"He woke up the morning after and he denied remembering everything that happened, including the kiss" Spade muttered out, feeling how sad and dejected his own voice came out
"Okay, but what if he actually doesn't remember"? Matteo asked and Spade shook his head
"That's impossible, he does remember, because after that day, he started avoiding me, spending all his time at the club with Bernie" he muttered the last part out with anger, as if it was Bernie's fault that Nate was avoiding him
"Okay" Matteo muttered, he could see how much talking about this was affecting Spade, which meant the actual incident did more than affect him, he'd never seem him like this
"Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe telling him how you feel about it? Maybe he avoided you because he thought you regretted it?
Spade shook his head
"You don't get it, I did try to talk to him, countless times, but he kept pushing me away, doing everything possible to ensure I wasn't close to him" Spade muttered "so three days ago, I decided to go talk to him at the office I gave him in the club"
"Okay, how did that go"? Matteo asked with genuine concern, he knew talking about his feelings like this was really hard for Spade
He sighed out and ran his hand down his face, pulling it at the base of his beards
"Apparently he was with Bernie again" Spade gritted out, almost making Matteo to smile, he could hear the jealousy in Spade's voice, something he'd never heard from the man before
"And when I tried asking him about the night, he said he didn't remember what happened and he didn't wanna talk about it, whatever that means"
"Okay..." Matteo drawled out seeing the hesitation in Spade's voice and face, the man clenched his jaw again
"And then I kissed him again, I couldn't stop myself, I just.." he paused when he realized he was losing himself and rambling too much.
He let out a deep breath, giving himself time to compose himself before talking
"So what happened"? Matteo asked seeing the difficulty in Spade's eyes, the man looked at him and then at the empty space in front again
"Spade, what happened after you kissed him"?
He clenched his jaw, not wanting to repeat what had happened, the memory alone was eating at him, was biting him inside, he let out a deep breath "he walked away from me, said he couldn't do it" Spade muttered, balling his fists on the counter top.
Matteo let out a deep breath, he didn't even know what to say to this, there was really nothing for him to say, he wasn't a relationship expert, infact he had zero experience in relationships or feelings
"And since then he's been avoiding me again, and this time it's worse than before the whole office kiss, he doesn't even show up to the club anymore and I can't go to his office or apartment" he added quickly "it's like he doesn't even wanna be around me"
"Spade, I'm not really good with things like this and you know, but I don't think he's running away from you" Spade quickly turned to look at him, his eyes holding an array of hope as he stared at the blonde
"I think he just need a little space and time to figure it out"
"You think so"? Spade asked
"I'm not sure but I think he's overwhelmed, hell if a handsome, attractive and sexy man like you kissed me twice, I would totally lose my mind and run away for month" he tried to joke, seeing the worry lines on Spade's forehead to reduce, he smiled and put his hand on Spade's shoulders, giving it a light squeeze "he'll come around, don't think about it too much, if he likes you as much as you like him, he'll come around, just give him time"
Spade looked at him for a few seconds before he sighed out and nodded.
He really didn't like the fact that he was dumping so much of his own personal problems on Matteo, the blonde had been the one taking most of the workload since they started having problems with mystery man, and now he was adding Spade's problem to it.
"I should get going, I have work tomorrow" he said getting up, Matteo just nodded before he followed him towards the living room.
Spade stopped and turned around facing Matteo
"About what Stefano asked" he paused seeing the way Matteo's calm face had shifted to a tense face "are you sure you're gonna be okay? We can find a way around it if you don't feel comfortable with it" Spade muttered softly.
Matteo just clenched his jaw before he sighed out and nodded
"It's fine Spade, he's not that tough" he muttered "at least not as tough as you" he joked and Spade just rolled his eyes at the blonde before he walked towards the door, making sure to have what they just discussed in mind.
****
Nate was beginning to ask himself why he had brought work home, because he couldn't even concentrate on what he was doing.
The words kept morphing into each other, even the screen that had the final design for the project he'd been working on had suddenly started changing itself.
He groaned out and rubbed his temple with his two fingers, his mind kept swaying every now and then to what had happened in Spade's club five days ago, it kept replaying in his mind like a movie that didn't have a stop and had been placed on loop mode.
Everything from the first time he kissed Spade were haunting his every thought, he cussed at himself for getting drunk that night.
Not that he was blaming the kiss on the drinks he had, that would mean he regretted it but he didn't.
Even the second kiss he shared with Spade, he didn't regret that either, he liked it just as much as he liked the first one, the way Spade's lips felt on his, the sweet and gentle way in which the man had kissed his lips, moved and caressed every part of his mouth, as if he was making love to his mouth, he couldn't stop thinking about it, and Everytime he did, he'd feel his heart beat fast and loud, he'd feel his crotch area stiffen with desire, his whole stomach would flutter with sweetness and want.
Even now that he was reminiscing about it, he could feel the fluttery feeling in the pit of his stomach, making everything suddenly feel sweet.
And the long of it was the fact that unlike the first time, he was much sober, and he remembered everything that happened, every way in which Spade's tongue swept his mouth, made him want to make funny sounds.
He shut his eyes and looked away from the computer screen.
He couldn't understand for the life of him why Spade had kissed him again, scratch that, he knew why Spade had kissed him again but he couldn't understand why, the man could have anyone he wanted but why him.
