this so getting such good feedback and im both surprised and happy ok
warnings: self harm and triggering thoughts.
please don't read this chapter if it's going to set you off, remember that you're beautiful and you're worth it. stay strong lovely’s ily.
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[Kellin's POV]
The man had an evil smile on his face, a smile of death.
His rotten teeth, greasy hair, and his steely eyes.
He was surely crazy, he had to be.
I was chained up, my wrists in shackles, my feet free.
I was standing.
It was dark and it smelled of death.
I was clawing to get free, but the man would not have it.
Blood.
That's all I saw when the man ran his knife down my left arm vertically.
More blood.
He ran his knife down my right arm vertically, shredding my skin open.
"Oh god no please!" I shouted.
He was coming for my stomach.
I was a shock.
There was more blood than ever before.
It was everywhere.
"Help m-"
"Kellin wake up dammit!" Someone screamed at me. As I woke up from my nightmare, I finally realized what was happening.
I was sobbing hysterically, I was sweaty and breathing heavily. There was blood all over my arms, clothes, bed, and.. Vic? Vic was the one screaming at me to wake up. He had a bewildered look on his face, and his eyes were terrified. Oh god this isn't happening right now.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Vic shouted again. I flinched away from him. Shouting at me is probably the last thing I wanted. I tried to steady my breathing and calm myself down.
"Calm down, I just had a bad dream." I replied as calmly as I could. I can't believe I didn't take my pills? What was I thinking?!
I have bad dreams when I sleep. I scratch myself and shit every time I have one. That's why I have to take pills. They started happening when my mom and dad died. My doctor says the reason I get them is because my parents died at such a young age, and I'm traumatically scarred for life. If I don't take my pills before I sleep, this is what happens. Great job Kellin.
"Bad dream?! You were screaming at the top of your lungs while you were scratching yourself! I'm surprised someone hasn't come in yet, you sounded like you were being murdered or something! So, it's not 'just a bad dream.'" He yelled.
"I would appreciated if you didn't fucking scream at me right now!" I yelled back at him. I don't know why he would think yelling at someone who just had a nightmare would be the best idea.
"Fine, would you just tell me what the fuck is going on then?" He said more calmly, gritting his teeth. I sighed, I did not want to tell him what was wrong with me, and he would probably just make fun of me.
"I have chronic nightmares, and I have to take pills for them okay? I just forgot to take the pill last night, that's all. Stop flipping out." I told him like it was no big deal, trying to shrug it off.
"Oh.. Um okay. Just don't forget to take them next time." He said, but there was something different in his voice. He seemed sad, but why? It made absolutely no sense. Ugh, he so confusing, I swear he's bipolar or something.
"And I still want you out of here by 7:00 or else." He threatened. There's the old Vic I know all too well. I just rolled my eyes in return.
He turned back around and went to bed, not without changing his shirt because there's blood on it. I couldn't help but glance over, he had a nice body, and it was tanned and muscular. Fuck him for being attractive and an asshole.
I got up, got a new shirt and headed to the bathroom. There was still blood everywhere and I needed to clean up.
By the time I cleaned up my arms, changed my clothes and sheets, and took my pill, it was 4 in the morning. I still had about 3 hours of sleep, I wonder if Vic fell asleep yet. Whatever, I hopped into bed, set my alarm for 6:50 and fell asleep.
--
This time when I woke up, it was because of my alarm blaring. I groaned and reached over to turn it off. I hope it woke Vic up, he doesn't deserve sleep.
I dragged myself out of bed. It doesn't take me much to get ready whenever I don't do anything with my hair. I got up and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and comb my hair. When I was done I threw on a crewneck, skinny jeans, and my TOMs. I was walking out of the door by 6:58, 2 minutes to spare.
I went down the stairs, and when I was passing the entertainment room, there was a guy getting something from the vending machine.
He had brown hair and a couple of tattoos, he also seems pretty tall. I only got a glimpse of him so I only saw the basics. I wonder who he is. Whatever, I walked through the door and out into the campus.
What to do, what to do. A few shops are open already and there were people out roaming around, much like myself. Why people would get up early to walk around is beyond me. I just can't wait until school starts so I can go back to sleep.
