To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

In the Shadows of Doubt (reg pov)

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Tw: anxiety

also the 'voices' regulus hears (and sirius) just anxiety

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I got back to my room just past 3:00 AM from the Astronomy Tower. I dropped James back off at his common room entrance, practically dragging him. I didn't want that night to have made me happy. In fact, there's nothing that I hated about myself more than that. But nevertheless, a thine Joyful bliss filled my mind, coated every bad memory it seemed, as if a type of film In my mind that was playing every word and every kiss over and over again.

"When will I see you again?" James asked. One foot in the portrait hole, which I just then found out was the entrance of the Gryffindor common room. "Find me." He smiled at that. A wide joyful James Potter smile as he then said, "Tomorrow?" I turned away to try to hide that smile that plastered my face as I echoed back. "Find me."

So many contradictory thoughts were going through my head. So many full of hatred, others full of longing. But I came to one single conclusion by the end of the night. Maybe I already had that conclusion before. I was gonna give James Potter a chance to prove himself to me. Prove that it actually had enough room left in his heart for me, prove that he was over the left Evans, prove that he didn't just want to leave me and go back to my brother. Prove That he could truly be mine, as I knew I was pathetically his.

Every harsh word said with hidden love. Seemed to make him smile with every snarky, comment and every rude gesture. And it all just seemed to make him happy. It was stupid. It was so stupid. He was a complete idiot. And I hoped he could just be my idiot, as he so claimed he was.

He disappeared behind the portrait of a sleeping Woman with her hair in complicated tangles and a pink dress. I made my way back to the Slytherin Common Room. My mind swimming as I opened the dorm room door. I didn't notice the lights were on at first, but Barty, Evan, Dorcas, and Pandora all stretched out spread Throughout the room in waiting. I swear I didn't know it was past 3 AM but they definitely did.

"Regulus Acturus back. Where the hell were you?" Dorcas asked, with cold anger. I didn't respond, still frozen at the door, scanning the room. Pandora was thrown over my bed, hanging upside down, her head drifting off to the side. Barty was sitting on his bed flipping through a magazine. Evan was on his own lying down, clearly trying to sleep but failing in that pathetic effort. But Cas sat in a chair in the middle of the room. Faced directly at the door. If anything, she was the one waiting and just keeping the rest of them up in the same state.

"Answer her Reg." Barty called out, flipping another page looking to me with a strange amount of concern in his tone. "I was out on a walk." Normally, I'm good at lying. But this was not one of those times. I don't know what washed over me, I don't know what suddenly took away my silver tongue, but, nevertheless, they clearly saw through that panic ensued of a lie.

"Reg we were worried sick." Pandora said as I sat next to her, she began fidgeting with one of my rings, as she so often did when we were in close proximity. "Sorry, I didn't know how late I was getting."

"And what made you lose track of that time?" Evan grumbled from his bed eyes still closed.

But Barty begins roaring with an insidious amount of laughter as he said rather vaguely "You didn't."

I spun my head from Dora to him "What?"

"Oh, my Fuck. He's a Griffndoor reg. Oh fuck..." he gawked at me mouth hung open "him? Of all the people?"

I shot a cold stare as I grumbled to my best friend "I don't know what you're talking about, Bar."

"I mean, I know we've talked about it a million times before. I know it's blatantly obvious, but still, I didn't think you would actually do it."