2 AM
-----
Nakapikit ako pero kung anu-anong scientific formula ang nire-recall ko para lang masigurong hindi ako makakatulog. It was hard, especially dahil drowsy yung painkillers na iniinom ko para sa ribs at sa tuhod ko.
Ang bagal din ng patak ng oras. Naniniwala ako sa mga sinabi ni JT pero iba pa rin kapag nakita ko na talagang totoong nasa kwarto ko si Harry.
But I fell asleep. Naalimpungatan na lang ako nang marinig kong umingit ang pinto at may lumakad papasok.
He has light steps. Hindi mamamalayan ng kahit na sino maliban kung naghihintay at nangingilala na gaya ko.
Bumibigat na agad 'yung puso ko, ramdam ko pa lang na lumalapit siya. Hindi ako makalunok kahit na ang sikip na ng lalamunan ko sa sakit.
I missed him. Knowing that he was the one who pulled me out from the car made me missed him more. Imagining how he must have felt when he saw me crashed broke my heart.
Naramdaman kong naupo siya sa bakanteng upuan sa tagiliran ko. I felt his body heat. I smelled his perfume.
Hinaplos niya ang buhok ko. Naramdaman ko ang pagkakabalot ng kamay niya. Then, he took one of my hands and kissed the back of my palm.
"Rest well," he whispered.
Hindi ko na kayang pumikit lang. Kaya nang pakiramdam ko, bibitawan niya ako, ako naman ang kumapit sa kamay niya.
I opened my eyes and met his.
Walang makapagsalita sa'min.
He looked so melancholic in his black coat. Mukha na naman siyang hindi natutulog. May benda sa kamay niya at maging sa braso hanggang siko.
Gaano ba karami ang sugat niya?
"Matulog ka na, Jianna," malumanay na sabi niya.
I bit my lower lip. Ang simple ng sinabi niya pero ang bigat ng tono. His voice almost cracked.
" 'Yan lang ba sasabihin mo sa'kin?" bulong ko sa kanya. "Come closer."
Lumapit siya.
"Why are you here?" I asked.
"I'm..."-lumunok siya-"checking on you."
"What happened to your hand?"
Naglapat nang matiim ang mga labi niya. "It's nothing."
"Are you sure?"
Kumunot ang noo niya. Nagusot ang mukha. He's like that when he's weighing a lie.
"Don't ask," he said gently. Ngumiti siya pero hindi naningkit 'yung mata. "Let go of my hand, Jianna."
"Ayoko," sabi ko sa kanya. "Why should I? Why would I? Why can't I hold it when I want to?"
He gritted his teeth. "Because that hand is a hand that will hurt you."
"This hand is the hand that saved me," sabi ko sa kanya. "This hand is the hand that bled for me. I know, Harry."
Lumunok siya. Nangintab ang mata sa pinipigilang luha.
"It's better if you didn't know about it."
"Why?" I asked him. "Why is it better?"
"Because you would ask. And right now, I can't tell you anything," sabi niya, magkatagis ang bagang. "Right now, everytime I would open my mouth, all I can tell you are apologies. You don't deserve just an apology."
Hindi ko napigilan ang pagpatak ng luha ko. I swallowed. "I love you, Harry."
Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.
"I want to let go of you," sabi ko.
"It's better to let go," he said, trembling. Pero lalong humihigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.
"Paano? Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na tigilan ka na," sabi ko. "Pinipilit ko. Kinukumbinse ko ang sarili kong talikuran ka... bawat araw na magigising ako at bawat gabi na matutulog ako.
"I tried listing reasons not to love you. I tried forcing myself to believe I don't want you. But you're so stubbornly etched into my skin. I cannot resist you.
"If I take two steps away, in the simplest things, you could pull me three times closer.
"You're pushing me away. I'm forcing myself to get away... but I'm still like this to you.
"How am I going to stop, Harry?"
Tumitig siya sa'kin at malungkot na ngumiti.
"You need to rest," he said.
"What about you? What are you going to do?" I asked him.
Lumunok siya at bumuntonghininga. "Makulit ka. Para kang 'yung kakilala ko."
"Who?"
"Troll. Makulit. Hindi marunong pumreno. He thought if he always persists, he would get his heart's desires. But he was broken real good. And the shards of his broken self hurt you," sabi niya. "You shouldn't have gone near him. Kaya ka niya itinataboy palayo. You're going to get hurt... even if you're intention is to nurse him. So, rest, Jianna."
Hindi ko binitiwan ang kamay niya.
He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. "Rest. Makinig ka sa doktor."
"What's going to happen to that man? Na kilala mo?" I asked him.
"He has to sort things out. Once he finds his balance again, I'm sure you're the first person he would try to find. So, don't be afraid to let go. He could find you," bulong niya.
"What if he couldn't sort things out?"
"He would."
"How?"
"Dahil walang what if. There's only one probability for him and he knows it."
"Ano'ng probability?"
" 'Yung probability na sa dami at lawak ng mundo, magkakakilala kayo. That you would have the same favorite food. That you would have the same expressions. That you would sound like him and love like he does. As if to make him remember himself.
" 'Yung probability na sa dami at lawak ng mundo na hindi na niya nakikita o napapansin, nakikita ka pa rin niya at hinahabol ng tingin.
" 'Yung probability na sa dami ng taong hindi niya kayang pakinggan, naririnig ka niya.
" 'Yung probability na sa dami ng taong pinili niyang talikuran, ikaw na bago sa mundo niya, hindi niya kayang mawala nang tuluyan.
" 'Yung probability na sa tuwing umuulan, ang naaalala na niya ay baka kumulog at marinig mo.
" 'Yung probability na kinatatakutan niyang sa bawat taboy niya, mawala ka na talaga. Dahil hindi niya kayang wala ka.
" 'Yung probability na hindi niya maintindihan... kung bakit pagkatapos ng mahabang kamatayan, gusto niyang mabuhay uli para sayo.
"You're the only probability, Jianna. Ang tanga na lang niya kung hindi niya alam 'yun."
Pumikit ako nang mariin at hinayaan ang mga luha ko sa pagpatak. His words freaking hurts. It's sweet and it's bitter and it's annoying, too.
"But he needs to bleed. Alone. You deserve all of him. Not just the parts that remain when Neah died." Bumuntonghininga siya. "So, let go."
Tumitig ako sa kanya habang pumapatak ang luha ko. "Okay."
He gritted his teeth while tears escaped his eyes. "I'll go, too."
"Okay."
Pero hindi namin mabitiwan ang kamay ng isa't isa. Hindi namin maialis ang mata namin sa isa't isa. I'm afraid of the uncertain. Ramdam kong siya rin.
Nagbuga siya ng hangin. He leaned in and kissed me. Magaan lang. Just enough for me to taste the tears and feel the tremble of his lips.
"Rest well," bulong niya.
"Okay," bulong ko pabalik.
Tumuwid siya ng tayo at tumitig sa'kin bago nahihirapang binitiwan ang kamay ko.
He will really go now and I'm afraid that I'm not going to see him again.
"Hey..." tawag niya sa'kin.
Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin.
"I love you, Jianna."
Ilang sandaling tumigil ang paghinga ko bago ako napasinghap ng hangin.
Then, he left. #1226ma / 12062016