Writing this chapter killed me.
R.I.P James <3
Empty.
Lonely.
Alone.
I was too numb to feel anything; all the colour from my life had vanished and I was living a black and white movie, doing only the essentials, not even aware of when I was doing them.
The energy, the life, my soul had been drained, this was one just one big horrible nightmare, one that I needed to wake up from because I couldn’t live like this anymore.
It had been fourteen days since Kenzie’s death, a whole two weeks but I knew it wasn’t true, I wouldn’t accept it. This was a sick joke. Kenzie hadn’t really left me, she was just sleeping and she would wake up, and she’d embrace me, and she’d apologise for scarring me like that and she would apologise for making me think my best friend was gone. Best friends don’t just leave each other, we’d vowed to stay by each other, and she couldn’t just break her promise.
I was standing tall and still in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I was in a plain black dress, one I didn’t even know I owned and my hair was tied into a loose ponytail with a blue ribbon; Kenzie’s favourite colour.
“Maya? Sweetheart are you ready?” Mum called gently, peering through the door. She walked over to me shakily, her eyes puffy, Kenzie had been like her second daughter and Mum had been so tough, knowing that if she broke down I would collapse. She stood behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders, smiling slightly in the reflection. “You’ve been so strong, I’m so proud of you Maya.” She whispered, leaning forward to plant a kiss on the top of my head.
“Why wouldn’t I be strong?” I asked, “There’s nothing to cry about is there?” I asked gently. “She’s just asleep Mum, she’s going to get better soon.” I told her, with a slight smile.
“Oh Maya,” Mum mumbled, pulling me into her chest. “She’s in a better place now, you know that.” She whispered, shushing me, rubbing my back so gently that tears were pricking my eyes. “I know it’s tough Maya, and she was a great girl, but she wouldn’t have wanted you to be upset, you know that. She was always such an energetic, always full of life young woman, and you have to live with those happy memories of her, not how she ended her life.” She told me, squeezing me briefly before holding me out at shoulder’s length.
The tight string, that had been keeping me together for the last two weeks, snapped, just like that and I was sobbing, and screaming, and bawling into my Mum because I was so angry at her for leaving me. I felt so hopeless and lost, and who would I turn to for help now? She’d left with out a trace, no good bye’s nothing, she’d gone, just like that and how could you? How could she just do that to me?
“It’s- it’s-“ I gasped out, “It’s not fair Mum.” I cried.
“It never is Maya, it’s never fair, but this is life and bad things happen to good people.”
“Why couldn’t I have been in her place?” I sobbed, and there were so many tears running down my face that my vision was blurred and I was shaking, because I was so scared, because it suddenly hit me that Kenzie was gone, and that I’d never ever ever see her again, and never was a long time.
“Maya,” Mums voice was sharp and poignant. “Don’t you dare say something like that, ever, again.” She warned me, trying not to cry.
“I just want to see her one last time Mum,” I whispered, “Even if it’s just to say goodbye to her.”
Mum’s eyes softened alongside her tone. “Sweetheart everybody wants to see her one more time, stop crying now, okay?” she stated, wiping away my tears. “We don’t want to be late to the funeral, come on.” She finished softly.
I managed her a nod, wiping away the remaining tearstains with my finger. I took in a shaky breath, Kenzie’s letter clutched in my palm before walking out of my room.
Zane met me at the bottom of the staircase, pulling me into his chest as soon as I set foot on the floor. He was in a black suit, and a white fitted shirt, with a blue tie around his neck. “How have you been holding up?” he whispered, burying his face into my hair.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat, “Alright.” I managed to get out.” You?”
He nodded, “Fine.” But he wasn’t fooling me; his voice was coarse and brittle, like a twig, ready to snap. His eyes were red, dark circles under his eyes and I knew he’d been crying before he got here, but he was holding it together, for me. Knowing that he was the only thing I had left to rely on, and if he broke, so would I.
* * *
Hundreds of pain filled eyes were staring at Zane and me, just about to give our speech. His hand was around my waist for support and I was staring down at the green grass below my feet, I couldn’t look into those broken eyes, I had to stay strong, and deliver the speech in memory of Kenz. Mum and Zane had been right; she would have wanted me to be happy and that was the least I could do.
I opened my mouth, as Zane helped me up onto the slight podium, standing behind me. He squeezed my shoulders for luck, before taking a step backwards to give me my space. Everyone silenced, and I felt my throat constrict. I let out a slight wheezy breath before starting, “I’m Maya Raynes and I just wanted to say a couple of words in memory of my best friend.” I started, taking another shaky breath before glancing down at the paper in my hands.
