{ what if? }
It had been a few months since the accident and Callie was on her way to making a full recovery. It seemed like a miracle. A miracle no one was expecting, but gladly accepted. The baby was doing great too. They had decided on the name, Sofia. I hadn't really seen her much lately. Mark spent most of his time with her, making it a little harder to see her very often. I hadn't talked to Mark since that night. Ben wasn't very fond of Mark. He didn't like the idea that I was even working in the same building as him. He even tried to get me to transfer hospitals, but I convinced him it was okay. Luckily I hadn't been seeing too much of him.
Ben didn't talk very much of that night. We both just kind of erased it from our memories. We kinda pretended it didn't happen. I promised Ben that I would try better to answer him and I would let him know if my plans were going to change. And he promised not to get so upset and understand that I was busy at work and sometimes had emergencies where I can't always get to him right away. My priorities started with my patients.
Everything felt a lot better between us once we talked that out. We had strong communication, something Mark and I never had. It felt good, to be able to talk with him and to have an understanding of each other and be able to work on our problems.
"Hey dad," I said through the phone.
"Hello my darling girl. It's been awhile since I've heard from you. How are you?"
"I'm alright. I'm sorry, it's been so crazy lately. I haven't had much time to talk. I miss you a lot, though," I frowned. It had been almost over a year since I had last seen my dad.
"Well, you don't have to miss me much longer. Your brother and I are coming over to visit you for your birthday in a couple weeks," I could hear the excitement in my dad's voice.
"Dad that's great, but my birthday was months-, wait. Dad. You seriously aren't celebrating that anymore? My sobriety birthday? Dad, I love you and I'd love to see you, but I don't really want to celebrate it. It's not something I'm happy about, my addiction."
"You know it's going to be 10 years right? That's something to be happy about and proud of."
I knew he was right, but I didn't like celebrating it. I hated it. It made me feel like shit. It wasn't really a birthday, just a painful reminder. A reminder of how bad my life had gotten. Also there wasn't ever really any presents, sometimes a cake. But just a pity cake.
"I know, but it just brings up some bad stuff, dad."
"Let us just celebrate this milestone. For one day, one little party."
"Fine, but which brother is it?"
My dad chuckled through the phone, "Ian, of course. I talked to your other brother and that crazy sister of yours, they plan to come with. Jack has some fancy new SUV he wants to drive us in."
"Dad, you can't drive up here. Look, I know how you feel about airplanes, but that's a long drive for you. I'll buy the tickets for you and Ian."
"Oh Brands, I am fine. I'm not some old man like you think I am. And I am not afraid of airplanes, the last time I flew over here, it felt like it took more time to fly than it did driving. All that time I spent in the airport and even on the plane. It's too much hassle."
I could almost picture my dad on the other side of the phone, pacing back and forth, getting upset with me.
"Dad, I'm buying your tickets. Also you all aren't taking a road trip without me."
"I'll think about it. One more thing, you're not going to be happy about this, but-"
"Oh no, what is it now?" I sighed.
"Your mom may or may not have gotten invited."
"Dad," I sighed, "I'd really not rather her be there. She'll just make me feel like crap about my addiction. She always does."
"Brandy, I think you two need to sort through your differences and make up. I'm so sick of this constant battle between you two."
"It doesn't matter Dad. I'll buy your tickets tonight and send them to you," I said, "I got to go, bye dad. I love you. See you soon."
He sighed heavily, "Bye Brands. See you soon. Love you bunches."
The phone hung up.
I had lost track of time. I couldn't believe it had been 10 years already. I knew my dad was right. I should be proud of myself, but I just felt guilty. I felt awful. I let him down, I let my family down. I let myself down. I almost failed out of medical school. I couldn't imagine what if I had failed out of medical school? What if I never became a surgeon? Would I still have made it to Seattle? Would I have met Meredith and Cristina? Alex? Izzie? George? Jackson? Would Mark and I have ever happened? Ben? What if I never got to ten years? What if I never even got to one? What if?
°°
What If?
