hello all, i would like to apologize for not updating as fast as i usually do. things just keep getting worse and its v hard for me to write sometimes, and im sorry. i don't mean to keep you guys waiting, and i appreciate it so much that none of you are pressuring me update all the time. i'll still be writing, but the updates might be slow from time to time.
also, some of you were complaining that kellin didn't return the favor to vic. well as you can clearly see i suck at writing smut and it's hard for me so, no i wasn't doing it again lmao.
anyways this chapter got sorta deep and it might be boring to a few of you, but it had to be done. idk i hope it all makes sense and i don't sound like a complete idiot bc it took me awhile to write.
okay that's all enjoy the chapter ily bye.
warnings: triggering thought/actions
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[Kellin's POV]
When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I noticed was the pounding headache I had. The second thing I noticed is that there was an arm wrapped around me, as per normal. I stayed there in bed, trying to get the motivation to get up and get some aspirin when all the memories from last night flooded into my mind. My cheeks gushed red, and I quickly wiggled out of Vic's hold he had on me, causing him to stir. When I sat up I couldn't help but groan in annoyance from this fucking hangover.
When I saw Vic stir some more I quickly got up before he woke up and went straight to the bathroom for some aspirin. How is he going to react? I don't know if he'll be mad or disgusted or happy, there's really no telling with him. I don't know what goes on inside that head of his.
After taking the two pills, I got two pills for Vic as well. I walked out of the room to see him sitting up in his bed looking straight ahead. I grabbed a water bottle from the mini fridge and hesitantly made my way towards his bed. I set the pills and water down on the bedside table, and slowly sat on the edge of the bed. He hadn't moved from his spot before, he was just staring at the wall straight ahead of him with this blank expression. I was about to speak up and ask him what the hell he was doing, but he beat me to it.
"Kellin, what did we do last night." He asked slowly in a low tone, still not tearing his gaze away from the wall.
"Um.." I started, afraid if I said it wrong then all hell would break loose. "You may have or may have not given me a blowjob."
I would've expected to get some sort of reaction out of him, but I didn't. At least not really. All he did was nod his head a little in a slow motion, still staring at that damn wall.
"Would you stop staring at the fucking wall for five seconds and talk to me? Tell me what your thoughts are. Something, please, don't leave me hanging like this." I said, quickly growing irritated with this little game of his.
"I need to go." He said, still not bothering to look at me. He pulled the covers away from his lap and got up, walking to his dresser quickly.
"You're not going anywhere until you tell me what you're thinking." I said, not moving from my spot on the bed yet. He's not just going to leave me like this, wondering for the whole day about what his thoughts are. It's not fair to me, and I'm not going to let it happen.
He continued to ignore me, slipping on pants and a shirt in the process. It was only when he started walking towards the door did I speak up once more. I quickly stepped between him and the door, not letting him leave. "Don't ignore me."
"Fine! You wanna know how I feel?! I feel like you need to leave me alone! I don't want to be with you, so get that out of your head." He exploded on me.
"What made you think that I thought you wanted to me be with me?!" I asked, completely confused.
"Actions speak louder than words, Kellin." Vic said coldly.
I scoffed, fed up with his bullshit. "If that's the case, then you're the one who acts like you want to be with me! Need I remind you that you came on to me last night? You're the one who insisted on us being friends and suggested I sleep with you until I got my pills back. You're the one who made all the advances here, so don't try and blame shit on me just because you're afraid to admit your feelings towards me!"
"Need I remind you that I was drunk last night?" He said, poking my chest when he said ‘you’. "I was drunk and horny, and you just so happened to be the only person around. Last night was a mistake, it meant nothing. And as for my other actions, it's called being friendly. But that's okay, I'll keep that in mind next time you can't sleep or you're all alone with no friends, because obviously I can't do anything without being accused of liking you. I don't know why you think you're something special, because you're not. You're just another person, and I don't like you. Get that through that thick skull of yours." He finished his rant, pushing me out of the way, and then stormed off down the stairs, slamming the door on his way out.
I stood there astonished, letting everything he said sink in.
I was just some random fuck, it didn't mean anything and last night was a mistake. Not to mention I'm not special to him. Those are the things that hit me the most, and in no time, there were tears streaming down my cheeks.
It was a huge slap in the face to hear that last night meant nothing to him. Regardless if I was drunk or not, I gave him my body to do whatever he pleased with, and to hear that that meant nothing and was a mistake hurt. A lot.
Not only did he use me, but he also said that I wasn't special, that I was just like everyone else. I shouldn’t have been upset, honestly. I already knew all this. But hearing it come from someone I genuinely care about like Vic, triggered something in me.
I don't know if it was the fact that he meant everything to me and I meant nothing to him, or if it was the fact that he was completely right, but it sent me over the edge. I've been doing so well with staying clean and keeping myself away from the blade, but now all I want is to see blood. And a lot of it.
I quickly gathered my clothes and took my box out from underneath my bed, then headed into the bathroom. I haven't done this in a while and so I was eager to let out all this pent up anger and frustration I had.
After I stripped myself from my clothes, I stepped into the shower and turned it on, letting the warm water lightly pound down on my shoulders. I grabbed the razor blade that was on the ledge of the tub, and sat down, ready to mutilate my skin once more. I dragged the razor across my thigh, seeing the dark scarlet red liquid seep through the wound shortly after.
This is what I hated. Sitting here on this tub floor, and finding it comforting and releasing to see my own blood. I remember when I first started getting bullied and abused, that I promised myself I would never get to be like this. Now look where I am. Doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do.
