To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

A New Era (james pov)

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tw: fighting (james and lilly fight a bit near the end), crying (james needs to be liked.) i think that is it tell me if not

4 chapters until pandalilly/ marylilly

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The short bliss that came by my nights with Reg began to spread through the day, things started becoming easier, I got bothered by insolent little events less and less, Until I just couldn't find in myself to care. The bad stops getting felt, the good became so extreme. There was no longer the mournful days that would pass by living in the shadow of a past life. Now those same hours were filled with a new kind of laughter, with a new kind of people. A new kind of friendship with new kinds of jokes that felt so new, fresh and untouched, as if it wasn't tainted by the Dark World surrounding us all.

I was in a bubble. A little happy bubble that spread through my days. Soon after that party came when I sat them at lunch, and after lunch came the rumors. Then after rumors came the calm. I was in the eye of the hurricane where everything was still and fine.

Regulus's soft smiles filled my day paired with Bartys sharp laughter, or Dorcas's loving sneers, sometimes the odd quip from Evan or the real conversation with pandora. I could also feel the shift in my surroundings and how people perceived me. Professors became short with all my actions, my normally long leash becoming more of a choker than anything. I was Snapping at the professors more and more, Something I had never done before, at least not honestly done before.

Sure, I tease the teachers and pull pranks on students, but now? Every harsh comment had true meaning behind it. And they knew it. They somehow knew the line between a joke and an insult, something that's meant to sting versus something that was made for joy.

The jokes I made still caused those around me to laugh. Still made me feel better about myself. Still made the world fall in line.

I was finding it. I was finding that perfect balance of me. This was the best I've felt in My whole life; Everything felt right. Every action, every quip, every conversation and laugh felt right and felt good. I don't think that anyone from my past life could see it, I don't think anyone outside of it could see it.

During the art class, while I was normally either sitting alone or by next to Dorcas (if we shared the classes with Slytherins) I could feel The burning gaze of my past friends linger on me, I could feel the Harsh comments burn into my skin with every laugh and with every joke that I made with the Slytherins. I could feel the eyes on me In the Great Hall. I could feel the disappointment. I could feel the shame. I swear they were all musing 'what happened to James Potter?'

But I didn't like that James Potter. At least not anymore. I didn't like the James Potter who if he was having a bad day, would hide, I don't like the James he put everyone else's feelings about his own, I don't like the James who was constantly searching for the right, but not being able to see the wrong in his own actions. I don't like the James who pushed so hard on something that I could no longer understand if it was right or wrong. I don't like the James who kept breaking and then pretending to be put together. I don't like the James It couldn't take a hint from Lilly. I don't like the James, who I used to be.

I was finding a new version of myself. A new version that I seem to like better. Made me feel better.

I no longer cared about if those around me liked me. I no longer cared if my actions hurt others. I just didn't care anymore.

It was exhilarating.

It was like I was flying. I was no longer choked by that suffocating dread that came with concerning myself about those around me, no longer weighed down by that pretending. No longer searching for a name for feeling that I was too dense to see. No longer trying to be something that I'm not.