I roamed around for a while, I ended up finding my school building and 10 more dorm buildings. Jack and Alex told me yesterday that there's 5 buildings for each grade. Freshmen and sophomore are grouped together, and then the juniors and seniors are grouped together across campus. Hence why there's two groups of 10 dorm buildings.
This place is pretty superior if you ask me. The dorm buildings are nice, the school seems pretty nice, and there's various shops and stores to get food and drinks at. There's also a big, 7 foot concrete wall surrounding the campus. I wonder if people ever sneak out. It doesn't look like it, in the front there's big gates to let cars and visitors in. This place is pretty safe, and I'm glad. The last thing I need is a gunman to sneak in and massacre us all.
As I was walking around some more I noticed there was a little escape way in the wall. Where the two walls were supposed to come together for form a corner, there was a gap. I wonder if people know about this, I mean it's located in a deserted part of campus. Me, being the curious person I am, I decided to go check it out.
After looking around to make sure no one was watching, I walked over to the gap and squeezed through it. It wasn't a very big gap, and because I'm such a fatass I barely got through.
Turns out it was a path leading onto the beach. We were up on higher land, so the path was sketchy and unsafe. It was a big hill down and if you fell, then you could easily roll down the rest of the hill. As funny as that sounds, you would probably break a few bones.
I looked to my left and noticed there was a tree protruding from the grass. It was on a big hill and as I got closer, I found out that it was actually a cliff. I looked over the edge and noticed there was a bunch of rocks at the bottom, so if you fell off the cliff, you would more than likely die.
As terrifying and brutal that is, it also looked over the sunrise and ocean. It was really pretty and calming here. I decided to stay and relax until it was time to go back. It was about 8:00 now, so they might be at school already, I'm not sure. Plus, I don't want to get in a fight with Vic so I think I'll just wait a little bit longer.
As I sat there against the tree admiring the view, I realized that now would be a good time to call Jesse and tell him about everything. I pulled out my phone and dialed his number, he picked up almost instantly.
"Hey Kells! How's everything going so far?" Jesse asked. Being so far away from him made me realize how much I miss him already. It fucking sucked being separated from my friends, all I wanted to do was go back to Michigan to be with them.
"Hey Jess. You should see it here, it's really nice and it's right by the beach and everything. You would love it." I told him as happily as I could. I don't want him to know how glum I am, he already deals enough with my problems.
"That's great, I'm glad you like it. So how are the people there? Do you like your new roommate?" He questioned. He's always so curious, like myself.
"Yeah, the people are nice. I met two guys yesterday and they warned me about the douche bags on campus, they're really cool. Oh, and they're gay too, they're dating each other!" I told him. I felt like a little kid telling their mom how their first day of school was.
I decided not to tell Jesse about Vic unless he pressed on the topic. I don't want him to worry about me.
"Well I'm glad that you're making friends already, just don't forget about us at home." He teased.
"Yeah, if that's even possible. I miss you guys already. It fucking sucks man, I feel so empty without you guys." I informed him. It was the truth too, I depend on them so much.
"Yeah tell me about it, the group isn't the same with you being gone. Maybe you can come back sometime during the summer." Jesse tried to cheer me up. It was no use though. My Uncle would never allow me to come back unless I've graduated. I wouldn't even have anywhere to stay, because I'm sure as hell not staying at my Uncle's.
"Yeah.. Maybe." I told him. I know it's not going to happen, but I don't have the heart to tell him right now. It'd be like telling a little kid they can't have a cookie or something.
For the rest of the time Jesse and I just talked about whatever. It got my mind off of things and made me feel better. I don't know what I would do without him, honestly. He can make me feel better just by the sound of his voice.
When we finally stopped talking it was about 9:15, Vic should be at school by now. I would go to the room and sleep some more, but I'm not tired anymore. So I just decided that I'd go take a shower and apply for the job at Starbucks.
--
When I got back to the room I decided to check my phone. I have a Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook, I barley ever used my Facebook though. After checking Twitter and Tumblr I decided to check my Facebook also.
When I got on I was flooded with messages about how worthless and stupid I was, how I should kill myself, and how no one likes me. This is why I never check my Facebook, because of this shit.
I sit there and look at the messages over and over again, and let the tears fill my eyes, and finally fall. Why do people hate me so much? I don't even know what I did to them, they just hate me.
I decided to unfriend all the people that sent messages to me and go take my shower. I also brought my box. I know Jesse would be disappointed in me, but I really need to let all this anger and frustration out.
