The entire ride to the police station, Colby kept his hand on my thigh, gently rubbing his thumb back and forth on the outside of it. This action kept me from completely going unhinged. My nerves were buzzing, making my body tremble with anxiety. I didn't want to do this.
I didn't want to go through with putting a restraining order against Will. I didn't want it to come to this. I always hoped that we could both just get on with our lives. I remembered the sweet times that we had, like when he would hold me when I was sick. Or, when we snuggled together on the couch to watch a scary movie.
Then, I remembered the arguments that would soon follow, or the way I wasn't really happy in those moments. I remembered the way I had to walk on egg shells, just so I wouldn't trigger another argument. I trained myself to bury who I really was to make him happy.
Hell, I never even got to figure out who I was. I still didn't know, and we had been broken up for years now. I was still the person that he made me into, instead of who I could've been, who I wanted to be.
I remembered that he had threatened my family. When we pulled into the parking lot, my hands were steady, when I opened the door. This had to happen. I didn't know if it would do any good at all, since Will was never one to follow the rules, but it was the first step.
"You okay?" Colby murmured, as he took my hand in his. I looked up and met his gaze. Concern was there, in his eyes, as he furrowed his brow. I nodded and gave him a small smile. "Yeah, I'm okay. This has to happen. It needs to happen. Thank you for coming with me," I replied, as I leaned up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his.
He cupped my face in his palm and returned the kiss, soft and sweet. "Anything for you, Pretty Girl," he whispered, when we broke apart. "I love you." I sighed and let his words wash over me. Instead of the instant regret that I would feel when Will said those three little words to me, I felt at peace. I felt like this was right.
"I love you, Colby," I whispered back. I didn't think that I would ever say those words to anyone in a romantic way again. I didn't think it was possible to love someone, with all of my trust issues and the fucking trauma that I still had to deal with. Trauma that I would probably always have to deal with. Colby broke through those walls without me even realizing it. With him, it was like they were never even there.
We made our way into the old brick building and stopped at the little sliding glass window. The walls were a dingy gray, with the occasional white mark, where the pain had been scraped off. There were white hard plastic chairs lined against one wall. You know, the kind that was curved and really fucking uncomfortable. The infamous kitty hanging from the rope poster was on the other wall, across from the chairs. Along with a few framed pictures and newspaper clippings.
There was an officer sitting behind the sliding glass window, talking on the phone. He was young, probably younger than Colby and I, with a military style haircut to his blonde hair. His features were chiseled, and his uniform strained against his shoulders. Either he worked out a lot, or they had given him a uniform that was too small. The little gold pin over his heart had the name "E. Carter" on it.
These were the little details that my mind took in, as we waited for him to acknowledge us. If it took too much longer, I was going back to the car. I had missed a few days on taking my anxiety meds, so things were really starting to get to me worse than before.
Just as I started to take a step back towards the door, E. Carter hung up the phone. "Hi, how can I help you?" he asked, sending me a smile, then looking back at Colby. I took a deep breath, then stuttered when it got stuck in my throat. Was I even going to be able to tell him what I needed?
"You got this," Colby murmured, tightening his grip on my hand. I glanced at him, taking his smile as encouragement, and nodded. "I need to file a restraining order," I said, looking the officer in the eye. "Okay, we'll need you to come back to another room, so that we can get all of the information that we need. Is that okay?" E. Carter asked.
I nodded and held onto Colby's hand for dear life. "If he can come with me," I replied, hearing how scratchy my voice sounded. It felt like there wasn't a drop of saliva left in my mouth or throat. "If that's what you want, it's fine with us," Carter replied. "Can we get a bottle of water or something?" Colby asked. I looked over at him, and noticed that he was watching me, not the officer. He knew that I was about to freak out.
"Yes, I'm sure we have a few to spare. Listen for the click and open the door to your right. Come on back. I'm meet you in the hallway," Carter said, nodding his head. Colby and I walked over to the door and waited for the click. When we heard it, he grabbed the handle and pulled it open, letting me walk inside first.
When the door loudly slammed shut behind us, I jumped. My nerves were really on edge. I tried to keep my breaths slow and deep, so that I could hopefully fight off the panic attack that was threatening to come over me. I could feel it, deep inside, clawing to get out.
A panic attack was the last thing I needed. I really needed to pay more attention to taking my meds correctly. Everything had just been so crazy lately...
