Nate
I drove home from work, my mind spiralling in different directions, I didn't know which was on my mind the more, work or my conversation with Spade earlier on.
I don't even know why I didn't call him, it wasn't like I was waiting for him to call me but, I didn't think calling him was okay, he might be busy or maybe not in the mood to talk.
Infact I hadn't really spoken much with him since the last time Matteo walked in on us both in the makeshift office, that experience was still as embarrassing as ever, I remembered the conversation Matteo and I had in the car when he drove me to the site he wanted me to survey.
He asked if I had talked to Spade after our last discussion and I told him yes, I couldn't help but notice the tease in his voice when he talked about seeing proof already.
He didn't really say much on the topic, but I knew he was only doing that so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable around him and I was grateful for that.
I didn't think I wanted to discuss my make out session with the brother of the man I was dating.
The man I was dating, that sounded a bit sweet and left a fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I still had one worry, actually two worries.
One of them being the sudden distance between Spade and I, I'd been to the club since that day but I rarely even had more than 2 seconds with him, he was either in a meeting with his men, or he was going out while I was coming in.
I didn't want to think too much about it but I couldn't just ignore the small insecurity in my head, swirling with doubts and words that was probably making me second guess our whole relationship thing.
I didn't really understand how this whole relationship thing worked but I was sure staying away from each other for this long, especially in the beginning wasn't really ideal.
There was still a lot about Spade I needed to know, and vice versa.
I didn't have any idea the kind of person he was, asides the nice and calm personality he showed me, and let's not forget I'd seen him brutal too.
Don't get me wrong, Spade was soft and gentle whenever he was with me, it was almost as if the ruthless man everyone knew him for had disappeared whenever we were together and I liked it.
But I needed to know more, the things he liked, what we were supposed do in the relationship, I sighed out as I entered into my apartment, dropping my keys on the table, just close to my laptop.
I walked into my bedroom and took off my clothes, I needed to shower, rest a bit and go to the club, hopefully I'd catch a glimpse of Spade, or if I'm lucky we'd spend sometime together.
I wouldn't lie, spending time with Spade was much more relaxing than I'd imagined, I liked spending time with him, even though we've only done that a few times, and all of them ended up in us making out intensely.
My face heat up and my heart skipped a beat when I remembered how we'd been together, for so long I stopped myself from feeling anything for anyone, to the point that I didn't even know if I was capable of feeling that way.
Especially when the voice of that man invaded my head, telling me things that broke my spirit, stopping me from feeling, from letting people in.
He always used to tell me that I would never find someone that would want me, always called me a damaged goods, whenever I tried to be stubborn he'd threaten me, threaten Su and my mom.
I could never talk to anyone about what he did to me, because he said no one would believe me, not even Su, my father would kill me or even throw me out if I ever told him.
I wonder what he would even think now that I was with Spade.
Would he approve of my relationship with Spade, or would he call me disgusting, look at me with pure rage and anger.
I didn't want to think about it at all, because the more I did, the more I lost myself in the thoughts.
I'd been thinking long and hard since Spade and I got together, there was a lot about me that I was seriously thinking about telling him, but I was having second thoughts about it, what would he think of me?
Maybe he'd feel disgusted by me, if he ever found out what that man did to me, he'd never look at me the same way, he'd definitely stop seeing me and probably hate me forever.
I quickly shook my head to rid it of such thoughts, I didn't even know why I was thinking about that now, maybe it was because Spade was kind of distant from me recently.
Not that I'm blaming him, I know the man was a busy person, I didn't expect him to just leave his life and start focusing on me because we were in a relationship, but what if that was what relationship was all about?
God I hated worrying like this, it was all making my head to hurt, I didn't know being in a relationship was this hard, first I had to worry about the intimate stuff, not that Spade and I had done anything serious, asides the kissing and slight touching of my body he did, but still it didn't make it any easy, I really didn't know how to react if he actually wanted to move from just kissing me and doing other stuff, what other stuff? I have no idea.
I'm not totally a novice, of course i know what people do in a relationship that are intimate, like having sex and getting each other off, I went to college and highschool, so I had some classmates of mine who did stuff, with each other and talked about it.
But I didn't know if I was ready to do these things with Spade, I'd never done stuff like that with anyone willingly, and I didn't know if it would feel okay for me to do them with Spade, he hadn't asked yet, but I knew he had needs and it wouldn't take long before he would want to fulfill those needs.
I didn't know how I would react though if he ever asked, after what that man did to me, I couldn't bear to let anyone touch me, physical contact repulsed me, especially when they were sexually intended.
But I noticed that since I met Spade, I had never felt that way around him.
Even when we kissed and he touched me, instead of the repulsion I usually felt with physical touch, instead I found it sweet and pleasurable, and that on it's own was strange for me.