I run the shower water, strip down and unlock my box. I take out the shiny piece of metal that I'm addicted to and look at it. I don't know why I find this comforting, I really don't. I step into the shower with tears still streaming down my face and sit down.
With every word I drag the metal across my left thigh, destroying my disgusting skin and making a new cut each time.
Fat.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Faggot.
Freak.
Ugly.
Pathetic.
Weak.
Retarded.
Liar.
Liar is the word that really stuck out to me. I'm lying to Jesse right now, the one person who actually cares. What kind of person am I?
I carve the word into my right thigh, because that's what I am, a liar. Nothing more than a worthless liar that does nothing but fuck things up.
I sit in the shower a little longer and just swallow myself up on self-pity, sobbing quietly to myself. Words can't describe how much I hate myself, I constantly push away and lie to the only person that cares. I'm a horrible person, I deserve the pain and the suffering.
After a little while I get up and wash myself, letting my new cuts sting as soap, body wash, and shampoo get in them. At least they won't get infected now, right?
When I finish up in the shower, I carefully dry myself off, then bandage up my wounds. They usually stop bleeding by the time I'm done, so all I need to do it but wiping alcohol on them and wrap them up. Doesn't take me very long.
I finally get finished and walk out of the bathroom to get dressed. Vic isn't home so I decided I'll just get dressed in the main room. I get dressed, lock up my box, put the key back around my neck, and begin to dry my hair.
It's a long process, honestly. Its very time consuming and I wonder why I do it half the time, I don't know. My hair just looks better when I blow dry it, compared to letting it air dry. I would straighten it, but I don't like it straightened.
After I finish with my hair, I put my hair dryer back on my side of the sink. There's two sinks, and on each side there's 4 drawers for each students. Then there's the two cabinets at the bottom in the middle where the pipes and stuff are, and there's a big wall mirror that looks over the whole thing. It was a nice setup.
It was now 10:30, and so I decided to go apply for the job. I put on the nicest casual clothes I had, and headed out the door.
I really hope I get this job, because if I didn't, I would have to apply elsewhere. And the only place I really wanted to work was Starbucks, because I could get free stuff whenever I want. I'm kind of obsessed with Starbucks, so this is important to me. Don't judge me.
As I made my way across campus and into the Starbucks building, I noticed there was only 3 people here. All of them were workers and they were just hanging around. Two of them were girls, and one of them a guy. I went up to the counter where the guy was standing. I looked at his name tag, his name was Josh. He had more of caramel skin tone, and was pretty tall. About 6'1" maybe?
"Hey man, I wanted to ask you about that help wanted sign out front.." I approached him, as coolly as I could. He seemed like one of the cool guys with a lot of friends, so I wanted to seem as "cool" as I could. Not to mention he was kinda cute, but that was beyond the fact.
"Oh yeah, I can actually interview you right now if you want." Josh offered me. He had really pretty hazel eyes that had a splash of orange in the middle, they were basically mesmerizing.
"Alright, I guess that would work." I told him with a smile. He smiled back, and I noticed he had like legit perfect teeth, much like Vic's. Kellin, your gay is showing. Sorry, sorry, I can't help it.
We walked to a table in the corner and he asked me the basic interview questions, then after 20 minutes the interview was over with. Josh was a pretty cool guy and I could see us being friends and the future if I get this job.
"Alright well, we'll call and let you know if you got the job by the end of the week man. Good luck, I hope you get it. You seem like a pretty chill guy." Josh told me kindly. It was Tuesday now, so I should know by Saturday. I can survive that long with $45, right? All I need to buy is food, and I barley eat food.
"Thank you!" I said back cheerfully as I exited the store. Now what do I do?
For the rest of the day I just lazied around and did nothing. Well, that's a lie, I did unpack more and get more settled in.
I noticed that Vic had a mini-refrigerator. Maybe I should get one when I get more money and stuff. I also noticed that he had band posters up on the wall, much like the ones I hung up on my wall today. We liked the same bands. It was such a shame that he was an ass, because he liked a lot of the same stuff I did.
Maybe he'll loosen up some and act nicer once I'm here a little longer. I would be open to being friends with him in the future, I mean he is my roommate after all. We were bound to get along or at least be civil with each other sooner or later, right?
Or was I just giving myself false hope?