times by then, but the one on his chest was a new sight. Just as horrible, jagged and shaped like a star. I knew he wouldn't tell me what it was from, so I just didn't ask, but I did ask if it was okay to touch him there, because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.
"It's fine if it's you," Kailas decided, curling around me when I laid my head against his chest and kissed the edges of the scar, one hand buried in my hair and the other clinging to my shirt, "I trust you... because I love you."
The first time he said he loved me, but the morning after was when I first said it to him, one hand holding the side of his face, sharing the same pillow, just a breath away from each other. He actually looked surprised when I told him I loved him, but when the shock died down, he smiled, hummed, hid his face in the pillow and nodded.
The foster system released me when I turned eighteen, and the first thing I did was get myself a job. Thanks to the government basically owning me in the foster care system from the moment I was born, I was able to find an apartment I could afford, and Kailas lived with me there for our final year of highschool. He seemed happy to be there, extatic actually. I did find him a few times just sitting staring into space, looking confused, but when I would crouch down in front of him, urging him to look at me, he would relax, look exhausted, but happy.
"You're sure you're okay?" I would ask, the same thing every time, and he would nod, giving me the same answer.
"I'm just happy I'm with you here."
For the first few months living with him, he'd have nightmares. I never asked him about them the next morning, because it was none of my business. He would tell me when he was ready. The important thing was making sure he knew he was safe. I didn't know much about his past, how he got his scars, but whatever incident it had been was probably the cause for his nightmares.
The severity varied from full on screaming to just shifting around in bed beside me, but after months of working with him, they started to come less and less frequently, and by the time we graduated, the nightmares seemed all but gone. There were still times he would shift around and jolt awake, gasping, but those times were easy to deal with. All I had to do was lead him back down and sooth him until he'd passed back out, and the next morning he didn't even remember waking up at all.
We moved when we started college, taking residency in an on campus apartment complex, something a little nicer than a dorm room, thanks to my life in foster care. Our balcony overlooked the campus, just across from us was the hospital wing. It was a massive building that doubled as both a university for medical students, as well as an actual hospital. Further away was the main campus where general college education was taught. It was a prestigious school that people came to from all over the country, the University where Professor Inou taught before his sudden disappearance.
Kailas and I made a life there. We studied, we came home to each other and ate dinner together. I made sure he ate and slept, because he had a habit of "forgetting" because of his own busy schedule. Arthur visited sometimes, since he went to school there with us, but most of the time it was just the two of us. It's where I brought these bracelets, wanting something to share with him, something to connect us physically. I figured we weren't ready for rings.
"I'm not really a jewelry person," Kailas had said when he opened the box, though his eyes were wide, clearly enamored and touched by the gift.
"Well then what's with that necklace you've been wearing from the moment we met?" I teased, and his eyes widened even more, face draining of color as he covered the small pendant with his hand.
"Th-this isn't anything, it's a trinket, it-."
I laughed, reaching out to cup his face with my hands, squeezing his cheeks until he'd pouted in annoyance, "I'm just teasing you, baby, you know I don't mean anything by it."
Kailas just looked off to the side, the pout remaining even after I'd pulled my hands away, "You shouldn't waste your money on things like this, Ethan."
"I saved up specifically to get these, don't worry," I pulled out the second bracelet, holding it out for Kailas to see, "You can pick which one you want."
He huffed out, rolling his eyes. In the end I was the one who gave him the lock bracelet, and for all his previous complaining, he seemed happy to wear it, even refused to take it off when someone brought that up, claiming he was going to wear it forever and to back off. It was those little things that I found so enticing about him, so honestly cute.
Every day I spent with him I just loved him more and more. Every odd quirk and stupid argument, the fact his response to being mad at me was to give me the silent treatment and pout until I apologized. It was horribly effective, too, because I was so whipped by then he could get away with anything. Not to mention most of the time our little disagreements were my fault anyway. My stubbornness could cause a few problems in our relationship. I was lucky he was patient, also lucky he loved me like I loved him.
I knew it was normally on my shoulders when we argued, because any sign of negativity or violence and Kailas coiled back. He was too timid and anxious to start fights, so it was entirely up to me to start and end them. Luckily we didn't have many disagreements as it was. Our home life was actually incredibly well rounded, and I think Kailas liked it that way. Calm, quiet, peaceful, just the two of us curled up on the couch or lying together in our bed. It was predictable and it was perfect.
