Vicky West
''Miss,'' I heard someone saying faintly in the distance. I opened my eyes tardily, only to be met with a nurse standing next to me. It was a matter of time, before I realized I had fallen asleep in the chair next to Harry's bed. ''We tried to wake you earlier, but you were sleeping deeply.''
''What time is it?'' I questioned and rubbed into my eyes. I looked around, but she was as a matter of fact the only person whom was present – beside Harry of course. My eyes searched for a clock, but it was nowhere to be found.
''It's 8 AM.'' She said courteously. ''The doctor wants to check Mr. Styles. Could you spend a few minutes in the waiting area, please?''
I nodded with my head and gathered my belongings. Within a few minutes I was outside of the room and back in the hallway. There were more people walking around, and it was busier than the times I arrived here.
I grabbed the hair tie around my wrist, and hastily made a bun. I pushed the loose tendrils away from my vision and walked over to the waiting area. I got myself a bottle of water from the vending machine, and drank from it in a rush. I had no idea why I had fallen asleep beside Harry. But the fact that the doctor hadn't woken me up earlier, made me guess if he had come inside at all.
My hands were searching for my phone, but there were no missed calls. Only a text from Ethan he had sent last night.
Ethan: ''Hi gorgeous. Want to grab lunch tomorrow?''
I bit on the inside of my cheeks. Wondering if I wanted to spend my afternoon lunch with Ethan whilst having Harry in the back of my mind.
''Vicky?'' I turned around only to be met with Emma. My phone was still in my right hand, I locked it quickly and put it away in my jacket. ''What are you doing here?'' She asked, but her tone wasn't bitter – something I wasn't used from Emma since the last time we talked.
''Louis asked if I wanted to come by to see if the doctor had more news.'' I lied without any difficulty. Proud of myself how I made my way out of this.
Emma didn't question me. ''Okay.'' She said monotonously.
I put the bottle of water away in my bag. Got my phone again and replied to Ethan's text; telling him I was going to come by the Moulin Rouge soon to talk about something. Obviously, this was going to be a chat about me not feeling what I wanted to feel for him.
I didn't want to hurt Ethan, but pretending that there was a chance between us was entirely unfair for the both of us. I tried so hard to get to the point where I'd be completely sure Ethan was the one I wanted to spend my time with. But that feeling never came around during the time we saw each other occasionally.
When I had put my thoughts aside, I saw how Emma had taken a seat and was searching for a proper magazine whilst going through the pile beside her. I guess she noticed my stare when she looked up and eyed at me. I instantaneously knew she was back with her attitude.
''What?'' She scoffed.
''Nothing.'' I spoke forthwith. Her attitude was already showing at this time of the day.
She stopped searching for something to read, and made sure her attention was focused on me. ''I think it's best for us to come to an agreement about you not showing up at the hospital anymore.''
''What?'' I said baffled.
''I said-''
''I heard what you said, I'm not deaf.'' I cut her off easily. ''But why are you saying such thing?''
''Because he's my boyfriend and I'm supposed to take care of him. Be here. Not you.''
I rolled with my eyes. ''I knew you would start an argument if you'd see me here. But guess what, Emma? I'm not going to listen to your demand and I won't go. If I want to be here and see how Harry is doing, I will.'' I stated seriously.
Yesterday I didn't want to cause any drama, but I realized that it was simply Emma's insecurities that caused her to be like this.
''He's not yours, Vicky.'' Emma said confidently.
''It doesn't matter if he is mine or not. I care, Emma. I want to make sure he's stable.'' I cleared up.
''Louis can tell you.'' She told me. ''It's better for the both of us.''
''It's better if you shut your mouth for once and focus on yourself than me.'' I said with much irritation bleeding through my voice. ''Look, be annoying to all the people in the hospital but don't you dare to pick a fight here with me.''
Without giving her the opportunity to say anything else, I made my way out of the waiting area and walked to room 205.
My phone buzzed, and I saw the new text from Ethan.
