hello new chapter goodbye
warnings: triggering events.
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[Kellin's POV]
As I walked over to my bed, I was still lightly touching my lips. I couldn't get the kiss off my mind, I couldn't get Vic off my mind. His scent, taste, it was all stitched onto my brain. I probably shouldn't get so caught up in this, Vic would never date me. I mean, who in their right mind would date someone disgusting like me?
I lied down on my back and the first thing that popped in my mind was Jesse. As much as I hate to admit it, I missed him so much and he was on my mind constantly. I tried to ignore the feeling I got whenever I thought of him, but I just couldn't. Why would he leave me like that? I mean, I know I'm hard to handle sometimes, but I didn't think I was that bad. He gave up on me, the only person that gave me the tiny sliver of hope that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was.
Why am I even here if everyone hates me? Ronnie and his gang hates me, Vic hates me, hell even my own uncle hates me. And now Jesse hates me too. I want to believe that I will find someone to love me unconditionally, even with all my flaws and scars. I want to believe that I will have my happy ending, but I know I won't. My best friend from Pre K doesn't even want anything to do with me now.
The tears were welling up in my eyes, and they were seconds away from breaking free. They would've too, if it wasn't for Vic who burst through the door with his food. I sat up and looked at him in curiosity.
He must've saw my sadden state, because he spoke up. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Don't worry about it, it's nothing." I told him, brushing it off like it was no big deal. He gave me a worried glance, but didn't press me on it farther. Instead, he started taking out his food items, getting ready to eat them. I'm so glad he didn't make me get something, I don't know what I would've done. There's so many calories and grease, that's the last thing I need.
"I got you some apple packets. Eat up." Vic said as he tossed me 4 apple packets. I looked up from the packets and saw Vic looking back at me. I gave him a faint smile and thanked him, sincerely. He just nodded and smiled back with acceptance.
I would eat one packet tonight, and save the rest for other days. I was actually really thankful that he got me these. Apples are like the only thing I will eat willingly. I wonder why he only got me the apples though. It's like he knew that if he got me a sub and tried to make me eat it, I'd be upset. Has he dealt with anorexia before? I not going to ask him, I'll just eat my apple packet and shut up.
We ate almost the whole time in awkward silence, him on his bed and me on mine. Both of us avoiding eye contact. I can't help but think it was because of our kiss that he was acting so weird. I knew it would happen though, it was too good to be true that he actually liked me back. For now I guess he would just ignore the topic, or me completely. I was on my last apple when he finally spoke up, catching me by surprise.
"Um.. About the kiss." He stared hesitantly.
"What about it?" I asked, trying to not sound too eager, and trying to hide the smirk on my face as well. We both looked at each other and I could see a bit of resent lacing his features before he spoke up.
"I think we should just forget about it." He said, and with that, my face fell. I couldn't act like it hurt me, then he would know I liked him. But man, it hurt a lot. I just got rejected, I knew he wouldn't like me back. I'm me. And no one likes me, not even Jesse.
I finished chewing my last apple before I spoke. "Yeah, okay. Not a problem." I said quickly, but I couldn't help the little hint of attitude in my voice.
"Why are you mad?" He asked, completely clueless to my feelings.
I grabbed my phone off the charger, and threw my wrapper away before I answered him. "Oh I don't know, maybe because you kissed me and then decide we should just forget about it. It's a slap in the face to know that you want to act like it never happened. Especially because it made me think that for one second that there was a chance of someone liking me. I guess it's not your fault though. I'm me, and it's impossible to like me." And with that I stormed out of the room, not giving him a chance to react, and before I said too much.
I ran out of the dorm building, and started heading towards the cliff. Tears of frustration blurred my vision as I was running. I wiped them away furiously and didn't stop running until I got to the entrance of the cliff. I slipped through the crack and sat down on the grass that looked over the ocean.
I let out a little chuckle, along with a few tears I was holding back. I sniffled and wiped them away, frustrated with the fact that I was crying yet once again. "Why me?" I asked to particularly no one in general. But I was surprised when I got an answer back.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I whipped my head around to the familiar voice, it was Vic. I didn't even bother wiping my tears away, I didn't care anymore.
"Why did you follow me here?" I asked accusingly.
"I wanted to make sure you didn't do anything." Vic said as he sat down beside me. I huffed under my breath and looked out the horizon. We sat in a few moments of silence before Vic shattered it with his voice.
"Mike was anorexic too, you know." It took me a moment to remember who Mike was, but when I did, I looked at him too see he was looking where I was moments ago.
"I-"
"Save it." I was interrupted by Vic. "Just know that I'm going to make sure you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner from now on. Even if it is a pack of apples." He explained, and I internally groaned.
"Why?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"Because, you need to eat Kellin." He said.
"Oh act like you care." I said, attitude oozing off my voice.
"I'm not acting." He said, and finally faced to look at me.
"But, why?" I asked once again, in a whisper.
"You're not going to end up like Mike. It's not going to happen. I will do anything and everything in my power to make sure you're okay." Vic said. Hearing all this took me by shock, why did he care so damn much?
"I'm not worth it." I said, trying to convince him to just let me be miserable.
"You are in my eyes." He said, softly. And when he did, I let a tear roll down my cheek I didn't know that was threatening to escape. Vic cupped my cheek, and wiped it away with his thumb, I leaned into his touch. He kept his hand there after the tear was gone and started leaning in. Oh god, he was going to kiss me again. He kept on getting closer and closer, but was interrupted by the ring of his phone. He dropped his hand, moved away and answered his phone. Dammit.
