I looked in the mirror and sighed. I had been doing a lot of that lately. It was really all I had the energy to do- just look at myself and think about what an idiot I was for not telling Camila how I felt about her the first chance I got. I had wasted so much time and I knew in my heart we would never get it back. Exactly a year had passed since our breakup and nothing had changed. We'd had flings here and there and there were obviously times when I believed there was hope, but it was all for nothing. It was useless. I was useless. I was nothing to Camila, at least not what I wanted to be.
The girls and I decided to go to one of Troy's friends' party after our first full week in the studio to relax. It was small and local and we didn't plan to stay long, but I wasn't exactly in the mood to party, especially not with Camila. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed and silently beat myself up over everything I wished I could say. Of course, I had already been there and done that multiple times and it hadn't accomplished anything, so I decided to go along with it. I deserved to have a good time for once anyway. Dinah knocked on my door and stepped inside, leaning against the door frame and smiling sadly in my direction.
"You ready to go?" she asked.
"Almost," I nodded.
She pushed herself off the door frame and walked over to me, coming up behind me and placing both hands on my shoulders. I looked at her reflection in the mirror and could tell she knew how I was feeling. Dinah was like that. She could sense discouragement from a thousand miles away, and she was always there in a heartbeat to fix it.
"Camila told me what happened last night," she informed me.
"Oh," I sighed.
"Look, I know it sucks, but just try to have a good time tonight, okay?" she encouraged. "You deserve it just as much as anyone else, if not more. Just ignore her if that helps. She'll come around eventually, you know that. I know that. I'm sure it's just the stress of the album and everything that happened with Austin that's getting to her. You just have to give her time."
"I've already given her infinite amounts of time," I groaned. "I just...I wish I could have a sign. Any sign. Just something that will tell me how she feels, you know? And she won't give me a sign. I've tried, but there's nothing there."
Dinah stepped to my side and picked up my lipstick, leaning over towards the mirror and applying it. She was so carefree, yet she still cared. I wished that I could have been more like her. It seemed like she was perfectly balanced on the line between caring too much and not caring enough.
"She's not just going to give you a sign, Lo," she told me, puckering her lips and then leaning against the wall beside my vanity. "You and I both know Camila well enough to know that she's about as stubborn as stubborn gets. She's too smart for her own good and she knows she'd be an idiot to just throw herself on you and risk getting hurt, so she'd rather drop subtle little hints here and there."
"I'm tired of subtle hints," I complained. "I just need one big one that will tell me for sure how she feels."
"Yeah, well, good luck with that," she chuckled. "Camila's a pain in the ass, but maybe that's why we love her so much. She's trouble but she's worth it."
I smiled and stepped into my shoes, reaching towards Dinah for support. I was glad to have friends like her to talk me through all the bull. In fact, I wasn't entirely sure that I wouldn't have lost my mind by that point had the girls not been there for me. If I couldn't have Camila, at least I could have them, and for the time being, that was enough for me.
"Let's party," I smirked.
...
Troy cut the engine to his car outside of the party and we all climbed out. Camila stepped around to join Dinah and Normani and they walked inside side by side. I waited for Ally and we followed, keeping our distance from the other girls only so we could keep our distance from Camila. Our two groups split up in different directions and Troy joined Ally and me while we found our way into the kitchen, heading right for the drinks. Troy grabbed a beer from the cooler and I went straight for the vodka, receiving disapproving looks from Ally.
"Stop looking at me like that," I chuckled.
"You're only seventeen," she reminded me.
"This isn't the first time I've had alcohol," I argued. "I'm not going to get drunk, I promise."
She sighed and joined Troy behind the counter, leaving me to my business. The music was blasting and everyone was laughing and talking, but I just couldn't bring myself to smile unless it was forced. I eventually found my way into the living room and took a seat next a couple on the couch who had more interest in making out than they did acknowledging me. I just sat and sipped my drink, blankly staring at the bodies around me until someone sat next to me and took my cup out of my hand.