Ethan: Sure babe. x
After I accepted the fact Ethan and I were never going to happen, I peeked inside only to see how the doctor was standing next to Harry and talking to his assistant.
Goosebumps were covering my skin as I noticed that he was awake. His evergreen eyes were focused on the doctor before they moved to the window where I was standing still. Evidently, he didn't show any emotion at first since we were both in shock that he was awake and that I was present.
I wondered what went on in his mind. He had always been incredibly unpredictable, that I didn't know if it was a good thing that he kept looking at me. But I couldn't be over-thinking everything, since my head shot to the door where the nurse was standing. With her kind eyes she stared at me.
''You can come inside, if you want to Miss.'' She said gingerly.
I gave her a short nod, and got closer.
But before I even had the chance to get inside, Emma passed me by and got inside of the room.
I stopped in my tracks and stared in front of me with a blank expression. I was glued to the ground.
It looked like everything was going in slow motion. How she was walking to his bed, the doctor stared at me with confusion, the nurse was overwhelmed by the sudden presence of Emma and Harry was focusing on Emma who walked towards him. She leaned closer and promptly pressed her lips onto his pink puckered ones.
Evidently, she acted way different whilst I was present. Like she wanted to warn me that he was only hers.
Instead of standing here any longer, I turned on my heel and walked out of the hospital with empty hands.
...
I moved the straw in the strawberry milkshake, and followed how Veronica was running the café on her own today. It was quiet during this time of the day, so being here was relaxing. As if this was my escape whenever I needed it the most.
''I've missed you, Vicks.'' Veronica said and her hands held mine. She squeezed them softly and had this warm smile across her face. ''I used to see you every day, but it stopped from the moment you quit your job here.''
I nodded in disappointment. ''I'm sorry, Veronica. I wanted to be here more, but the timing was never right.''
She handed me the sandwich I had ordered. ''It's okay, Vicky. We were busy with renovating this place.''
''Who are working here still?'' I asked.
''Uhm, Clarity is the only one. Everyone else have been replaced with new employees. They didn't want to wait for six months until they could work again.'' She said and shrugged with her shoulders. ''But we are doing better than ever, so I'm glad things have changed. But tell me, how are you doing?''
Veronica was always genuinely interested in my well-being, it made me feel visible and wanted. From the moment I lived in Los Angeles, she made it possible for me to get through everything. Sometimes I do miss working here, but it isn't necessary anymore
''I'm doing okay,'' I said with a smile on my face that was brighter than how I honestly felt. Veronica wouldn't be Veronica, if she didn't notice my behaviour. She cocked her head to the right and furrowed her eyebrows – not fully believing my words.
''Lying to the people you care about is not your biggest talent.'' Veronica mentioned, and she cracked a smile. Being aware of the fact I was going to open up after her words. ''What is really going on, darling?'' And she laid her hand on mine.
I bit on my bottom lip. It was harder than I expected it to be. She hadn't seen how I was doing over the course of two years, neither had Veronica an idea about my feelings right now. Everything was all over the place, but her eyes made me realize she wanted me to tell her everything. Even if it was going to take hours until the story would be finished. She nodded her head gently, encouraging me to start.
''It's been rough.'' I started, and I could already feel the heaviness in my heart – protesting against bringing up the brutal years. But Veronica's kindness was more powerful than any of my thoughts to hold me back. She kept her hand on mine, squeezing it now and then to show me. ''When I worked at the Moulin Rouge, I fell hopelessly in love with my boss.''
''That handsome man who showed up regularly?'' She asked in a soft tone.
''Yes,'' I breathed out. ''I knew he wanted me, but first it was lust only. Until I made him clear I wasn't going to be around for pleasure, and that work was my first priority. I wanted to chase my dream here in Los Angeles.'' I explained, a massive grin was across my face as I reminded myself of the feeling I got when I first arrived here.
''I was consistently drawn to him. We argued, but in a fun way. Then we grew closer, emotionally. We were slowly but surely falling for one another, but afraid to say l love you. We went to New York City together, and it was so magical it warms my heart when I think about it.'' I spoke. ''But how we ended up when we arrived back in LA was less exciting.''
