Selfish wishes
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Hindi ako makagalaw habang yakap ako ni Harry. I'm too scared to move. I'm too scared to hear him say more. Baka kasi dalawang beses lang akong nagkamali ng dinig at hindi naman talaga ako ang tinatawag niya. Ayokong malaman na hindi naman ako ang iniisip niyang yakap niya.
But he said my name, right? I mean... it's my freaking, effing name!
"Harry, I have to go..." bulong ko.
"Don't..." he pleaded. "Humor me. Stay."
Shit. I'm getting too emotional, I don't know what to do.
"I'm not her... I'm not..." sabi ko. The lump in my throat made it hard for me to speak.
"You're not her. I know. I fcking know. So, why do I miss you?" bulong niya. "How is it possible?"
I heard him grit his teeth.
"It's fcking hard, Jianna. Why do you make it so damn hard?"
Oh my God. He's really talking about me!
Napalunok ako. But it's too late and tears escaped my eyes.
"I only held you once. You only kissed me twice. It shouldn't be enough for you to make it this hard for me to resist you. It shouldn't be enough for me to hurt because of you. It shouldn't be enough to miss you. So, why do I miss you every day?"
Naramdaman ko ang hirap na paghinga niya at ang tensyon sa katawan niya.
"Bakit hinahanap-hanap kita? Bakit gusto kitang laging nakikita? Bakit, Jianna?"
I bit my lip and sobbed.
Fck. Mamamatay na ba 'ko anytime soon kaya ganito ang naririnig ko?
" 'Wag ka nang magsalita, Harry. You won't like it when morning comes..." I reminded him.
Pero sa halip na makinig ay niluwagan niya ang braso niya sa'kin at sinapo ang pisngi ko. Nakatingin siya sa mga mata ko.
"Okay naman ako na wala ka. Bakit kailangan kitang makilala? Bakit ginugulo mo 'ko?" he asked.
I saw his eyes filled with tears, hanggang bumagsak ang mga 'yun.
"Ayokong saktan ka... kaya nakakagalit dahil alam kong nasasaktan na kita. Gusto kong lumayo ka sa'kin... pero kapag hindi kita nakikita, nababaliw ako."
"You're not... making sense right now. Don't scare me..." I begged him. "You're saying things you won't know about in the morning."
Naghinang ang mga mata namin. Pinahid niya ang luha ko.
"Don't cry..."
Umiling ako. Nanginginig ako kahit na hindi naman gano'n kalamig ang silid. "It's just... You're too... I mean, you want me to let go. And what you're saying right now..."
"I told you to let go... but I said that for you."
"Then, what do you really want, Harry?" I asked him.
Umiling siya. "It's selfish..."
"Tell me..."
Pinahid niya ang luha ko. " 'Wag kang magmahal ng iba. 'Wag kang tumingin sa iba. 'Wag kang makipag-usap sa iba. Ako lang ang mahalin mo."
Niyakap niya 'ko uli.
"Ako lang ang mahalin mo, Jianna. Don't look at anyone else."
Pumikit ako nang mariin at huminga nang malalim.
He's crazy. Gosh. Pa'no 'pag hindi na siya lasing? I doubt he will he tell me these things.
"But it felt wrong to ask you... so I couldn't. It felt wrong to feel this way for you... so I shouldn't. I'm trying to be quiet. But you're making it so damn hard. Every fcking time."
Inilayo ako ang sarili ko sa kanya at tinitigan siya sa mukha. I think I understand him a little.
"Okay... Then, be quiet," sabi ko. "It's okay. I won't stop falling for you just because you're quiet."
"No. If there's a way for you to stop feeling for me... even if it will hurt... save yourself," he stressed. "Save yourself."
"I tried but it's not possible, Harry. Stop telling me to stop." Ako naman ang nagpahid ng luha sa mata niya. "Matulog ka na lang."
Bumuntonghininga siya.
"Humor me before going to sleep..."
"What is it?" I asked.
His thumb brushed my cheek, then my lips. And before I could anticipate what he's going to do next, he kissed me.
I instinctively closed my eyes and mimicked the way his lips move. I was kissing fire and alcohol in his mouth—he was burning me deliciously and intoxicatingly, I don't know what to do. Nagusot ko ang shirt niya.
I gasped when he let go of my lips. Sumubsob ako sa kanya dahil sa hiya.
Niyakap niya 'ko.
"You're too damn scary, Jianna."
Panay ang lunok ko. Hindi ako makalma.
"Tulog na," sabi ko sa kanya. "And let me go. I'm going to my room."
"This is your room tonight."
"Harry..."
"You're not going anywhere. Stay in my arms. Let's sleep just like this."
Susubukan ko pa sanang pumalag pero inayos na niya ang comforter na nakapagitan sa amin. Ikinumot niya rin 'yun sa'kin.
"You're going to regret this later..." I whispered in the dark.
"Yeah. I might want to kill myself or die later... but right now, you make me live."
Shit. How to argue?
We stayed like that, in the blurry lights of his room. Nakasubsob ako sa kanya habang yakap niya 'ko. I could hear his heart beating and I know he could hear mine, too. I listened to him fall asleep.
If I let myself be selfish, I will remind him of everything he told me when morning comes. I will force him to face his feelings. But I don't want to see him hurting like this.
So, before Harry wakes up, I sneaked out of his room and transferred to where I supposed to sleep.
I finally have something I can do for him: to be quiet. #0534ma / 11282016