"What?" Hunter asks, his eyes tell me he heard me but his question gives me pause. "Please, can you say it again?" The urgency in his voice makes me sure he heard and my heart skips a beat.
"I... I love you." Barely I manage to hold his gaze. His eyes are locked on mine, searching, accepting.
He smiles and his hand lifts and gently touches my cheek, holding me in place. I finally close my eyes when his thumb brushes back and forth slowly. "I love you too."
"I'm sorry it took me so long to say it, it's just-"
His lips still my words and my head seems fuzzy for a second as I process the kiss, my eyes remain closed. It's like he's breathing for me, calming my heart and stopping my shaking nerves. Hunter moves back ever so slightly, I can still feel the warmth from his lips and I can hear him smile as he breathes.
I open my eyes to see that he has closed his as he rests his forehead against mine. "I would have waited forever to hear those words just once." He opens his eyes and contentedly looks into mine.
I'm stuck, I don't know what to do. I want to laugh, cry, scream, hide. I want everyone to see Hunter as he really is and to tell them he is mine. At the same time I want to stay in this moment forever and block out everything that I know is coming with this commitment, with these 3 little words.
Gordi shifts and both of us are drawn to his sleeping form. Hunter carefully gets up and maneuvers Gordi to sleep laying down and I cover him with a blanket. Hunter follows me as I silently creep into the kitchen, motioning for him to join me at the sink where I remove the final part of Blake's handiwork. I focus on his forehead and Hunter takes my hand as I'm pulling it away, enticing my eyes to look at his. He opens his mouth to say something but instead he turns his attention to the doorway at the small scuffling sound.
"Hunter, I'm sorry." Blake says quietly as I turn to look, she clasps her hands behind her back and her eyes are trained on the floor.
"Well, I'll forgive you as long as you promise not to do it again." He shoots her a serious look that is almost comical, like he's trying to shrug it off but teach a lesson at the same time.
She nods and Hunter kneels down, arms open. With no hesitation she runs into them and lays her head on his shoulder. "Goodnite!" She says as she pulls away.
"Goodnight sweetie." I accept her hug and kiss the top of her head.
"Wuve you."
She waves as she ducks around the corner and as fast as she came she is gone.
"Now..." Hunter gets up and wraps his hands around my waist, "where were we?"
I breathe deep at his fingers running over my lower back as I lean in until I'm in Hunter's embrace. "I honestly have no idea."
He keeps quiet and so do I, just standing there, holding on to each other.
"What made you say it?" He asks abruptly.
"I made me say it. I said I because it's true." I pull back and Hunter grips me tighter as I look into his eyes, "I said it because it's true and I'm not afraid to let you know anymore."
His grin is impish and it makes me hold back a chuckle. "So, you're ready for this, for us?"
"Yes."
-----
In the morning I'm so full of familiar that I am confused by the new. I'm on the couch in Al and Maggie's living room but I'm not alone, Hunter holds onto me as he sleeps on and as I move to look around he mumbles something in his sleep.
Carefully I slip out of reach and stand, stretching. I turn and look at Hunter, carefully brushing a lock of hair away from his eyes, he looks so peaceful, so rested. My hand draws away as he stirs and my heart drums in my ears. My mind floods with memories of the press screaming questions at Hunter, at me, asking about our relationship. I see him being called a 'do-gooder' for taking me in as his charity case. I see him slowly pulling away from me and not being able to stop it.
What am I doing? What right do I have? He deserves so much more than what I am. I need to think this out. I need air. I need to calm down.
I make it to the front porch and grip the railing, flashback already in progress, it's almost like I can feel the tension in my father's hand as he raised the gun and fired.
I stumble to my car and succeed in starting the engine, not even seeing clearly I drive to Dr. Briener's office and wait for her to arrive. Hopefully she has an empty spot or can at least fit me in for 10 minutes or so.
She does a double take as her blue Mercedes slides into her parking spot. I don't blame her, it's been 4 months since I've seen her, since before the kiss, before everything changed.
H- 'Where are you?'
I put the phone in my pocket, hands shaking again.
"Leah?" Dr. Briener asks through the car door.
"Good morning, do you have a minute?" My voice is breathy and anything but calm as I open the door.
"Um, yeah. Go."
I don't even turn, I just clutch the wheel and stare up at her, "I told him I loved him."
"And...?"
