(If anyone even reads these I have a question. I don't know much about youtubers, in fact I enjoy the videos and content, but that's about it, im just a casual fan who really enjoys their videos. Im not a super fan who knows everything but I need to ask something for half personal help, and half personal interest. But these past couple of days Ive been going through harder stages of depression and anxiety, to the point where I've not left my room if I'm not forced out of it over the past few days. The question is that, is there any youtubers, whether gamers, vloggers, comedians or something that also go through Depression, Anxiety or have trouble communicating with people, I remember Zoella went through really bad anxiety and panic attacks, but. It's a stupid question I know but just, need to know that there is something that a person can look forward to in life while going through it? Does that make sense, probably not I can't word things correctly. Sorry but I'm writing this one from Harry's POV. I was going to choose Vik but I just think out of everyone, that Harry would be the one to have the most trouble in their life. Sorry.)
Harry's POV
Ethan: "BOG COME ON WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!"
Harry: "I can't I have shit to do."
Ethan: "You have been saying that for a week now and yet not a single video has been uploaded, people have already started to think your dead."
Harry: "I know just, don't come in here."
Vince: "Harry come on mate. Can you please even just come out here and see us?"
My head piped up at the sound of Vince's voice. He and I had been together for a year now, but I had always kept it quiet, i was too scared about what the guys would think, and to be honest, I haven't even mentioned him in any conversations. He never understood why but recently, he's been a lot more loving and just. I love him.
Vince: "Harry you remember what a I said yesterday. I won't have a choice if it means you will try."
Ethan: "Harry was with us yesterday, which raises the question who the fuck even are you. Because I'm pretty sure none of us know you."
Callux: "He's a good friend, leave him be."
Ethan: "What ever, Harry you have five minutes or I'll drag you."
Vince: "Ethan fuck off, He will down in a few minutes."
I heard foot steps before the front door slammed shut, I was currently laying on my bed with the blanket over me, I was a little uncomfortable but I didn't want to inconvenience myself by moving, my shirt rode up my stomach a little bit but I didn't care.
Vince: "Harry he's gone. I'm going to come in ok?"
I didn't want him to. He shouldn't have to come in here and be near me, I wasn't worth his time or effort. He deserve to be outside and having fun, or working on a football video with Simon and Tobi. I know that's what everyone wanted to do now but I couldn't bring myself to do it. There's no real point to it. Or at least at the end of the day there isn't to me. I make videos for a living, I'm not even a normal person. I can't go out and get a new job because I'd be recognized and it would be hard for me to work. I can't stop making videos otherwise I'll be fucked and I'll be kicked out of the SideMen and sent back to my parents. It would give me a roof over my head but it would be hard for me to live a normal life unless an just vanished.
Vince: "Hey Harry."
I looked over at the door to see him standing there watching me, his hair cut short, the brown jacket he loves. His grey pants sitting comfortably on his waist. He was so beautiful, so perfect, and so surreal. I don't deserve it. Maybe he pity's me, and that's why he is still with me. I mean hey it would make sense, or the money. That would make sense as well, I mean I already know I'm not good enough to be with. That's obvious, the money and pity would be able to help put my mind at ease.
Vince: "Do you want me to come with you this time? I know your going to say no, and that I shouldn't bother myself with you. You say this every day, and every day I tell you I don't care. Harry lol."
He moved over and took his shoes off. Slowly crawling into bed next to me, his hand resting gently on my hip as he looked deep into my eyes. He moved closer, allowing me to bury my head in his chest.
Vince: "Listen to me Harry, you have millions of fans, millions of people that would do anything to help you. Your the only SideMen to have never gone to a meet and greet, your the only one to have not gone to events. Your the only one who was always "Sick." I love you Harry like you don't believe. But I think you should go and do this video with them. It will get you outside and in the sun, You can do a video and start editing, or I can help you even and we can try and get back on a high. Even if it's just for a few days. That's all you need to get a few videos out. Enough to keep people happy and stop harassing the boys."
