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this chapter picks up the same day the last one left off
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I had plans to meet regulus for breakfast in the kitchens. I ended up waiting for 47 minutes and 32 seconds; not that I was counting. I sat on the table's edge snapping my foot agents the stone floors, the sound echoed through the room as house elves would accusingly shoot me pitying looks. But I thought nothing of it, regulus would be coming, he has never not come before.
Seeing Regulus today was supposed to act as a sort of reward for last night's full moon, a pick me up if you will after a very long night. No matter what me and padfoot did, Moony refused to settle down. Lucky though I only got a few scratches and a brushed rib. I have had much worse.
On our way back from the full Sirius grew strange and wandered off not even brushing his teeth or getting a few minutes of shut eye (or beauty sleep as he called it) before classes and breakfast.
"Can we get you anything master Potter?" Wigby asked with a forced grin coming over to me and sitting on the table.
"No thank you Wigs." I responded with a sigh.
The house elf only looked back pityingly "Master Potter?"
"Yes?"
"Wigby doesn't think he's coming."
Regulus was never the type to be late, much less to just not show up.
I was on my third cup of stress coco.
Wigby ended up checking in on me three times in the next ten minutes. After a while I got fed up and too anxious (and finally acknowledging the feeling instead of pushing it away – an act regulus would have been proud of me for, if he had actually been at breakfast).
I ended up going to the dorm in a rush, and seeing Sirius still wasn't back, Remus was in the hospital wing, I only found Peter asleep in his bed, shoes still on, no blankets. I huffed and smiled walking past him to my own bed getting the map.
I hurriedly scanned the mad my heart pounding in my ears. I couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong. I had no reason to think this and yet the sick scene made a home in my stomach.
Regulus's name was alone in the astronomy tower, that almost made me come to ease because nothing bad happened in the astronomy tower; it was our place, or safe spot. But the feeling pressed on.
I left the tower rushing down the halls nearly sprinting if it hadn't been for lilly Evans the girl I chased after for years, ironically, I ended up bumping into her making us both fall to the ground.
"Shit sorry Lill's." I groaned, my head throbbing.
"It's cool..." she said, giving me a hand and rubbing her head "have you seen Pan?"
"No, have you seen Reg?"
She huffed out a slight laugh and finished straightening her cloths "No, only Sirius he was running off though in some sort of rush,"
"Great, thanks."
She whipped her head around as I made my way over to the staircase. "Yeah, but I uhh got to go."
"Right" I nodded, still trying to edge away without being rude. "And Lill's?"
She finished adjusting her uniform "Yeah?" I smiled to myself thinking back to the map and just across from regulus's all the way outside the castle (thankfully it had stopped snowing by this time of year) stood a name beginning with a p named after a mystery box.
"Check the green houses."
A look of relief stretched over her face easing the slight bags under her eyes "Thanks."
"See ya!"
"See you."
I dashed off again running up the astronomy tower's staircase, my heart beat only growing as the stone stairs curved and went up. The sun had just risen, the bird called out cheerful toons making the world seem bright, I felt so naive then, so childlike, living in a state of bliss. Of the muggle highschool type of love. Where everything feels so extreme, like every word said puts the world at edge, like every kiss was life and death, like every moment was going to be for the rest of your lives. My point is love like that rarely lasts, but it sure as hell feels like it does.
We were dumb kids in love running out an invisible clock I didn't even know was ticking. Maybe Regulus knew, maybe he could feel it, maybe he wanted to run out the clock. Looking back I think he had accepted that we wouldn't last. I couldn't see it though. I was so blind. War, love, lust, friendships, hate, loyalty all subline in the big picture. And what the big picture is I have no idea. I think it is different for everyone or it could be the same yet we all call it different things.
When I walked through the cracked astronomy door I only found Regulus's still body laying on the ground. And I froze. Again. I froze when Sirius came to my doorstep near dead. I refused to freeze again.
Move, I begged, fucking move.
