To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

Blood, a bond like no other (siri pov)

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tw: guilt, voices, family trama, panic attack, fighting

The Black brothers and all their angst

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I'm done pretending everything is okay, I can't do it anymore, I tried I really tried but I can't do it. Ever since the full moon with the marauders it feels real, I feel it now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry I repeat over and over again from acrost the great all. I'm sorry I scream to the backs of their heads during classes. I'm sorry I want to shout as my best friend and brother whispering in the halls. I'm sorry I say to myself as I cry myself to sleep from behind a silencing charm.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

I'm so, so sorry.

The weather was warming as quidditch practices began to start back up, I found myself watching my brothers practices every Tuesday and Thursday, but not baring going to the Gryffindor practices anymore. I hide in the library during Remus and Lilly study group, I watched peter and his 2 people during classes. I watched and watched and hoped and hoped.

I hoped I could go back; I hoped things could change, I hoped and hoped but nothing.

I was confused about James and my brother, I had no idea they had even met before, why were they enough for each other when I wasn't enough for either one of them, why did they get to make each other laugh, why did they get to be friends?

It was now two months since the prank and today, I walked through the stone halls to the hospital, my footsteps alone echoing through the halls. Filling my mind as I slowly began creeping forward. Just one step at a time. I tell myself that's it. Just one step at a time.

It was early. Way too early. No one was in the hospital wing, no one was in the hallways. No one was nowhere. I was like a ghost walking through an empty town, one that used to be so full of life and happiness was now just empty.

I quietly split open the hospital wing doors holding my breath unknowingly. I knew which bed he always was kept in after full moons it was the same one ever since first year. I had a small smile crept up on me at the familiarity of it all.

In second year before the rest of the others knew, one night after a full moon I shuck in the hospital wing looking through bed after bed until I saw him, and my heart dropped. The image of him still haunts my head sometimes. Little small Remus sandy haired, lanky, scrawny and blankly tall, lying unconscious, eyes closed, in the hospital in bed. Shifting ever so slightly as he was running from something. He was covered head to toe in bandages, some bits of red peeking through each of them. I remember the shock and horror as I connected the dots, I remember Madame Pomphrey dragging me out of there, I remember her kind words explaining everything, I remember how much I held my tongue when it came to telling the rest of the Marauders. Funny how I kept from James and peter, my family, my people, the ones I would die over. But couldn't help but tell Severus snape.

Just like that day all those lifetimes ago I Walked over to her Remus's bedside, pulling over the curtain. Always the third edge on the left, I thought to myself. I quietly not even letting the sound of my own footsteps escape me sat down at the chair that was always placed at his bedside. Once Upon a time, that chair was meant for me, and only me.

I just looked at his kind features, eyes running across every scar, I brushed a stray hair from his perfect face, ran my hand lightly across the scars that loomed there too. He doesn't deserve this, I bitterly thought to myself why did this happen to him? Of all people. This is Remus Lupin he was kind and gentle and perfect, never even harming a fly. Remus Lupin never wanted to hurt anyone or do anything out of line, not drawing any attention to himself. He never wanted to be some great big noble hero and he just wanted to be Remus Lupin. But the world never let them.