The ring was in the top tier of the cake. I am relieved to say the least. Al told me to mail it back to him but I feel like I at least need to do one thing right by him.
As I walk up the steps to the giant house I feel a flashback starting and I fight it back. It now makes sense why Jacob and his mom could keep on living here, his father was taking care of them all along, probably still does.
I knock on the front door and in my mind I see a small, thin girl in cuttoffs and a faded, green tank. Her long hair held back for the most part with a ponytail. And her knees covered in dirt. "Excuse me Mrs. Davis, I was hoping Jacob could come on a bike ride."
The words echo in my head as the door opens and a women with her brown and grey, upswept hair takes me in, eyes growing wide. She wipes her hands on an apron and then I see tears in her deep blue eyes. "Hello Mrs.-"
She grabs me fiercely and hugs me tight. I fight for a breath and put my hands carefully on her back. "Leah, I'm sorry. I just- I wasn't expecting- come in!"
"I- um... Was actually hoping to talk to Jacob."
"Well I'm sorry but he's out, job hunting you know. Please, stay for a bit. I just pulled a pan of lemon bars out of the oven and I need someone who appreciates the finer things." She winks at me and I wince.
"He... Told you... Didn't he?" I step in carefully, ready to leave if she asks.
"Yes, but I have faith in you two." She smiles to herself.
'Not this time.' My brain tells me.
She sets me up at the breakfast nook where Jacob and I used to play, tossing blankets over the table provides a nice little set up for a cave, or a pretend house, or a pirate ship.
I peek under the table and look at the base, right at the top I see the black marks from a permanent marker of long ago. JD+LF- we wrote our initials there the last time we played cave. Jacob dared me to do it, he said it was a promise, that we would stick together no matter what. Now I swallow hard, this house is too full of memories.
"Here we are!" She sets a plate in front of me, then a mug of mint tea with milk and honey follows. I stare up at her, my mind trying to catch up to the present.
"Thank you."
She smiles softly and takes the seat across from me, watching as I take a bite of the flaky crust and tart smoothness of the filling. I moan in appreciation.
"I've missed these!" I take another bite and she smiles widely, I see a trace of the women I once knew shine through, the one untouched by lying and sickness.
"I never did get these as good as yours." I flake off a few crumbs onto the plate with my fork, avoiding her gaze.
"Do you still bake?"
I choke on a bite as the memory of the 3 and a half cakes in my freezer and the whole reason I came today resurfaces. I take a swig of tea quickly and burn my throat but clear my breathing. "Didn't..." I cough and take in another breath. "He brought one home a few days ago."
"So that's where that came from! Leah I'm impressed!"
"He didn't tell you?"
"No, sometimes I swear that boy is just like his father, same sullen temper and all." She mumbles the last part almost to herself.
My heart stops when I hear the front door open. Jacob walks in, calling out to his mom and tossing his lap top bag down carefully by the winding stairs. Then he turns and sees me.
"Hi Jacob." I say, barely above a whisper.
"I'll just leave you two..." His mother passes him on the way out and she kisses him on the cheek. He embraces her but keeps staring at me. I stand and put my hands in my pockets.
"So you're here." He gestures, not seeming to believe it.
"Before you start anything I just came to give this back." I pull the ring out of my pocket and hold it out.
"Keep it." He shrugs and takes a step towards me.
"No really, this is yours. I don't deserve to keep it."
"Are things really over so quickly for us? Are you really giving up after all we've been through?" His eyes look both sad and hard, he can't believe I won't yield.
"They've been over for 3 years, I'm just trying to clean up the mess it left me in."
"Leah love, I'm so-"
"Don't call me that!" My eyes fill and I blink back the pain and try not to focus on my still raw throat.
"It's him isn't it? It's Hunter?"
"Why does it have to be anybody?" I snap back, not bothering to stop a cough that escapes my mouth.
"Because you've always needed someone and I'm not letting you go until I know you've got someone else."
I stare at him. He can't be serious, I look straight into his eyes and see he isn't giving in. I drop the ring on the table. "I'm fine, I can do this by myself. I'm stronger than you give me credit for. Don't be with me because you don't want to leave me alone."
"I didn't mean it like that." He reaches his hand out and encloses my arm in his strong grip. Each hair on his unshaved chin stands out and I'm looking at his sharp jaw to avoid his eyes.
"I'm sorry Jacob. I'll always care about you, worry about you. And I'm overjoyed you are alive. But I'm not the same girl. And you're not the same guy."
I manage to leave this time and I don't cry until I reach the highway. These aren't heartbroken tears though, these are tears of sweet release and unfortunate loss.
I think of where we could be right now. If my parents were alive, if tumors and cancer didn't exist. I wonder who I would be, what I would be. The sound of my phone brings me out of my contemplation and I glance at it briefly to see who's calling. It's Hunter, my heart grows cold. 'you've always needed someone and I'm not letting you go until I know you've got someone else.'
My thumb presses ignore and then it feels like my heart breaks. Instead of turning off to head home I turn instead on the next light. I need to sort some things out, dirt has become that place for me. Everything works and everything has its place.
The greenhouse is quiet and I fight the small amount of panic I still get every time I walk through the door; which is intensified times 100 since its night and dark. I switch on a light and tie on an apron, expecting for my mind to start shutting down at any second, I need to do this, or I at least need to try.
As I begin to cultivate the day lilies though I find the peace I was missing, the dirt smells soft and musty and it's cool refreshing texture brings the calm back into my shaking hands. The thoughts in my head turn from Jacob and Hunter to spores and root rot. Why can't all problems be as easy as the ones that hide in the earth?
Again I hear my phone ring and I wipe my hands off to answer, Hunter won't panic but I can't just ignore him forever.
"Hey Leah, how's it going?" He sounds all too happy and I smile a little on my end.
"I'm doing okay. How are you?"
"Better now. Hey, I was wondering if you and maybe Jacob would like to come to my Opry show next week. I know it's not your thing but maybe if he's there it would be easier."
"I'll um...." I think of Jacob and his pitying eyes. "I'll see."
We talk a little about the every day things before I excuse myself, saying I'm tired and that it's really late so he should get to bed. He doesn't argue, simply wishes me a good night and pleasant dreams and hangs up.
I try to go back to the soil but my thoughts are scrambled again. I don't want to be dependent, I don't want to have to hold onto someone's hand every step of the way. I'm tired of being weak, thinking I'm broken. Maybe I'm ready to stop living in the past, stuck to a person who I can't even tell was me anymore.
Jade is the one who seems to understand me the most tonight. When I get back to my apartment she sits by the door and cries, long, upsetting meowing that I can't ignore. I pick her up and kiss the top of her head. "Stupid cat." I murmur as I pull out my phone.
L- 'Leaving door unlocked tomorrow, please come collect your cat.' I send it before I have time to feel regret or uncertainty.
"Come on girl. Might as well make our last night together a good one." I carry her into the kitchen and start up the giant dome popcorn popper. She loves to watch the kernels jump around. It makes me laugh as she twitches her tail and winds up to pounce on the counter. In some small ways I'm going to miss this annoying and needy cat. But she's just something else left for me so I wouldn't break for good. She deserves better too.