Russ Harris once explained that slow breathing is like an anchor in the midst of an emotional storm: the anchor will not make the storm go away, but will hold you steady until it passes.
He identified that although there may be no use to the anchor, it is the anchor that keeps you still, keeps you strong and keeps you from going too far.
As soon as I placed my head onto my pillow Frankie entered my room.
“Alright kid?” he asked, sitting at the end of my bed.
Both my hands were placed on my head and I shook it slowly as I started to cry quietly.
“Neavie you’re fine, it’s okay” he said trying to calm me down.
He moved as quickly as he could towards the bedroom door, closing it to stop anyone from coming in the bedroom.
I shook my head a few times before answering him. “It’s not okay”
He leaned forward on the bed parallel to me.
“I’m not fine” I moaned.
“No you’re not and it’s not okay” he agreed with me.
I turned my body towards him, laying completely on my side and just not even bothering to talk.
“So you can cry, but please tell me what made you not okay” he pleaded.
“This whole situation with me and Dylan, Frankie I don’t know what I am doing” I complained
He lifted his head up and sighed before looking back down to my level.
“Dylan, he’s a maze” he explained to me.
I just stared at him, the look on my face was curious, just wanting him to continue explaining what he meant by what he said.
“I mean, he wants so many things but he goes for the things that he wants at different times”
“Me?” I questioned, it was follow by a sigh from him.
He looked me in the eyes and could see the pain inside mine, he could see how vulnerable I was feeling and by the looks of his eyes, the look on his face, he felt the pain that I did – this is why I loved talking to Frankie. No matter what situation I was in or anyone was in, he would attempt to put himself in that exact same situation
“I don’t know if he wants you like you think he does”
He held out his hand and left it there until I grabbed hold of it.
“I don’t know how to be something he wants then, I don’t want to be that girl who waits around, I hate waiting and how do I know that he’s worth it?” I whispered.
He smiled slightly at me, making me smile slightly in return
He whispered back to me. “You don’t know he’s worth it, but you also don’t know that he’s not worth it”
I nodded at him and looked towards the door as there was a knock.
He let go off my hand and kissed my forehead before walking towards the door and opening it.
“Can we talk?” Ashley questioned
I nodded, “sure”.
As she walked in, Frankie walked out closing the door behind him and Ashley sat on the bed parallel to me where Frankie was sitting.
“How are things with you and Taylor now?” I questioned.
“They aren’t perfect Neave, but we aren’t fighting with each other”
I watched her as she played with her thumbs, the rest of her hands were hidden in Taylor’s huge jumper that she was wearing.
“Look at you sweet, you are head over heels in love with this one boy. This one boy out of all the boys in the Universe and he loves you back, that doesn’t happen often. I know that you are thinking ‘its all good and well saying that but the way people show it is different’ because it is different” I explained to her, trying to sympathise as much as I could because I hated seeing my best friend like this.
“Of course it is different” she agreed. “I need to feel the love from him, or even hear this from him. Not my best friend” the way her voice broke as she spoke was heartbreaking.
She stopped playing with her thumbs immediately after explaining how she felt. Instead she placed them both on her face, covering her nose and mouth – she always did this when she was stressed. Her brown eyes would always glisten and that alone just showed that she was about to cry, wanting to cry or had been crying.
“Ashley” I whispered
Her tears began falling down past her hands although they were pressed on her face.
“Have you said all of this to him?” I asked
“I just explained to him that he was disrespectful for leaving me out, considering I don’t like the water or being near it but wanted to try. I just expected him to be the one pulling me in, encouraging me and never giving on me. Not anyone else, when he let me down it made me realise that I am on my own if I am not with him. Of course I have you, I love that and I love having everyone else, but I can’t live without Taylor” she removed her hands from her face and started wiping the tears that fell away.
“You just said you can’t live without Taylor” I reminded her.
“I know” she nodded. “Silly right” she laughed a little, then carried out trying to breathe properly from all the crying.
Her make-up fell from her eyes and onto her cheeks, she looked pale from it and had blood shot eyes.
“At the end of the day, you two are a strong couple and I can tell you this until I am blue in the face. If I tell you though it must mean something to you, I don’t waste my time lying to people. I can see that he loves you and I can see that you love him. That love is not something that deserves to be messed with and he shouldn’t mess with you. I think he honestly doesn’t see wrong in it, he’s not being a pain in your bottom, he genuinely doesn’t understand” I promised her.
“Then how does that solve anything?” she questioned.
“It doesn’t, but love and relationships never solve anything. It’s one big puzzle, you just gotta love getting lost inside it” I laughed a little.
She laughed back, “Sometimes I wonder where you get this stuff”
“I know this saying wouldn’t work for you because you haven’t got asthma, but it’s something I love hearing and I’m sure I can relate it to your relationship. Breathing slow is like an anchor, it doesn’t make the storm disappear but it holds you steady until it passes. Now if he is in a bad mood and so is you, when you approach each other huffing and puffing, it is obvious that you will argue. However if you catch him in a good mood and you breathe slow throughout it, not allowing your anger to overtake then you will be the anchor and the anchor will support you until the storm passes. I know that makes sense, from it I just mean be strong, be the anchor in your relationship and with time it will be a shared role”
I didn’t expect this from the trip, to have my best friend sit in my bedroom, hyperventilating over Taylor.
“I’ll support you Ash, if I feel that he disrespects you I will stand up to him” I promised her
After my shower the first thing I wanted to do was see Dylan, he fell asleep as soon as we got back to the lodge.
I quietly and slowly climbed into Dylan’s bed straight after my shower and getting dressed.
As soon as I climbed into his bed, he held me into his arms and I just felt so much better being with him, being held by him again.
“How are you feeling now” he asked, softly stroking my back.
“Much better” I promised him.
Being classed as an anchor does define you, it defines your personality. Being the anchor makes you a strong person, this is important as it prevents life from throwing you around. You can choose when you want to sail and when you don’t want to sail. At least you won’t drift away from where you are without choice right? No anchor chooses a ship, the ship chooses you and I suppose in this case, Dylan would have to be the ship. Constantly reeling me in but then pushing me away and I feel that I don’t have a choice.