Writing this chapter killed me.

R.I.P James <3

 

Empty.

Lonely.

Alone.

I was too numb to feel anything; all the colour from my life had vanished and I was living a black and white movie, doing only the essentials, not even aware of when I was doing them.

The energy, the life, my soul had been drained, this was one just one big horrible nightmare, one that I needed to wake up from because I couldn’t live like this anymore.

It had been fourteen days since Kenzie’s death, a whole two weeks but I knew it wasn’t true, I wouldn’t accept it. This was a sick joke. Kenzie hadn’t really left me, she was just sleeping and she would wake up, and she’d embrace me, and she’d apologise for scarring me like that and she would apologise for making me think my best friend was gone. Best friends don’t just leave each other, we’d vowed to stay by each other, and she couldn’t just break her promise.

I was standing tall and still in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I was in a plain black dress, one I didn’t even know I owned and my hair was tied into a loose ponytail with a blue ribbon; Kenzie’s favourite colour.

“Maya? Sweetheart are you ready?” Mum called gently, peering through the door. She walked over to me shakily, her eyes puffy, Kenzie had been like her second daughter and Mum had been so tough, knowing that if she broke down I would collapse. She stood behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders, smiling slightly in the reflection. “You’ve been so strong, I’m so proud of you Maya.” She whispered, leaning forward to plant a kiss on the top of my head.

“Why wouldn’t I be strong?” I asked, “There’s nothing to cry about is there?” I asked gently. “She’s just asleep Mum, she’s going to get better soon.” I told her, with a slight smile.

“Oh Maya,” Mum mumbled, pulling me into her chest. “She’s in a better place now, you know that.” She whispered, shushing me, rubbing my back so gently that tears were pricking my eyes. “I know it’s tough Maya, and she was a great girl, but she wouldn’t have wanted you to be upset, you know that. She was always such an energetic, always full of life young woman, and you have to live with those happy memories of her, not how she ended her life.” She told me, squeezing me briefly before holding me out at shoulder’s length.

The tight string, that had been keeping me together for the last two weeks, snapped, just like that and I was sobbing, and screaming, and bawling into my Mum because I was so angry at her for leaving me. I felt so hopeless and lost, and who would I turn to for help now? She’d left with out a trace, no good bye’s nothing, she’d gone, just like that and how could you? How could she just do that to me?

“It’s- it’s-“ I gasped out, “It’s not fair Mum.” I cried.

“It never is Maya, it’s never fair, but this is life and bad things happen to good people.”

“Why couldn’t I have been in her place?” I sobbed, and there were so many tears running down my face that my vision was blurred and I was shaking, because I was so scared, because it suddenly hit me that Kenzie was gone, and that I’d never ever ever see her again, and never was a long time.

“Maya,” Mums voice was sharp and poignant. “Don’t you dare say something like that, ever, again.” She warned me, trying not to cry.

“I just want to see her one last time Mum,” I whispered, “Even if it’s just to say goodbye to her.”

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