The world moved in a strange way for a while all blurry and distorted. I remember it moving so quickly as I dove down to his body checking for a pulse and yelling for help, but it felt so slow as I took his cold hand in mine. Time quickend when Madam Pomfrey came in along with the young Hufflepuff girl with too many bracelets came running in. Yet it slowed when Regulus's body was thrusted on the gurney. time was quick as we rushed down to the hospital wing. But so fucking slow as she checked for a pale forcing a few potions down his limp throat.
Then it was wavey as I weighed outside all the memories passing through my head all in a blurry hase so bad that I was scared the thoughts would merge into one and become stuck. I felt so stuck.
I was in the waiting room right outside of the hospital wing doors, the only relocation of how time passed was by the footsteps that came and went with each passing hour. I was missing class but Madam Pomfrey didn't kick me out or yell at me, she only handed me a plate of food and a glass of water and told me I could see him a little. But I don't know how many littles it takes to become a long time.
By the 5th or 6th wave of numb footsteps and loud talking Madam Pomfrey came out of the wing, her hair a mess, a few stains on her apron, none red. She smiled to be and said something but I did not hear her "what?" I asked.
She sighed a little not acting like i had ever seen her before "come into my office mr. Potter, will you?"
I nodded following her, on our way I tried to find which one was Regulus's bed but I never did see him in the ray of light blue bed sheets. I sat down in her wooden chairs, she took a seat in the plush purple some she had behind an oak desk with small engravings on it. She sighed and pressed her lips into a thin line.
"what happened to him?" I whispered only to make her look more solemn.
"exhaustion for the most part."
I gave a slight nod "and?"
"What do you mean and?"
"He has been here for hours, you don't keep people here longer than they need to be."
She paused thinking for a moment and took a biscuit out of a purple tin "He also had prone recent exposure to high levels of dark magic, it... how do I put this... made his emotions go hey wire, made him not think straight. He must have had some emotional trigger making high levels of magic course through his system. A magical overdose if you will."
"what?"
She slid the final bit of the biscuit into her mouth then brushed if the crums, "Every wizard has a set amount of magic" she explained softly "like a glass of water the glass refills itself but when it gets overflown or too empty the body simply doesn't know what to do."
High levels of dark magic... high levels of dark magic. It didn't make sense why would Reg have been around dark magic? "Can I see him?" I asked thinking the answer would be no.
"Mr. Black is coming off of these high levels of dark magic, not to mention the dehydration, exhaustion, it wouldn't surprise me if he hadn't slept in days. He is in a very fragile state."
"That's not an answer."
She huffed"he will be awake within the hour. When he does I will take some blood samples to run a few more tests on then I'm going to put him right back to bed. I suppose you could be with him at this time, only if you do not cause too much of a fuss."
I smiled for the first time all day "Ofcourse."
She shook her head "third bed on the left."
"Thank you so much Madam Pomfrey."
"And if you were wondering, I'm letting Remus go this hour as well. He is the second on the right."
I nodded curing myself forgetting Remus was in the hospital wing too. "Thank you."
"No need to thank me, my boy, just-" let out a small laugh to herself "don't fly too close to the sun on this one." I nodded, still smiling.
"yeah but don't let the sea eat you alive either." Professor McGonagall said from behind me standing in the door frame.
"Hello Professor." I greeted sheepishly, turning around.
"Good evening mr. Potter, you weren't in class today."
"Oh," Pomfery chimed in, placing her hand on my shoulder "that would be my bad Min I have hed mr. Potter here today."
But then the most world shattering thing happened. Minnie smirked. "uh huh, I see." she said with a grin and her arms crossed. I only gawked in response. "Well if you were here on official business I may or may not be able to get some of your other class work dismissed."
This was not the same Professor McGonagall that gave me detention 3 times in the same day in first year, not the same one who talked to me about her partner after the prank, not the same one who helped lead the order of the phoenix. This one was lighter, happier, more carefree. I had never seen her or Pomfrey like how they acted that day. It almost took my mind off reg. "really?"
"Yes."
Madam Pomfery's grip tightened on my shoulder "Well thank you Min but I really need James's help over here."
"Alright then," she began turning away but hesitated. "Mr. Potter?" she asked.
"yes?"