“You’re doing fine Maya.” Zane whispered reassuring from behind me.
“She was perfect and everyone says that about their best friends, but I mean this from the bottom of my heart, Kenzie was absolutely perfect.” I whispered breathlessly. “She was such a-“ I broke off, clasping my hand over my mouth, turning around quickly so nobody but Zane could see me crying. “I-I can’t do it Zane, I’m not ready to say bye yet.” I was crying again, hiccupping, and I didn’t even know if he understood what I was saying.
“Maya.” Zane mumbled, his voice cracking as he pulled me into a hug. “Just go and have some water, alright?” his eyes pleading.
I shook my head, finally collapsing onto the floor, because Kenzie had been my foundation and without her I was nothing, and I needed her to keep me on my feet. “I miss her so much.” I yelled, looking up into the sky to try and stop my tears from falling, but nothing would stop them.“Why won’t she come back?” I screamed, hot salty tears running down my chees, like acid burning away my face.
A blank emotionless expression swept across his face as realization of everything swept in. I watched the fear rise behind his eyes, like a caged animal and he slumped down against me. Paralyzed like me, by the tragic feeling of isolation, he finally squeezed his eyes shut, letting the tears fall and I should have comforted him, like he’d comforted me, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, I was in too much pain, consumed in grief, trying to overcome the throbbing sensation in my heart.
It seemed like forever, before he finally looked into my eyes, tilting my chin upwards slightly so our gaze locked. “We’ll get through this beautiful.” he pledged, taking my palm into his own.
“I don’t want to get through anything, I just want Kenzie back.” I whispered, as two strong arms hauled me off my feet and off the platform, my head was hanging down in shame because I didn’t want the sympathy looks, because I was such a mess up not even being able to deliver a small speech in memory of my best friend. How pathetic was I?
"I'd like to speak on behalf of Maya." Zane started, looking up at him I quickly stood on my feet in disbelief. He looked down at me smiling, only making me feel like a bigger coward. "Kenzie was an amazing girl, she got along with everyone. She didn't deserve what happened too her, she deserved a much better life then she was given, but that's the funny thing about life it that the people who deserve the best end up getting the worst." His voice broke a little as he looked away to wipe his eyes.
I opened my mouth, finally gaining a little courage. "She always told everyone to fight for what the believed in, no matter what extent you had to go to just fight for it- fight until your last breath." I started; remembering the last lines of the letter she'd left me. Zane smiled softly extending an arm to pull me up, placing my palm into his an eccentric current ran through my body.
"There are only a handful of people who come into your world, and touch your life in such a dramatic fashion. Some of the people are just flickers of light during a long life, while others are a consistent glow for years. For me Kenzie was my consistent glow, she always lit up my day with her energetic personality." he stated, taking my hand into his own he squeezed it while whispering out the final words.
"Kenzie was the kind of girl you could trust with anything, yes we had our share of arguments but it only made our friendship stronger. She was the kind of girl that just brightened up the atmosphere when she walked into a room, I know we'll all miss her horribly bad sense of humour and her cheesy jokes but what I'll miss the most is how when she set her mind to something she'd go to any extent to accomplish it, I've never met somebody so determined in my life." I whispered, Zane pressed his warm lips too my fore head squeezing my hand before he opened his mouth to speak.
"Kenzie's in heaven now, watching down on us all. This isn't the time for us to grieve her death but to celebrate how much of a strong and young independent woman she was. She's never wanted to see any of us cry, so wipe your eyes- her goal in life was too make everyone happy. So right now as we say our final goodbye's, let's think back to the impact she made on us and how she touched our lives. How she always wanted everyone too be happy and stay smiling, that's the least we can do for her right?" He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't manage to get the words out, I rubbed his back letting my own set of tears fall down my face.
"Kenzie will be missed forever, but I know in the right time, I'll meet her again. We’ll all meet her again and like normal she'll keep us smiling. As much as my heart aches right now, I know this isn't the time to shed tears but we should all be thankful that we were given the amazing opportunity to have known a girl named Kenzie." I whispered.
**
Pacing along the corridor, it was Monday morning and I was back in school, with Noah on one side of me, Zane on the other. It didn’t feel right, Kenzie was supposed to be here, cracking one of her corny jokes and we’d all roll our eyes, whacking her with our folders, telling her to shut up, because her joke wasn’t funny, and I missed that.