'because you're easy and gullible' he heard the soft whisper of his insecurity in the deep ends of his mind.
He shook his head trying to swat away the voice like it was a fly but it was easier said than done.
'you think he likes you? He cares about you? Pfft' the voice sneered, almost as if he could see the expression of his own insecurities
'he just wants you for your body, that's what they all want' the voice reminded him.
He shook his head, placing the laptop on the table, he didn't want to listen to that dang voice but it was a part of him, and he'd been hearing the voice since that day at the club with Spade.
And it had been saying the same thing to him over and over again
But he didn't want to believe the voice was saying the truth.
'you know I never lie to you Nate' the voice said again.
He clenched his jaw and tried to block it, but it only got louder
'you think he's going to care about you when he finds out how tainted and damaged you are' the voice taunted, this time Nate couldn't control himself as he shook his head violently
"Shut up" he snapped, almost as if the voice was standing just in front of him
"Shut up"
'he only wants you now because he doesn't know what's beneath, you're damaged goods Nate' the voice whispered, his voice sounding as if it had a lopsided grin on
'he has tainted you for anyone you'll ever meet, no one will accept you, you're just a chew toy that anyone can use'
He groaned out as he shut his ears with his palms, shaking his head, he could feel his breathing slowing down and his whole body sweating profusely
"Stop" he whispered
'no one wants a pathetic garbage'
"Shut up" he muttered feeling his sanity leave him, he was breathing hard, trying to shut the voice out, but the more he tried, the harder it became and now all he could see were memories, memories from a time he didn't want to remember and the voice of someone he wished would die a very horrible death, someone that took everything away from him
He suddenly heard the knock on the door, his mind suddenly shutting off all the voices he'd been hearing.
He looked up, searching the room to see if the imaginary voice was still there but he heard nothing, then he looked at the door, silently thanking whoever was there because they saved him from an imminent panic attack.
With his previous discussion with Spade in mind, Matteo stood in front of Nate's apartment door and knocked on the door, his mind already prepping him for what he would say.
He had never really been good with making small talks and getting through to people, that has always been Spade's specialty.
He was still pondering when the door clicked open and Nate stood on the other side, he was putting on a light blue buttoned up short, folded up stopping just halfway through his lower arm, his whole appearance looked disheveled, his brown curls scattered around his face, some even almost going into his eyes.
Matteo could tell he got off work not very long, since he was still putting on his work clothes.
"Hi" Nate whispered
"Hey" Matteo muttered "can I come in"? He asked and Nate just stepped aside for him, holding the door open for him.
"Sure"
Matteo walked into the apartment, it had almost been a while since he'd been here, ever since Nate started working for Spade, he didn't really come to his apartment to chill with him because he always saw the young man at the club on a daily basis.
"Sit" Nate offered after shutting the door and walking towards where Matteo stood close to the couch, there were a few papers on the table and Nate's laptop was open, an indication he was working before Matteo came in.
Nate was trying his best to hide the sweat and the way his heart had been racing before Matteo came, seeing the blonde had somehow brought his mind to a certain state of ease, there was just something about Matteo that always made him feel safe, it wasn't like Spade kind of safe, but more deeper, not that he liked Matteo, but Matteo had this protective motherly aura around him whenever Nate was with him, or maybe Nate was just imagining things and Matteo didn't have any of that around him.
"What can I get you"? Nate asked with a heavy sigh, finally finding his voice so it didn't come out as a whisper or a croaky sound.
The blonde just shook his head, letting a few strands of hair fall on his face, covering his eyes a bit
"Nothing, I'm good" he muttered "I came to check on you, it's been a while I saw you at the club" Matteo added, he felt suddenly aware of the fact that he'd been running away from the club, forgetting that asides Spade there were still people there that would notice his absence.
He cleared his throat and nodded slowly
"Yeah, I uhm... I kind of have a lot going on for me this past week" he muttered, trying to make the lie sound believable, because even though it was a lie, it wasn't a complete lie, he'd been busy with closing up the hotel project, the same one Spade had given to him.
But he could do that and still go to the club, he had enough time on his hands.
He perched himself on the couch, leaving a little space between Matteo and him, smelling the scent of Matteo's cologne, amazing pine fruits.
Matteo stared at him for a while,seeing the way Nate's eyes darted around the room and the way he kept fiddling with his fingers and avoiding eye contact with Matteo.
"Nate" Matteo called softly making Nate to look at him, his brown eyes shimmering with innocence and gentleness.
"I know we're not exactly best of buddies, but I'd like to believe that we've come a long way from when we just met to be considered friends" he muttered gently "if there's any other reason why you've been absent from the club, you don't have to lie to me about it, I'm not saying you should tell me everything happening in your life, but I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here" he said softly, Nate just blinked, feeling his words sink into the deepest parts of his heart, warming the organ and everything inside of him.
He could see the warmth in Matteo's blue eyes, they were nothing like Spade's beautiful grey eyes, but they held a promise in them, a promise of a safe place, someone he could confide in.
He let out a deep breath before looked away from Matteo.
They both sat in silence for a while before Nate decided to speak up.
Okay, I like how sift Matteo is with Nate 😁😁
But sorry guys, there's nothing romantic happening between them 😜😜