-Estella romano.
{I'm so tired of being the girl that I am
Every good thing has turned into something I dread
And I'm playin' the victim so well in my head
But it's me who's been making the bed}
-olivia rodrigo
I thought this familiar feeling that stayed away would stay away...but it didn't. Was i always gonna feel like this? My hands itched for a release. It itched so bad i started scratching my wrists hoping it would help. But it didn't. Instead i got a mean and nasty rash. Last night was one of the most fun nights I've ever had. Even though we had to sit watching "Pride and prejudice" , that april picked might i add. We also had to get the information that rory and miguel were basically step sibling. Apparently her mom and his dad we're seeing each other.
I didn't care about the movie , i could've easily watched it but it wouldn't have mattered. It was the people. People who didn't look at me like i was dirt under some shoe. I mean. I should've listened to rory when she said i shouldn't go through the comments.
An easy " i won't" should've done the trick. But it didn't. As soon as i got home. That was the first thing i did. The internet was a horrible place. Some we're nice comments. Some were people saying how hard they'd fuck me . Girls and boys. Some were jealous about the fact that zaids hand was directly on my ass . Some we're mean comments...
It shouldn't have made me feel like this right? I've been through it right?
But why did i feel like i wanted to crawl into a hole and never show my face again?
I stayed up all night , reading through 5000 comments. Fucking 5000. Once i started , i couldn't put the phone down.
Who knew the new guy goes for chicks like her.
He probably lost a bet.
She's not even pretty.
That was just the beginning ladies and gentlemen. I even saw Cindy and her minions in the comments , laughing.
By the time i was done , it was the crack of dawn and the sounds of the birds chirping sounded outside . I dreaded going today. But i had to. If i stayed it would mean i was a coward. Which i wasn't. I think?
I know people would look pass zaid and onto me , making me their target. I just hate that its true...
So i have to do what I always do. Get ready to put my acting skills to good use and endure aprils hugs. Although the last one didn't sound so bad.
I got dressed. Fixed my hair and went downstairs. My feet pounded against the stairs creating a loud annoying echo in the house. The sound of my brother humming and ash talking was vibrating in the kitchen.
I mentally groaned at myself , a reminder that my hormones were infact still sky rocket since my period was still present. The pain was there. But dull. I just wanted to come home and sleep my life away.
I walk into the kitchen and just then catch ashley's words "...I don't know how i can make her talk to me..." i clear my throat and both of them jump as their eyes widen.
"You can start by not talking about me , when im in the same house as you" i mutter as i walk in ignoring their stares. I walk straight to the coffee pot and pour me into my "imnotinthemood" cup. I almost moan at the bittertaste on my toungue but i refrain from doing so, instead i look up from my cup while taking another sip.
"That wasn't...we weren't talking anything bad" she argues and i let out a small scoff.
"Shocker"
"Okayyyy , so what would you guys like to have?" My brother interupts the argument that was ready to go down as he points to all the food on the stove "we've got pancakes , waffles , bacon and..." he looks to me "your favorite pancakes and bacon" i roll my eyes at him but i manage to let out a small smile curve at my lips.
"Im not hungry" my sister interupts as she types through her phone. My brother flips another pancake "Seriously? You could need some after throwing your guts out in the bathroom. Watch the liquor next time" he scolds her . And i don't miss how she stiffens as i frown at her.
She can't be right...
Puffy cheeks
Huge clothes
Denying food
Vomiting...
Those are the few symptoms of bulimia. I would know since i searched the many types of eating disorders. It was rather...euphoric. i bite the inside of my cheek. Could ash be really struggling with food? I hate her , but wishing that apon someone is just...tragic.
She clears her throat "Noted" as she goes back to her phone. I look towards my brother but he's too oblivious to the situation as he hums to some sort of drake song as he flips another pancake.
I blow out a puff of air as i throw my ass in the seat horizontally from her. I take a sip of my coffee as i drum my fingers against the table "Word of advice ? not that i care , but a night out after drinking you should eat , you'll pass out before you can bandage a hockey player" i say and that makes her snap her eyes up to me. Suprise evident in her features as shes at a loss for words.
She nods slowly as she looks toward my brother "Why don't you just put them in a doggy bag and i can take them to school?" He salutes her as he does just that. She turns back to me as she gives me a warm smile.
Oh no , no no.
I clear my throat as i avert my gaze from her and onto my coffee. I look at the time . Looks like we've got 20 mintues.
"Hey , gordon ramsay. Might wanna do your thing and hurry up. It almost time to go to school" please take your own time so i can preferably come late so i don't have to do the walk of shame.
"You're getting your knickers in a twist calm down !" He uses his best british expression but fails miserably as he coughs into his elbow.
"Did you just literally quote him?" I say slowly and he waves me off as he throws a heap of pancakes and waffles into a plate.
