finally got 1,000 reads bless all nations ily guys ok
warnings: triggering thoughts
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[Kellin's POV]
Never in a million years did I think I would be in the position I was in right now. Vic was sitting on me, holding me down while trying to get himself together. I had no idea what to think at this point, I thought Vic hated me more than anything. Why did he just try to save me, and why is he putting in this much effort into making sure I don't do it?
You see, for the past 20 minutes or so, I've been thrashing and wriggling around, trying to get Vic off of me. He managed to stay put and hold me down while crying steady tears, much like I still am. God knows why he's doing this, I just wish he'd let me go and leave. He doesn't need me, nobody does.
"Just please.. Let me do thi-is." I choked out in a sob. I was so tired of fighting to break free if his hold, and so I just gave up. Falling limp under him with another sob.
"No, you can't do this. Your life is too valuable to throw away like this." Vic reasoned with me. It just made me down right angry, he didn't know me or how I felt at all.
"My life is too valuable?! You're kidding right? Tell me what value me life has, I have no friends, no family, basically no one who cares about me. I-" I was cut off by Vic speaking up again.
"It doesn't matter who cares for you, you should always care for yourself and your wellbeing." This just angered me even more.
"No, shut up. You have no idea how it feels to be like me. I don't think you understand, the one person that actually gave flying fuck about me just gave up on me. I have nothing left to live for anymore, and if you were me, you'd do the same. I can't take anymore, how am I supposed care about myself when no one cares about me?! How do you expect me to keep living like this, in complete and total misery?! I'm not even living anymore, I'm just here. It wouldn't make a difference to you if I was here or not, so why would you make me suffer any longer?" I ranted to him, talking a mile a minute.
I basically just spilled my guts to him, telling him all my reasons for suicide and then some, all this did was make me sob harder. But the thing that really surprised me was he didn't even look phased by what I said, like he's heard it all before. He just stared into my eyes, he stopped crying by now, but they were still watery like they've always been.
"You're right, I don't know how it feels to be like you. But just because you're going through all of this doesn't mean it's not going to get better. I promise you, that things will change for the better sooner or later. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself." He looked away for a split second like he was debating on whether to say something, but looked back at me and continued with a shaky voice. "I know that this might come as a shock to you, but I care. And I'm not letting you leave, you can't." He said as he shed one more tear, his eyes boring into mine.
Seeing Vic so venerable like this scared me, he let his guard down for the first time ever around me. He looked almost as broken as I was, which shocked me. He always had this mask on, never letting his true emotions show. It was so odd to see him like this, but that doesn't make a difference. All this time he's treated me like a piece of shit and all a sudden he cares for me? No, I don't think so. He's lying, and that's not something you lie about.
"Don't act like you care now. All you've been doing since I got here was treating me like you hated me, and now you suddenly care about me?! Don't fucking lie to me!" All of my sorrow and tears was replaced by anger, as I screamed at him and shoved him as hard as I could.
He almost fell off, but he moved down so he was sitting on my thighs to keep me pinned down helplessly. I screamed out in pain from the action.
"Fuck! Get off of me please!" I practically begged him. He moved right away and straddled my hips, looking confused, scared, and concerned all at the same time.
"What's wrong?" He asked in a panicked tone. I didn't have time to worry about his question though, he just opened up most, if not all of my cuts. I needed to get out if there before Vic found out, that's the last thing I need.
"Please just let me go back to the dorm, I promise I won't try and run away. Please?" I bargained with him. I didn't have much time before this blood seeped through my skinny jeans.
"Not until you tell me why you need to go so badly." He said. Why does he have to be so difficult?
"Dammit Vic, just let me go and I'll explain after!" I yelled at him, trying to get my point across. I'm pretty sure I had a look of pure panic lacing my features. I'm sure that I even looked more panicked as Vic looked back to my thighs.
I'm pretty sure the blood seeped through now because his face went pale and he turned around to look at me. Sympathy and maybe even sadness written across his face. Great, just what I need. I don't want him to feel bad for me, I wanted him to leave me alone.
"Oh God, Kellin." Vic gasped as he turned to look at me. He got off of me and took my hand to pull me up, and started to drag me by the wrist.
"Would you let go of me?!" Annoyed that he was literally dragging me and not even letting me walk by myself.
"Not a chance." He said sternly. I could tell he wasn't going to let me go, so I just huffed in defeat and let him drag me. I kept up for the most part, as we took the back ways, avoiding people as best as we could.
When we got to the dorm building, he finally let go of me, and I sprinted up to the dorm and bursted through the door. I don't know how far away Vic was, and I didn't care. All I wanted to do was take a shower, it would make me feel better and calm me down. I needed to be emotionally stable for later because I'm sure Vic would try to talk about all this with me.
As I was about to walk into the bathroom with my clean clothes, Vic came in the room. He wasn't running like I was though, maybe speed walking?
"Before you go in there, give me your box." Vic pretty much demanded. The order caught me off guard, I hope to God he hasn't figure out that's where all my stuff at.
