listen im gonna write until my mom makes me go home lol
also important; this chapter is kind of sad and might be upsetting, i'm gonna give warnings but if u don't wanna be a little spoiled just skip them- also, ill put dashes like this --- before and after triggering parts so u can just skip them if u want, and i'll put a summary at the bottom :-) nothing is graphic, just wanted to warn u
warnings: mentions of suicide, ptsd, the army (nothing too descriptive)
-
dan.
he and phil had started a routine, and because of it, dan was drinking double the coffee in the morning and having afternoon naps just so he would stay awake.
at night, they talked. it had been sparked by the sleepless nights right after the hospital trip, but now it was an every night occurrence.
it wasn't to say that they didn't talk during the day; they did. but it wasn't the same. at night, they really talked. dan found himself thinking during the day about the things he wanted to ask him, things he wanted to get his opinion on. it was easier to talk during the night, and dan could blame it all on sleep deprivation.
that afternoon phil caught dan getting a full mug of coffee, and gave him a look, leaning against the counter to watch him.
"won't that keep you up?" he asked, but he wasn't really asking. he was teasing him. dan had to stop himself from giggling, jesus. who was he becoming?
"oh, that's what i'm counting on," dan told him, taking a sip, the mug trapped between his hands. "if not i can always get more."
phil tutted, shaking his head, but he couldn't hide the grin tugging at the corner of his lips. "wow, what would your mother say?"
dan snorted. "probably, fuck you, dan, for everything you can't help."
phil chuckled, reaching past him to get his own mug. "i'll drink to that."
when phil left, only then dan realized katrina had been watching them. she grabbed his sleeve, staring at him. "dan, oh my god, you cannot tell me you aren't sleeping with him."
dan choked. "i'm not."
"bullshit." her gaze cut into him, trying to find the truth. "you two just fucked in front of me. with your words."
dan laughed, shaking his head. "kat, i'm not sleeping with him." for some reason, he didn't want to tell her about the night discussions. he wasn't guilty- it just felt private.
"okay..." she spoke slowly, searching his face, her eyes narrowed. "good..."
dan nodded, swallowing and pushing past her, his face flushed. he hadn't been lying, but still... her questions made him nervous.
➹
that night, after kat and nina were definitely asleep and the shelter was blanketed in silence, dan snuck back to the storage room.
the main lights weren't on, but a single bulb hanging from the ceiling was switched on, bathing the room in pale yellow light. phil was leaning against a shelf, sitting in a bundle of blankets, a book balanced on his knee. dan grinned and closed the door quietly behind him, and phil looked up, brightening.
he patted a pillow on the floor next to him, and dan sat, stealing a corner of phil's blanket for himself. phil had a way of making it feel like they weren't on the dingy concrete floor of a storage room just with his presence.
phil set down his book and watched him. dan didn't speak for a moment, wanting to keep the quiet between them intact. phil was wearing his glasses and he looked more mature, he looked like someone who didn't have a walk in closet full of designer clothing. he looked comfortable sitting on the floor.
dan liked talking to him like this. when it was dark, and they spoke in quiet voices about the things that mattered, dan didn't have to think about who he was talking to. he didn't have to think about the nasty things phil had said to him in the past. he didn't have to think, because his head was fuzzy and sleep deprived and phil's voice was soft in his ears and nothing else really mattered too much. it made it easier to be okay during the day. a sort of therapy.
"have you ever lost anyone?" dan asked finally. it had been on his mind all day. he saw phil stiffen a bit and reach automatically for the tattoo on his neck.
"no," he said.
"you're lying."
phil sighed, letting his shoulders relax. dan watched him, patient. he knew phil wasn't used to sharing.
"it's not even..." he sighed again, struggling to get his thoughts in order. "it isn't even a big deal. nothing like yours."
"that doesn't matter," dan whispered. "s' not a contest. i was just curious."
------
phil pressed his lips together until they went white, his eyes flickering in the light. "i was just four," he muttered after a minute. "so it's not like i even remember it." phil took a deep breath, pausing. dan waited. "i had a brother."
dan played with the hem of the blanket, not wanting to make phil uncomfortable by staring at him. "what happened?"
"i didn't... i was young. i didn't understand why he was always scared." phil squeezed his eyes shut. "he was old, you know? my parents hadn't meant to have him, they were so young when my mom got pregnant... so he was twenty nine. he had a long term girlfriend and everything... he had a life."
phil was speaking in fragments of sentences, but dan just listened and put together the parts that he could, slowly filling in the puzzle of a story.
"and..." phil stopped, opening his eyes again. "dan, i don't think i can do this. i've never... i haven't told anyone this."
dan frowned. "even sunny?"
phil nodded. "yeah... i... i don't know. i don't want him to feel bad for me."
"he wouldn't."
phil shrugged, hugging himself. "he already does. i don't need to bother him with this."
"he cares about you. he'd listen."
phil shook his head, closing his eyes again. "it doesn't matter. i just haven't told him."
dan ran his thumb over his own wrist, following his veins up his arm. "you don't have to talk about it. we can talk about something else, if you want."
phil was quiet for a long time, but eventually, he spoke again.
"he was in the army. apparently when he was little he had really wanted to be a soldier, so my parents let him go away as soon as he was nineteen." phil clenched his teeth. "he was such a nervous person... i had only ever known him as a nervous person. one time i dropped a plate on the ground and he screamed at me. i was a little bit scared of him."
dan realized phil was trying not to cry and he held his breath. he was scared even breathing too loudly would make him stop talking. he had never expected this kind of answer, he had been ready for an easy discussion. his chest felt tight with anticipation.
"but i loved him." phil's voice broke. "a lot. and i think he loved me a lot, too. apparently he always made time for me. but he wasn't... you know, he wasn't okay."
dan nodded slowly, searching his face. seeing phil with shiny eyes and a splotchy face felt so wrong, felt so much different from how he had seen him before. an entirely different side of him.
phil looked up, meeting dan's eyes for the first time since he had started.
"he killed himself."
the tightness in his chest expanded and the breath rushed out of him. "phil..."
phil shook his head, touching his tattoo. "he didn't say goodbye to me. i was four, dan. i thought it was my fault for the longest time, i really did."
dan kept quiet, unsure what he could even say, letting it set in. "i'm so sorry," he whispered finally. phil shrugged, looking away.
"it's okay... i just..." he sighed. "i don't know."
"yeah."
"yeah," phil repeated back to him.
------
"can i ask you something?" dan breathed after another silent period. phil nodded weakly. "what does your tattoo mean?"
phil smiled a bit sadly, taking a shuddering breath. "it means endurance in latin. i know it seems stupid and basic, but he studied latin in school, and... i don't know. i didn't want to end up like him no matter how difficult things got."
dan nodded. after a second he lay down, his head on phil's lap. phil sighed and threaded his fingers through dan's hair absentmindedly, his touch sleepy and thoughtless.
dan closed his eyes, his exhaustion hitting him all at once. he imagined phil was tired too. but he didn't want to move.
before he could stop himself he was drifting off, phil's fingers against his scalp soothing him into sleep.
the last thing he heard before he fell asleep was phil, starting to cry, soft and barely audible, but there.
➹
summary of possibly triggering part: phil tells him that his brother was in the army and committed suicide when he was four.