NORMANI POV
I'd never imagined that this would be so difficult. Having feelings for another person is fine. It's what you do about it that can decide your future. Being careful is something I've always tried to be. It's not as simple as being with the one you want. It's really not. My job could be on the line if I let this get out of hand. Is Lauren really worth my job? That is something I'm really not sure about yet. I've known her for two weeks, and for almost a week of that time, she was avoiding me like I had some sort of contagious disease. When I told her I was disappointed I wasn't lying. What I didn't expect, though, was for her to almost break down in front of me.
The way she flinched when I touched her almost broke my heart. What breaks my heart even more, though, is the knowledge that she is in this state because of me. She is hurting because of me, and she is avoiding her classes because of me. Maybe she doesn't want to be in the same room as me. I don't want that. I want her close by, working and being awesome like I know she can be. I want her to be honest with me, but that is easier said than done. This isn't an issue that can easily be resolved. At least not without someone getting hurt, and I don't want Lauren hurting anymore than she already is. So, I decided not to tell her that I knew how she felt. What would it achieve anyway? It wouldn't make things any easier, and it wouldn't make any difference.
She was right when she told Ally that it couldn't happen. Is she only holding back to protect me and my reputation? Knowing that that is likely to be the case only makes me want her even more. How can someone be so caring of the others feelings and suffer alone? I do really want to talk to her, but I'm not sure how to approach the conversation. Even if I told her how I knew and she was okay with it, I still don't know how we would resolve the fact that we both want each other.
Once it is out in the open, it becomes harder to resist. Knowing that we both want it, but can't? It becomes forbidden fruit. The more we are told to stay away from it, the more we have to have it. The more we have to taste it. And I want to taste it so so much.
Making my way out of campus, I walk to my car and slide in. Tonight is ladies night at a local bar and I'd promised myself for the past three days that I would head down. I could use something to take my mind off of my troubles right now, and who knows, I may just get lucky.
The short drive to my home is pleasant. An early finish on a Friday means I don't get caught up in rush hour traffic. Reaching my house within fifteen minutes, I park my car up the drive and grab my belongings from the passenger seat. Slipping my key into the lock I enter my cold and lonely home and set down my things. Locking the door behind me, I head straight for the bedroom and pick out tonight's outfit. I have to look hot, and I have to look like less of a professor than I usually do. Nobody wants to date a professor. I may look hot in my reading glasses at work, but it ends there.
Making my way into the bathroom, I hit the shower and wait for the steam to fill the room. Tonight I will forget all about my problems at work. The problems in my personal life which have begun at work. It's so complicated right now and I'm pretty sure that a few drinks will settle my worries. It's the weekend, I'm hot, and tonight....I'm getting laid.
Feeling the cool air hit me, I figured it may not have been the best idea to have a glass of wine before I left home. My head a little light, I felt good about tonight. I'd had a pretty crappy time since I arrived in Miami, and although it was a beautiful place, I hadn't had chance to check out much of it. Tonight, I would make up for that. Surrounded by people I don't know can only be a good thing. If it goes wrong, I won't hit this particular club again.
Reaching the front of the club, it looked pretty awesome. A lot of ladies is just what I like to see on a Friday night. Sure, I only have one woman on my mind right now, but I have to push her to the back of my mind. It simply wouldn't work. We both know that.
Stepping inside the smell of perfume immediately hits me square in the face. Moving through the crowd and towards the bar, I like what I'm seeing. Receiving a few looks as I move through the place, I smile and simply focus on my first task. "White wine, please. Large." Receiving a nod and a wink from the woman behind the bar I glance around and find that it's pretty busy.
Handed my wine, I find the same woman checking me out as I turn and head back into the crowd. Deciding to browse for a little while, I find a spot that I like the look of and I place my drink down on the nearby table. Eyeing a woman who is dancing erratically on the dance floor, I find her waving at me, and I narrow my eyes. Please tell me I don't know her. Who actually dances like that? Realising that she is headed my way, I take a large sip of my wine and hope that the unhinged woman will be out of here in no time.
"Hey, Hamilton, right?"
"Um, my surname yes, but...who-" I'm cut off by the woman who is now screaming into my ear.
"Hansen. You're my professor." She yells.
"Ah, Dinah. Yes, I remember." I smile. Does everywhere have students? Or MY students to be exact?
"You do know this is a lady lovin' place, right?" She questions.
"Really?" Feigning shock I place my hand over my mouth and gasp. "I'd never have known."
"Hey, you're a lot more funny outside of class. You don't seem to have that stick up your ass tonight."
"Ah, Miss Hansen. Yes, that's one of my personal favourites." Raising an eyebrow, the younger woman knows not to go too far. I may be away from campus, but come Monday morning, she will feel the wrath of Hamilton if she isn't careful.