Sure there were a few things that bugged me, but they never seemed important enough to bother Kailas about. I never learned where his scars came from. I had no idea what happened to his face, what happened to his chest, and the few times I would ask, he would just get this... look on his face. Never told me, just got quiet, and I hated seeing that painful look on his face, so I just stopped asking.
I wanted to know, and I wanted to know about his past before I met him. I'd never met his parents, and the one time I brought it up, he begged me not to ask again. There were pieces of his life I didn't know about, but I knew everything else, and I tried to take comfort out of that fact. Our relationship was an incomplete puzzle where Kailas kept the most important pieces hidden away in his pockets, and I wished he would bare those last final pieces to me, but if he wasn't ready, then I had no right to push him.
Aside from those small problems, the rest of our life together was perfect. Honestly I thought we would be together forever, and as our sixth year dating came to a close, that was when I secretly started to look through jewelry websites online; because the only thing that could make this better was if we were married.
Maybe I waited too long, though. I don't actually remember the day the bombs fell, the war had been going on for quite a while now, but for the longest time I foolishly assumed we would avoid it. Then the bombs fell. Somehow most of the big university buildings avoided destruction, but panic still rushed through the campus. I was not spared that panic, and I didn't calm down until I finally found Kailas, still in his social studies classroom, leaning against the window frame and watching the jets shoot past in the gray sky.
I was honestly mad he was just standing there, stationary, wondering why he wasn't seeking out shelter. At the same time I was glad he stayed put, because it made it easier for me to find him.
"Kailas!" I pushed past students so I could squeeze myself into the room, where Kailas backed away from the window and looked at me from over his shoulder, turning fully to meet me as I threw my arms around him, pulling him as close as I could and gritting my teeth as I glared out the window.
"I'm okay," he assured, hands curled into my shirt at my sides, chin sitting perfectly on my shoulder, "It doesn't look like they're aiming for the college at all."
"There are probably more important government buildings. Hitting the police stations and things like that," I muttered, one hand holding the back of his head, "We need to get out of here, baby."
"If they're not coming at us then we shouldn't leave campus," Kailas argued, pulling away and turning, though he continued to cling to the sleeve of my coat as he looked out the window, "... we need to find Arthur, Ethan."
I gave a huff and nodded in agreement, moving closer and wrapping an arm around him as I looked out the window, "What class does he have right now? Would he be at the hospital."
"Definitely. People might he hurt, Arthur would try to help."
"Then let's go find him and help him how we can. Stay close to me, alright?"
"I know, I will."
All I wanted to do was protect him. All I ever wanted to do was keep him safe. The bombs just made it harder. We found Arthur doing exactly what Kailas said he'd be doing, helping people who'd been injured and dragged there to the hospital, and for hours the three of us ran around giving aid to as many people as we could.
When the bombing finally stopped that night, the three of us went in search of the rest of Arthur's family, then took shelter with Lailani at the Inou estate, which had been miraculously spared. The bombs seemed to have hit specific areas, like transportation and government buildings, gas stations and even power plants. We were completely cut off from everyone and everything.
Months passed and things just got worse, we had to shut and lock the massive cast iron gates, barricading ourselves in to avoid rogues and other dangerous situations. Luckily Lailani was prepared for just about everything, as if she'd already predicted the end of the world.
The cellar was filled to bursting with canned and boxed foods, there was a storage building stuffed with gas cans to feed the generators, and we got all our water from a well on the property, or from rainfall. We were self sufficient, but stuck.
I was grateful that Kailas was able to get comfort from me, mainly when we were alone. Normally in front of the others he put on a face and acted like he wasn't bothered by what had happened, he helped Lailani around the house, helped Arthur and Ian with their sister, who seemed incredibly shaken up, and he tried to socialize with everyone equally.
After each day ended, though, we would fall in bed together and he would either cry against me or just stare blankly at the ceiling in complete silence.
"I don't know if I'm happy this world is over, or sad," was how he started the conversation the evening of yet another incident. Or I suppose reunions aren't really incidents.