''What happened, love?'' Veronica questioned.
I sighed and leaned with my head on the palm of my hand. ''He ended up getting the wrong results for a test, so he was convinced by his corruptive friend William that I caused him a STD. Harry distanced himself from me, so abruptly. I was furious, but completely confused by his behaviour.''
I drank from the milkshake again, as I noticed my mouth was extremely dry from talking consistently.
''Eventually we worked things out, but not before he proved himself to me. I wasn't going to give in so easily, when he treated me like a stranger. We got into a relationship and things were going great, but then there was this drama that I never saw coming.'' I said. ''We went to Texas, to see and let him meet my family. He knows that they play an important role in my life. One night we got into this argument, since he found out that I had been engaged a long time ago.''
''Really? As in proper engaged?'' Veronica asked in shock.
I nodded, I could relive the feeling of Harry's eyes burning into mine whilst he said that. ''I had put the past behind me. That guy never mattered to me after I left him for good. But not telling Harry that bit of history was wrong. That was not the reason for why I felt bloody horrendous for two years.''
''Two years?'' Veronica asked in panic.
''Yes,'' I replied.
''Darling,'' She said, and I knew she was feeling sorry for me.
''Apparently, he knew my cousin but not in a good way. We had dinner together with the entire family, and afterwards there was big drama. He left that night without saying where he went or why he felt the need to flee from Texas – from me. Living without him for two years was unbearable. So many times I've been in denial and told myself that everything was going to get better. But I kept falling back into all the memories we had, and I told myself that whatever I felt for him was incapable to let go of.''
''I talked to friends, family, a therapist even but nothing helped. I tried, I really did, to let their help affect me – perhaps I'd see things differently. But the only person who could change my own point of view would never be a friend. I am the only one who can change my perspective, or make the decision to let go of everything we once shared. Knowing that didn't make it easier, but I did try to forget about him. If Harry moved on to another girl, named Emma, then I should continue with living my life as well.''
''But now you realize you can't?''
''I'm horrible at it.'' I said. ''Gosh, I've told myself a million times that we were both in a better place and that we had chosen to spend our lives without each other. But the more I start to live a life without Harry in it, the more I crave him to be next to me.''
''I know so well that him being gone for two years, and not letting me know a thing, is not a proper way to say goodbye to someone. He treated me like a piece of sh.it by getting away from me. Even though, I tell myself so many times I shouldn't get involved or become close to him it gets harder to stay away.''
''Vicks,'' Veronica said, and she wiped away the tear on my left check – I hadn't noticed I was crying a bit. ''First of all, don't blame yourself for still being in love with someone who managed to put you through hell – more than you wanted. We don't choose the people we fall for. If our heart beats for one person, we can't stop it. That is the beauty about falling for someone so deeply, it consumes you.''
I nodded in understanding.
''It's important that you know what you want, and if that is Harry you should go for it. But he abandoned you and you shouldn't be the only one to fight for a future with him. If he still loves you, he must show it – he must work for it. You are such a beautiful soul, Vicky. You bring such joy in anyone's life that people need to fight for you, too.''
I took a sip from the milkshake and stared straight ahead. ''He wants to propose to Emma. The idea of not being his scares me, Veronica. I know I can't stop him, but if he's going to propose to her I think my world might collapse.''
''Don't worry, child.'' She said and I could feel her looking at me with. ''I can't tell you that things are going to work out how you want them to be. But I think it's important to know your heart can be broken again, because that's how life works – we don't know what's about to cross our paths. If we accept the worst outcome, it can only become better.''
''I don't want to end up alone.'' I admitted weakly.
''You never will, darling. There are so many people surrounding you. Don't ever be afraid of that horrible feeling.'' She assured me with gentleness. ''What are you going to do now?''
''I should accept that my love for him never faded away.''