"Thanks," Camila said quietly, taking a sip of the bitter liquid and handing it back to me.
"What happened to not drinking?" I asked.
"Fuck it," she shrugged. "Why not?"
I could smell the liquor on her breath each time she opened her mouth. I had no idea how she'd managed to get so drunk within the first half hour of the party, or even why, but she had done it alright. She reached for my cup again but I moved it out of the way, holding it above our heads and receiving an adorably intoxicated pout from her.
"I think you've had enough," I laughed.
"How do you know when I've had enough?" she slurred.
"Because I know you," I shrugged. "You've had enough."
She rolled her eyes and shifted her position so that her back was against my shoulder. She leaned her head back and rested it on my arm, closing her eyes and nearly drifting to sleep until I nudged her to wake her up.
"I'm going to go find Dinah," she told me, pushing herself off the couch and stumbling in the direction of the kitchen.
I had never seen Camila drunk before, and in that moment I was glad that I hadn't. She was usually so intelligent and rational, but it seemed like with enough alcohol in her system she didn't even know what she was saying. I was worried that she would do something stupid, and of course I felt the need to protect her even after everything we'd been through. I got off the couch and sat my drink on the table, forgetting all about it and finding my way into the kitchen where I immediately located Camila clinging to Dinah's back, her arms draped over her shoulders and her face buried in her neck. I slowly backed away and slumped against the wall, somewhat relieved that I didn't have to watch over her with Dinah present but also slightly upset that I didn't even get the chance. I was ready to leave. Nothing was going my way and I knew the longer I stuck around, the more I would think about Camila.
I felt a hand brush against my waist, slipping under my shirt and pressing me further into the wall. I could smell the alcohol as Camila brought her mouth closer to my ear and immediately knew it was her by the way chills shot down my spine. She slid her hand down my stomach and slipped her fingers through my belt loops, pulling me into her and backing towards the center of the room.
"Come dance with me," she begged.
I grabbed her wrists and tried to push her away but she slipped out of my grasp and placed one hand on the small of my back, pulling my hips to hers and continuing towards the crowd of people that were dancing in the middle of the room.
"Camila, I don't want to dance," I protested.
"Come on, Lolo," she pouted. "The one time I actually want to dance you don't want to."
"I just want to go home," I whined.
We finally pushed through to the center of the crowd and Camila leaned closer to my ear again, brushing her hand down my back and resting it on my backside.
"Get over yourself," she whispered, her lips just barely brushing against my ear.
She turned around and grabbed both of my hands, holding onto them tightly and placing them on her hips. Her own hands snaked up behind my neck and held on as the bass started to pulsate through the speakers. She began to roll her hips to the beat, subtly at first but then more aggressively as the alcohol continued to work its way through her body and the bass shook the floorboards beneath our feet. I closed my eyes and tried to control my thoughts- and my hands- as she continued to grind against me, but it was unbelievably hard. Our bodies hadn't been in such close contact in months and the layers of clothes between us were too much for me. I wanted more. I needed more. I pulled her closer to me and pressed my lips to her neck, sucking aggressively on her pulse point. She craned her neck and let out a quiet moan that only I could hear over the music. She turned around and pulled at the hair at the base of my skull, bringing my lips to hers and instantly slipping her tongue inside of my mouth. I held onto her hips and dug my fingernails into her skin, the foreign taste of the liquor on her tongue mixed with the familiar taste of her kiss intoxicating me far past the level she was at.
She pulled back and rolled her body against me, sliding her hands under my shirt and leaving the skin burning where she made contact. I hated the way she made me feel but I loved it at the same time. Her touch was so warm yet it gave me chills. I had never wanted her so badly in the years that I had known her. I couldn't handle it anymore. I had to get out of there, and I was determined to take her with me.
"Can we get out of here?" I mumbled against her lips as she connected our mouths again.
"Yeah," she moaned. "Take me home."
