May, 2014
I didn't hear a single thing about Austin Mahone again after that night. Several weeks passed and we found ourselves easing into the month of May with little to no trouble. Camila and I didn't move back in together but there was something between us that wasn't there before- at least it hadn't been for a long time. It seemed like she finally appreciated my company again. She made it a point to sneak quietly into my room every morning and crawl into bed with me, waking me up with gentle kisses down my neck or on my forehead. Dinner dates became a regular occurrence and we spent more time together over those few weeks between the night at the park and the first of May than we had in months.
Of course, with ups there are always downs, but the last thing I expected was for Camila to barge into the studio the day we were to begin the recording process for our new album with a scowl on her face and an attitude more bitter than I had ever experienced. She walked through the door and threw her bag down, letting it slide across the floor and slam against the wall. The girls and I just watched her as she found a seat on the couch and buried her face in her hands, unsure of exactly what to say or even how to say it. Dinah cleared her throat and offered to make the first move, placing a supportive hand on Camila's back that she just shrugged away.
"Mila, what's wrong?" she asked quietly.
"Leave me alone," Camila snapped.
Dinah shrugged and leaned away from Camila, handing her turn over to someone else. I sat forward and reached over the coffee table to place a hand on her knee, but surprisingly enough she didn't try to push me away. She removed her face from her hands and looked up at me with tear-stained cheeks, forcing a smile that didn't actually seem all that forced.
"Camz, we're trying to help you. What's wrong?" I pressed.
"I hate boys," she groaned.
Oh God, not this again, I silently pleaded. Don't tell me she's after another guy again right when things are falling back together.
"What happened?" Normani questioned, shooting me a concerned look.
"Austin led me on," Camila sighed.
"Camz, I told you that," I reminded her.
"I know you did, but I asked him about it and he flat out admitted it," she said. "I told him I didn't want to see him again and he said it didn't matter. Who says that? Who pretends to care and then tells you it doesn't matter if they never see you again?"
"It's his loss," Ally shrugged.
"I didn't even like him," Camila admitted. "I thought I did but I didn't. I'm just tired of people pretending to care when they don't. Just once, I'd like for someone to come into my life and stay there, you know?"
She shook her head and pushed herself off the couch, slumping towards the front door.
"I need some fresh air before we start," she announced, pushing her way outside and letting the door slam back into place.
We all sat in silence and tried to formulate a response, but how could we respond to something so surprising? She hadn't spoken of Austin in nearly two weeks and all of a sudden he was causing her grief. I had never seen her so frustrated and I was worried, but what scared me the most was the explanation of her frustration. If she couldn't see by that point that I had no intention of ever leaving, I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to get it through to her.
"I'm going to go make sure she's okay," I informed the girls.
They all nodded and I followed Camila's path to the door, finding her kneeling down against the wall outside. I joined her on the ground and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, staring out at the city that buzzed by us and not saying a word. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know where to begin, but I had to try.
"So...you don't like Austin?" I asked.
"No," she sighed. "Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever did. I was just starstruck. It's like, I wasn't quite over you and then all of a sudden, here comes this boy that half the world is in love with and he's interested in me of all people. Of course I went for it. It was a...a distraction to say the least."
"From what?" I pressed.
"I don't know," she shrugged. "Sadness, I guess. I just wanted to know that someone cared about me."
"I care about you, Camz," I reminded her. "I always have."
"You told me you didn't."
"Yeah...well, that was a huge mistake," I realized. "There's no way I could ever stop caring about someone who means so much to me."
She rested her head against my shoulder and brought her hand up to meet mine, locking our fingers together and turning around to kiss the soft spot under my collarbone. I knew she believed me whether she admitted it or not. She had to know how much I cared about her. I had done everything in my power to show her.
"What do you say we head back inside and kick this album's ass so I can take you on a date later?" I smiled.
"Deal," she chuckled. "What did you have in mind?"
I shrugged and released my hold on her, standing up and extending my hand towards her to help her onto her feet which she refused to let go of until we were back inside. "I have a few ideas."
...