"So, wait....you're gay?"
"Does it really matter?" I narrow my eyes.
"Um, yeah. Got a wager on it."
"Oh, you have? Who exactly is a part of this wager?" Comes to something when my students are betting on my sexuality.
"Just me, Coleman and a few of the guys who sit at the back of the class." The blonde haired woman shrugs and waits for an answer.
"Y-You're actually waiting for a response to that question?"
"Uh, yeah." She snorts. "I've got fifty bucks on it."
"Fifty bucks on what?"
"You being here to support your best friend and you have a husband back at home."
"I guess you just lost your money then, Dinah." I throw her a wink and see the disappointment on her face.
"Damn. So, you like the ladies, too?" Her shoulders slump. "The guys will be pissed. They had a bet going on who would take you out first, too."
"Oh, they did?" Sipping on my wine, my student is almost wearing it when I hear this piece of very disturbing information.
"Yeah. Guess I can let them down on Monday for you, Hamilton."
"I'd appreciate that, Dinah." I give her a smile and glance around the club behind her. "So, are you here alone?"
"Why? You trying to take me home with you?" Wow, this woman doesn't stop.
"That would a no, but...thanks?"
"It's okay. I'm just here for the liquor. I'm not gay." She states as she starts backing away from me. "See you Monday, Pro."
"Sweet Jesus, she is a handful." Laughing to myself, the realisation suddenly dawns on me. Crap! She is Lauren's friend. Looking around, I don't see any sign of the most beautiful brunette in any room anywhere in the world.
It's not that I'm trying to avoid her, well...I am, but only for her own sake. I've seen how torn she looks. Hell, she stopped coming to class because it meant seeing me, so the least I can do is avoid her for her own sake. She doesn't know I know, so she won't think twice about any of it.
I wonder if she will ever admit her feelings. I wonder if we will ever have a shot of something. Anything. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't tonight, but it's kind of hard when she is the only thing on my mind. No matter what I do, I can't get Lauren out of my head. She's there...burned in for life.
I'd hate for her to ever be 'the one that got away' but I also cannot do this. We cannot be together. It hurts, but it's the truth. Pulled out of my thoughts by a presence beside me, I glance to my right and find a beautiful light brown haired woman. Giving her a smile, she returns one of her own and moves closer.
"You look like you could use a refill." Okay, she's kinda hot.
Glancing down at my almost empty glass, I turn back and give a slight nod. "That would be great, thank you. Normani..." Extending my hand, she takes mine in hers and moves closer. "Sam. I'll be right back. Same again?"
"Yes, thanks." Watching the taller woman walk away, I notice that I felt nothing when I took her hand in my own. It's not uncommon, but after I'd felt that spark with Lauren, I feel like every other woman I come into contact with cannot measure up to her. Stop, Normani. She is trying to move past it, you should do the same.
"Normani?"
Snapping my head around, I'm met with the most beautiful sight in the world. Holding onto the chair beside me, I steady myself and take a breath. "Lauren, hi." Oh god, she looks amazing.
"What are you doing here?" She smiles a half smile and brings her gaze back up from my chest when I clear my throat. "Uh-"
"Enjoying a night out. Isn't that what people do at clubs?" I narrow my eyes. I know what she is getting at, but I've already had a round of twenty questions with Dinah and I don't wish for round two right now.
"Um, yeah...I mean, I just didn't expect to see you here is all." She shrugs as she knocks back a shot one of her friends had handed her as they passed by. "You feeling better after today?" Raising an eyebrow, I can see the internal struggle she has going on.
"Yeah, just...something and nothing. It had just been a long day." I wave my hand between us and give her a small smile. She doesn't need to know about the torment I have going on inside right now. What's the point?
"Look, I'm sorry but...you do know what kind of bar this is, right?"
"Why do people keep asking me that? Yes, Lauren. I know it is a gay bar." Sighing, she can see that she has riled me up a little.
"Woah, chill. I just, I didn't expect to see you in this type of bar. I'm sorry." Dropping her gaze, she shook her head. Why do I keep giving her this attitude? Is it a way of protecting myself? Whatever it is...it has to stop. "Enjoy your-"
Cut off by the woman handing me a fresh drink, I see the hurt in her eyes, and I know in that moment that I want to be with this woman. If I never date anyone again, if I remain single forever...that is fine by me. Lauren is too good of a person to hurt, even if we can't be together. Watching her walk away, I excuse myself from the other woman, and follow the brunette, my student, into the crowd. "Lauren, wait..."
Turning in her spot, I notice her eyes are glistening. Oh, I've upset her. Crap!
"What?" Her tone a little harsher than I expected, but fully understandable, I give her a sad smile.