"What? No. Why do you even want it anyways?" I asked, trying not to seem nervous, I didn't want to give myself away.
"Kellin, you and I both know why I want the box. Now go get it, or I will." He threatened. He's infuriating, and just so happened to be pretty clever. I sighed in defeat, walking into the bathroom to put my clothes down and give him my box.
"Here, go set it down and leave it alone. And don't even try to opening it." I said in a serious tone, glaring at him.
With that I turned around into the bathroom and locked the door. I disposed of my bloody pants and my shirt. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I became disgusted with what I saw.
Multiple bruises were still littered all over my torso and chest, which was covered in fat. My hair was a mess and my eyes were puffy, along with the bruise from Chris earlier. Wow, I hate myself. A lot.
I let one stray tear roll down my cheek at the thought of my image, and soon it was multiple tears. I choked out a sob and finally slipped off my underwear, and turned on the water. I was about to get in when I heard Vic.
"Are you okay in there?" He asked. He was either just being nosey, or he genuinely cared. I'm gonna go with he was being nosey.
"Don't worry about it and leave me alone." I shouted at him, my voice shaky and laced with misery. Well, because I was miserable, I was physically and emotionally drained.
He didn't say anything after that, so I took the opportunity to step in the shower, letting the warm water run over my shoulders and relax me.
I took this time to reflect everything that's happened today. I got punched by Chris, Jesse finally gave up on me, I tried to commit suicide, but Vic saved me. The thing that caused all of this was Jesse, he was the one thing that finally pushed me over the edge. I was sort of mad at him for leaving me like he did, but I don't blame him. I'm nothing but a burden and I'm lucky he stuck with me as long as he did. But now that he's gone, I officially have no one to stay here for. I was doing this whole thing for Jesse, but he didn't care anymore. All of these feelings were rushing over me in realization that not even Jesse wanted to know me anymore. We've been friends for as long as I remember, and I just can't believe he actually gave up on me.
I couldn't help it as more and more tears started flowing out of my eyes, I couldn’t control myself. I clenched my chest and closed my eyes, trying to get them to stop, but nothing was working. I felt as if Jess took my heart, and ripped it out of my chest, breaking it. He was the only source of hope I had left, and it was taken away from me.
I melted the floor, curling up into a ball, I was sobbing and started hyperventilating. My whole world was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do about it, I was hopeless. I started choking and gasping for air, I couldn't calm down and the last thing I could remember is Vic banging and shouting through the door.
--
When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was I was in my bed. The next thing I noticed that I had an excruciating headache, and final thing I noticed is I was naked. I sat up quickly, and I realized that I was under my covers, they slipped of my naked chest, but I was quick to pull them back up. My eyes scanned the room and I found Vic sitting at his computer chair watching me, a lot like the first when time I passed out because of Chris.
"Hey." Vic said, soft and genuinely much like he sounded like all day.
"Um.. Hey. What happened?" I questioned. The only thing I could remember was stepping in the shower so I was curious.
Vic looked at me with caution, like he was debating to tell me or not. "You had a panic attack in the shower and so I had to get you out."
This shocked me, and made me mad at the same time. He saw me naked, he saw all my cuts and bruises and everything I hate about myself. "You got me out of the shower?!"
"Woah calm down, if I didn't then you could've drown." He explained, trying to not make me upset even more.
"You could've tried to wake me up or something!" I shot back at him. This whole thing is horrible and I just want a big hole to swallow me up into the ground.
"I did try! I even turned off the hot water so it was all cold, and you still didn't wake up. I was left with no choice but to dry you off, put you into your bed, and wait until you woke up."
"Ugh, why me?" I fell back on the bed with a whine and pulled the blankets over my face. My face was a million shades of red and I didn't want to look at him right now.
"Can you at least leave so I can get dressed?" I questioned under the covers.
"You can't dressed with me in here? It's not like I haven't seen you naked before." He said cheekily, he was enjoying this. Bastard.
I whipped my head up from under the covers and faced him. "That wasn't my choice." I shot back, before I could say anything else he did, interrupting me.
"Oh I'm so sorry, I'll just let you drown in the shower next time." He said, annoyance clear on his face.
"So now you get mad at me? You've been teasing me about this whole thing for the past 10 minutes! Now please go in the bathroom or look away so I can get dressed." I was getting irritated with his games.
He huffed and turned his computer chair around. "No looking until I say so, seriously." He just muttered a 'yeah yeah' in return. I went over to my dresser, and it's safe to say I that's the fastest I've ever gotten dressed.
I went over to sit on my bed again and sat down, this time fully clothed. "Okay, I'm done." I told him, and he turned around the face me again. He had a serious look on his face and he got up, and stared walking towards my bed.
"Can I sit?" He asked, pointing to the edge of my bed.
"Sure."
He sat down at the edge of my bed, I scooted over to give him some more room. "Okay, so I want to talk about today, but first I want to talk about the bruises all over your stomach.”