I quickly became frustrated with myself and my actions, which resulted in me throwing the bloody blade across the shower. I crumbled onto the floor of the tub even more, sinking further and further into my depressed state. These are the times where I have no hope, I mean look what where I am, what I'm doing. I'm sitting here on the floor of the shower, choking on my own tears while wallowing in my own self-pity, just like I have so many times before. I've been in this situation countless of times, it's like a routine for me, it comes natural. And I hate that. I hate the way sadness is addicting. Sadness is familiar, and it gives me a sense of comfort, like sleeping in your own bed after being away for a while. Sadness is normal to me, like this is how it's supposed to be, and I want nothing more than to just get out of that mindset. But I'm stuck. I can't shake myself away from this hole I've managed to dig myself in.
So I sat there on the floor, letting the water soak my hair, and blur my vision with the help of my tears as well. I don't know how long I was in my little ball, but I didn't care. I had no motivation to move. I didn't care what happened to me at this point, I have no hope left.
After sometime of just sitting there, not even crying anymore, but just sitting there, I heard the door open. I couldn't think of anyone else it would be besides Vic, so I got up off the floor and turned the water off. I got dried off and cleaned my cuts, not even bothering to hurry up. When I was all bandaged up and dressed, I locked my box back up, not before returning the blade, and set it in the bottom drawer of my side of the sink.
When I walked out of the bathroom I saw Vic sitting on his bed, but he had Tony and Jaime with him too. They both looked at me, and each gave me a small smile that I couldn't be bothered to return back. Vic just stared at me with an unreadable explanation, it should've had some sort of effect on me, but it didn't. I was numb.
Tony, Jaime, and I were cool, they apologized to me for all the abuse and now that's all behind us. They even turned out to be pretty cool guys, especially Tony. He reminds me a lot of myself sometimes, shy and timid.
I walked over to my bed, grabbed my phone and notepad, and then headed to the door. There I could hear the boys' conversation continue while I put my shoes on. And no one said anything to me as I walked out the door, heading to the cliff.
I decided that I was going to write another song. I don't even know if that's such a good idea since I'm in like a zombie state right now, but I just need to get all that I'm feeling off my chest. Who knows, maybe the song will actually turn out to be pretty good.
When I arrived to the cliff, instead of sitting at the tree like I normally do, I ventured down the sandy path that led to the beach. There I walked down the shore, admiring the way the waves crashed upon shore, not letting anything get in their way.
I wish I could be like those waves, not letting anything stop me from getting what I want. What I want right now is happiness, but of course I have my mind, the bullies, and Vic working against me on that goal. I want to be able to say one day that I overcame all my problems, and one day I want to be able to live a normal, happy life. That seemed impossible though. For more than 4 years I've been stuck in this never ending torture. I'm worn out, I don't have much fight left in me, and it's only a matter of time before I finally give up and snap. But until then, I'll do my best at trying to attain happiness.
I found a big rock not far from the shore that I settled on, picking that as my spot to write. There's something about nature, especially the ocean that gave me some sort of inspiration. It's It gave me some sort of ability to step back and reflect on all my situations in life, and then using that information and putting it into a song.
So that's exactly what I did, I looked back on my lifetime, and created something that I could be proud of from my troubles. And for the next two hours I sat there, coming up with two songs that I cherished and was pleased with. It gave me a sort of satisfaction, knowing that you could always find something good even in the most horrible situations if you tried hard enough. And tried I did. They were labeled Satellites, and Rodger Rabbit.
Satellites was about being free, realizing that sitting around and waiting for something to change isn't going to happen on its own. You have to be your own inspiration and your own muse to be able to change your situation. And sitting there moping around about how much you hate the way your life is isn't going to help you with your goal, it's only going to set you back farther. Sometimes you have to work for a good life, and that's okay. You just have to be willing to put in the work.
Roger Rabbit was about being independent. Doing things on your own. I've realized that I've been way too dependent on my friends and the people around me. Life is learning process, and coming to terms with yourself. In the end, you're the only one who's always going to be there for yourself. You have to be there to catch yourself when you fall, and you have to be able to get back up. Nobody is going to hold your hand and guide you through, it's up to you to understand that the only person you have to rely on is yourself. No one is going to feel your pain, and nobody is going to take that pain away from you. You have to do it on your own, you have to work towards attaining what you want in life. It won't come easy, but complaining about it and doing nothing to change it will get you nowhere in life. It's up to yourself to change, because no one is going to do it for you.
And in these past 2 hours, I can honestly say that I've gained a new sense of hope. All I needed was some inspiration that I didn't know I had. I guess all of us have some hope, even if we thought there was none left, there's always something to hold onto deep inside yourself. You have to find that, and when you do, use it to the best of your advantage.
I can definitely say that this is a turning point for me. No more living for someone else, I'm living for me and for me only from now on. If I want to get better, I have to be able to do it for myself. That doesn't mean that I can't have some help and reassurance here and there, but at the end of the day I'm going to have to be able to rely on myself to change. And I'm finally okay with that. I'm done fighting and regretting the ways my cards of life were dealt. I can change my hand and make it better, and I'm not giving up until I do.
I know that I'll have setbacks and weak times, but everyone does. It's only human. But with every setback and every failure, it only you makes you that much stronger of a person. As cliché and mainstream this sounds, everything happens for a reason, but it's also true. And with each thing that happens, you can either turn it into something good, or something bad. That's your choice.
I have a new outlook on life, and if you ask me I like this outlook a lot better than my previous one.
Now let's just hope I can stick to this new outlook, and refrain from slipping back into old habits.