I reached across the center console of Troy's car- having bribed him into obtaining it again- and picked up Camila's hand, bringing it to my lips and kissing it gently. She smiled but pulled it away, letting it drop to her lap. She didn't seem nearly as enthusiastic to go on our date as she had earlier in the day. I worried that something was still bothering her, or worse, that she was rethinking her nonexistent feelings for Austin.
"Is something wrong?" I asked. "You've been kind of quiet."
"I'm just thinking," she told me.
I didn't bother to ask her what her thoughts were about. I knew she'd open up once we reached our destination, and I didn't want to put a damper on a most likely wonderful evening by pressuring her. She would tell me. She always did. The car hummed along the dimly lit road, winding up a mountainside several thousand feet above the city of Los Angeles. I glanced at Camila anxiously out of the corner of my eye, waiting to see her face light up when she realized where I was planning to take her. We approached a mansion on the side of the hill and I saw the gears begin to turn in her head.
"Wait..." she said quietly.
As we passed the building- pitch black from lack of use during the offseason- she watched carefully out the window and I could finally see the surprise in her expression.
"Is that the judges' house?" she chuckled.
"Come on, Camz, don't tell me you don't recognize it. That's where we had our almost first kiss," I reminded her.
"Why are we up here?" she questioned. "Where are you taking me? Please don't tell me we're sneaking into the judges' house..."
"Of course not," I laughed. "You'll see where we are in a minute. You should remember this place pretty well too."
I turned right at a fork in the road and drove for another mile or so, the city momentarily disappearing from view until I came to a stop in a clearing and cut the engine, giving Camila time to take in our surroundings.
"Is this another one of your attempts to patch a shitty memory?" she wondered. "Because I don't think the memory I have of this place is bad at all, so what are we doing here?"
"We're going on a date," I answered simply.
I got out of the car and she followed, immediately climbing onto the hood and laying down to watch the stars like the first time we ever visited the secret hillside. I laid next to her and picked up her hand again, relieved to find that she didn't pull it away this time.
"It's been two years since we've been here," she realized. "Two entire years."
"That's why I wanted to come back," I told her. "It's been so long and this place is so special."
"Is there any particular reason you brought me here?"
"No," I shrugged. "I just figured instead of trying to fix bad memories, we could just relive the good ones."
We were silent for a few minutes, staring up at the stars and listening to the crickets chirp around us. It was peaceful. Everywhere with Camila was peaceful. She comforted me in ways that I never even knew to be possible. I could have laid there all night and not said a word and been completely content.
"What's your favorite memory from this place?" she asked after a while.
"That's kind of a tough question. There are a lot of them," I said.
"Pick one," she prompted.
I released her hand and turned over on my side, propping myself up on my elbow and tracing patterns up and down her arm.
"I don't know, I really liked it when you told me all your fears," I decided. "I love it when you open up and let your heart speak for you. Your mind is such a beautiful but delicate thing and I've always been amazed by the things it holds and the fact that you're willing to share them with me. I just...I like hearing you talk."
"Well great," she huffed. "My favorite memory is going to sound like crap compared to that."
"Try me," I encouraged.
"I was just thinking about how this is the place that we decided we were ready to...you know..." she blushed. "Not really for that reason though. I mean, that is part of it, but that was the first time we really gave ourselves up to each other, you know? That's not something I'll ever be able to forget about."
"Wow, way to ruin the mood, Camz," I teased. "Here I am, talking about exploring the depths of your mind and all you can think about is sex. Unbelievable."
A small chuckle escaped her lips and she shoved my shoulder playfully, letting her hand fall back into my own and locking her fingers with mine. Her eyes became glassy and her body became tense, the two tell-tale signs that something was eating away at her mind. She was about to spill. I was about to find out what had really been bothering her all day.
"What happened to us?" she nearly whispered.
Ouch. I knew something was bugging her, but I didn't expect it to take that turn. What made her think of that, and how long had it been in her head? I felt the same hollow feeling in my chest that presented itself any time our relationship risked ten steps backwards, and I prayed and prayed that I could talk her out of her own thoughts before our date was ruined.
"Camz..." I protested.
"Don't 'Camz' me," she countered. "I'm serious."