"What do you mean?" I urged him on, one arm curled around him, my thumb rubbing his shoulder.
It was getting darker, we had retired to our room after dinner and were just lying together. Kailas had cried for thirty minutes that night, less than he usually did, which was a good thing. Or maybe a bad thing. He was turned on his side and using my chest as a pillow, one arm around my waist.
"What good was going on in the world before now? I'm surprised a war didn't start sooner."
"Does individual good count?"
"I guess to some extent," he mumbled, rubbing his cheek against my shirt, "I should be happy. You didn't get hurt and... I don't know what I would have done if you had."
"Baby I'm not going anywhere," I whispered to him, burying my face in his auburn hair and closing my eyes, "I'm not getting hurt, I'll be right here always."
"Just don't promise anything," Kailas decided, "I believe you, you're too stubborn to get hurt or die anyway, but the minute you promise you'll be here, something's going to happen."
"I think you're a little paranoid baby," I tried to tease him, but he just rolled his face against my chest in clear unamusement.
So I pulled the covers higher, both my arms wrapping tightly around him, chin in his hair as I stared up at the ceiling. He was finally falling asleep, relaxing fully, when someone knocked furiously on the door, making him jerk awake and sit up, rubbing at his eyes.
"Jeeze, now what's going on?" I asked ti no one really, watching as Kailas got up and hurried to open the door for Lailani.
"What happened?"
"There's someone at the gate," was the answer, "I saw him from the porch, he called out to me, knew my name, but I don't recognize him. I woke up Arthur and Ian as well, Ian grabbed a gun."
"There are guns here?" I asked as I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, and Lailani offered me a half-second glance before turning away.
We followed her to the front door where Ian and Arthur were peering out the window. The driveway was pretty long already, and there weren't exactly bushes to hide behind while creeping to the gate. There was no way we'd be able to sneak up, but I could see the man Lailani had mentioned, standing at the gate with his arms hooked through the bars and his head against one of them, leaning against them. Even from the distance we stood at I could tell he was tired.
"We can't just leave him out there to get slaughtered," Kailas said, and Lailani hummed, head tilting and one brow quirking up as if to say 'well we could'.
"Let's confront him then," Ian said, rifle in hand. I'd never seen him handle a gun before, so I didn't know if he could use it, but decided not to question him.
"I'll go too," Kailas said, looking at Lailani, "Can I have a gun?"
Lailani hesitated at that, and I quickly protested, "You're not handling a gun and you're not going out there, it's too dangerous," he gave me a blank expression, and I already knew he was going to come, because I couldn't say no to him for very long.
I wasn't fucking happy about it though, shoulders hunched and muttering to myself as I followed behind Kailas, Ian, and Lailani while Arthur stayed at the house with Bethany.
"We don't want any trouble," Lailani revealed once we'd gotten close enough to the gate, and I reached out to Kailas' arm, pulling him a few steps back and standing in front of him despite his whispered protest and the fist clenched in the back of my shirt, "State your business or back away before you're shot."
"God damn, woman!" the man exclaimed, completely out of nowhere, swaying back and throwing his hands up, "I got shot at too much overseas, finally I get home and now I'm getting shot at again?! Fuck that!" he waved a hand into his chest, "You seriously don't recognize me?!"
Lailani squinted, Ian's head tilted, and the man seemed to deflate. I certainly didn't recognize him. His hair was jet black and somewhat shaggy, dark stubble along his jaw and eyes dark blue. He looked dirtied and tired, a large gun hanging on his back, dressed in military uniform torn in some places, bandages wrapped around his thigh and his upper arm.
"It's Cass, you guys, how do you not recognize me?" he whined, and I furrowed my brow as Ian slowly lowered his gun, eyes wide.
Kailas eased back around me, "Worm?"
"Ah!" the man held a finger up, "I got by Cassius now actually. There's no way I would've survived bootcamp with a name like Worm."
"Open the gate," Lailani said, and I shifted forward to help Ian pry the gate a crack open after Lailani unlocked it, quickly shutting and locking it once the marine had slipped into the yard to stand with us, waving Ian and I aside and closing the gate with one hand.
Like he was showing off or something.
Then he turned, and the first thing he did was take large steps forward and throw his arms around Kailas, squeezing him in a hug and laughing as Kailas let his hands hover over his back, not touching him.