It had been a week since her funeral, and I hadn’t gathered the courage to come back to school until today. I felt like I needed to get my mind of things for a little bit, I wasn’t going to concentrate in school, but at home all I did was cry endlessly over pictures of her and I needed a break, I needed some fresh air, a new environment, I needed my friends and their support.
“You were amazing up there Maya.” Noah smiled, draping his arm loosely around my shoulders. Things between us hadn’t changed, we were still nothing more, nothing less than friends and I needed him right now, I needed his support and his humor, and his love to keep me going.
The bell rang for the first lesson as I snapped back to reality; we were shoved and pushed around as people rushed past us in an desperate attempt to not be late to their first lesson of the week. I glanced up at Zane, about to ask him where to meet him at lunch, but I shut my mouth when I saw the look on his face. His infamous smirk wasn’t there anymore, that charm, the happiness, nothing. Hope was walking beside him, her hand slipped into the back pocket of his trouser, normally Zane would have flirted with her or messed around, but he looked like a living zombie, just walking straight ahead, no emotion what-so-ever on his face.
Noah stopped walking, and like a chain reaction the rest of us halted too. I froze at the sight, my insides cracking, his shaggy brown hair was covering his face, there was even stubble around his chin, his face was pressed between his knees and he was shaking, every time I sob ripped through his throat.
“Tyler?” I whispered, my voice barely audible.
Something in Zane clicked at the sound of his name, as though a bucket of cold water had been thrown over him and everything inside of him was suddenly awake. His jawbones clenched, blood rushing to his face, his fists tightened into two solid balls but I held him back before he attacked Tyler. Tyler’s presence was the surprise not his appearance, the last time we’d seen him was at the hospital, when Kenzie was still alive, he hadn’t turned up to her funeral and it had been the first trace of him in three weeks.
“Baby,” Hope began, locking her gaze with Zane’s. “Go and talk to him babe.” she whispered, leaning upwards to press her lips against his. If I hadn’t been so overwhelmed seeing Tyler here, I would have looked away or flinched, done something to show my disapproval of their relationship but I was so happy Tyler was in one piece and all right. I couldn’t hold any grudges against him because Kenzie had said in the letter to not blame him.
“I’m going to kill the fucking son of a bit-“ Zane began, but I cut him off grabbing his face and locking our glances, his shoulder’s deflated a little as he looked into my eyes but I pulled away quickly when Hope cleared her throat behind us; reminding me that Zane was her boyfriend and not mine.
“Zane he’s lost everything and after all that cheating and betrayal he loved Kenzie, I know that, we know that, we watched their relationship grow and he’s lost the biggest thing in his life, he doesn’t need to loose you.” I whispered gently. “Go and talk to him,” I begged. “Please?”
Zane let out a shaky breath, taking a step towards Tyler, he hesitated but took another after glancing back at us. I held my breath, as he approached him, his knuckles were white, that’s how hard he was squeezing his fists and I tried to run towards them because I didn’t want Tyler to be hurt but Noah grabbed me, pressing the side of my face to his chest.
Zane eventually composed himself, sliding down against the wall beside Tyler. He shut his eyes briefly, muttering something to himself under his breath before placing his hand on Tyler’s knee. Tyler jumped at the contact, staring in disbelief at Zane.
“I killed her.” Tyler was crying, and I had to look away because he was crying out these low, painful sobs that were ripping through his throat and he looked so tormented and hurt, and he was shaking as he cried and it killed me.
Zane was biting down on his lip, trying not to cry. He was shaking his head, convincing him it wasn’t his fault but Tyler wasn’t buying it.
“I never-“ Tyler gasped out, shaking his head. “I never meant to hurt her man.” He whispered, his head returning back to in between his knees. “I’ve been to the cemetery every day, and I go and sit at her grave, hoping that she’ll talk to me or forgive me-“ he was crying again, “but she hasn’t and she won’t talk to me, she never even said bye to me.”
Zane shook his head, looking up at the ceiling to stop his tears, but they still ran down his face as he wiped them away. He squeezed Tyler’s shoulder, saying something to him, and we were too far away to hear, but Tyler nodded as both boys finally got up on their feet and hugged each other.
I hadn’t even realised I was crying until Noah smiled slightly at me, wiping away my tears with his thumbs.
“I’m the luckiest girl for finding a guy like Zane.” Hope whispered, loud enough for me to catch. My stomach churned, remembering Kenzie’s last wish, my heart falling to the pits of my stomach.
“You are,” I mumbled. “and you have no idea Hope.” I finished, quietly under my breath.
To all those angels in heaven that we've lost R.I.P <3