"What would even make you ask something like that? Everything is fine right now and-"
"Everything is not fine, Lauren," she interrupted. "Two years ago we were sitting here, talking freely about completely making ourselves vulnerable to one another, and now all we can do is relive that memory. Aren't you worried that we don't have anymore memories left to make? What if that was all there was? That short little seven months that we shared. What if that was it and we're chasing something that won't mean anything in the end?"
"Please stop talking like that," I begged.
She sat up but kept her gaze in front of her while I remained behind her, too stunned to even move a muscle.
"I'm not even entirely sure that we still love each other, Lauren," she admitted. "No one has said it, but even if we did, it wouldn't make a difference. We aren't showing it like we used to. We're reliving the past because that's all we have. No one is taking a step towards the future, and I think there's a reason for that."
"It just takes time..." I argued.
"Yeah, and how much time do we actually have to waste on trying to get things back to normal?" she huffed. "Things will never be back to normal. We aren't even close to being the same and you know that."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Every fear that I had that Camila didn't feel the same was coming true right before my eyes. She didn't believe anything would ever work out between us. How could she not? I tried so hard to show her that I cared about her. All the kisses and late night talks and time spent together just felt like a waste of time, but I had really made an effort. Maybe she could see that and she was just tired of going back and forth. Maybe she was waiting for one final sign that I wanted her back in her arms. Maybe, just maybe, it was time that I shoved my fears aside and admitted that I was head over heels in love with her.
"Camz, I...I want to tell you something," I stammered. "It's something I've been meaning to say for a long time, and I think now-"
"I don't want to hear it," she said, cutting me off mid-sentence.
She slid off the hood of the car and landed on her feet with a thud, opening the door and climbing halfway inside.
"Will you just take me home?" she asked. "I'm tired and this is the last place I want to be right now."
I nodded and jumped down with a heavy heart. It was useless. She didn't want to hear it and I couldn't change that. Granted, she didn't know what I was going to say, but the last thing I wanted was to throw something like that on her when she was in a bad mood. God only knew how she'd react. I buckled my seatbelt and cranked the engine while Camila fiddled with the radio, turning it up to nearly full blast and settling down in her seat. I pulled away from the clearing and back onto the main road, leaving behind all the things I should have said and wishing that I would have just buckled down and said them. Now we were approaching the apartment with every passing second, and I had a feeling I was running out of time. For real this time. We drove along the gravel roadway for several miles, passing the judges' house without any comment and finding our way back into the city. I pulled into the parking lot of the apartment moments later and cut the engine, turning to look at Camila who turned her attention towards me at the same time.
"You can go inside," I said quietly, my voice exhausted from the words that were begging to escape my lips. "I have to take Troy's car back to him. I'll...see you tomorrow I guess."
"Will you come inside?" she asked.
"I have to take his car back," I argued.
"You can do it later. I have something for you," she told me.
I nodded in agreement, mostly because I was too tired to argue any more, and stepped out of the car with her. We walked all the way to the elevator and rode up to her floor in silence. She opened the door to her apartment and stepped inside, revealing an evidently sleepy Dinah on the couch.
"I'm assuming the date went well considering you're both coming back to the apartment together," she teased. "Just keep it quiet. I'd like to get some sleep tonight."
"It's not like that," Camila assured her, weaving through the living room and into her bedroom.
I followed her inside and she shut the door, immediately stepping over to her closet and sifting through her clothes. I stood off to the side and anxiously waited to receive whatever she had to give me. It felt borderline uncomfortable to be in her room with such thick air and heavy words lingering between us, and I just wanted to get out of there.
"Here," she sighed, pulling my sweater out of her closet and shoving it in my direction. "I figured you'd want this back."
I took it hesitantly but held it out between the two of us, unsure of exactly what to do with it. It smelled like her. I could tell even from a distance that it smelled like her perfume and her soft skin that I so desperately wanted to touch again. It felt heavy in my hands, like it didn't really belong there after residing with Camila for so long.
"You can keep it," I told her. "It looks better on you."
"I don't want it," she protested. "It's yours."