"Oh man, Kai, last time I saw you...," his voice broke, and he curled more around Kailas, face hidden against his shoulder as Kailas winced, "You look so much better now. Oh man and you're still alive!" he pulled away, grinning at Lailani, who was suddenly smiling brightly, "All of you are! Is Arthur okay? Beth?"
"Yea they're at the house," Ian revealed, hanging his rifle over his shoulder and glancing at the gate, "We should go now, before someone sees us outside. There are a lot of rogues around here."
Unlike the rest of us, Arthur recognized Cass instantly, crying and hugging him, and for a moment I didn't exist, standing to the side and watching them and Kailas, the three of them curled around one another in a tight group hug. Kailas didn't cry, but he looked dizzy and out of it, like he was tired from holding in even more tears. I wanted to help, I wanted to hold him, but somehow I didn't think I'd be welcome if I approached them. I was just an extra right now, I had no business being with them. Or with Kailas.
I winced at the thought, then shook my head, and finally Cass looked noticed me, pointing.
"Right, and who's this guy? Never expected a new face."
"Ethan," I greeted, sticking a hand out for him to shake.
"He, um... came here with Kailas," Arthur revealed, and Kailas flicked his eyes to Cass.
"My boyfriend."
Cass seemed to have a seizure, stuttering and gaping at Kailas, "He's your what now?" he lifted a hand to his head, staring into space, "How long was I gone?"
I immediately felt myself tense protectively, "Do you have some kind of problem with him being gay?" I asked, and Kailas cast me a scolding look, but Cass didn't seem to pick up on my tone as he rubbed his head.
"I've known he was gay since we were, like, eleven," he admitted, and Kailas turned to gape at him, "I just never expected to come home and discover he was in a relationship. I mean, honestly, I didn't think he'd date at all, especially after-," he was cut off when Arthur threw a fist into his chest, making him grunt and curl forward, groaning and holding his chest, "Dude... why would you do that?"
"I think it's just surprising to you because you're tired from traveling all the way here from Europe," Arthur said stiffly, lifting a hand to push his glasses higher, "You'll have to tell us about it tomorrow, after we've all gotten some sleep."
"We're reunited not forty minutes after being apart for almost nine years and the first thing you do is punch me? When did you get so mean and violent?"
"Bed," Arthur stated simply, hands on his hips, and Cass sunk back with his own raised in defeat, muttering under his breath as Lailani chuckled and offered to show him to a guest room.
He was next to Kailas before following her, leaning close to whisper, and I kept my head turned and my eyes on the far wall like I wasn't paying attention to them, but I kept my ears open, and I heard what Cass whispered.
"I'm glad to see you again, Kai. Last time, when you were in the hospital... you just look a lot better, healthier. Your face... looks better too."
"I feel better," Kailas answered in a quiet response, "I really do. It's good to have you back, Worm."
"Cass, please. Honestly, I'm twenty now, I'm too old for that goofy name."
"Right, sorry, just... I'm just used to it."
"I know man. Hey, and I wanna talk later, about that guy," he tipped his head in my direction without looking at me, I pretended to be fascinated with my fingernails, "I mean I always thought... I'm curious is all. So long as you're happy."
"I'm happy," Kailas said, his voice getting even quieter afterwards, "Cass I'm happier than I think I deserve."
"Don't say that, man. None of what happened was your fault. You deserve it, so enjoy it. I'll see you in the morning."
My head lifted when I heard the footsteps to signal he was finally leaving, and watched him with suspicious eyes until he'd gone, then turned to Kailas when he started towards me.
"That was Cassius Eliades, he's a childhood friend of mine and Arthur's. We knew him in middle school, met when we were... I don't know, maybe ten. He left about six months before you moved here and joined the marines."
"What? Do they even accept people that young?"
"Well, probably not normally," Kailas admitted, "Cass' father was a pretty influential businessman though, so he probably pulled some strings to get Cass accepted early on."
"Damn..."
I looked back at the hall where Cass had disappeared, honestly I was pretty impressed, and fine, a little intimidated. He was a tall man with obvious muscle mass, but it filled him out and made him look like a Greek model. He was pretty hot, and maybe that made me insecure, so when Kailas took my hand I started to relax and smiled at him.
