Is this really the life I've been living...where I did what I've always wanted to do? I finally left that stupid House...I got into detective work, I somehow, out of all people, 'reunited' with Ryuuzaki. Or was there more behind it?
Why would he know? Were we that close? How can I not know about myself!? Have I've been lying to myself everyday?
I don't remember much about being home, only that it was an apartment, I allowed myself to be in very specific rooms, and that mom and dad were never home... That's all I allowed myself to know.
Anything else about that dirty, tattered apartment I forced myself not to know. It was like every nerve in my body would get shaken up everytime I get near a room I wasn't "supposed" to go in. I always restricted myself, and I want to find out why. And--
That's right...I was not only depriving myself of sleep because of the case...it was because I'd dream of those times like that, but only in situations of unbelievable stress.
That's one restriction: sleep. I wonder what else...
"We're here."
"Huh? Oh, right." Being lost in thought, I forgot about the taxi I was in. I payed the driver. "Thank you." I said right before I shut the door.
There it was. An aging apartment building; I'm surprised they haven't condemned it yet. I see some familiar faces as I walk in, they were the same since no one else bothered to go here. I didn't dare take the elevator, I'll bet my sight and eyes if that thing can go a month without breaking down, and if they spend less than six months to repair it.
I climbed up the creepy, screeching stairs. I remember how unsettling it was on these since there are patches of darkness every once in a while; you guessed it, scattered lighting everywhere. 5th floor...room 352.
As always...no lock. No lighting, no pleasant feelings in mind at first sight. Any normal person who's easily spooked by a haunted house or such would take off running.
So what was my life here? I would always come home to an apartment that "needed work", with a century old alarm clock as the closest technology that came with the room. Anything else was bought by me.
But there was a surprise waiting for me on the couch.
"Ayame-san..." I whispered. My adoptive mother...unconscious with a bottle in her hand, and many others scattered around the floor. Now I remember... Takeshi-san walked out on us. I walked over and place a hand on her head full of tangled, thick frizzy hair and shook it. "Ayame-san." I said louder. No response. "Ayame-san." A stir. At least she's alive...
I walked out of the first room and cautiously entered the gray kitchen (well, everything was gray). I guess I would tell myself if I was allowed in the room. There was a small hallway entrance and three other small rooms. Quite a large apartment...
Pick a room, any room. I walked towards to the second one towards my left, I know that's mine. I was tense passing that first door, felt an unknown resentment. So that's one of those rooms. When I entered my room, I chuckled shyly when I saw how I had left my laptop there, the only electrical bill was of to charge that. Everything seems alright...
The other room was simply the parents' room, nothing to worry about there. So it's just that one. Go in, find out.
I spent all that time hiding it from myself, I'm really going to bring it all back? Yeah...not knowing isn't helping me at all. But if I really tried...
And it's locked. Of course! No way I can find the key. When all else fails, kick the door down and thank the bits of field training you retained. I turned towards the living room to see if Ayame-san had any reaction, there was nothing. I gulped and looked in the room.
Boxes. About three boxes. It's a really small storage room. Whatever I was hiding, I guess it was all for nothing now.
By the time I took a few steps in, there was already a feeling familiarity, and I walked to a...specific-feeling spot. Muscle memory perhaps? "Which box should I open first?" I asked myself.
But when I turned my head to the right, there was something that took me by surprise. Melatonin pills... I thought I was done with those, haha...
When my habits of staying up too much began, those were my last resort...I think. No, that had to be longer ago. I move them aside and decide to open the box they were sitting on. It had no label, no tape, and was about the size of a jewelry box. Except it didn't have jewelry, it had a journal. Well this should make things easier...
Entry 1:
This should help me with writing, so I'll just do this whenever it gets lonley.
It's the same everyday, it's like we do nothing but wake up, go through the day, then sleep and the cycle repeats again. It's boring, really. What can I do?
I skipped several pages.
Entry 12:
Nothing to say, an uneventful day.
A huge chunck of the pages had the same exact thing writen in it. After skipping several other legitimate entries, I found one that had some interesting words in it.
Entry 27:
So I've kept you for a little over a year now, what should I name you? Should I give you a name like Anne Frank? That's weird though, so maybe not. If only you could respond.
I remember this... back at that stupid house... Blurry images of kids where starting to surface in the back of my mind. I was always watching others, never involved. I felt like I didn't belong, just some object in the backround.
Entry 48:
No one to speak to, only you. That's all.
I was never in fully engaged conversations, I never attempted to befriend anyone, I never wanted to get attched to someone. Why? I wonder why...
Why...? It finally clicked. I had witnessed someone betray a friend, and the reaction from the person was full of anger and sadness, just being there pulled at my heartstrings to the point where I wanted to cry. I was so afraid of that happening to me that...
I kneeled down and sat on my feet, placing my arms on a box and rested my beginning to ache head there and stared at the pale wall.
'What's your name?'
'Tell me yours first. L isn't a name, just a letter.'
Could that be one of the first conversations we had?
'I can't do that.'
I stood back up and flipped towards the end of the thick journal, eventually hitting the last entry that took up quite a few pages.
I can start a new life with a different mind. I won't really forget all of this, but I can tell myself to push these memories so far away that it will be like I never experienced them. Will I remember this? I do remember trying a few times, but how would I know if I was successful? Hm, crazy isn't it? No, I'm the one who's crazy, talking to you like you've been the person to council me whenever I had problems. You were quite the working therapist, huh? A session almost everyday...and I still talk to you like you're a real person.
I've only been talking to myself.
I stopped reading after that and slammed the book shut. That, what I just read, was what I believed I did. But really... with the help of Ryuuzaki... I got rid of some memories I didn't want to know, like that dream reminded me.
But they kept coming back. Why? Who knows? But it was always in sleep...eventually there would be something I considered a nightmare and would forget about as soon as I woke up, but I would be so terrified from just the blurry images still in my mind that I decided to sleep less.
But why was I able to trust others? Why can I speak so normally?
'So, why are you talking to me?'
'You seem like a lone wolf. But also someone that wants to talk to others.'
~☆~
Dat last line though was brought to you by personal experience and inspiration after watching Hercules :3
Another short one with a crazy busy day tommorow, I may have to reply to comments and stuff a lot later. G'night!!
*unedited*
~Don't forget to vote! :)
***Gosh flipping darn it the notes got annoying again. Anyways, unless you remember the original chapter, you won't know what that shitty last line I made up was. Bye~***
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*Uh, before I ask you to follow my tumblr again, as I went through this...... I think I realized something horribly wrong... parts of this chapter may be missing. I have no idea, it's been so long... Uh... I'll see what I can do, later. But if it is so and part of the chapter is missing, I apologize. You may be confused for a while...
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