"Thats alot of food" i state the obvious.
"No shit sherlock , they're not for me. Its for mom and dad" he wipes his hands off with a napkin and i down the rest of my coffee "They're home?"
"Im surprised you didn't hear them. They've been at it whole morning" i shake my head and frown. Whats he talking about?
"What are you sayi-
"Hes saying they've been fucking all morning , and the reason you probably didn't hear is because your room is at the end of the hall " my sister shudders and i almost bring up the coffee i just consumed.
I did not need to know that.
"Thats my que" i sigh as i stand up and my sister and brother follow suit "Wait up!" My brother yells as he meets me at the door.
"Hey uhm , did you guys maybe think i could catch a ride with you? My engine is fucked up" ash comes out of the kitchen and i immediately detect her lie. She probably doesn't wanna drive because she know she'd be imprinted into the car before she can make it to school.
I make a mental note of that. As much as i hate ash. I can't let her die. My brother throws his arm over her shoulder "Sure sorella"
We all get together in the car as i sit infront , ash in the back and my brother in the driver seat.
He grins from ear to ear as he looks between us "This feels so..."
"Nostalgic?" Ash finishes for him as she pops her head out inbetween the two seats.
He nods at her as he pulls out of the driveway. My stomach drops to my ass as i remember where we're on our way to. I bite the inside of my cheek as i seek for any possible escape routes.
Finding out there is none , and i have to walk into that school with all my might as everyone speaks of me. I made my bed now i have to lay in it.
Before i know it , my brother is parking in the parking lot and i let go of a puff of air.
"Shit sis , you get any sleep?" My brother examines my face and i roll my eyes "Piss off" i mutter as i get out of the car. I don't wait up on them as i walk out the parking lot and just them my phone pops up with a notification.
Rory: April and i will be late , will be there later than usual.
I bite my lip in frustration. Seriously? Did my day have to get any worse? I don't respond as i put my phone into my pocket as i prepare for war.
The kids infront don't notice me , they're too busy talking about the latest party or the hockey game. I push my hoodie over my head as i push open the doors of the school.
I scan the halls of people. Which was a bad idea considering everyone is looking at me now. Well not everyone. Majority. I don't miss the digust and envy on everyones face.
My god , you guys can have him if you want.
I suck in a breath of air as i march down to my locker not paying these fuckers any attention. I take what i need and the sudden urge to pee comes. I know i shouldn't have had that coffee. I march down to the bathroom and luckily theres no one in.
I sigh in relief as i walk to one of the stalls and pee. When im done i walk out and to the sink to wash my hands and just then someone walks in . I don't look up from washing my hands but i feel the person coming to stand next to me. I look up for a moment and mentally groan.
Fucking cindy.
She stares straight at me as she applies her red lipstick onto her lip filler lips.
Geez , that must've hurt.
I shake my hands as i turn to her and smile sweetly , just then two of her minions come barging in. Hayley and another girl i have art with. Elizah. Or Something.
They come stand on each side of her and i raise my eyebrow.
Dramatic much?
"Something to say? Or are you just gonna look at me the entire time?" I huff fed up with this shit.
She chuckles dryly "Im just trying to figure out what he sees in you" she examines me from head to toe in disgust.
I wipe my hands off with some toilet paper as i look up at her "Apparently something he doesn't see in you"
"Why you little bitch-" hayley begins but i hold up my hand "Save it , i don't have time for your petty bullshit"
She gasps as she holds a hand to her chest.
Cindy walks forward and i have to look up at her , but i stand my ground as she glares daggers into me. I wasn't gonna let cindy fucking dictate me. Knowing she bought her beauty with daddys money.
A sadistic smile takes over her features "Girls like you don't belong with guys like zaid , don't you know that? For all we know he's using you" she chuckles and i can't help but feel a pang of hurt inside my heart.
"He likes girls like us , carefree. Beautiful..." hayley comes forward as she twirls and i can't help but stand there and say nothing. Because why would i? They're absolutely correct.
"And definitely not overweight" elizah finishes and the baggy clothes im wearing suddenly becomes so tight that i want to crawl outside of them because i feel like im suffering.
I cover my hurt features as i purse my lips "By all means , you can have him. I want nothing to do with zaid" i lie
"Oh honey" cindy pouts and all i can think about is how I'd like to pound her head into the mirror "He was never not mine " she winks and with that i push pass her as i walk out of the bathroom.
Just then i walk into someone , i go to apologize but the familiar scent has me stopping "Ah sweetness , i was just looking for you"
My skin pales as seth drags me down the corrider, i try to wiggle myself free but he's not having it "Not a fucking word. Im already pissed as it is" i decide not to fight as he drags me down an empty corrider and into the storage unit. He closes the door behind us.
