To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

What do you do when everything falls apart? (reg pov)

tw: references to past trauma and the de raid, also relationship problems

A candle burned on my nightstand, it smelled like lavender as it faintly smoked, the flame dancing around with the slight breeze of the wind. I watched it as it played and grew, melting the wax beneath with a small bit of as ash lingering at the top, the wax pooling at the base wick. I sighed wanting to turn over, but I forced myself to stay still even though my eyes still hung open. Another full moon hung in the early October sky as I let my thoughts consume me but never once taking my eyes off the lavender candle.

I thought back to the events of the day, how much has happened and changed, new truths told, burned pathways restored, old wounds finally scaring. I wasn't a fan of change if you couldn't already tell, I loved routine and order, planes and operation. Maybe that's why I did so well on the dark side of the war, but that wasn't for months to come.

I tried not to think about the volunteering or what it meant, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't have the heart. I didn't tell pandora or not yet at least, I didn't tell James not wanting to hurt him, I didn't tell Sirius not wanting to face his wrath. I didn't say anything once again choosing the easy option because I always choose the easy option.

I no longer knew what good was or meant. I didn't know if I wanted to be 'good' or run from it.

The flame of the candle danced again snaping me from my thoughts. Barty opened my bed curtains his manic smile no longer present, "can I come in?" he asked in a faint whisper, I nodded. He smiled sliding in next to me, I was over the covers, he was under. He wrapped his arm around me pulling me in as if protecting me, I buried my face into the crook of his neck letting him in, if it was anyone else (not James or pandora) I might have snaped his neck then cursed his dead cold body, but with him right then, it was nice.

The wind howled outside the dormitory making the windows rattle and Barty shiver. He traced stars in my skin as he smiled how kept pulling me closer, he didn't say anything again for a long time barely even looking at me, but he was there which was nice, maybe the nicest thing anyone had done all day.

"You alright?" he asked as he rested his chin on my head.

I laughed sadly a bitter pit forming in my stomach "No, I don't think I am." He looked down and smiled landing a light kiss on my head before sighing, keeping me close, always close.

It all started two mornings before I was watching James's first quidditch practice (I had watched the tryouts a week before). I smiled to myself looking into the field, James's muscles always pulled with every turn, his hair gleamed in the light, small drops of sweat dripping from his forehead, the jersey he chose to practice in was tight, too tight. I smiled to myself as I watched my boyfriend play and run his team.

He yelled at players, helped knew ones, made too many speeches, he insisted on being friends with his players thinking that if he was nice they could play better. But James always wanted to be everyone's friend.

I remember sighing as I leaned in the railing of the Gryffindor stands alone watching as James Potter whipped a stray hair from his eye and tried telling the new beaters how to properly weld the bat. Something Marline could have used last year.

They wrapped up practice early, something that would never have happened on the Slytherin team. They landed their brooms running off to the locker rooms, each itching for a shower. James waved before he disappeared.

I sat down in the stands on a very uncomfortable bench. I thought about how my life was going this year, I thought about the ticking clock of expectation.

Barty smiled next to me on the bed snaping be cack to the present he moved a stray hair from my face as he softly asked in a very un-barty like manor "do you want to tell me how it happened?" His words were soft and kind but I only shook my head in responce burying myself further into my best friend's hoodie saying, "I'm not even sure how it happened."