I pushed her off of me and grabbed her hand, attempting to pull her along with me but finding that she was beginning to stumble. I wrapped her arm around my shoulders and held onto her instead, leading her through the crowd and into the kitchen to meet the girls. Dinah watched us walk through the doorway with a smirk on her face, her eyes flitting back and forth between the two of us curiously.
"I'm going to take Camz home," I told them. "I think she's had enough partying for one night."
"Mmhm, I'm sure that's why you're taking her home," Dinah teased.
"Oh, come on," I groaned. "She's obviously wasted. I'm tired anyway. It's not like...I mean...we aren't going to do anything."
"Sure," she chuckled. "I saw you getting it in there, Lo. Just have her back to apartment before dawn."
I rolled my eyes and turned around, heading for the door with Camila clinging onto me.
"Do you want me to drive you?" Troy offered.
"No, we'll walk," I dismissed. "I think we...or...she could use some fresh air."
I walked out without any further response, eager to get home for more than one obvious reason. We pushed through the crowd of people in the entryway and found ourselves outside, carefully making our way down the stairs. After several minutes of attempting to keep Camila stable, stumbling over our own feet, and plenty of slurred words that I couldn't understand, we finally stepped onto the street and headed home, anticipation building with each step.
...
I fumbled for the key to my apartment in my pocket while trying to keep Camila steady at the same time, but I finally managed to slide it into the lock and open the door. I carried her into the bedroom and flipped on the light, shutting the door and finally releasing my hold on her. I threw my key on my dresser and barely had time to blink before her hands found me again, pushing me backwards towards the mattress. She fell on top of me and straddled my lap, connecting our lips and rolling her hips against mine.
"Take it off," she breathed.
I grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head, throwing it to the side and bringing my hands up to massage her breasts over her bra. I kissed the soft spot under her jaw and sucked gently, causing her to sigh heavily. She pushed herself off of me and stumbled backwards, unbuttoning her pants and sliding them down her legs. She struggled to pull them over her ankles but eventually managed to step out of them. She found her way back to me and pulled my shirt over my head, letting it drop to the floor by her feet.
"Lay down," she instructed.
I crawled backwards onto the mattress and she followed, climbing on top of me and trailing a line of kisses down my neck. She sucked hard on the spot above my collar bone until I couldn't take it anymore- it was painful but pleasurable and I wanted more. She moved over and kissed down the middle of my chest, occasionally eying the mark she left on my skin and smirking to herself. She slid down my body, her hands gripping my sides and digging into my skin while her lips connected with my abdomen, trailing all the way down to my waistline. I silently begged her not to stop, to just keep going and put my out of my wonderful misery, but I could see a look of mischievousness flash across her face and she moved back up my body, tracing her tongue along my stomach muscles and bringing our lips together again. She slipped a little and momentarily collapsed onto my body, but she just shook it off and kept going.
"You okay?" I laughed.
"Mmhm," she hummed.
She reached underneath me and I arched my back, allowing her to unclasp my bra and slide the straps over my shoulders. She moved down again and brought her mouth to my breasts, swirling her tongue and sucking and doing everything I could only ever dream she would do to me. She had never taken control, and I wanted to see what she was capable of.
"You're so sexy," she whispered.
"You're so drunk," I chuckled.
"Come on, I'm not that drunk," she argued, her speech even more slurred now that the alcohol had fully kicked in.
She was really drunk. She was so drunk that she didn't even realize how drunk she was. Did she even realize what she was doing? What if all of it was just a rash decision in a drunken haze and she wouldn't remember it the next day? What if she woke up in my bed and hated both me and herself for it? I was surprised she could even see me at that point, and as disappointed as I was to come to such a sudden realization, it just didn't feel right. I didn't want Camila when she could barely remember my name. I didn't want her when the only way she could turn me on was physically. I wanted her when her words burned into my mind and made me curious to know every inch of her body. I wanted her when her smile flashed my way and I craved nothing more than the taste of it on my lips. I wanted her when we knew what we were doing- both of us.
"Camz, maybe we should stop," I said.
"I don't want to," she protested.
"I don't either, but I think we should. You're really drunk," I told her.
"I know what I'm doing."
