i told u i'd update (;;
huge trigger in this i warned you
p.s. i almost cried while writing this so good luck
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[Kellin’s POV]
The trip was cut short, and we went home that day. I just told the guys I had an emergency I needed to be there for back at campus, and they believe me. Well, most of them did anyways, Jesse didn’t, resulting in me spilling my guts to him about everything and him threatening to kill my Uncle. So did Vic, he was furious, but I told them both not to make it worse. I didn’t want to tell anyone else because of his threat. I was still scared and I didn’t want this to happen again.
This whole thing took a huge chunk out of me. I wasn’t even me anymore, I was just a shell of who I used to be. I’m worse than I ever was before. I don’t laugh or smile, or even talk much. I’ve completely shut Vic and Jesse out, avoiding them as much as I can. I think Vic was starting to get irritated with me, because he stopped trying to pry so much and started to leave me alone.
I was currently at home, lying in my bed looking at the wall when Vic came home from school for the day. “You didn’t go to work again today?”
“No.” I said simply, barely loud enough to hear, still facing the wall.
“You haven’t been to work since we came back, which was a week ago.” He said, slightly annoyed.
I didn’t answer and Vic sighed, indicating that the conversation was over. This is how our conversations have been lately. I could feel ourselves growing more and more apart, but I didn’t care and apparently neither did Vic. It was sad, but I didn’t have enough motivation to do anything about it. That’s why I haven’t been to work too, I’ve lost all motivation to do anything. Even my relationship wasn’t worth trying anymore.
Tears were brought to my eyes and I didn’t even bother to hold them back, letting them travel down my cheeks silently for the tenth time today.
This what were my days were like now. Crying and thinking about ways to kill myself, oh and arguing with Vic. It was pathetic, really, but I didn’t care enough.
“Kell, you gotta stop this.” Vic said, taking a seat on the edge of my bed.
I didn’t respond, but he didn’t stop talking.
“You can’t keep living like this, wallowing in self-pity all day and shutting people out. I’m worried, Jesse’s worried, and Jack, Rian, and Alex are starting to worry as well. I get that what happened to you was really, really horrible, but you can’t let it affect you this much. You’re letting him win and get the best of you, and that’s what he wants. Please, I miss you. I want the old Kellin back, the one I know.” He finished. I wanted to say something, anything, but words failed me and I was left speechless.
Vic sighed again, and got up off the bed, heading toward the door. “You know what? Fine. Sit there and stare at that damn wall all day. I don’t care anymore. I give up.” He said the last part under his breath, but it still stung nonetheless.
He slammed the door and my eyes clouded with tears once again. Frustrated with myself that I was crying once again, I kicked the covers off me and wiped at my eyes furiously.
“Fuck!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was falling apart, literally. I don’t know how to help myself anymore. Vic doesn’t even know for fuck’s sake. I was a raging mess, and for some reason I couldn’t calm down. My blood was boiling, and sooner or later I was throwing lamps and other shit around the room.
I went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror, hating what I saw in the reflection. My eyes were bloodshot, I had black circles and bags under my eyes, my teeth were yellow and I stunk from lack of not cleaning myself. I got so pissed off from what was in front of me that I punched the mirror, making it shatter before me.
I stepped back and watched wide-eyed as all the glass fell onto the counter, getting an idea that I would regret later, but at the moment I didn’t care. I was still seeing red and I wanted to destroy everything, including myself.
I gripped one of the bigger pieces of glass in my hand, squeezing it hard enough that I bled from my palm. I looked at myself from the broken reflection, and not thinking twice as I took the sharp object and slashed my wrist with so much force, it cut way deeper than expected. Blood started pouring out everywhere, but I didn’t dare stop as I stepped into the bathtub and tortured my skin relentlessly, bloody vertical lines going up and down all parts each of my arms.
I started feeling lightheaded, a sign that I was losing too much blood. Good, I thought, I hope I bleed out and fucking die. I sat down in the tub, most of the whole floor of it now painted red with my blood. I looked at the bloody mirror once more, still hating what was staring back at me.
I threw the piece across the bathroom, breaking down into tears once more, holding my face in the palm of my hands. I was crying because I got raped. I was crying because both my parents, and my aunt died. I was crying because I hated who I was. I was crying because I was sitting in a bloody bath tub full of my blood, slowly bleeding out through cuts deeper than I could ever imagine. I was crying because it’s been a week and all I’ve been able to do is lie down and stare at a fucking wall. I was crying for my eating disorder and my depression, for my relationship with Vic. I was crying for everything under the sun.
I couldn’t breathe, the only thing I could do was choke sobs out of my pathetic mouth. I wanted relief, some form of it because I honestly can’t take any more of this. I’m at my break point. I’ve hit rock bottom and I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay here. I have no hope anymore, only dark thoughts and visions of being relieved from this never ending torture. I’ve fully given up, not caring what happens to me. All I can hope is that no one finds me until it’s too late, and I’m dead. That’s the only way I’ll be happy again. Is if I die. Because the pain I feel here on earth is too much to handle. I’m not strong enough to take it. I need death, or I’ll go crazy.
Eventually, all my terrifying thoughts ceased as I got my relief. Fading into the blissfulness of the dark.
--
When I awoke, it reminded me a lot of the time I was found in the shower, passed out while taking a shower. I was under the covers, and Vic was sitting across from me on the computer chair, watching me.
I sat up and looked at him, not saying anything, because I simply had nothing to say. I mean what I supposed to say, sorry? Sorry that I had a total breakdown and almost killed myself – again? Eventually though I didn’t have to worry about that because Vic spoke up.
“Kellin, I..” He said, not being able to finish his sentence.
“I know.” I said back, hiding my face. I was ashamed of who I had become, I never wanted Vic to see me that bad, I mean this was worse than my suicide attempt.
“Why didn’t you tell me it got this bad?” He sounded hurt, the last thing I wanted.
I didn’t say anything, instead I looked down and played with the covers, noticing that Vic had wrapped my forearms up in gauze. That seemed to be my answer for everything lately.
“Kellin.” Vic said sternly. I looked up at him, but my mouth never moved.
“You can’t keep doing this! Pushing me out, acting like you don’t need help! I mean look at you. Look at the fucking bathroom for Christ’s sake!” He paused to come over to me and hold me by the shoulders, “You can’t keep doing this. Please.” He pleaded with glossy eyes. “It hurts to see you in this much pain.” He let a tear escape his eye, with a lot more to follow, and in no time he was full out crying.
I sat there shocked, not knowing what to do. It didn’t really surprise me when I found myself crying too, I mean I’ve hurt the man I love so much that he’s crying over me. I pulled him into a hug, trying to comfort him and get him to calm down.
“I love you so much, I don’t want to lose you again.” He choked out with a sob. My heart stopped and I replayed what he said over and over again in my head, ‘I love you so much,’ I couldn’t believe it.
I pulled apart to look at him. “You love me?”
“Jesus Christ, isn’t it obvious? Kellin, I don’t think you know just how much you mean to me. You’re the only person I want to see waking up, you’re the only person I would even think about spending the night with. You made me whole again, you took my broken heart and you made it new, and now I enjoy living life. And I only want to live it with you. You complete me, and I don’t know what I’d ever do if you left me. I can’t lose you, not again.” He wasn’t crying so hard now, instead I was. I can’t believe that he felt so strongly about me. For the first time in 8 days, I felt wanted, important, and not like a piece of shit.
I lunged forward, hugging him with everything in me. “I love you too. I really do.”
I felt him smile against my back, hugging me back just as tight. In this moment nothing else mattered but that fact that I was in love with Vic Vincent Fuentes. And he loved me back.