My eyes fluttered open. I looked down at my arm and saw an IV connected to a bag of fluids. The strong smell of cleaning products burned my nose a bit. The room was bright, hurting my eyes.
"Oh goodness, you're awake!"
I looked over and saw my grandma and grandpa sitting next to me.
"Where-Where am I?" I said, my voice raspy. My body hurting as well.
"You're in the hospital, honey, Seattle Grace. They put you into a coma a couple weeks ago," my grandma explained.
"Wh-why?" I started to get anxious.
"Oh, honey," my grandma placed a hand on mine, causing me to jolt.
I started to breathe heavily. My body felt as if it was on fire and I started sweating.
"Arthur, get the doctor," My grandma said.
◦◦
"Withdrawal symptoms?" My dad looked at the doctor confused, "She's been out for weeks! How is she having symptoms?"
My body twitched. I felt sweat dripping down from my head to toes. When I thought of myself in a hospital, this isn't what I imagined. I felt embarrassed, humiliated. I felt like I let my family down. I was just the junkie daughter who went and almost got herself killed.
"Are you sick? Do you have cancer?" I looked over to my little brother.
He was the one who made me feel the most guilty. He was only nine. He almost lost his sister. At nine.
"I'm sick," I nodded, "But I don't have cancer. I'll be okay. Don't worry about me."
He nodded his head, "You know, I'm kind of glad you got sick. I got to come see you, and grandma and grandpa. Thank you. I missed you guys."
I laughed, sending radiating pain through my body, "I missed you too, buddy."
"Excuse me," A different doctor poked his head in, "Hi. I, um, I'm just here to check up on some things."
"Ian, why don't you go get some food from the cafeteria," I grabbed my purse out, searching for some money, pulling out a couple quarters, "Uh, I think there's a vending machine down the hall actually."
"Thanks!" He marveled, as I dropped the quarters in his hands, running out.
"You must be an intern," I nodded.
"What?" He seemed surprised.
"You're wearing scrubs than that guy out there is wearing a suit. I've noticed that some of the higher level doctors wearing a darker color as well. And also you're doing the lamest work ever. Checking my vitals? They only make interns do that. I know I look like some stupid junkie, who almost got herself killed, but I'm smarter than I look."
"Uh-huh," He nodded, continuing to write in his chart.
"Brandy Dixon," I said, outstretching my hand.
"I know, I saw your name on the chart," He said.
"Malley?" I frowned, trying my best to read his coat.
"O. O'Malley."
"Right sorry. Nice to meet you O'Malley. Irish?" I asked.
"Uh, yeah," He nodded.
"Oh, how fun. My mom's side is very Irish," I said, eyeing his key card at the bottom pocket of his coat.
"Really? I couldn't tell by looking at you," He said, puzzled.
"Yeah, I picked up most of my dad's traits. Hey, I'm sorry, but I really need to use the bathroom. Can you help me up? I just need a little extra hand," I looked into his eyes.
"Oh, for sure. No problem."
"Thanks," I smiled.
"Okay, one, two, three," he said, helping me up.
I groaned as he pulled me up. Pain flowing through every bone in my body.
"Here," he said, pulling a walker over to me.
"Thank you so much," I said slipping my hand closer to his bottom pocket.
"Of course," he said.
As he turned to grab the chart, I quickly swiped his key card off his jacket and stuffed it into the pocket of my gown.
I pushed myself over to the bathroom as quickly as I could, hoping he hadn't noticed. Of course he didn't notice, look at him. He wouldn't notice until it was too late.
"Also, I'm a resident. Not an intern."
"Oh, sorry. Resident O'Malley," I nodded, before shutting the door behind me.
"Brandy?" my dad called.
"Uh, yeah, dad?" I responded.
"Dr.Shepherd would like to talk to you," he said.
"Okay, I'll be out in a second," I said pulling the key card out of my pocket and slipping it underneath the garbage can.
I opened the door and was greeted by a shorter man with thick black hair.
"Hi," I smiled.
"Hi Brandy, I'm Dr.Shepherd," he greeted me, "Why don't you take a seat and we can go over some treatment options with you."
