To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

Dueling, Discoveries, and Forbidden Feelings(Reggie pov)

-

tw: fight, use of a homophonic slur (snape is a fucking asshole), panic attack (not really a panic attack but regulus freaks), and internalized homophobia.

and quick explanation if you are confused on why people are intimated slytherin skittles. for starters they all come from big pure blood familys who are all rumored to be death eaters and right now when tensions for the war are high people make assumptions. another reason is Dorcas and franks quidditch injrey thing, everyone assumes she tried to kill him -because of her family once again, and barty and evan are grouped with her by association.

and for pandora and reg it mostly is also association but they dueled snape in the great hall and won. Everyone saw it and made some assumptions.

I also love that i kind of wrote as like a little gang type thing I think it is very fitting.

anyways im done rabbling hope you like the chapter

-

Opening yourself up to people is positively terrifying. The constant pressure in your chest when you go to speak, when someone looks at you for a little too long and you begin to wonder what they think of you and if they like you, when you leave a conversation and all the intrusive thoughts come in, when you say something just a little too weird and you think about it for days those words circling around in a strange abyss in your mind and it feels like it all pools at the bottom like a misery puddle.

But there are also really good moments. When someone laughs at a feeble joke you made, when you are snickering about other students in the corner of a class room, when you go to the quidditch pitch together to play a game, when it feels like you are a part of the group and belong... sure you still love your alone time and crave it but when those people slip into the crevasse of your mind and you smile a little or think of a joke someone told you earlier and laugh at the memory...

That is what makes it worth it.

All the little good moments grow more common, and the thoughts seem to quite not go away they will never completely go away, and they are still there but they seem too madder less.

Dorcas, Barty, Evan, Pandora and I had been friends for just over a month and it was something.

The only person I had allowed myself to ever get close to before was my brother and though his absence still hurt it was much more bearable no longer being alone. I try not to think of the other black too much but occasionally I will be looking over at the Gryffindor table and I'll catch his eye and I couldn't help but feel guilty and when that feeling arose, I eminently tried to cover it with anger. I wanted to be angry at him, so I forced it which made me feel more guilty which forced the anger- you see the problem?

One morning a couple days after Halloween with the common room still smelling of fire whisky and smoke Evan, Barty, Pandora, and I were talking on the only moderately comfortable couches with Barty and Evan on one, Barty's arm thrown around Evans shoulders pulling him closer and occasionally landing a small kiss that he thinks is subtle but is not. And acrost from them was Pandora and I with pandora siting with a book on the arm rest and I laying with my head on her legs, Leo somehow between the pair of us.

"Oh my gods did you guys hear all the shit that has been going around the castle?" Barty asked, making Evan's eyes roll. "What shit? about who?" I asked lazily with my eyes closed, Pandora's hand drifting through my hair as I pet Leo.

"Reggie bean how have you not heard?" Barty exclaimed as first years began pouring down the stairs.

I scoffed opening an eye to look over at the pair on the couch "You overestimate how many people I talk to."