"Hello?" He asked, annoyance clear in his voice. I sat there and watched him as his face changed from annoyed to confusion.
"Hold on." He said, and took the phone away from his ear. "I have to take this, I'm sorry." He apologized.
"Don't worry about it. Just go to the dorm and I'll be there in like 20 minutes." I said to him, hoping he would listen.
He looked at me for a moment longer before deciding. "Okay, see you at the room." He said quickly, and got up from his spot and walked away, returning the phone to his ear in the process.
When he was gone, I looked back to the horizon and observed the pretty colors of the sunset. I liked to come here, especially when the sun was setting. It was relaxing and made me feel better, it gave me an odd calm feeling. But I liked it.
As I sat there admiring the horizon I realized something. I never turned my phone on from when I tried to commit suicide the other day ago. I can't believe I forgot about it for so long, that's definitely a new record.
Took my phone out of my pocket and turned it on, and when I did, I was surprised when I saw I had over 50 missed calls and texts. Most of them from Jesse, the rest from Jack and the others. Immediately I felt sick, what does this mean? Does Jesse actually still care? I called Jesse back and almost right away he answered.
"Kellin! Oh my god, are you okay?" Jesse said in a panicked voice. Just hearing his voice again almost made me break out into tears, I bit my lip and fought them back.
"Um, yeah. I'm fine." I said in a quiet voice.
"Listen to me, I am so so sorry for what I said. You mean everything to me, and I wasn't thinking right when I said those things to you." Jesse said, and that's when I lost it. I never realized how much I actually missed Jesse until now, I would always push it to the back of my mind. But now that he's here, talking to me, apologizing, there's nothing more I want to do than to just go home and be with my ginger friend again.
"N-no don't apologi-ize. I deserved-d it." I said, trying my best to control my sobs, but failing.
"Kellin please don't cry over me, I'm not worth it. I hurt you, and I will never forgive myself for what I've done." Jesse said, clearing sounding guilty. Good, he deserves to feel guilty for all the things he's put me through in the past few days.
"Its fine, I just mi-issed you that's all. I thought you left me forever." I explained. I had my crying under control and I can finally talk right once more, for the most part.
"I will never ever abandon you like that again. I promise." Jesse promised in an assuring voice. I smiled, he always made me feel better.
"Okay, I believe you."
"Good." He said, satisfied with my answer. "So, tell me. What have you been up to these past few days?" He asked me, quickly changing the subject. He did that a lot.
"Um well.. Vic and I kissed today." I said before I could stop myself. I heard some coughing through the phone, and assumed Jesse started choking over what I just said. I rolled my eyes and chuckled.
After a few moments he regained his composure and spoke again. "I'm sorry, you what?" He questioned. I laughed into the phone because of his antics.
"We kissed. You know, lips to lips, nose to nose, body t-"
"Okay I get it, you kissed. But what happened after? Are you guys a thing now?" He cut me off before what I said got too detailed for his liking.
"No, he said that he just wanted to forget it ever happened, so whatever." I said in a bitter tone, but can you blame me?
"Dick." Jesse muttered and I laughed, yet again.
"Don't laugh!" Jesse yelled lightheartedly, and laughed along with me. "I thought my little Kells was finally gonna get some." The ginger teased.
"Oh, shut up you ass!" I playfully scolded, and we both chuckled. We were so funny, I swear. There was a moment of silence before either of us spoke again.
"I want to come up there and visit you." Jesse said suddenly, taking me by surprise.
"You what?" I asked in astonishment.
"You heard me!" He exclaimed. "I want to see my best friend again. It's been like 5 years man!" He exclaimed.
"Uh, it's been like a month." I chuckled into the phone.
"Same difference. But really, would that be okay with you?" He asked.
"What if I come down there instead?" I suggested. One, because I don't want him to meet Vic and tease us about our kiss. Two, I don't know where he would stay, because I don't know if the campus allows visitors. Three, I want to see the other guys as well.
"Are you sure your Uncle would let you?" He asked, concerned. Typical Jesse.
"I'm sure he wouldn't care if I bought my own plane ticket." I explained. But I was only hoping he wouldn't care, I actually have no idea what he would say.
"Kells, you and I both know you don't have the money for a plane ticket here and back." He said. He reminded me of a mom so much sometimes, I swear.
"That's not true! I got a job, and I have long shifts. I get like $500 a week dude." Which is true, when you add the tips and everything together.
"Would your school let you go?" The ginger asked, being curious as per normal.
"I'm sure of my Uncle said it was okay, they wouldn't care." I explained to him.
"Then sure! Find out from your uncle if you're allowed to come down or not, then tell me what's going on." He said, excitement lacing his voice, and I'm sure his face as well.
"Alright, I will." I told him. "But hey, I gotta go. I promised Vic I'd be back in like 20 minutes." I explained to him.
"Ooooh, get some!" Jesse teased, switching to his immature, playful side once more.
"Shut up, you idiot!" I laughed for probably the millionth time during this conversation.
"Yeah, yeah." Jesse brushed me off. "Tell me what your uncles says okay?" He said, getting serious again.
"Okay, I will."
"Alright, I'll talk to you later. Love you bro!" He said, making me smile. To know he still cares about me, makes me so happy. I don't know what I'd do without my red head, and that's the truth.
"Love you too man, bye!" I said, and then hung up.
And with that I got up again and started walking back to the dorm, a huge smile plastered on my face. Things were finally starting to look up once more.
Let's just hope they stay this way.