"Let's go back to bed," he said.
We didn't exactly sleep when we got to our room though. I didn't know what had suddenly possessed Kailas, but he locked the door and turned the lights down and suddenly it was too hot. I would never protest it though, because Kailas was my weakest point.
He was so sensitive, even after years of doing this together. Back when we lived alone, I never stopped him from being as loud as he needed to be, because I was the only one there who could hear him, but ever since moving into the Inou mansion, I'd taken up the habit of covering his mouth to muffle the noises he made.
I loved them, every moan and whimper, it just made him even more beautiful, but the last thing we needed was for one of the other residents to overhear us making a mess of the bed. Lailani hated me enough, I didn't want her to lock me outside in the rain just because she heard us fucking. I wouldn't put it past her to do so.
Somehow it always made me feel worthy when we held each other intimately, because the way he clung to me and kissed me spoke volumes about how he felt. He trusted me, trusted me to touch the scar on his face, and kiss the one on his chest, and make love to him so all he felt was pleasure. Always pleasure.
I loved him...
Held so securely in my arms, still struggling to breathe steady, hot with sweat, my hand stroking his back gently.
"Baby?"
"Mm. I'm okay," he assured me before I could even ask, and I smiled, shutting my eyes, "I'm happy," he whispered, "I love you."
"I love you too, Kailas."
I wanted to be with him forever, and I thought everything in our relationship was going okay, but it was like the bombs shook free some previously unknown part of Kailas that liked to make me worry any chance he got.
He was always going out of the house despite the danger of rogues, insisted Cass teach him, all of us, how to shoot the right way, in case we had to defend ourselves. The first time Kailas shot a gun, he dropped it and staggered away, hands over his ears, clearly panicking, and I told him I didn't want him using a gun anymore, because I didn't want him pushing himself, but he just ignored me.
I thought maybe he'd calm down when Malachi Knight showed up a few months after Cass. I thought since there were two marines there, Kailas wouldn't have to put himself in such an uncomfortable position just to feel safe against rogues who couldn't even get through the gate. Nope. He kept training with Cass, kept shooting the gun until he was a decent shot, then started carrying one around, which I absolutely hated.
I understood it, I wasn't stupid. He wanted to feel useful, but I wanted him safe. So I trained too, tried to assure him vocally I'd keep him safe, but he just looked at me with this exhausted expression. He looked at me like he'd already given up, and now I was the one who was panicking.
I didn't know what was wrong. What was happening. I tried to ask him, I tried so hard, but he just shook his head each time.
"I can't just lie here while the world deteriorates around me."
"But we're safe here," I tried to reassure him, "I'm going to protect you. You don't have to do this to yourself! You're hurting, Kailas."
He shook his head again, "I want to be strong enough to protect you too," he said in a whisper, and I framed his face between my hands.
"Kailas, baby, you don't have to shoot a gun to protect me. Look at us, we've stayed safe because we looked after each other, right? You are strong, babe, because you're surviving."
Maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. He kept going behind my back to put himself in danger, started blowing me off whenever I tried to talk to him about it. I tried to be his console, but Kailas had always had trouble opening up, and clearly the cause of him acting out was something he couldn't get himself to talk about.
I tried to be patient, for months, for a whole year, I tried to be patient, but I broke when I found out he left the estate. When he made the proactive decision to not tell me he was leaving through the front gate for a fucking walk. When he came back with some fifteen year old kid without shoes and covered in mud and dried blood.
"He said his name is Dakota," Kailas revealed, looking over his shoulder at the kid who was hiding his face against Kailas' shoulder, "He just... looked like he needed help."
"Poor boy," Lailani murmured softly.
It took a while to coax the kid away from Kailas, longer to get him into the bathroom, he wouldn't talk or look at anyone, and when he came back out clean he went straight to Kailas and clung to him.
I kept my irritation in check, because it's not like the kid was at fault, but that night when we were in our room I finally let everything out that was bothering me. I choked and tripped over my words, but they needed to be said.
"You won't tell me anything, you're as secretive as you were when we first met, but I thought we were over that! I though I'd managed to get through yo you enough for you to trust me, at least enough to tell me when something I wrong!"