Harry: "The boys get harassed?"
Vince: "Of course they do, they are your best friends according to fans, if something is going on with Harry, they would rather go to the boys instead of finding out if your ok. Or at least that is their way of asking if your ok. Simon said in a video that you had been really sick lately, hoping that would help die it all down but honestly. It just riled them up further. They keep asking if your actually ok, if your dying even. I stalk your twitter and your comments baby. They really do care about you."
Harry: "How could they, you say they care but then what? As soon as I upload a video I know they will tear me apart. Start saying horrible shit to me like they always do."
Vince: "And I'll be here throughout the first few days, you know I only live on the floor below you. I can come by at any time if you need me."
Harry: "But I needed you yesterday and you came. I didn't ask."
Vince: "Because you didn't want to make me worry, I know baby. Freezy actually came down to me and asked me to come by. I practically ran out of there, had freezy not held the door open I'd have forgotten my keys."
Harry: "How do you know, when your ok?"
Vince: "I guess the first step is admitting to yourself that your not normal, that there is something wrong but whether you can put your finger on it, whether you can explain it or whether you can't. You know your ok when you can talk about it, when you can sit down with someone and be open, having someone to talk to can help you. Sometimes not someone close to you, but sometimes it can be a friend of a friend, a cousin or a friends partner. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just, warn them. That your not doing so well. That you don't want sympathy or for them to worry, but honestly. Sometimes, all we need, is someone to listen to us. To hear our thoughts, to smile and nod their heads when we talk about it. I know you don't want to because that's not fair. You won't want to because in your mind, you feel like they are there because you have asked them to, when they could be doing anything else, which I know you would think is much more important than talking to you. But sometimes you need to be selfish, haven't you noticed baby? Some of the most selfless, loving and caring people. Are the ones who have been hurt so deeply, have had the hardest lives, or gone through the toughest shit, to turn them not only into the person they are. But also the caring spirit they have. It's funny how it works, depression is something that can haunt a person for life. It's not something that can just go away, and anxiety is another step. Couple those two and it's horrible. Not wanting to leave the house in fear of annoying people with your own shit, but when you have anxiety, and you actually get scared to be around others. Even if it isn't prolific. If it just happens at random times. It makes it hard doesn't it baby? Harry I know your going to tell me to leave you alone, that I shouldn't worry about you and that your fine. But your not baby, your not fine. And I think admitting that to yourself, telling yourself that yes you may not be ok, but your going to try. That's the key word right now is try, try to get out of bed, try to get out of your room, try and get out of the house, and then try and get in the car to get to the field for the video. We all worry about you baby. But please, I want you to try with me ok? Not try and be a better person, we can't change who you are. But try and make it outside ok? I just want you to try."
(I'm so sorry that's a lot of text.)
I looked up at him and noticed the tears in his eyes as he spoke, more like he just recited a monologue but still. Try, I just have to try right?
Harry: "Vince?"
Vince: "Yeah baby?"
Harry: "Pleas don't let me go?"
Vince: "I promise I won't go anywhere."
I felt him grab my hands gently, lifting them to his lips as he kissed the top of my hands softly. I looked up to see him lean down and kiss my forehead. I'm no where near worth his time, his effort or his money. Not worth a second glance and yet, he stays with me, every day he comes over and says hello. 4 Pm like clockwork everyday for three hours before he goes home and makes himself dinner, sometimes he stays and cooks for everyone but he has to work during the day. But he comes back at 8 for two more hours before going back home. Every day for the past year.
Vince: "Can we try?"
Harry: "Yeah. I want to try. Just don't stop holding my hand, don't stop touching me, I don't care just please don't leave me."
Vince: "Harry I would never leave you, I don't know what I would do if I lost you. It would kill me inside if something happened to you."
Harry: "You promise you won't leave?"
Vince: "I'll never let go."
Harry: "Can I do this?"
Vince: "I'll make you a deal. If you start feeling horrible or like you are panic. Just say something, anything. Ill know and I'll bring you home ok? I know it might seem hard but I promise. If we can try and successfully do 'tis, who knows. Maybe we can ride the high for as long as we can."