"No, I don't think you do," I sighed, pushing her off of me.
She rolled onto the mattress next to me and stared up at the ceiling, either too drunk to form a coherent thought or disappointed in my decision.
"I'm sorry," I nearly whispered. "You're just...I mean, you're shitfaced, Camz. I think right now it would just be best for you to get some sleep, okay?"
"I don't want sleep, I want you," she argued.
"I want you too, just not like this. Not when you're too drunk to remember it, okay? Just try and get some rest," I pleaded.
She sighed and rolled over on her side, turning away from me and hopefully closing her eyes. I got up to turn the light off with a heavy heart and left us both in the dark- figuratively and literally. I wanted her so badly. I wanted to hold her close and feel her skin against mine and taste her lips, but not if the guilt was enough to make me regret everything. I cared more about her safety than anything, and not just her well-being- the safety of her heart. I found my shirt on the floor and put it back on, sinking back into my pillow afterwards. I closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts for once with her body next to mine, drifting off shortly afterwards and forgetting all about everything.
...
I woke with a pounding heart several hours later. It was still pitch black outside- probably three or four in the morning- and I could hardly see Camila in the dark room, but I knew she was there. I could feel the pressure on her side of the mattress and the heat under the covers and I knew she was still there. Whether she had woken up in the middle of the night and realized where she was, I didn't know, but at least she was there. I crawled out of the bed and tip-toed to the door, a cold glass of water to ease my dry throat on my mind. I found my way into the kitchen and poured a glass, leaning against the counter and letting it soothe me while I thought.
I felt like I should have been angry with myself for not letting Camila have her way with me, like I should have just let it happen and experienced the pleasure again, but another part of me decided that it wouldn't have been very pleasurable at all- not long term anyway. I didn't desire her in a hungry way anymore. I didn't look at her and picture tearing all of her clothes off or throwing her onto the bed. I looked at her and saw nothing but beauty, and I wanted to treat her as nothing less. I wanted to handle her body with care and fill her mind with euphoria and remind her that I was there, and that I cared, and that I loved her so much. At what point in a relationship does one begin to desire another simply to get to know every inch of their body- the way their mind works when they can barely speak besides quiet moans, the way their skin tastes and the way their muscles tense? The point of no return. I was far beyond that point.
I heard the bathroom door open inside my room and assumed Camila had woken up to dispose of the toxic alcohol inside her system, so I rushed back in with the intention of comforting her. I flipped on the light inside and knocked quietly on the bathroom door, waiting for a response but not receiving one.
"Camz?" I called through the door.
Nothing.
I heard the toilet flush and the door knob turn seconds later, revealing a stunned Camila- now fully clothed- on the other side when it opened.
"Are you okay?" I worried.
"Yeah," she groaned. "I just had to use the bathroom."
Her speech was no longer slurred and her eyes were no longer glassy though they were bloodshot and heavy. She looked exhausted.
"My head is killing me," she whined.
"Here, come with me. I have medicine," I told her.
She followed me back into the kitchen and I pulled a bottle of aspirin out of the drawer, uncapping it and handing her two of the capsules along with my water. She shot them down and nodded, signaling a silent "thank you."
"Can we go back to bed?" she asked.
"Yeah," I answered. "You can sleep in Normani's room now that you're sober. I just wanted to keep an eye on you."
"It's fine," she shrugged. "I don't mind sleeping with you."
She headed back for the bedroom and I followed, flipping off the light when we got inside and crawling back into bed. I expected her to just go back to sleep, but instead she cuddled up to me and placed her head on my chest. I stroked her dark waves gently and she buried her face further into my shirt, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.
"Camz, why are you talking to me again?" I wondered.
"I feel like an ass," she told me. "I freaked out over nothing."
"Why exactly did you freak out?" I pressed.
"Do you want the truth?" she asked.
"Of course."
She repositioned herself so that her head was on the pillow next to mine. She picked up my hand and toyed with my fingers out of habit, staring at them as she prepared to explain.