I folded it over my arm and took a step back, trying to clear the air between us along with my mind. Everything was happening so quickly. One second she was happy to be on a date with me and the next she didn't want anything to do with me. I was tired of the indecision. I was tired of the games. I had to know once and for all what was really going on inside her head, but more importantly, her heart.
"Why are you doing this?" I wondered.
"Because it's yours and I don't want it anymore," she shrugged.
"But why?" I pressed. "What in the world made you tick like that? Everything was fine and we were enjoying ourselves and now you're giving me back my clothes like we're going through another breakup."
"Don't act like you care," she snapped.
"Whoa...Camz, what did-"
"Don't call me Camz," she interrupted. "Please just take your sweater and go. I want this day to be over."
She walked over to the door and opened it, motioning for me to leave, but I stayed put. I had no intention of leaving before I received answers. I was done guessing.
"I'm not leaving until we talk," I decided.
"I'm not interested in talking," she said flatly.
"And I'm not interested in staying up all night and thinking about what the hell I did wrong because you're being a pain in the ass and won't tell me," I countered.
She rolled her eyes and shut the door, walking back over to me and standing just inches away. I could feel the tension dripping off of her. I wanted so badly to hold her and listen to everything she had to say, but I was afraid if I tried she would just push me away. She was starting to make a pretty steady habit out of that.
"Look, I don't think this is going to work out, okay?" she told me.
"What...us?" I questioned.
"There shouldn't even be an 'us,' Lauren," she nearly shouted. "We should have ended a year ago when we broke up and left it at that. I'm tired of feeling confused or empty or lonely. I shouldn't feel like any of those things, especially not if we're trying to work it out."
"Why do you feel like that?" I asked. "You know damn well I've tried my best to show you that I care. I've been here every step of the way to remind you that I'm here for you. How could you even think that?"
"Because I don't believe you, Lauren!" she yelled. "Or...I...I don't want to believe you. I'm terrified that you'll hurt me again if I give you the chance. I can't go through that again. Not twice. Every time you tell me you care it makes it harder for me to accept the fact that we already ended once. I can't do it again. You can tell me you care and that you'll be here for me all you want, but not once have I heard you say, 'I love you." That's why I'm forcing myself not to believe you, because it doesn't matter if you care if it's not in the way I want it to be. I'm locking up all my feelings because you won't say yours- if you even have any. I'm done, Lauren. I'm done waiting. One of us should have made a move by now and there's obviously a reason we haven't. It's time to stop ignoring the signs and let it go."
"Camz, I-"
"Just...please get out," she begged. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? It is what it is."
I dropped my weight onto one foot and placed a hand on my hip, using the other to clutch the sweater that previously held Camila's body. I just stared at her, totally blank and totally lifeless. That was all I could muster until my blood began boiling and my thoughts finally got the better of me.
"It is what it is?" I repeated. "Are you serious, Camila? You can't just throw away all the time we've spent together. You can't ignore all the times we kissed when we weren't supposed to or cuddled up together or wore each other's clothes or talked until the break of dawn. You can't just brush me off and say, 'It is what it is.' That's not fair, and you know that. It's not what it is. Nothing is how it should be right now, and I get that. I don't need a reminder every five minutes that we aren't together anymore. I don't need your fear getting in the way of something I believe in. I believe that we still have a chance. It's just going to take time, and if you're not willing to give it time, well...then that's your problem, not mine."
I pushed past her and yanked the door open, stomping outside with tears threatening to spill over and my heart pounding in my chest. I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. I wanted to believe that Camila still thought we had a chance, but she clearly didn't. I was too exhausted to figure out why. I was tired of guessing and assuming and not receiving answers. It was time for me to put my foot down anyway, so why did I feel so guilty stomping out of her room without mending things first? I stepped past Dinah and she sat up on the couch, watching me as I walked towards the door.
"Is everything okay?" she asked.
"Yeah," I lied, finding my way outside and slamming the door behind me.
But of course, everything was not okay. Would it ever be?
•••
As a side note, my girlfriend and I have started a YouTube channel and would love for you guys to check us out. If you enjoy watching us, like, comment, and subscribe! Here's the link!
https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC4ZJ21CQo3RKqz-CIpuVgyQ