Time Skip
Harry: "My phone won't stop."
I rode in the passenger seat beside Vince, my Vince. He was mine and I was his but he was mine. He's beautiful and I love him so much, but I feel wrong right now. I don't like the outside. I don't deserve to be out here. I don't deserve to witness such beauty.
Vince: "I'm here Harry. Your phone won't stop because I told the boys You will be there, they are probably just wondering where you are and who I am. I didn't tell them who I was."
Harry: "Have you met any of the boys before?"
Vince: "Nope, Ethan is the only one and that was not half an hour ago."
Harry: "They aren't going to like me, I know they won't."
Vince: "Do you know that for sure. Do they have any gay friends? I'm sure they will just be happy to see you."
Harry: "Promise?"
Vince: "I promise, I know Vik misses you like crazy."
Vince: "You said you hadn't met them? You just said that."
Vince: "I don't. But that doesn't mean I don't watch their videos. And every time Harry comes up as a topic, Vik get' really sad and stops paying attention."
Harry: "He shouldn't be worrying about me."
Vince: "None of them should."
Harry: "What?"
Vince: "That was your line."
Harry: "Oh."
As we pulled up at the pitch, I started feeling weird. I didn't want to be there so it couldn't have been a good feeling. Like something was making it harder to breathe. Like I was unwelcome, that I wasn't allowed there. I felt reprieve and could breathe properly when Vince put his hand on mine. Making me smile to myself. He got out of the car before coming around to me. Opening my door and putting his hand on my shoulder. I couldn't help but lean into it.
Vince: "Are you ok Baby?"
Harry: "I'm fine. I'm outside, and about to record with the boys, I have to be fine."
I unbuckled myself and got out of the car. Standing there next to Vince kind of made me feel calmer, I'm not sure how but I just felt more relaxed. I heard Simon and a few of the other boys scream out. They must have started a video already.
Vince: "Remember, this is you coming out as well. Ill be holding your hand the entire time."
I felt him lift his hands to my cheek and hold me gently, he leaned in slowly, kissing me softly before his arms dropped around my neck. I couldn't help but lift my hands to rest on his waist. I swear if it was any normal couple. It would be cute. But for me, I'm sure people would turn in disgust. As he pulled away, I felt him slowly retract from me. But he kept his promise. And held my hand, gently squeezing it.
Vince: "Are you ready?"
Harry: "Yeah, I'm ready."
I wasn't going to tell him that I was terrified inside, I was so scared of what they would think. What they would say but I noticed him keeping close. As we started to walk I felt myself starting to panic a little but I was trying to keep it under wraps. If they noticed, if he noticed anything. I can do this? I know I can do this, it's not hard isn't it? Just kick the ball a few times.
Vik: "HARRY!"
I looked up to see Vik running over to me. I don't think I had ever seen anyone move that fast in my life. I couldn't help but feel my legs acting on their own, shuffling backwards. I felt Vince quickly pull me behind him and let go. Taking a step forward and stopping Vik.
Vik: "Who are you?"
I saw Vince lean in and start to whisper something to Vik, his eyes going wide but I got scared. I was alone, and by myself. I can't handle this can I? If I get back to the car I can go home right. That's what he said.
Vince: "Trust me."
I didn't realize Vince was back in front of me. Holding my hand. Stroking the top slowly and gently.
Vik: "Hey Harry, sorry about that. I got excited. You ok?"
Harry: "No, I want to go home."
Vik: "The guys really miss you man, even if w don't get you in any videos. Can you stay with us? Stay with Vince, and watch? Just be here. I know it will make them all feel better. And hey. Don't worry about them being mean with you for being who you are. Ill get you out of here myself if I have to.z"
Harry: "Do you, have?"
Vik: "Jerome, he has this really nice boyfriend called Nicholas. He's really sweet and those two are the happiest I have ever seen them."
(Shameless self plug for my Jerome FanFction.)