"The other day when I went off with Dinah and Mani, you know, when we were supposed to go to lunch..." she started. "When I got home and came to get you, you were on the phone with Luis."
"He called to apologize," I informed her. "It wasn't like-"
"You told him you loved him," she interrupted.
Ally was right. Camila had heard the entire conversation between Luis and me. She assumed that there was still something between us and it set her back. It made her worry. It raised her guard to keep her from getting hurt.
"Camz, it wasn't like that at all," I promised her.
"I know," she chuckled lightheartedly. "I get that now. Ally explained everything to me and I guess...I guess I overreacted. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize," I assured her. "I shouldn't have even answered his call."
"But you did, and what happened, happened. It's over with now," she shrugged.
I still had a chance. I still had another shot to show her that I still cared about her. She wasn't totally hopeless; she was just confused. We were both confused, and I knew at that point that it would only take one of us to set things straight for good. It was about time I stepped up to the plate.
"You know I want to be with you, right?" I questioned. "I hope you're aware that I think about you all day every day, and whenever we're not together I feel completely empty. You know all that, right?"
"So why did you stop me earlier?" she wondered.
"You remember that?"
"I remember everything," she laughed. "I kept trying to tell you I wasn't that drunk. I'm already clumsy enough as it is...it only takes a little bit of alcohol for me to start tripping over solid ground."
Oh my God, I silently gasped. She knew exactly what she was doing.
"I don't want you like that, Camz," I admitted. "I don't want to rip all your clothes off and have you for a few minutes and then fall asleep. I don't even look at you like that anymore. Sometimes all I want is to keep you in my arms for the night and let you fall asleep with your head on my chest. You're too beautiful to be treated like a toy. You're fragile and I get that. I don't want to just have my way with you and fuck with your feelings and act like it means nothing the next day. I just want to feel you against me in vivid detail for as long as possible and remind you that I'm here to stay."
She stared at me blankly for a moment, but that familiar spark in her eyes soon lit up the entire room and she smiled subtly. She locked her fingers with mine and pulled our hands to her chest. I could feel her heartbeat through her shirt- calm and peaceful instead of erratic like it had been earlier. The air suddenly became still, but still comfortable. Everything was quiet except for our heart beats and steady breaths. We were together and we felt at home. I felt at home with Camila by my side.
She scooted closer to me and pressed her lips to mine gently, lingering there for several seconds before pulling away. Her breath was warm as it collided with my skin and she pressed her forehead to mind. She released my hand and brought it up to cup my face, kissing me harder this time as our lips molded together into one. We both became breathless and the air was tense again, but for different reasons. The liquor on her tongue was gone and she could see clearly, and we both knew exactly what we wanted.
"I want you to make love to me," she whispered. "Real love."
I could see that her pupils were dilated even in the pale moonlight as she looked at me. Her lips looked so full and soft and I wanted more than anything to grant her wish. I connected our lips once again and climbed on top of her slowly, sliding my hands over every inch of her body and taking in the soft detail of her skin. I kissed everywhere I could reach, but I took my time. I wanted all the time in the world with her. I pulled my shirt over my head and she sat up, allowing me to do the same to her. I stared down at her bare torso and brushed my fingers over the contours of her stomach muscles, leaving a trail of chills on her body everywhere I touched.
"You're so perfect," I told her.
"You're perfect," she smiled, connecting our lips again and falling back onto the sheets.
We slowly but surely became one lovely mess of tangled sheets and sweat and strangled moans. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She twisted and arched her back underneath me and all I could think about was the way her skin felt against mine. Every time she spoke my name it dripped with desire and I wanted nothing more than to taste the words on her tongue. I held her all night, finding her hand every now and then to remind her that I was still there and kissing her every chance I got. We were both vulnerable again, but God, was it a wonderful feeling. I think somewhere, way deep down, we both feared that one of us would get hurt again, but for the first time neither of us cared. We believed again.
We laid there for hours, chest to chest, lips to lips, skin on skin, and hand in hand, and our hearts finally beat as one again.