"You know I've already decided that I'm just going to check out. I can't stay here," I shook my head.
"Brandy, you're doing no such thing," My dad scolded me.
"I really advise against this. Without this treatment, you will die," he said.
"I know," I nodded my head, "I was in medical school for three years. I know everything that will happen to me if I continue using. I know the damage I'm doing to my brain, lungs and heart, and the damage I've already done. I've accepted it. So just get me whatever papers you want me to sign and I'll sign them."
"Are you sure this is what you want to do?" He asked me.
I nodded my head.
"I'll give you sometime to reconsider, but I'll bring the papers over in a couple hours, and you can be out of here by tonight," he told me, before walking out.
Tears filled my eyes as I saw Ben walk in. He was in his suit, meaning he had just came straight from work.
"I came as soon as I heard," He wrapped his arms around my body, making me feel like my bones were breaking into a million pieces.
"Can you talk some sense into this damn girl!" my dad yelled at him.
"Why?" he pulled back his hands holding my arms, "What happened?"
"She's signing herself out of the hospital, against doctor's orders," my dad said.
"What?" He looked at me with a frown, "Honey. I thought we talked about this being the end? I thought we were better, but when I heard what happened, I was devastated."
"I'm sorry," I shook my head as tears filled my eyes, "I'm sorry, but no matter what you say, I've decided on this. I want this."
"Brandy, you're going to die," My dad shook his head.
"Inevitably, yes, dad," I nodded my head, "But I have time. It will probably be years before I die. If I can stay off these drugs-"
My dad scoffed, "You know how many times you've said that."
"Frank, you're not helping," Ben said.
"Ben," I said softly.
"No,"He shook his head, "You constantly treat her like shit, expecting that to help? But look! It hasn't. Yelling at her isn't going to magically fix her problems. I'm sorry, but I'm sick of it. Maybe you should just leave."
"Me? Leave?," He laughed, "She's my daughter! I'm not leaving."
"Dad, why don't you take a walk for a bit?" I suggested, "I have some things I need to talk about Ben with. Maybe you could track down Ian?"
He let out a heavy breath, and walked out the door.
"God, it's so good to have you back," He held tight on my hand, "I don't want to lose you."
"You won't have to. For awhile at least," I looked in his eyes.
"Ian," I shook my head, "He thought I had cancer. It broke me."
"I'm sorry," He frowned, "That must be hard on him, and you. I know he cares about you a lot and you care about him a lot."
I nodded, "He doesn't have to worry though. I mean it this time. I've been using on and off for almost ten years and I don't want to end up like the rest of my friends. They're all dead, Ben. All of them!" I sobbed.
"I know, I'm sorry," He said, holding me as I cried.
"And no one wants to hire a junkie like me, I'm broke. I gave my last few cents to Ian. That's all I had left."
"We'll figure out something, okay? Maybe I can get you something at the firm. Our receptionist just left on maternity leave. And Dave really likes you. He'd totally hire you," He said.
I nodded, "Thank you. I don't deserve you."
He shook his head, "Don't say stuff like that."
"I don't though, I don't deserve you," I said.
"You know, you're right. You deserve so much better than me, yet you stay with me. I'll never know why, but you do. And I'm so thankful for that. I'm so thankful for you," He pressed a kiss to my forehead.
"I love you," I smiled through the tears in my eyes.
"I love you too," He smiled back.
◦◦
- a few days later -
mark's pov
"I found her in the street like this, I almost hit her with my car," I looked down at the woman in my arms.
I looked to a doctor that was standing there staring at me, shocked.
"Get her over here!" A doctor called to me.
I rushed her over to the open bed, the doctor called me to.
"We told her not to go," A doctor shook his head, "She didn't listen. She said it was fine. Why didn't she listen?"
"Look, I'd love to play this game of he said, she said, but right now I think we need to focus on getting her back, alright, uh, Malley?" I looked at his coat.
"O.O'Malley," He said.
"O'Whatever the hell, I don't care. Get going!" I yelled at him.
