To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

Almost Alone Wolf (remus pov)

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Tw: angst in general (i know weird trigger but its a remus chapter what do you expect), emotional distress, anything to do with the prank really

this is just a remus check in of sorts he dosent get many povs in this fic yet.

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I hate Sirius Black.

James and Regulus have told you that's it's impossible to Hate Sirius Black, but I disagree. you see in my experience it is very easy to hate, Sirius Black Especially when he tears your heart in to peace's from the inside out, stomping on it and lighting it on fire setting it all in ashes, letting it crumble in the vast limits of our universe, never to be seen by another soul again. Sirius Black will get so close to you, so close that he knows everything; Every insecurity, every thought, every feeling until he has every single part of you. And then? He'll destroy it.

He'll take every part that you gave to him, every part that you've protected from everybody else. And he'll do what your worst fear has always been when it comes to opening up. He'll tell.

At first, I felt heartbroken and then I got angry. Oh, I got so angry. I want to just set the world on fire. It felt like all the air had been taken from my lungs, every good feeling huffed out and destroyed but, in its place, hot anger rose then set leaving a misty blur.

It all started in 3rd year. I remember I was bored out of my mind watching James and Sirius play Quidditch, Marlene and Mary were also there, talking about something I couldn't find it in myself to care about, I tried reading but my attention seemed unable to snap onto the page. So, I reluctantly watched their game. And as Sirius glided through the air swiftly moving his broom, muscles stretching with every turn, hair gleaming in the golden sun, I knew, I knew Sirius had me from that very moment.

That didn't mean I tried not to fancy him, I tried so many things, men, women, wizards, muggles, but still nothing. Nothing could pull my heart away from Sirius black until he threw it out the window.

After James told me what he had done. All I could feel was emptiness, not emptiness no, Empty means I felt nothing. I definitely felt something. It wasn't sadness, wasn't anger, wasn't disappointment... It was hope. I hoped it wasn't true. I hope that James somehow had the wrong idea of what happened. I hope that my Sirius Black would never have done anything of that sort. But hope always gets stolen from all of us. Every small, pathetic ounce of it that we seem to earn over time with trust and care, always somehow gets stomped on and stolen by someone with bigger Intentions.

As James left, memories of me and Sirius filled my head, That first kiss while hiding from Filch, the day at the three broomsticks after sirius had a fight with his brother, The week before break when snape caught us snogging, those magical moments over break, what Sirius did after we got off the train, it all swirled around my mind. Creating this odd haze that seemed to blind me from every true fact. Sirius Black couldn't have done this. But he did. Those were the facts. The facts only seem to solidify when Sirius came and tried to... talk? I don't even know what he was trying to do. As if you think I'd ever just forgive him after what he did.

When he left after harsh words being spoken, I remember as stray tears fell from my eyes, the throbs of pain as I dug my nails into my hand, trying so hard to believe it never happened. But it did. It did happen. It was real. It was true. That was the world. A world in which Sirius Black would betray me to Severus Snape. The world where Sirius Black tore my heart to shreds. The world That I was so afraid of sliding into that I couldn't realize I was already there.

Days felt like they passed after we talked, but it had only been hours. I couldn't tell you what was happening in the outside world, as if anything could be as earth shattering as what just happened to me, but maybe we're all blinded by our own selfishness. Sometimes, we are all so consumed about how things affect us, how everything seems to stop, something happens to us that we forget that everything is always moving in a constant circling haze of Hatred and forgiveness of love and hate. Everything is always moving and constantly changing. Even when life feels like it has stopped, it has never stood still. Only you are. And you have two options when things like this happen. Times when everything feels frozen, but you know that everything's moving. You can either move with it or stay frozen in place.