She threw me a sympathetic smile making my bones chill "make sure he is alright yeah?"
"I will."
The animagus walked off and if I didn't know better I would say with a slight skip in her step, but the oldest part was she walked right into Madam Pomfrey's office. But as I continued following the matron I decided to think about that later mostly because there were more important things at stake; I was seeing reg.
I chose not to overthink him having heightened levels of dark magic, I chose not to think about why he was gone, or why he passed out. I hate that I now know the feeling of regulus black motionless in my arms. But not in the same way someone is asleep in your arms, that feeling is warm and light, happy and pleasant. This is... cold, dark, distent. Like they are a world away and having thrown away their body leaving you in this world forever alone.
I hated feeling that when I found reg. I hate remembering it for the rest of our lives.
This time as Madam Pomfrey opened the light blue curtains I found Regulus alive – well conscious- he was breathing and moving not much. I let out a breath I had no idea I was holding yet I froze scanning the body of the boy I liked so much. He had dark purple circles under his eyes, he was paler than normal looking almost fragile in a way I know he hated, his hair was a mess and I knew that bothered him as well. He must have just woken up, hardly having time to fix any of this. Because I knew regulus black. I knew that would have been the first thing on his mind no matter what.
He looked so tired, as if you could just pick him up in your arms and take him away from this awful world so full of darkness and hate. Like you could just run. But regulus would never run. I wish I could have seen that.
"hey" he croaked out words ruff and discombobulated.
I felt my face pull into a smile as water soaked through my eyes "hey."
"I'm not dead, you know." at the point I broke rushing over to him –at some point Madam Pomfrey must have left- I cupped my head around his cheek as if I didn't believe he was there. I didn't let myself think about the why of how he has hurt, only focussing on the 'your not dead' bliss. It felt like I was seeing the day for the first time, light finally emanating from space, things coming back to life after so much darkness, warming everything. It was like I was finally home, but I had no idea home was so far from reach.
Me and regulus were still for a moment, his hand slowly finding its way around my own, he was so cold. As if he had just come back from the dead. "god..." I whispered "what happened?"
"I'm fine." he insisted and pleaded.
"I don't believe you."
"I know.'' Regulus forced a thin smile and scooted over. Please let him be okay I begged to myself please. I took the empty space next to him wrapping him in my arms. He felt like all the heat –all the fire- had been taken from him, leaving an empty shell of who he once was. I couldn't suppress the feeling that I wouldn't get him back.
Soon after he fell asleep his head resting on my shoulder, his hair brushing against my cheek. After a while I slipped off as well falling into a deep sleep only to be greeted by regulus burning building curing innocents. I told myself it wasn't real. But it felt like being shaken awake for the first time ice thrown on my fac.
~o~
When I woke up I found a copy of the daily prophet on the bed stand, the headline reading DEATH EATERS STRIKE AGAIN LEAVING OVER 35 DEAD AND 3 MISSING. I found myself glancing over at Regulus looking like a harmless angel in sleep. I clenched the paper and I tried to force myself not to, I told myself it wasn't right, that it would be an invasion of his privacy.
But I ended up giving in and sliding regulus's left sleeve up and relaxing as I saw a lack of black ink.
~o~
Even when I left Regulus's bedside that day I couldn't shake the thought of the daily prophet headline. I wondered what Regulus could have done with it. I tried to stop thinking before he was going to have it. Because there is no way no way that the soft, kind boy I chose would ever betray me like that. He could never have gone to their side; there's no way. None. And yet even as we laid in bed together passing small whispers I never asked.
So as I made my way down to the Gryffindor common room after a long long peaceful day Taking in the Angelic silence I never would have expected to walk back to an up roaring common room in havoc. Lily and Pandora stood closest to the door and were cheering and like the rest of the common room all circled around two figures. they looked so happy and ecstatic for whoever was in the center of the circle the entire common room was. I let myself have a little flutter of whatever hope I had but maybe this was some good new rejoiceful thing that I could participate in. Maybe this was some fun game, maybe it was a good thing. Everyone was acting like it was a good thing. So I smiled as I pissed over to Pandora and Lily whose faces lit up even more as they saw me.