"Look, sir, I know you want to help-" He said nervously.
"I'm a doctor, don't worry," I looked at him,"The only thing you should be worrying about is her."
"Uh, right, yes sir," He nodded.
A couple more doctors came over to assist him.
"Sir, you need to step back," one of them told me.
I stepped back and watched as they worked. Her heart starting to flatline.
"Dammit!" one of them swore.
"Crack her chest," I said.
"What?"
"Crack her chest. She's gonna die anyway, what has she got to lose?"
"Alright, let's do it," a dark haired woman with bangs said.
I decided I would let them figure out the rest, somewhat trusting them. I had something more important.
"Hey, could you tell me where I could find Dr.Shepherd?" I asked a nurse.
"Which one?"
◦◦
brandy's pov
"Good morning," Mark's voice echoed in my head.
I groaned as I pushed myself up. I rubbed my face as I looked over at the couch, where Ben was, passed out. An almost empty bottle in his hand. I started to remember the events that had happened before all of this. And the insanely crazy dream I had while I was out. I stood up and looked over at the clock. 2:47. Work would be awesome tomorrow. I went to the bathroom and was shocked when I looked into the mirror. A big bruise covered my left eye. It would be fun explaining that one tomorrow.
I walked out to the living room, and watched Ben for a bit while he slept. He hadn't meant it. He really didn't it. He was drunk. Way beyond drunk. I pulled the bottle out of his hand, his body shifting a bit. I quietly set it down and pulled out a blanket for him. I carefully draped it over his body, trying my best not to disrupt him. Next I went on to the kitchen and left him a note.
'Went to work. See you later.'
I packed my bag up with my stuff and quietly left. I needed to get out of there. I needed to process what had just happened. I needed a break I needed to get away for a minute. There was too much going on. My dream of overdosing made me nervous, and waking up to Mark? What was that? Why did I dream that?
I decided I'd go to the hospital and spend the rest of the night there until my shift. I wasn't excited for it. It was going to be a rough one.
"Brandy?"
"Shit," I muttered, trying to cover my face, not doing a very good job.
"Woah, what the hell happened? Are you alright?" Mark came up to me, looking at my eye.
"I'm fine," I said, pushing past him.
"Brandy, who did that?" He said, turning around.
"No one," I kept on walking.
"Brandy," He grabbed my arm, and turned me towards him, "Did someone do this to you? Who was it?"
I sighed, "It was some crazy patient in the ER. I tired to put an IV in and wham! Look, I'm fine. Thanks for your concern, but I shouldn't be talking to you."
He scoffed, "Because of that dick boyfriend of yours?"
I gave him a disappointed look and shook my head.
"I'm sorry," he threw his arms up, "I'm real happy for the both of you." His voice dripping with sarcasm and anger. He turned away and walked off.
I sighed, and walked into the hospital.
Wow. I really should start using a different entrance, maybe I wouldn't see him so often.
I went to one of the on-call rooms and laid down. I laid there for awhile thinking. What the hell had just happened with Ben? What was going to happen next with Mark? Good morning? Why did it end there? Was there more? Why did I care. It didn't matter it was just a dream. It was all just dream.
°°
Okay y'all not gonna lie, I did not read through this. I just want to get it out of the way. Ive had this on my plate for like 2 weeks and I'm sorry it isn't better. It's kinda a filler, but I promise the rest of the book is going to be amazing! I have a lot written out and I'm super excited about it! So if you thought this was trash and just confusing and like what the hell happened? I apologize and I agree with you. I rewrote and deleted so much with this and struggled a lot and I honestly just don't even want to look at it. So I'm sorry and I honestly feel guilty posting it but I need to. So I'm sorry and I'll do my best to get a better update in ASAP! Also hopefully that will clear some things up.
On another note thank you for 70k reads! That's awesome! I really appreciate it! And this book has been ranked #1 in Greys Anatomy for some god awful reason? But regardless thank you for that! It's truly astonishing how far this book has come! I'll see you real soon!
PS. I definitely just published this while I was on the toilet. TMI? Maybe. Do I care? No.