"And I'm freaking out."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"Do you love him?"
I wish she would help more than ask questions. "Yes."
"Does he love you?"
"He says so." My brain spins, I know he does... Right?
"Leah?"
"Yeah?" Another car parks and I can see recognition flicker across her face, the real morning appointment is here.
"Let him in. Work on trust, prove it to yourself." She reaches over and squeezes my shoulder before walking away. "If you're still having trouble call me, I'll pencil you in for you're usual spot." She calls and I nod, waving with a still shaky hand.
H- 'Leah, I'm getting worried. Are you okay?'
H- 'Please talk to me.'
H- 'I'm going into the studio, see you tonight? Call me when you get this.'
H- 'P.S. I love you.'
He gives me no reason to doubt him and yet I do. What is wrong with me? His texts, his words show me.
L- 'Sorry, prior engagement I forgot about. Can we talk?'
I drive back to Al and Maggie's and collect my tools and clothes.
H- 'Please, and please don't let it be anything bad.'
L- 'lunch?'
H- 'ok.'
L- 'I love you.'
H- 'I love you too. :)'
I can almost feel the relief flooding through his message. I do love him, I do... But am I what is he best? I need to figure it out. I need to understand, Hunter can provide me that reassurance.
Is it my imagination or do the people stare at me as I sit at stoplights? At the greenhouse I could almost swear someone is taking my picture with their cell phone. No. No no no, this can't be happening, not again.
By lunchtime I'm a wreck, I am sweating and shaking like crazy and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Everyone seems to be staring at me and the sensation of being watched and probed by stranger's eyes is driving me closer to the edge.
Hunter's smiling face turns into worry the second he sees me and I feel guilty, what is wrong with me? "Hi, are you okay?"
I just shake my head and hold back tears. He steps up to me in the middle of the hallway and wraps me in his arms, pulling me close. I can hear his pulse as blood courses through his veins, the warmth of his core and how his fingers press lightly into my back.
"Do you want to take back what you said?" He says quietly into my hair.
"N-no... I'm just... So lost, I'm confused."
"About what?"
"Everything."
"But not that you love me?" His voice gets deep and I press a kiss on his cheek.
"No."
He breaths a sigh of relief. I wish I could stand here forever, held in his embrace, calm in the fact that he keeps me together. But so did Jacob. And he walked out... But he isn't Hunter, but he did love you. No. I fight the memories that threaten to overwhelm me. I've almost beaten it down when there's a commotion.
I tear away from Hunter as his band walks out into the hall, loud, laughing, and rowdy. Without a second of hesitation I bolt down the hall and out of the building. I feel a flash of self hate for letting my fear win.
"Leah!" Hunter's feet thunder after me and in no time he's caught me, spinning me around to face him.
"When Hunter?! When are you going to stop chasing me? When are you going to realize I'm not worth all this?!" I scream, not caring who hears, I need to escape so I struggle and I accidentally scratch Hunter's arm trying to get away. The red marks bring me out of my panic and I look up to apologize only to stop cold.
The tears in his eyes tell me everything but still he searches for the words, "never. I'm never going to stop, because like it or not Leah you are worth it and just because someone else hurt you I'm not going to give up on you."
"I would if it was you." I whisper, looking down.
He sucks in a sharp breath. "I don't believe you."
He's right, I'm lying but if I look at him he will know. The fact is, I do fight for Hunter, every day I fight my own mind and heart to let him in. I couldn't leave him, not if he needs me.
"I'm so sorry. I think I need help." I mumble and he draws my chin up so I look into his eyes.
"Together we'll make it alright." He moves forward, kissing me sweetly and I don't pull back, my arms draw around his waist and slide up his back.
"I would fight for you." I say quietly as he pulls away, the words whispered on his lips.
"I count on it." He winks before a hand slides down my arm and removes it from his back, his fingers lacing with mine. "Now, I believe you need to be reintroduced to some guys who can't stop teasing me about you."
Hunter grins and I know I'm blushing but the shaking has almost stopped and I can easily return his smile. "What kind of teasing?"
"I'll let you find out for yourself." The chuckled reply is enough. I walk with him back into the building, determined to be the best version of myself that I can be. Hunter deserves it, especially after today.
I feel a new calm come over me. Something tells me I'm done with the doubt and the fighting. Something tells me that it's all going to be alright.