Just then i realise how scared i should be to be inside a closet alone with seth. I watch him with panicked eyes as he paces and a humorless laugh falls from his lips making me lightly flinch "When i said , break things off with him . I didn't mean post a fucking picture of you guys getting your cuddling on all over the fucking internet!" He yells and i stagger backward as i hold my hands out infront of me.
"Its not what it looks like-
He invades my space as i suck in a deep breath of air "What it looks like is you not taking my threats seriously. Are you fucking doubting me?" He spits in my face and i push against his chest.
"N-nothing happened. I promise...there is nothing going on between zaid and i" i fight against him as his heavy breaths hit my face.
He rolls his toungue against his teeth making him look more crazed "Oh there better not be , or else..." he raises an eyebrow and i nod as i look down at my feet.
He grips my chin harshly , i know there'll be a bruise by the end of the day with the way he's gripping me . I let out a tiny cry "Do you understand whats to happen?"
"Yes! Please! You're hurting me" i whimper , tears brimming my eyes.
"Aw , don't cry. Good girls get rewards. And if you really end things with this motherfucker. I'll define "rewards" , hm?" He pushes his erection into me making bile rise up in my throat.
"Please , let me go. I won't talk to him anymore" i whisper . My fight or flight leaving my body as i realise this is out of my hands . All i had to do was wait for this to end.
He lets go of my chin as he touches my lips. I watch as disgusting lust clouds his features "I can't wait to claim these"
"I thought no one liked the fat girls" my words were out before i could register them and my heart races.
Do i have a death wish or something.
Instead he chuckles "Don't worry sweetness, once im done with you. You'll look like you belong on the cover of vogue" he takes my silence in and i hope he doesn't take things further.
Instead he opens the door "Go on , sweetness" he gestures for me to leave and i don't think twice as i run out of there like my life dependent on it. I only breathe once im out of his sight.
I touch the throbbing ache at my chin and wince. Fucking asshole.
I ignore the stares the entire time as i walk to my first class. History. Great. One of cindys minions are in this class.
♡♡♡
I've managed to avoid zaid successfully. Although the stares? They haven't simmered down. In each class i went the whispers went on as i drowned myself in music. In english i couldn't avoid him. So i sat right infront . I ignored his confused stare when he came in. Instead i occupied myself to work. It was difficult, but i did it. Thanks to my brother for ditching me , i didn't have a ride . Rory and april? I couldn't even ask them. They were stuck in detention for coming late.
To be honest , id rather be stuck with them there than being in this predicament.
I blow out a puff of air as i stomp my foot on the gravel road. Come and kill me now.
"Hey , you're estella right?" Comes a masculine voice from a few feet away from me. How didn't i notice him? I furrow my eyebrows as i look at him.
Height at 6'2 . Bronzed skin with curly brunette hair . A look of suprise flashes through me as i see that his pupils are a different colour. One blue and the other blue mixed with brown. I only then notice his atire. He's in basketball shorts and sweater with a basketball stuck under his arm.
I decide to be nice , because i don't know what his intentions are "Yes? That's me? Why?"
He flashes me his pearly white teeth "Oh , i just wanted-
"Look if you're here to talk about the photo? Move along. Just because zaid freaking gonzales got to touch my ass , doesn't mean its open for everyone else. Thanks , but im not interested " i dismiss him and the guy actually looks afraid, a bit of amusement there but still afraid.
He frowns as he drags a hand through his hair "Im sorry? But whose zaid? What picture?" My eyes widen in suprise as i face him "So you're not here to ask about the picture , or ask if im available ?" I blurt .
He chuckles "No for the first , as for the second . How about i give you a ride home and we can talk on the way, yeah?" He offers and i hesitate as i bite my lip.
He must see my hesitation as he beckons me on "C'mon , I've been watching you for 15 minutes . The ground has have enough of your...boots?" He tries to find out what kind of shoes im wearing and i can't help but return the humor.
"They're called uggs" i tell him and he nods.
"So about the ride?"
I blow out a breath of air "Fine , but if you kidnap me. I promise you the ground won't be the only one tasting my "boots" okay?" I make airquotes around the word "boots" as he laughs .
He's kinda cute.
Okay he's kinda hot. I follow him to his car . He opens the door for me like a gentlemen and i muttter a quick "thank you" as i get in. He climbs in as he throws his basketball into the backseat. I make sure to give him my address.
He pulls out of the parking lot and i drum my fingers against my thigh. I wouldn't say the atmosphere was awkward. It was nice.
"River"
I snap my head to his voice and i must look completely inside with my mouth ajar. He must see my confused face as he chuckles "River . My name is river"
"Thats not your name . You're lying" i laugh and he gasps dramatically "yes it is! My parents were huge hippies"
"No shit? You don't look...
"Like a hippie?" He finishes for me .
I wince "Sorry-
"No its okay , i get that alot. Besides isn't it best that way?"