Vince: "I won't let go."
Harry: "Ok."
I felt him slowly walking with me, getting closer to the others. Vince. Ace me happy, he made me feel good inside. Like maybe, just maybe, I wasn't completely hopeless or helpless. That maybe I did get to deserve to go outside sometimes.
Ethan: "You again, what the fuck do you want now?"
Vince: "I told you I would bring him down, But I don't think he will be doing any videos today."
I looked up at the Five other boys in front of me, Vik currently standing beside me. Josh looked upset, Simon looked confused, so did JJ and Tobi while Ethan, he just looked angry. I wanted to go away from here. I wanted to walk backwards, back to the car, back home and just crawl into bed and not have to move.
Josh: "It's ok Harry. Just sit down bend the camera ok? We have only just started Simon's video. So we could be a while ok?"
Harry: "Ok."
I nodded my head and sat down behind the camera. JJ tried to step forward but Vik shook his head. Ethan however had other plans, walking up to Vince.
Ethan: "Who the fuck do you think you are? What you think you deserve to be his friend because you got him out of the house, or do you think your going to get in with some of us because you helped our friend?"
Vince: "Ethan I just want to help him. He hasn't been feeling good so I'm just helping him get outside ok?"
Ethan: "There is something else. Something more and I know there is. Come on pretty boy what's your secret huh?"
Vince: "Ethan can you back off please? Your starting to frighten Harry."
Ethan: "Starting to frighten him are you fucking kidding me."
Vik: "Ethan stop."
Ethan: "So your siding with the new guy, typical you can't seem to realize where your priorities lie. Hell you basically palmed us off when Lachlan flew over."
Vik: "I don't get to see him that often so you will forgive me for wanting to be with my friend."
Vince: "Ethan you have a video to do can you please..."
He didn't finish the sentence before I heard m stumble and fall to the ground. He landed on his back so I know Ethan pushed or shoved him.
Vik: "Ethan what the fuck is wrong with you."
Ethan: "Come on New guy you think your tough?"
Vince: "I'm not fighting you Ethan just go do your video or leave."
Ethan: "You don't get a choice."
I stood up from where I was sitting and punched him, square in the cheek and I watched him stagger but keep his footing. Everything stopped. The boys stopped and were watching me and I know Vince and Vik were watching me as well.
Vince: "Harry."
Harry: "Don't. T-touch my boy f-friend again ok?"
I could feel myself shaking but I could feel the tears forming. I felt like shit, I just punched my best friend. Regardless of what he did I shouldn't have punched him, I shouldn't have done anything. I should have just stayed out of it but he. He pushed Vince, or shoved him I don't care. No one touches my boyfriend. I felt someone grab my hand and I flinched. Even turning around to see Vince behind me. Looking at me with tears. I felt my body starting to shake violently. My head started to weigh me down and my body felt like it was about to collapse.
Harry: "Help. Me."
Vince instantly pulled me to him, holding me in his arms wile my body shook with vigor. I was so scared, I'd never done this before and I didn't know what to do or how to enact. My body wouldn't stop and I was terrified of what was going to happen.
Vince: "Shh baby relax, breathe for me yeah? In through your nose and out through your mouth, deep breaths Harry. Please try."
Try. That one word had kick started today. Kick started something different in my life. Ive been alone for so long, whether by myself or with other people, but I guess I was done with being alone. It was time for me to try something different. I don't know how long it will take me but eventually. Ill try and edit the videos I have. Ill try and go outside. And I'll try to be a better friend, a better person, a better boyfriend.
Harry: "I'll try.,
Vince: "Never stop trying baby. I'm here with you every single step we try to take."
(Sorry this one is really long, I started to fall In love with it. I really liked this one because it helped me release some thoughts onto paper. Metaphorically speaking of course. I hope you guys liked it too. Aside from the question at the top, if you guys have one couple you would like me to write about let me know, I'll get around to it. Sorry I missed some last time. Even with two books going I am happy with my progress. Sorry guys but yeah. Thank you.)