Colby let go of my hand, which had my panicky eyes looking up at him. He gave me a soft smile, then wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me against his side. I sighed in relief, with the comfort that he gave me. There was no way that I'd be able to do this alone, but I also wouldn't have asked him to come with me, for support. I think he knew that, so he didn't give me a choice.
It felt like he knew me so well sometimes, it was almost scary.
Carter met us a little ways down the hall and held out two water bottles to us. I took mine and cracked the lid immediately. When the cold liquid hit my parched throat, I just kept guzzling it, until it was half way gone.
Carter lifted his eyebrow and let out a short laugh. "Thirsty?" he asked. I nodded and leaned into Colby's side. His arm tightened around me, his fingers digging into my hip a little. "Okay, follow me to the conference room. We can take your statement there and get the paper work filed."
Colby and I followed behind him, until he veered off into a room on the left. It was a larger room, with an oversize oval table in the middle of it. The dark blue carpet had a few stains here and there, but otherwise looked fine. There was a sink, a coffee machine, and a refrigerator on the opposite wall. I had a strong suspicion that this conference room was also their break room.
"Have a seat and another officer will be with you shortly," Carter said, before closing us in the room. I pulled out a chair, sat, and tossed my purse on the table. "I wonder how long we'll have to wait," I whispered. It was so quiet in the room, besides the whirr of the air conditioner, that I felt like I wasn't supposed to break the silence.
"Hopefully, not too long," Colby replied, not bothering to stay quiet. I was just weird. He pulled out the chair beside me and sat down. "You still doing okay? You're handling it great, Love." I smiled at his choice pet name of the moment and nodded. "I'm doing okay. A little anxious, but that's probably because I haven't taken my medicine in a few days. I'll be okay."
He narrowed his eyes at me and shook his head. "Why haven't you taken your medicine, Cal? You know you need to keep taking it for it to work, right?" His voice turned wry, as he pursed his lips at me. "Yes, Colby, I know that. I've been taking it for a long time. I'm not dumb. I've just been...preoccupied," I replied, rolling my eyes.
"You take it as soon as we get back to your place," he replied, matter of factly. Like I had no say in the matter. I bristled, but chose to keep my mouth shut. Like I usually did. "Yeah, I'll take it when I get back home," I said, turning my face away from him. Now wasn't the time to tell him that it made me feel like a child, when he spoke to me like that. I knew how to take care of myself and I didn't need him, or anyone else telling me what to do.
I would take it when I got back home though, because I needed too.
We sat quietly for the next few minutes, with Colby going through emails on his phone, and I sat playing with the lid to my water bottle. I didn't want to get on my phone, for fear of seeing something else that Will had sent or posted. So, I just sat there, twirling that stupid little lid around the table.
Finally, the opened to reveal two officers. One man with a pot belly, probably in his 50's, with a receding hairline that led back to thin, reddish hair. His eyes were small, set inside a slightly pudgy face, but they were kind. The second one was a woman, trim and beautiful, with long dark black hair, pulled back into a tight ponytail. Her green eyes were staggering, but sweet, and went well with her olive complexion.
I felt like I was supposed to stand when they entered the room, to introduce myself at least, but I couldn't make my legs move. The anxiety that I had been holding back seemed to burst through its cage door, as soon as I saw them. My hands were trembling, as I tightened the lid back onto my bottle.
Thankfully, they came in and sat right across from Colby and I, not bothering with standing around. "Hi, I'm Lieutenant Johnson and this is Officer Raven. First, I know that Officer Carter already asked, but I need to confirm. Is it okay if this gentleman is in the room while we hear your statement?" "Y-yes," I stammered out, nodding my head.
If they tried to make Colby leave, then I was leaving with him.
"Okay. Second, I brought Officer Raven in so that a female officer would be present, for your comfort. If you would like her to leave, then just let us know," Lt. Johnson continued. I glanced at Officer Raven and caught her eyes. She smiled gently at me, letting me know that it wouldn't hurt her feelings, if I did ask her to leave. I shook my head. "No, she can stay. It's fine. It's just a harassment thing, anyway. There wasn't any...sexual stuff," I replied, feeling my cheeks flame up.
I saw Colby stiffen in his chair and knew that he was thinking about what had happened in the past, with Will. If my cheeks got any more heated, I was afraid that I would just spontaneously combust on the spot.
The Lieutenant nodded and smiled, comfortingly. "We have some paper work for you to fill out, and we'll need your story, along with any proof that will make it more concrete. We don't need the proof to file for the restraining order, however, so that's up to you, if you would like to relinquish it."