He takes a turn and i look between him and the road "What way?"
"That im not predictable. Makes things more interesting, you know?" I watch as his hands flex against the wheel.
They're not the same as zaids.
Zaids fingers are beautifully sculptured. Long thick fingers. With veins in all the right places. The rings he sports and those freaking mouth watering tattoos.
I shake my head as i try to stop thinking about zaid. You have to forget him idiot!
"Yeah..." i agree as a small smile curves my lips.
"Whats the deal with your name? It doesn't sound like its from around here"
I nod "My mother is italian. Which means im basically half? I thought the great hair was a give away?" I flip my hair over my shoulder in a dramatic way , finding it nice conversing with a stranger.
Im asking the wrong freaking questions. I should be finding out how the hell this guy knows me and why do i get along with him so well.
"Straight to the point. Who are you.Why are you being nice to me let alone giving me a ride home?"
He stops at a red light which gives him a chance to face me as he shrugs "Im in your calculus class. You usually won't notice me . I sit right at the back . As for why im being nice to you? I find you interesting. As for the ride? Im a nice person..." he trails off and i raise an eyebrow "Well sometimes."
I slump in my seat , but i still feel his eyes trailing every inch of me. Making me shift in my seat "Look what im saying is. I've been wanting to talk to you. I just...i don't know i never had the confidence. It sounds silly" he shakes his head. The red light turns to green as he drives.
I shake my head "I get it . Besides you don't need to have confidence. You literally are confidence. With those magic eyes , I'd be suprised girls aren't lining up at your doorstep"
He doesn't say anything as he gives me a sideeye and i gasp "They totally are ! Aren't they?"
He sighs "I don't really have what they're looking for. I want something open to everyones eyes" he admits.
I nod and before i know it we're standing infront of my house . I turn to him as i give him a soft smile "Thank you for the ride , i had a really long day" i trail my hands down my face as a long sigh leaves my lips.
"I'd like to hear about that tomorrow? If thats okay? If you're willing to ever talk to me again" he says too quickly and i chuckle as i get out of the car.
"Yes thats okay , river. Thanks again for the ride" i smile at him and he nods as he pulls away. I watch his car drive down the street as i turn around and walk into the quiet house.
The mintue i walk into the kitchen the note on the fridge catches my attention. I walk to it as i read it over.
Had an emergency at work.
Will be late tonight.
Make sure you guys eat :)
Love dad.
I pour myself some water and gulp it down. I'd really like to drown inside my blankets and never leave . So im gonna do just that. I walk up to my room. But something moving in the toilet has my ears perking up. I slowly walk towards the bathroom as i put my ears against it.
If i so much as hear a moan coming from behind the door . Then thats it . That'll be my thirteenth reason.
Just then i heart it. The sound im all too familiar with. I go into panic mode as i realise whose behind the door.
Ash
Shes probably in there throwing her guts away just to keep her figure. I wince as i hear her gagging and throwing up. I decide just there and then. Im going to barge in there. And i do just that.
She scrambles from her place at the toilet and a look of panic takes over her features and she stands up straight. Her features relax as she realizes it just me.
"What the hell are you doing ash?"
She wipes her mouth as she flushes the chain "Nothing" she mutters.
I cross my arms "It didn't look like nothing. It looked like you were spilling your guts out...look i know we haven't gotten along lately. But i won't let you do this...so i have to ask this..."
She nods for me to go on "Are you bulimic?" I whisper and i see her eyes widen as she frowns.
"What?"
"You heard me , you're throwing up , not eating. Bigger clothes and your cheeks-
"You think its because im bulimic?" She asks in disbelief and i nod slowly. She frowns as she grabs my arm and drags me out of the bathroom.
"What are you doing?"
"Shut up" she snaps and drags me inside her room she pushes me onto the bed as she paces infront of me. I roll my lips into my mouth confused at the situation.
"Uh ash-
"Okay how do i put this. Shit ...shit...shit" she mutters to herself. Seeming to have a war with her mind and i lean back on my hands.
She turns to me as she takes a seat in my chair "You asked why i was back? And i said there was nothing , and that I just missed you guys..."
I frown "Yes , i don't see where this is going you're bulimic ash-
"Will you just shut up and listen to me!" She interupts me .
I nod and purse my lips "I did miss you guys. But i came back because i needed...support...okay? I just needed support on this..."
"Ash? Support on what?"
She looks up and i see the tears brimming her eyes. I gulp as i watch her trail her hands down to her huge cardigan. She slowly lifts it up and im at a loss for words. I stare. Seeming to have loss my soul. My voice . Everything. What the actual fuck!
"Im eighteen weeks pregnant with your niece or nephew" she whispers.
♡♡♡
Ahhh guysss so that happened.
Your thoughts on thisssss?
Pleaseee give some feedback
And don't forget to vote!
Happy readinggggg.