To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

A Glimpse of Kindness (James Pov)

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TW: panic attack (not reg or james)

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"SLYTHERIN." the hat bellowed for the fourth time in a row. Sirius ground and leaned over to Remus whispering "Another death eater then?" Remus smiled and whispered back "Most defiantly." As the clapper died down and another young first year went up to the hat I couldn't help but steal another glance at the young black heir at the next table over.

It was odd, from the second he pulled out a book and seemed to zone out I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Thankfully Sirius didn't notice a thing. After Marline came and sat over with us the rest of the girls joined her; Sirius split his time between talking to Marline and Moony. Marline and Sirius had started dating at the end of last term ever since then Moony had acted weird around her and every time Sirius talked to her, he would either look at his hands or just leave. I'm not sure that Sirius picked up on that fact though.

The young newly appointed black heir for the first time that meal looked up from his book and briefly caught my eye. Butterflies filled my stomach as I quickly looked away, but I could feel the entertaining burn of his gaze lingering on me.

"James? James?!" Wormtail called from the seat next to me. "Sorry wormy? What?" he rolled his eyes and said, "Evans has been sitting with us for at least ½ an hour and you haven't even noticed."

Why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I notice? The girl I have been chasing after for 5 years was right next to me and I didn't do a thing. Normally if we were in the same room, I would be... I don't even know how to describe it. She made me crazy I could never get her off my mind she was my mind. But it just hit me that I hadn't even thought about her since Sirius ran away. It was like it made me see that there are bigger worries than what beautiful smart amazing Lilly Evans thinks of me.

I fancy Lilly. Hell, I have publicly declared my love for her more times than I can count, almost every summer I would be talking my mother's ear off about her but then Padfoot came to live with us and... it felt like everything clicked into place. Like I was using my crush on Lilly to distract myself from the really fucked up things that were going on around me. My best friend was abused by his parents every brake, my other best mate was a fucking werewolf and would tear himself to peace's every month, 2 of my best friends and I became animagi to keep are other friends was on the verge of death every month. And then there was Lilly. It almost felt like she didn't fit.

Why did I even start to like Lilly in the first place? I was in first year! I didn't know shit so why did I decide to make some random pretty girl I didn't even know the center of the universe? Moony would call it infatuation I had decided to claim it as love. But was it? WAS IT?!

Fuck.

"James?" peters voice cut in "you seemed a little zoned out their mate." peter began to dig into his pork chops as I scoped out some salad onto my plate. I stopped eating meat after I became an animagi. I will spare you the details on what steak did to my stomach.

"Sorry worms I just am not feeling great."

"Well just eat your plant shit and smile were back at Hogwarts." yep James Potter aways having to be happy and never allowed to have a difficult day. Peter went back to his pork chop no longer caring about me and I forced myself to look at the lettuce on my plate not the seeker acrost the room that my eyes seemed to naturally drift to. I didn't think anything of it.

"So?" marline asked clutching Sirius's hand on the table "what is your guy's first prank back goanna be?"

"Well if we tell you McKinnon, we will have to kill you." I say putting back on my happy front. This earned a dry laugh from the group, notably Lilly, and the sight caused butterflies to fly through my stomach, an act I still don't know whether it was forced or not. We have only been back a day I'm sure it's nothing, I'm still mad for Lilly. I told myself as the rest of the meal went on.