"I do trust you," Kailas insisted, sitting in the end of the bed and watching me pace, hands in my hair, "I just... I have a lot on my mind."
"Kailas that's the point!" I turned to him, "We're supposed to be a team, I'm supposed to help you when you have a lot on your mind! I want to help you! That is literally all that I want! I want you to trust me, and I-I want you to stop throwing yourself in dangerous situations like you did today! You didn't even tell me you were leaving, there are rogues crawling all over the city, what if someone had jumped you? You could've been hurt!"
"But I had my gun with me," Kailas tried to calm me down, pointing at the holstered gun on the bedside table, "I would've been fine, and nothing happened. I just needed to... go for a walk, I wanted to see something."
"You wanted to see something?" I hummed, "Okay then tell me, Kailas, what view was important enough to risk your life seeing?"
He opened his mouth, then closed it, slumping his shoulders and answering sheepishly, "A bike."
"A bike. A bike!" I walked in a half circle, "You gave me a fucking panic attack for a fucking bicycle?! Bullshit!"
"Ethan, please stop yelling," Kailas begged me in a shaking voice, and I stopped pacing with my back to him, running my hands over my face and taking heavy breaths in to try and calm myself, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry this much, I just... I thought I'd be back sooner, I didn't know you'd even find out."
"God, Kailas," it hurt me when he said that, bowing my head, "You didn't want me to even find out. That's wrong. That's not how a relationship works. You know I worry about you, but you go behind my back, keep secrets from me, you don't tell me things and you do shit like this? You purposely sneak out behind me and don't tell me a damn thing. You should be able to tell me what you want, Kailas. If you said you wanted to go on a walk, I would've gone with you."
"I needed to go alone," he said softly, and I turned to stare at him.
"Why? Or, no," a short laugh left me, "let me guess, you can't tell me. Just another secret."
He lifted his head to gape at me, mouth opening, and for a minute I thought he would actually tell me everything.
But he didn't.
And I wasn't surprised anymore.
"Kailas," I shuffled my feet as I approached him, falling to me knees in front of him, "Baby, look at me. I love you, so much. I love you more than you even know, more than myself, or anything or anyone. I've given you the majority of my life, I've told you every single thought that's passed through my stupid head... and I still don't know why you jump when the door shuts a little too harshly," my eyes were stinging, his lips were quivering, "I love you but this is so hard, baby. I want to be someone you trust, but you just don't. You say you do, but if you won't even tell me you're going on a walk, then do you really?"
He dropped his face into his hands, shoulders shaking, and I hated to see him cry. I wanted to laugh and drop the subject, hug and kiss him until he'd calmed down... but I couldn't keep doing that. I couldn't just roll over when he did something like this. I was certain he wasn't doing it to be malicious, Kailas just wasn't the kind of person. He probably didn't even realize it was hurting me, how he refused to tell me certain things.
I wanted to look after him, but how was I supposed to do that when he was keeping secrets from me? I couldn't.
"Kailas... I need to know. Maybe if I just knew what was going through your head, then these stupid things you do would make more sense! I love you but you drive me crazy, you need a to give a little!" his eyes were wide and his cheeks were wet with tears, I lifted a hand to wipe them away but stopped myself, my breath shaky, "Kailas do you even care about me? Do you even care about this relationship?"
"Of course I do!" he snapped, his voice raising as much as it would, though he wasn't yelling; Kailas never yelled, "I just... I'm not ready, Ethan, please!"
"And that's fine," I soothed, setting my thumb against the edge of his scar, "but I'm tired of you lying to me. You used to tell me you weren't ready to talk about something. You used to tell me everything. You promised you'd eventually tell me how you got this scar, but now you don't even tell me if you're a little cold. I'm tired... and I've been losing you for a while now, haven't I?"
Kailas turned his head away, tears dropping down his cheek, catching on the edge of the scar and following it down his face.
"I won't push you, Kailas. I'll never push you to tell me anything... but you have to see it... how tired I am," I dropped my head, "I'm going to lose you either way. To rogues, or because I get too tired. I don't think I have the strength, but... I won't break up with you. It's your decision what to do now."