I hugged Veronica without asking. Normally, I wasn't a hugger but it felt like the right thing to do. She moved her hand on my back, telling me things were going to work out in the end. I told her about the fact I wasn't going to visit Ethan, Harry's cousin. I gave Veronica a brief explanation why I was going to the Moulin Rouge. The way she nodded her head, showed me she fully supported my decision. I promised her I'd come around very soon.
It took me ten minutes before I had the balls to get out of the car. Knowing that I was capable of breaking someone's heart, made me feel as if I was going to be the biggest b.itch ever. However, this was the best thing to do. My feet were heavy, and it felt like I was dragging myself to the entrance.
I greeted some of the staff before I headed up to the spiral staircase. My knuckles touched the door, and I could hear Ethan telling me I was allowed to come in.
As I opened the door carefully, I saw him sitting there with all this paperwork scattered across his desk. I put my hands in my leather jacket as I walked inside. He looked up, and I almost wanted to change my mind by the way he looked at me. It was apparent he did fancy me, because I could see that particular spark in his eyes and the lips I once kissed desperately curved faintly in a grin.
''Your message sounded serious,'' Ethan said, and he showed me a smile. But it faded when he saw that I nodded with difficulty. ''What's going on, Vicks?'' He questioned.
''I-I..'' I said, but my voice faded by impulse. I let myself fall onto the sofa, and I was biting cautiously on the inside of my cheek. ''I can't do this, Ethan.''
''What?'' He asked, but a nervous laugh followed his words.
''This.'' I said, and pointed to the both of us.
He closed his mouth, and leaned back into the chair.
''Ethan,'' I said in a whisper.
''It's okay, Vicks.'' His voice was almost flat.
''It doesn't sound like you think it's okay.'' I interject.
''Maybe I don't.'' He casually admits. ''But I can't force you to spend time with me when you don't feel attracted to me.''
''No,'' I said. ''I feel attracted to you, I really do. But I don't feel that I can be in love with you.'' I tried to explain. ''And I find that very important.''
He adjusted his tie with his right hand, and he was thinking about the words he could say to me. This was a perfect moment to run away to the beach house and lay in my bed instead of continuing this conversation. I was a terrible heartbreaker.
''It's never nice to hear that someone doesn't see you in the same way.'' He said in a low voice. ''But I'm glad you told me in person.''
''I don't want things to be awkward between us when we are at work.'' I said.
He gave me a kind smile. ''I'm not holding a grudge against you. We're mature enough to behave properly, even if we were more than colleagues in the past.''
I scratched the back of my neck. ''I suck at having these kind of conversations.'' I confessed.
''If you were good at these kinds of confessions,'' He spoke, not expecting anything from me, so he added. ''Then I needed to worry about you. But, Vicks, you aren't that kind of woman. I may not have had the privilege to be with you longer, but I've seen the way you treated me and other people. We're lucky.''
''Thank you.'' I said nicely. I looked around the room, but the silence made me aware that it was better for me to leave. ''I got to go. I'll leave you with all this paperwork, it seems you are busy.''
''Yeah, it's a lot. I will manage it.'' Ethan assured me, and I was thankful he kept this warm smile across his face – it made me feel as if we ended on good terms.
''I'll see you around,'' I said. ''Have a good afternoon, Ethan.''
''You too, Vicks.''
...
I was laying on the couch with my hand behind my head. The doors, which led to the beach, were entirely open. I could hear the sound of the sea in room and I sealed my eyes. The soft breeze was hitting my skin when it entered the house regularly. Through the speakers, the album of Mumford and Sons was being played - the slow songs were calming me down.
My fingers of my left hand were tapping along to the rhythm on my leg. My lips moved to the words being said.
When I left the Moulin Rouge, it felt as if a huge amount of relief had fallen from my shoulders. Telling Ethan we couldn't continue seeing each other, was harder than I anticipated. But knowing that Ethan still thought about me positively, warmed my heart.
My phone buzzed, and I got up from the couch. I turned the volume down, and grabbed the phone in my hand. I answered the call and placed the phone against my ear.
''Hello?''