But it still didn't mean I'd be okay if he wanted us to have sex.
Only the thought made me shudder, not out of disgust but of fear because I didn't want to look like a pathetic excuse of a boyfriend in front of him.
I sighed out, what am I even doing, I walked back to the living room after a fresh shower and sat on the couch, I wasn't really hungry and I still had almost an hour before I had to go to the club, so for now I was putting on green sweatpants and white round neck.
So I decided instead of pulling my hair out in uncertainty and questions, Maybe researching would do me a lot of good, thank God for the internet.
I quickly opened my laptop and entered Google before typing in what I wanted to see, waiting for the page to load, my mind once again went on a thinking spree, everything that had been happening since I met Spade had been nothing but confusing, but not in a bad way, in a more curious way, it made me want to question a lot of things, and find answers to a lot of things.
First the man had wanted to marry my sister, then he started showing up in every corner of my life, always threatening to kill me, and the way he said it, almost as if he would enjoy every second of it, and back then it always got to me, it made me scared, very fucking scared.
Then after my sister left he started changing towards me, caring for me, showing me a side of him I didn't think existed, and then he asked me to work for him to which I agreed and then the whole kiss thing happened.
At first I thought he'd tell me off, call me disgusting for kissing him, I was afraid he'd even call my father and tell him how much of disappointment I was, but then he kissed me too, which was even more confusing.
And now we're dating, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment, it still stands that he asked me to be with him, well he didn't exactly asked, but he agreed when I asked him if we were dating, and he made me call him my boyfriend, which suddenly made my stomach to do a sweet flip as I smiled silently to myself.
I realized the page I searched had loaded already, I looked closely at it and saw a few articles pop up, most of them showing list of things people did I relationship.
I read through a few lines, most of the things were quite easy, like calling each other often, creating time for the one you are involved with, spending time together.
They all led back to one thing, communication, knowing what the other person wanted
I didn't even know what kind of things Spade wanted or liked.
Most times we'd been together he did all the talking while I just watched.
He even initiated all the kisses and romance, I only reciprocated what he did and followed his lead.
I didn't think I was bold enough to initiate anything with him yet, I didn't even know what to do if I wanted to.
That day in my apartment when I touched his nipple and he reacted, was just by accident, I didn't even know what I was doing when I touched him there.
I think reading about relationships wasn't even helping me, it was making me think more and get more confused, I sighed out running my hands down my face.
I was about to click on another page out of the what I searched when I heard a knock on my door.
I looked towards it, I wasn't expecting anyone today, I mean not that I ever expected anyone at my apartments, I didn't have any friends, well except for Matteo, whom I didn't think regarded me as a friend, but we were close and I'd shared some personal things with him.
I slowly got up and dropped the laptop back on the table before walking towards the door, I peeped but didn't see anything, I sighed out, maybe it was just security, or someone who got the apartment number wrong
I slowly opened the locked door and there stood Spade, he was putting on a a light grey round neck sweatshirt, and a dark grey slacks, white converse, his hair was still looking a bit ruffled like he didn't style it today, which was so unlike Spade as I looked him up, I couldn't help but feel my heart beat wildly, I didn't expect to see him here and not as breathtaking as he looked
I suddenly felt my throat dry up, at a loss for words I just stared at him, his lips pulls up in a smile as his grey eyes lit up
"Hey" he whispered, I swallowed suddenly realizing I had to say something, instead of moping like a dumb fuck.
"Hi" I whispered back, before I stepped aside for him to walk in, I didn't say anything again as I watched him enter, then I closed the door shut, suddenly feeling conscious of what I was putting on, I looked homeless in my grey sweatpants and tank top, while Spade looked like a hot chocolate topping on a sweat creamy ice cream.
He looked like sweet desert, while I looked like a dog's left over lasagna.
I groaned out mentally, wishing he had called me before he came to my place, maybe I would have tried to look more presentable than I did now.
I turned around to face him and I caught him staring at me as he took steps closer to me, I was wondering what he wanted to do, but I didn't move a bit, maybe because I didn't think he would get so close to me that the scent of his cologne would hit my nose like a hurricane, making me want to pass out, not because the cologne was bad, but because it was so intoxicating I couldn't keep a clear head.
I didn't even realize he was standing in front of me until he pulled me closer to him by my shirt and he placed his lips tenderly on mine, making my eyes to grow wide a bit in shock, my body tensed up under his touch as I felt his other hand wrap around my waist.
I didn't know I had to do that everytime we met.
I really had a lot to learn, I slowly moved my lips against his, feeling the softness and semi hard edges of his lips.
I closed my eyes as the feeling drowned my completely.
Fuck, I didn't know how much I'd missed that until now.
Awwww 😊😊
I so love Nate and Spade's dynamic