"James!" Pandora shouted waving me over even more.
"Hey," I said with a hint of confusion.
"It's wonderful isn't it?" Lily rejoiced.
"What is"
"Oh, he doesn't know," Pandora whispered over to Lily. But Lily only laughed a little, taking my shoulder turning me to face the center of the common room. Sirius Black stood their Remus Lupin in his arms -kissing. They were bloody kissing. Sucking on each other's faces like animals. They had spent so much time hating each other that it almost didn't click. How could Remus have forgiven him? In what world would Remus Lupine have forgiven him? He had spent over a year ignoring serious pissed off at Sirius anytime they would talk exploding that serious. Why now what had happened?
I was supposed to be happy for them in this moment. I was supposed to be their biggest fan cheering them on ecstatic so I showed it. I showed it as I cheered with the rest of the common room, as I grinned with Lily and Pandora, when later that night I told him how happy I was for them.
But to be completely honest I don't know if I was. I mean every rational part of my brain told me to be happy for them every bone in my body ached to really be happy for them. And I did a pretty good job of faking it. I did a pretty good job of putting on the support of a happy best friend cheering them on making jokes. After a while I would become genuinely happy for them but in the moment I can only feel inking pain as if I was missing out on something.
Me and Regulus could never be the couple too snuck in the middle of the common room to have people cheer for us, hell I could barely hold his hand in public with that risking everything. Regulus would never fight with me in the war on Dumbledore's side. I hadn't even signed up to be on Dumbledore's side yet. regulus and I would never be able to just be not yet anyways barely ever. because that's all I wanted was to just be.
At the moment I barely knew what the future would hold. I mean surely I must have known it was so obvious looking back it was so obvious. But I just told myself over and over and over again that he wanted to do that to me, that maybe... maybe... he loved me more than that. So I ignored it. The small little thoughts of cruelty pushed away, the worry and the fear leaving. All I was in the moment, a little ball of pathetic string hope, of childlike naivety, living in blissful ignorance that never ends because that's how I ever do. Just live in the little bubble of the perfect James Potter life.
I didn't know how much time I had left, barely knew that I was running out but all the all these years later looking back on it, Regulus knew, Regulus saw it and he was just killing time soaking every second he could in the light before falling back into a sea of dark.
I never actually found out why Remus forgave Sirius. I never found out what he said to him, never heard it, never knew, never saw, only guessed. Because the only way I could see it playing out was quite literally that Sirius just woke up and decided that today is the day I'm going to kiss Remus Lupin, and Remus learned that day that no matter how hard I try it is impossible to hate Sirius Black.
The following weeks were spent all the same. Mondays through Fridays we would go to classes, me and Lily meeting up with Regulus and Pandora for lunch sometimes in the kitchen or double dates on weekends. Because that was the one time we could actually be seen in public together. Everyone just assumed me and Lilly were together and Regulus and Pandora were as well. It worked for us no one questioned it. We just lived and we laughed, we made jokes and conversations, we read books and discussed them almost every week.
Sometimes they come over to the Gryffindor common room bringing cups of hot chocolate from the kitchens then we would just sit by the common room fire drinking hot cocoa laughing and choking around nothing serious ever pain brought up I smile back at those moments those are some of the best in my life.
Pandora taught me about different types of plants and algae, different things that could be used in potions. Regulus talked to Lily about the stars in the sky and what different constellations meant. Lily fills us in all the School drama because she somehow always knew all of it, a trait I'm sure Mary had taught her. Sometimes Remus and Sirius would join us making the six of us. Those nights are special too but special in a completely different way. Sirius and Regulus never directly talk to each other even though they were a part of the same group, almost acting as if the other one was invisible barely even looking at each other. I always made a note to ask one of them about it but I never did.
Other nights Marlene and Dorcas would join and even then there was some tension between Dorcas Regulus and Pandora and unspoken agreement not to bring up something specific that none of the others knew. I had never known any of the Slytherins to be cold to each other. They love each other more than the Marauders left each other at times.