''Am I speaking to Vicky West?'' a woman's voice asked.
''Yeah,'' I said.
''I'm Jenny, Mr. Styles' nurse.'' She introduced herself.
I recognized her voice now. I turned the music off and walked to the couch.
''Hi,'' I said kindly.
''Mr. Styles wants to see you.''
I swallowed the lump in my throat. ''He wants to see me?''
''Yes, he does.'' She said quickly. ''He asked me if he was allowed to invite someone over. Normally, we don't have visiting hours during this time of the day. But recalling the situation that occurred this morning, you're allowed to see him for an hour.'''
''Uhmm,'' I said, being overwhelmed by the sudden news.
''Obviously, you're not obliged Miss West. But I think he likes to see a familiar face right now.''
''I can come by.'' I spoke faintly.
''Wonderful. I shall tell Mr. Styles you'll be here soon.'' She spoke through the phone.
''Okay.''
...
I parked the car outside the hospital before I entered the building. I made sure Harry's nurse knew I was present. With a fast pace, I got closer to room 205.
The door was already open, so I knocked on it and peaked around the corner. Harry's eyes were fixated on the door, and then on me. Nervously, I smiled at him and entered the room. Carefully, I shut the door behind me.
I took my jacket off, and placed it over the chair.
''Hi,'' He spoke. His voice was low, but still soothing.
''Hey,'' I replied.
His eyes travelled from my feet to my face. My cheeks were pinkish, because of the attempt to speed-walk.
''It's good to see you.'' He said.
His eyes were watching me like I was his favourite artwork.
''Uhu,'' left my mouth and I sat down.
Harry furrowed his eyebrows suddenly. ''I'm sorry for Emma's behaviour this morning.''
''Don't apologize.'' I told him. ''You did nothing wrong.''
Harry shook his head in disagreement. ''I felt ashamed of her behaviour. You were patiently waiting, and she pushed you aside. The conversation I had with her was anything but nice.'' He rushed out. ''But you are here now.''
''I am here now.'' I repeated his words silently.
''What did you do today?'' He asked kind-heartedly.
I cleared my throat hastily. ''I went back to V's café, to see Veronica.''
''How is she doing?''
''Great. They just renovated everything.''
He was moving his metal ring around his finger slowly. Something about how he behaved was peculiar. My eyes were observing his physical appearance. He looked so pale, compared to the old days when he had a tan covering his skin. With his tongue, he touched his lips repeatedly.
It made me want to kiss him. But it would be strange if I did.
So I kept myself steady in the chair as I kept looking at him with adoration – whenever he didn't look at me.
''I talked to my doctor a few hours ago.'' He started, but his eyes were focused on the duvet that covered his body. ''Louis was with me when we had a conversation in the doctor's office. Something in me thought we had been sitting there for hours before we left, but it was simply a conversation of an hour.''
''How did it go?'' I questioned – I was interested to know the outcome.
''It was a very vague talk.'' Harry claimed. ''We talked about the accident, and the damage it has done to my body. Personally, I had the idea that everything had been discussed. But then Louis said we weren't going to get back to my room any time soon.''
I crossed my legs, leaned back and listened to his further explanation.
''I had to answer all these questions, and Louis kept staring at me with such confusion. It felt as if I was doing something wrong the entire time we sat there with the three of us.'' Harry told me.
''Okay.'' I said faintly. ''And what happened then?''
''They stopped asking at some point. I questioned them why we stopped, and Louis looked at me with so much concern in his eyes. He asked if I was speaking the truth, so I told him I had no reason to lie.''
Harry sighed heavily. Then he turned his head towards me hurriedly, and his evergreen eyes showed me this outright feeling of guilt – extremely embarrassed of what he was going to tell me. Again, he was wetting his lips.
''Apparently, I left you two years ago.''
''Yes, you did.'' I said.
I settle down with a weak smile.
''I can't remember it.''
...
A/N: don't hate me hihi
Q: What is your favourite sad song?
vote, comment your thoughts about this chapter and see you soon xo