"I-It's just a drink. It doesn't mean anything." The words falling from my lips before I can process them, I know it was a mistake. She doesn't know that I know, and now I'm just talking in riddles. Or so I think...
"Whatever...why do I care what it is?" Shrugging, she moves away from me and it hurts. Looking back at the woman waiting for me, I give her a smile and turn to find Lauren has disappeared. Damn!
Weaving my way back through the crowd, I thank Sam for my drink and make a little small talk. All the while, I have Lauren on my mind. That tight black dress she was wearing and showing off all of her curves? Wow. That girl is definitely ALL woman. Finding that I am unable to concentrate, I excuse myself and head into the crowd. I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed, but I keep walking.
Soon enough, I find Lauren slumped in a chair and sipping on some dark liquid. Rum? Brandy? Whatever it is, it isn't non-alcoholic. I wish I could just hold her. I need to hold her. It doesn't have to mean anything, right? I'm about to break, and I can't say I'll regret it. "Lauren?"
"Please, don't." She sighs and turns her back. Wow, I didn't expect that. Feeling a little hurt that all I'm given is her back, I stand for a minute and think about what to say next. As much as I like her back, I'd rather be looking at her beautiful face.
"Don't what?" I force out. I'm not sure I want to hear the answer, but I think I need to. I need to hear her feeling's because until she tells me, none of this is real. We can play back and forth all we like, she doesn't know I know she likes me, and she doesn't know that I like her.
"Don't come here, to my local gay bar and flaunt yourself around. Not if you aren't prepared to get hit on."
"Excuse me?" A little taken by her comment, I'm not entirely sure what she is trying to say. "You're going to have to give me a little more than that, Lauren."
"And don't do that." She scoffs and gives me a look of disgust. O..kay.
"What now?" Running out of patience, I find her staring into her glass and refusing to meet my eyes. "You know what, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry I came here tonight and ruined your night. If you don't speak to me, if you don't give me something, I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"You can't just come here and look beautiful and expect people not to fall over you."
"Uh, that wasn't my intention." I lie. It totally was, but I didn't know that she would be here. If I'd have known, I never would have come.
"Then why are you here?" She finally meets my eyes. "You're not even gay!"
Wow. She's full of pleasantries tonight. I don't even have a response for what she has just shouted at me above the music in this place...which by the way...is loud. "Come with me."
"What? No." She shakes her head and laughs.
I take her drink from her hand and sip on it. "Rum? Okay, I'm going to the bar, and when I get back, we are going outside because I can't freaking hear myself think in here."
Before the brunette has a chance to argue with me, I'm gone and I'm heading over to the bar as quickly as I can. If I don't do this soon, she will either leave, or I will back out. Just talk to her. She will understand and she will probably agree. After waiting a couple of minutes, I return with our drinks and find her sat in the same position, tugging on her fingers. "Come on."
Finding her simply staring at me, I hand her a fresh drink and take her hand in my own. And there it is. The connection. The one thing that has kept me awake since I met her. The one thing that drives me insane every freaking day. Pulling her up to her feet, I'm lost in her deep green eyes. They should be illegal. "I can't." She mumbles but it is loud enough for me to hear as the music fades out.
"You can. Please?" I have to do this. We can never be friends or even student/professor if we don't do this.
"I'm scared." She states as I lace our fingers together.
"Of what?"
"This being the first and the last time that I will ever touch you. Feel your skin against my own." Her eyes void of anything and everything, my heart is actually breaking.
"Please come outside with me, Lauren." Giving her a sad smile, she nods and I guide us both through the crowd. Reaching the fresh air I'm so desperately craving, I find my student stuck in her spot. Taking a seat and placing my drink down beside me, I motion for her to join me and she finally moves her feet. God, this is going to break my heart as well as hers.
"Lauren-"
"You don't have to say anything." She cuts in. "I don't know what you've been told, but it's clear that you know something. Whatever it is, you don't have to worry about it, I'm not going to get in your way, and I'm not going to cause you any problems on campus. I'm not that kind of person."
"Oh, Lauren." My eyes fill with tears and I don't even know where to begin. The woman in front of me is a mess, and I'm well on my way to joining her. "Has anybody ever told you how sweet you are?"
"No, actually...they haven't." Her naked shoulders shrugging, I knock back my drink, and watch her do the same. "Walk with me?"
"Sure." She gave a nod and stood. Leaving the front of the club, we rounded the corner and silence fell over us both. Just talk to her. Tell her how your feeling.
"When did you know?" I ask. "When did it start?"
Tears falling down beautiful cheeks, she shook her head. "Um, the day I met you."
Stopping us both, I leant against a nearby wall and pulled Lauren beside me. "I need you to listen to me, when I've finished, you can walk away...and I'll understand. I just, I need you to listen, okay?"
