I didn't even realize I was screaming, I throw myself into a sitting position, my head pounds and my throat is sore. The first thing I notice is the lack of noise, the rain has stopped. I don't have my journal to write in and my cell phone is next to my keys... Which are still in the living room.
I hug my knees to my chest and force myself not to cry. Sometimes I get sick of this, being unable to sleep; waking up feeling like I've been hit by a truck; keeping my myself in my own little world so I don't get hurt.
What am I doing here? I throw back the covers and lightly get out of bed. My clothes are still damp but I change into them anyway. It's well past 5 and I tip toe to the living room for my things.
"You're not leaving are you?"
My shoulders tense up as I close my fingers over my phone. I don't know how to answer so I don't.
"So... The screaming, is that normal?"
He heard me, I whirl around and take a deep breath in. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
"No, it's fine, I just don't know how you can get up this early without caffeine."
I look at him, confused. He didn't ask if I was okay, he's not trying to comfort me. "I manage."
"So, are you hungry?"
I'm not. I'm still upset but I nod my head anyway.
"Alright, give me a minute then." He heads in the direction of his room.
"What?"
"Well, unless you want leftovers from last night we've gotta go out for breakfast."
"Oh you don't have to-"
"It's fine, I'm in desperate need of coffee anyway, and I'm all out. Just give me a second to change."
A small laugh escapes my lips. I wait, drumming my short nails against my stuff pant leg. Finally he walks out and grabs his keys and jacket, "my car." He shakes the keys and I don't dispute him.
The drive into town is rather quiet and after a few monies I ask to turn on the radio to break the silence.
"What my company isn't enough?" He jokes.
"What happened with you and Tori?" The question pops out and I regret it the second I hear myself say it.
He shifts uncomfortably and I want to apologize. "It... Got complicated."
"Oh. I'm sorry. It's not my place." I look down at the dashboard.
"No, it's fine, we just didn't want the same things. Plus it just wasn't there."
"What wasn't?"
"Love."
I swallow hard, I never should have asked. It's hard for me to keep my mouth shut. "Love is overrated."
I feel his eye on me after this comment but I pretend I can't tell he's looking at me and I look out the window. The sun is starting to shine out over the landscape and everything takes on an eerie, gold glow.
How many sunrises have I seen in the last 6 and 1/2 years? Before my life fell apart you couldn't get me awake before 9, school was evil for making me get up at 6. Now, I find myself enjoying the coming light. Nightmares are a lot less frightening durning the day.
Again there is silence, Hunter pulls the car into the parking lot of an iHop that I haven't been to before. He takes out his phone as we walk into the restaurant and starts texting as we are seated.
I look at my menu, trying to decide what would be my healthiest choice. Hunter sets his phone down as mine alerts me to a new text. I take it out and look at the screen. A text from... Hunter?" I look up but he's hidden behind a menu.
'H- Why do we always have more to say in text than in person?'
I ponder the question as well as what method of communication I should use to answer. Then the waitress is back for our order and takes our menus.
"I'm sorry, I'm not good with face to face interaction." I tell him as I twist my hands on the table and stare at them.
"Well then, I'll just have to make it my personal mission to help you with that." He smiles and I feel the hear rise in my face. "Until then..." He continues with a playful look in his eyes, "I must teach you why coffee is an important part of the day."
I start to protest as he pours coffee from the pitcher our waitress just left into the two mugs on the table.
"Just humor me." I notice he only pours mine half full. "Now, we make it taste like ice cream." His eyes glint with enthusiasm as he opens every creamer on our table and pours about 7 into mine and 4 into his own. Next comes the packets of sugar. My eyes grow wide as I try to imagine how bitter it is going to taste, I don't doubt for a second that he is going to make me drink it. "There!"
At that moment our food comes and I pretend to forget about the cup of sludge. We thank the lady when she brings the food and Hunter downs half of his cup, staring at me the whole time. I shift around. "Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"Starring at me."
"Fine, then drink it."
I pick up the mug, uncertain. "Here goes nothing." I mumble and take a small swallow. Then I make a face as it interacts with my tastebuds, I wish I could spit the taste out, it's gritty and taste like someone dumped dirt and sugar together and steeped it in water. "Happy?" I ask.
Hunter doubles over laughing.
"Good." My phone sings notifying me of another text and I grab it.
"Anything important?"
I shrug. "Just Maggie, she's confirming that I'm watching the twins tonight." I shoot her a thumbs up text and set my phone back down.
"Oh, what do they have going on?"
"Just date night, every Friday, or Saturday the group gets together unless someone's busy, then they usually go out as a couple."
"And you always watch the kids when they go out?"
"Yeah."
"What if you had a date?"
"Not going to happen."
"Why not?" His retort is quick. I don't like where this conversation is going. I push the scrambled eggs around my plate and try to swallow a bite.
"Leah, you deserve so much m-"
"Can we just drop it?" I cut him off, not looking at him, his eyes are piercing right through me and I don't want to look into them.
"Okay."
I focus on eating and try leave the awkwardness behind. "Um... What do you have going on today?"
"Believe it or not, my day is free."
"Cool. What do you do on your days off?"
"Work."
I almost choke, laughing as I am trying to drink my apple juice. I nearly end up spitting it out. I begin to cough.
"Don't die on me." Hunter gets up and comes around to my booth, patting me on the back.
"I'm fine." I move away.
"What's so funny?" He sits back down and I wipe my eyes, the back of my throat and my nose burn and I'm still catching my breath.
"Nothing... I don't know... You don't really do anything other than music do you?"
"Says you." Hunter smirks, but he looks a little hurt.
"Well, the only times I have seen you it seems like you are either coming from and or going to the studio or a gig."
"What about roller skating?"
"Well..." I look down at my now empty plate. "That was different... That was Tori."
"No it wasn't, that was the band."
"Really?" This time I meet his eyes.
"Yeah."
This seems to open up a conversation closer to what we usually have in text. Random topic to random topic, jumping around without warning. The next time I notice the time it's almost 11, I blink and look at my phone again.
"What are you looking for in a relationship?" Hunter's question catches me completely off guard.
"I'm not."
"See... I don't believe you." He grins and I can't help but blush.
"Whatever. We should get going."
I feel guilty as he drives me back to his house to get my car. If we drove separate I could have left him in peace long before noon.
"You know..." Hunter says as he gets out and walks me to my car. "I would love to show you my studio sometime, it's got a great set up."
"I don't know..." I get in and buckle the seatbelt but he holds onto the open door.
"Just think about it. No pressure." He grins and I start the engine, hinting that I need to close the door. "Leah, I mean it when I say you deserve to be happy."
"I am happy. Why don't you get that?"
"Happy being alone?"
I feel tears prick the back of my eyes, and things were going so well. "Yes." I whisper into the steering column.
"I guess I'll have to work on that with you as well... See you later Leah."
The door is finally closed and he waves as I back down the driveway. The tears don't come until I've lost sight of his house, and boy do they come. I gasp for breath as Hunter's words replay in my head. I am happy, I am.
As I think that I realize how wrong I've been, but after so long in misery is it possible for me to be happy again?