LAUREN POV
I've been horrible. I know I have. Normani has done nothing wrong, but the fear of my parents finding out about us is crippling right now. The truth? I don't want to see her because I don't want to face leaving when they find out. Daddy is likely to appear at my apartment and drag me out kicking and screaming. It's one thing to find out your daughter is into women, but to know that she is dating her professor? He'll likely have a heart attack.
She has repeatedly asked me to talk since she outed us both, but I'm terrified. I'm terrified of what I might say, or what she might say. What if she won't stand by me if my family disown me? What if she denies that we have anything should my father track her down? What if this has all just been too good to be true all along? I can't deal with answering all of my own questions right now, and I cannot look into her gorgeous brown eyes. It hurts too much to know that one day I may not see them anymore.
I'm happy that Dean Anderson knows about us, I really am, but with that comes the terrifying possibility of being shunned by my own family. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Normani: Can you come by?
Lauren: Oh, are you sure you can fit me into your plans?
Normani: Come by, or don't. It's your call.
Lauren: I'll be there when I can.
That was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. Of course, she is pissed. I would be, too. I've treated her more than unfairly and I have a lot of explaining to do. She doesn't deserve to be avoided or ignored, I just know that I'm really struggling. I want nothing more than to be in her arms every hour of the day, but what's the point? What's the point when it will all turn to shit? It always does.
Slipping on my jacket, I grab my keys and my cell. I don't bother with an overnight bag, as I don't imagine I will be there too long. I'm fully expecting her to hand me my ass and then ask me to leave. I wouldn't expect anything less. I've acted childish, and when she has tried to gauge my feelings, I've brushed it off and gave her an 'I'm fine'. She's not stupid, we both know that, but still... she gave me the space and time she thought I needed, and two weeks later, I'm still acting this way. Two weeks later and she has been given nothing whatsoever. You need to grow up, Jauregui.
Slipping out of my apartment, I lock up and head off down the corridor. Taking the stairs, I figure I could use a little extra time to think. You are stalling. Move your ass. Quickening my pace a little, I reach the parking lot and slide into the driver's side. I don't need to drive, but I may not feel like the walk home depending on how tonight goes.
Within ten minutes, I find myself pulling up outside Normani's home. I've no idea how I got there, my head is full of all kinds of thoughts and I'd totally zoned out. As always, her home is brightly lit and welcoming. I only hope the atmosphere behind her closed door is the same. Honestly, I'm not so sure about that.
Cutting the engine, I remove myself from my car and hit the lock button. Slowly making my way up to her porch, I knock loudly and listen as footsteps approach. The door opening, my breath is stolen from my body as I catch sight of those brown eyes I've desperately missed. Sure, I see her most days on campus, but it's not the same. The way she looks at me isn't the same. I can see the hurt behind them. The uncertainty. The fear. The anxiety. Everything I don't want to see right now. "Hey." I breathe out and shove my hands in my pockets.
"Hi." She drops her gaze and focuses on the space between us. Stepping aside, she allows me entry and I quickly take her up on her offer. Just be honest with her. She would only want you to be honest. "Drink?"
"Sure. Um, Water or coffee would be great. I'm driving, so..."
"So... you aren't staying?" She sighs and moves towards the kitchen. "Okay." She gives a nod to herself and I close my eyes. "I mean, why would you? I'm surprised you're even here."
"Normani-"
"No." She cuts me off. "Why are you here, Lauren?"
"Because you asked me to come by," I state and move towards the kitchen.
"So, you wouldn't be here if I hadn't asked you?" She raises an eyebrow.
"I called earlier and asked if I could see you tonight. You told me you were busy. So, no. I wouldn't be here if you hadn't contacted me."
"Mm, and I asked you to dinner last night and you didn't even bother to tell me no." She scoffs and hands me a bottle of water. "You forgot?"
"I'm sorry."
"Are you, though?" Her eyes narrow and stare straight through into my soul. "What am I to you, Lauren? Seriously? What am I?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"A fair one, I'd say." She spits and walks away from me. "Tell me."
"You know what you are to me. You are everything to me." I give her a sad smile and follow her into the living room. "You know that."
"Then why doesn't it feel like it? Why does it feel like we are coming to an end? We were so happy, perfect almost. Everything was great. I know you hate me for outing you, but that was a mistake. A mistake I cannot fix. Just, what are we doing?"
"I-I just." Stopping myself, I shake my head and close my eyes. I'm close to tears right now and it's not what I need.
"You know what? I take it all back. I'll go to Anderson on Monday and tell him it was a lie. That I don't love you and that we are not together. If this is how you react when someone requests a little commitment from you, then no-" She shakes her head and steadies herself. "-I don't love you."
"Don't say that." My voice breaking, I feel my knees almost buckle. "Please don't say that unless you mean it."
"What do you want from me, Lauren?" Throwing her hands up, I can see the anger in her eyes. "What the hell do you want from me."
"I just want you."
"That's bullshit. If you wanted me, you wouldn't have avoided me for two weeks. If you wanted me, you would have talked to me, and told me what the problem was. I know I fucked up by giving Anderson your name, but I didn't do it to hurt you. I've never wanted to hurt you. But now? I don't even know what we are. I'm sorry if you wanted me to stay your secret, but I cannot live my life that way. I cannot hide my feelings. It's not who I am. If that's what you want, then I'm sorry, but you should probably leave."
"No, Normani." I move closer to her and I can see her back away. "Please don't move away from me."
"I can't be near you if you are going to walk away. I'm sorry, I just can't." Her own voice breaks and sobs wrack her body.
Taking her in my arms, she sobs uncontrollably and I feel the guilt hit me square in the chest. How could I treat her like this? How could I allow myself to push her away? She is a mess and it's all my fault. "Normani, please look at me." Curling my fingers under her chin, my gaze meets hers and my heart breaks. "I'm sorry, please don't do this."