"Okay." Her voice breaking, I wanted the floor to swallow me up. How can I do this to her? She is the only person I've cared about in as long as I can remember.
"You are the most wonderful person I've ever met. You really are. Yes, I felt it too the day we met. I tried to block it out, but I couldn't. Maybe I didn't want to, I don't know." Shrugging my shoulders, I tightened my grip on her hand and stood in front of her. "I know how I feel about you, and I heard every word that you said to Ally in that music room, I just, we..."
"We can't be together." She cried.
"No, Lauren. We can't." Feeling her try to lose my grip, I tightened it. "Another life? Yes. And I know that me saying this doesn't help in any way at all, but you had to know how I felt about you. It was important to me. I'm sorry if this has just made things more complicated but I could see how much you were struggling. I don't want you to never know how I felt, and I didn't want to walk away with you not knowing how I felt."
"God, this is so messed up." She shakes her head. "Never?"
I can see how much she wants this, and I do too, but I cannot live my life, or my relationship in secret. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. "I don't think so. I'm sorry. The attitude in my office? I thought you and Ally were together and yes...I got jealous. I've never been jealous in my life, but you made me feel jealous. I just, I wanted you to know that I'm struggling just as much as you."
"You are?"
"Yes. I've lay awake every night since I heard what you said. I thought it was purely one-sided on my part. I didn't think you had any feelings for me whatsoever. When I heard that, and yes...I heard everything, I just, I couldn't believe that you would ever fall for someone like me."
"Someone like you? You are joking, right?" She laughed. "You are the most amazing person I've ever met, Normani."
"I am?" Truly shocked by her admission, I find that I'm really struggling. God, I want to kiss her. I really want to kiss her. I don't want this to end, whatever it is, I don't want it to end. Taking her other hand in my own, I can feel the warmth spreading through my body. Neither of us are drunk. Yes, we have had a couple of drinks each, but we are fully aware of what's happening. Neither of us are going to wake up tomorrow and not remember a thing.
"Yes." Pulling our hands into her body, I can feel the toned muscles of her stomach flex as she breathes heavily.
Lifting our hands above her head and against the wall, I move in closer until our bodies are pressed together. "We can't do this." My mind is racing and her perfume is attacking my every sense.
"I know." She bites down on her bottom lip and I switch my gaze between those beautiful green eyes and those full red lips.
Pearly whites showing as she almost draws blood, I find myself leaning in as close as possible. Our bodies touching, I find pure want and need in her eyes. "Lauren, we have to stop this."
"I know." She closes her eyes and nods in agreement. We both agree but neither of us can pull ourselves away from one another. If I continue whatever is about to happen, that's me done. I will never find another like her. You have to think about this, Normani. Don't play games. If this happens, you are in, you know that.
Breath mingling together, I can almost feel Lauren's lips against my own. I want it, I need it, but neither of us is willing to make the final move. "Lauren..."
And I'm gone. Her lips meeting mine, I'm ready to give up on everything in life if it means I have this woman by my side forevermore. I know we shouldn't do this, but I cannot stop. Lauren is a drug and she is one I could quickly get hooked on. Lips pressing together, she parts her own and allows me access. My tongue running along the roof of her mouth, I need more. I need all of her. Pulling back, I shake my head and immediately see the hurt in her eyes. "I-I'm sorry."
"We shouldn't have..."
"No, Lauren ...Please don't regret it. I don't. I just, I'm not the type of woman who makes out on the street."
A slight smile tugging at her lips, I flash her own of my own dimpled smiles. "We're in trouble aren't we?"
"Yeah." I sigh. "I'm sorry but...I just, that can't be it. That can't be our goodbye." I shake my head and I immediately notice the light in her eyes. It's something I haven't seen since the first few days we spent together.
"It can't?" Her voice hopeful.
"No. I know what we are doing is wrong, but-" shaking my head, I smile. "I just can't pull myself away from you."
"D-Do you live far from here?"
Narrowing my eyes, I find her own darkening. "No. Five minutes."
"Maybe we could talk? Properly?" She raises an eyebrow. Even her eyebrows are perfect. Just like the rest of her.
"S-Sure, if that's what you want. I-I don't want to pressure you into anything, Lauren."
"I know. I just, I can't actually believe what has just happened and I'm not ready to let you go just yet. Just...tonight, please?"
"Okay." I nod in agreement. "But you have to tell your friends that you are leaving. They will worry."
"What should I tell them?" She quizzes.
"Whatever you believe you should tell them. I trust you, and I trust your friends." I think.
Rounding the corner and back towards the club, we refuse to lose contact. Her hand in mine. My hand in hers. They just fit...perfectly. She turns to face me and my heart stops. "I don't want this to be our only night, Normani."
"I know." I smile. "It won't be...."