The Marauders also began breaking again with nothing major, nothing too intrusive dong bombs and corridors or talking spray paint on the walls, rarely anything against the Slytherins anymore though.
The last few months of the school year were spent the most normal that they had felt since practically fourth year, a group only getting larger as people began to settle more.
It took a while but Mary ended up coming back to us but never really one-on-one with Lily. Sometimes I would catch Mary looking just a little bit too long at her, Mary just sitting a little too close to Lill's as if she was just trying to get her back, as if she just couldn't move on. I would see Mary sometimes shooting jealous looks in Pandora or sometimes showing off her new girlfriend -that only would last a week or two- a few times even bringing a boyfriend into the mix. But Lily only showed happiness and only showed the most Kindest Heart To those people and Mary.
One particular night in question it was raining outside, something odd for the warmer weather being pulled into the castle. Pandora and Regulus came over bringing hot chocolate sitting by Lily and I. The rest of the common room had headed back up by then all sleeping in their dorms or just out. Slowly the rest of our group started trailing down. First it was Sirius and Remus, Sirius wearing shorts and one of Remus's jumpers but Remus had on sweatpants and Sirius's old quidditch Jersey. Regulus rolled his eyes as they came down the stairs. Then Dorcas came in through the portrait hole, her hair and braids and that one silver necklace dangling from her neck. Marlene was soon to follow in an oversized zip up Hoodie. Mary then got dragged down by Marlene. She had a cup of coffee in her hand. Peter then follows not coming down through the dormitory though he came in through the portrait hole his face flashes close messy. When he came in and we asked him where he had been he just coughed up a bunch of loose answers, nothing being specific. He sat down and mindlessly played a game of wizards chess with Sirius Peter went in though per usual.
Regulus and I shared an armchair, him tucked into my side, his arms thrown around my neck, Lily and Pandora in the loveseat hanging off of each other, next to them was Dorcas and Marlene. Sirius and Remus that on the armchair opposite of us Sirius sat on the arm. Peter on the floor next to the armchair the table with the chess board sitting in between him and Sirius. Mary was also on the floor sitting on top of an oversized throw pillow.
We talked about classes and teachers' homework and potions. All feeling so incredibly normal.
Don't ask me what made that night so special in my mind but it's helplessly loud. All of us together, alive, happy, all laughing at dumb stupid jokes or crapy little remarks. I don't know how many more of these dumb teenager moments we had left but I took everyone never questioning where it came from.
War was being fought outside our castle walls, people dying everyday, blood being spilled. And we were all killing time until those were trying to fight. Some of us were already fighting, some of us were fighting on the wrong side. Some of us were going to lose people others already had. Some of us would lose our lives, some of us would lose our lovers, some of us would lose both. This was a moment before all of the loss before all the hardship that had already begun sprinkling into our lives. This was just calm. There's not enough calm in the world so full of rough Darkness.
Day turning into night. The storm was beginning to stir. The flowers beginning to wilt. The ocean turning polluted. The trees getting cut down.
Those last few months of the school year were slowly, calm, happy. Full of stupid pranks, mindless laughter, hot coco, and love. Looking back I can see the cracks, but right then, right then it was everything.
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Okay quick explanation of you need it
1). The reason poppy and minnie were being so odd is they know when young love is doomed and they were giving james and reg all the time they could
2.) James in the moment is thinking he is the king of the world and has everything he ever wanted but the story is told like james is looking back on his life and as he dose such he can see 'the cracks'
3.) Regulus is seeing his life as a ticking clock of sorts he thinks that death-eater-ship is inevitable and doesn't see the point in fighting when the world was already and will always be awful. He just wants to give into the darkness you can say and it felt so good (the black family mania is popping up)
4.) wolfstar, Sirius essentially wore remus down like i have said this is not a wolfstar center fic
5.)Pandalilly is just living in their little bubble safe and happy
6.)The reason Pandora is so hell bent on sticking with regulus even though that would mean leaving the love of her life is Regulus is like the brothers she wanted growing up and she saw their undying loyalty to each other and that is now getting reflected into regulus he is her brother and her family. She would kill for her family.