I stood up, pulled away from him and turned, pausing when he spoke, "Ethan, I'm sorry," his voice was weak, about as tired as mine was, "I know it's my fault, my head... it's keeping me from saying anything. I know that doesn't make sense, but I do intend on telling you one day. When I'm ready; but I don't know when that will be, or if I'll ever be ready. What happened to me... it keeps coming back. That's why I've been being so secretive, because I've been dealing with it all over again, and I'm trying to cope again. I know you want to help... and I love you for that, but you're right... I just can't tell you. It's not because I don't trust you, it's just... painful for me," he paused, and after a long silence he spoke, "Maybe before, if the bombs hadn't dropped, if the war hadn't reached us... everything would be okay, because the memories wouldn't have come back as violently as they have... but now...?"
"You're really okay with dealing with it alone?"
"I'm not alone though, not really. Arthur knows about it, and so does-."
"Stop, don't," his hands lifted towards my ears, head bowing, "Please don't just sit there telling me about all the people who know this big secret I'm not allowed to know. Please. You can't be that cruel."
"Ethan, I..."
It was quiet again, and I lowered my hands, turning to the side and glancing back at him, "This is your decision, Kailas. Tell me what you want."
Kailas just took a shaky breath, staring at the wall before shutting his eyes and looking down, hands shaking as he reached over and pulled the bracelet from around his wrist, sliding a thumb over the key, then shaking his head and holding it out without looking at me.
"I'm sorry."
That was equivalent to a breakup without words, but he was the one who left the room to stay somewhere else. Maybe I cried all night, maybe I didn't. The next morning I saw him leaving a bedroom down the hall that he locked behind him, eyes red and raw and swollen, but when he saw me he turned away and avoided me down another hall.
For a week it was just awkward and quiet between us. A few times I misspoke, called him baby, and we would just stare at each other blankly before I mumbled an apology and we separated. He spent most of his time helping Lailani and Arthur with Dakota, trying to get him to talk. The kid clung to Kailas every chance he got, looked up at him like he was the sun, and it put a sour taste in my mouth I never thought I'd have. Jealousy.
The thought of this kid somehow getting involved romantically with Kailas made me sick to my stomach.
Then came that day, cars packed up, me standing alone watching, until Kailas finally stopped next to me, head down, "Where will you go?" I asked, and he shook his head.
"I don't know, but... we can't stay. I can't stay."
"Because of me?"
"Don't say that," he whispered, "I just have this feeling, that there's something I have to do, something I can still do, to make this world better."
"It's not your responsibility to fix the world, Kailas."
"I know," he turned to me, "Come with us."
I just laughed quietly, dropping my head, "No, I can't. I appreciate Lailani letting me stay here, but... I can't go with you. I... we both need time apart, huh?"
"... that's what you want?"
I smiled at him, "Not at all... but it's what we both need," I reached out to hold his face, slide my thumb across the scar, and he didn't jerk away, leaned into the touch, "I still love you... and maybe when you've gotten through what you need to... you'll still love me back. I really hope so."
His green eyes watered and he stepped forward, hugging me around the waist, my arms curling around his shoulders as he hid his face against my collar, "I do love you Ethan, and... you have no idea how much you helped me, how much you mean to me. It's because of you I'm not crazy right now. I'm alive because of you."
I just smiled weakly, leaning my face against his head, "Sure. I'll put that on my resume then," we pulled away, I held his face again, but I didn't kiss him, even though I wanted to, "I love you, Kailas. Stay safe, please. While you're gone I'll... I'll do everything in my power to still help you. This stupid rebellion of yours... I'll fight for it, and you'll be happily shocked when you come home to see it filled with more soldiers."
"Sure," Kailas agreed with a soft smile, and we pulled away from each other for the last time.
I didn't watch as they drove off, just walked back into an empty house, and broke down, because my greatest fears had just come true. Just like I always thought, no one wanted me after all. What a baby I was.
My eyes cracked open to see the sky was completely dark now, the only light from the glowing end of my seventh cigarette. It was cold now, so I pulled on my coat and stuffed the bracelet into my pocket, hand hovering over my right wrist before pulling that one off as well. There was really no point in wearing it any more.
Kailas was back, but I'd lost him a long time ago, and I still didn't know why. I guess all I could do was hope he'd explain it to me, so I could start trying to let him go.
If I could even do that...