"Don't do what?" Her voice barely above a whisper, I want to hold her forever.
"This. Don't ask me to leave. Please?"
"You don't want to be here. It's taken two weeks for me to get you to talk, and even now you are giving me nothing. I understand if you are processing everything, but you can't push me away. I don't deserve this."
"I'm scared, Normani. I'm so scared, and I couldn't be around you." I sigh and pull her down beside me on the couch. "I'm sorry."
"Can't we be scared together? That's what I'm here for. I'm here to support you."
"Yeah, until my father shows up and you walk away from me." I scoff.
"Why would I walk away from you?" She furrows her brow and I know in that moment that this has gotten way out of hand. Why did I leave it so long to talk to her?
"Why would you want to be with me when my father tries to take me away from you? This isn't what you signed up for."
"I didn't sign up for anything. I simply fell in love with you, Lauren. You don't know how your parents will react. They may be okay with it."
"You've no idea what my parents are like, Normani. I know they will try to take me away from here. It's only a matter of time." I sigh and take her hands in my own. "Y-You wouldn't walk away from me?"
"I'd never do that." She gives me a half smile. "Why have you been avoiding me?"
"I couldn't see you. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you, that I couldn't see you. I'm waiting for him to call or turn up here. And he will, eventually. When he does, how will you react?"
"I won't react in any way. I don't need to. The only person who matters is you. My opinions or feelings towards your family are irrelevant. As long as you accept me in your life, then that's all I need. But I need you to accept me completely, Lauren. I can't just have bits of you. I want, and I need all of you."
"You have all of me, Normani. Please believe that." I press my lips to her own and take in the moment. "I'm sorry I pushed you away, I just couldn't bare the thought of losing you. Then I almost did, and I'm just... I'm sorry, okay?"
Gaining a slight nod from her, I give her a smile and pull her into my chest. I know I've been stupid, and I know that Normani deserves better, but I promise to try harder where she is concerned. "Can I-I stay?"
"Yes." She whispers as her eyes find mine. "If you'd like to."
"I just, give me a little time to figure out what I'm going to do. Please?"
"I want to be here for you, Lauren. You have to let me in. I've been going out of my mind with worry because I thought you hated me. I didn't know what was going to happen, so please, just let me be here for you."
"Okay." I smile. "I love you, Normani."
"Mm, sometimes I wonder." She gives me a smirk and I know that she is settling a little.
"Can we go to bed?"
"I thought you'd never ask." Pulling me up, she guides me towards the stairs and flicks a switch, causing the entire lower floor to plunge into darkness.
...
Waking up to cool sheets, I squint and sit up on my elbows. Last night I had fallen asleep wrapped around Normani, and now she isn't here. Where has she gone? Glancing to my side, I check the clock and find it is almost 9 am. Ugh! It's Sunday. Why is she up already? Slipping out of bed, I pull on a robe from the back of her bedroom door and make my way downstairs.
Finding Normani sat at the kitchen island, my foot hits the last step and I approach her. Wrapping my arms around her from behind, I pull her against me and press a kiss to her messy curls. "Good morning." Taking in her scent, I didn't realise how much I could miss something.
"Good morning." She tilts her head and glances up at me. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Better than I have in a while." It's true, I've been finding it hard to sleep alone lately.
"Me too." She smiles and turns in her seat. "Can I get you some breakfast?"
"No, you stay there and finish your crossword. I'll start breakfast." Moving around the kitchen, I find everything that I need with ease and go about my task. I'm still kicking myself for how I've behaved lately, but today is the day we face things head on... together. "Do you have any plans this evening?"
"No." She shakes her head as she bites down on the top of her pen. "You?"
"Yeah. I'm going out to dinner." I shrug.
"Oh. That's nice." I can see her facial expression change, and it makes my heart burst.
"Yeah?" I ask.
"Yeah. What time do you have to leave?"
"I think the table is booked for seven," I state as I crack a few eggs. "So, I'll have to leave here around four."
"Shame you didn't bring your things with you. You could have left from here." She looks up and gives me a slight smile.
"I can't. If I stay here, I'll never be ready to go."
"Oh, okay." She simply shrugs and focuses on her crossword. I can see her mind working overtime by the way she is now frantically chewing her pen.
"Will that give you enough time to get ready? I mean, if I leave here at four?"
"Get ready?" Her head snaps up and I give her my best smile.
"Yeah... for dinner?"
"Y-You want to go to dinner with me?" Removing the pan from the stove, I move behind her again and trail my fingers down her neck. Following them with my lips, I feel her relax into my touch.
"Who else would I be going to dinner with, beautiful?" My tongue running up the shell of her ear, she moans and my heart beats faster.
"Y-You're friends?" She whimpers as I bite down on her earlobe and I know she is now putty in my hand.
"No, baby. Today and tonight is all about us." Sucking on the spot below her ear, I release a low moan and she settles back into my arms. "I've neglected you far too much lately, so my time will be spent making it up to you."
"I like the sound of that." Her breathing a little heavier, I slip my hand beneath her silk robe and ghost my fingers up her naked thigh.
"Yeah?" I smile against her neck.
"Mm," She gasps as my hand drops between her legs.
"You hungry?" I ask, spinning her around to face me.
"Nothing that can't wait a little longer." She shrugs and I pull her to her feet.
"Good answer. Come on. We need to work up an appetite before this evening." Dragging her down the hallway, I guide her up the stairs and prepare to make up for lost time.
Why did I ever think she would walk away from me? Why did I think she wouldn't understand if my parents hit the roof? She's too good for me, I know it... but she chose me, and that is all that matters.