To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

The Flame That Burns Bright in the Rain (james pov)

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tw: blood, attempted murder,  pain, scares, betrayal

i'm not sure if those are all really triggers but this is just a heavy chapter. well not really but you get it.

also i hate how i wrote this but i do think you will like how it ends

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Sometimes things happen so fast you can't think. Sometimes those can't think moments are good impulsive moments you don't and will never regret and other times those don't think moments are the worst thing you can do affecting everyone you ever loved. I want to give you the full story about what happened, i want  to have all the details. I wish I did. Maybe it would be simpler, maybe it wouldn't. Sometimes things happen and everything speeds up.

I want to start right before it happened, I want to start in that one week of bliss before it all went to hell. I don't know, maybe it was already falling apart, maybe the second I abandoned my plan the cracks in my life started to form.

"So, James" my mother mused one day over break while we were baking cookies on one of the days Sirius was over at Moony's "I haven't gotten any more Lilly letters. Want to explain that?" i wish i could have sensed the humor in her voice the happy undertone but i didn't. the only thing i could focuse on was the ice in my veins.

"well, I umm" I shifted as i tried coming up with the right words, something i normally am flawlessly at "I haven't been uh doing any 'big romantic spectacles' lately."

She smiled as she mixed the bowel of batter "Uh huh why is that?"

I scratched the back of my head unable to look her in the eye "I well um really uh don't want to talk about it."

My mother let out a resigned sigh as she asked "Did something happen sweety?"

"No, just I don't know."

She scooped the batter on to the cookie sheet "Please don't lie to me James."

"I'm not."

"James."

"Mom I just..." I wished she wouldn't be so worried, i wished she wouldn't worry so much "Lilly is no longer an option, and I didn't want her to be."

She set down the scooper turning my to look at she as she kept pressing "But Hun you have been I love with this girl for years your first week of school you sent a letter raving about her-"

"I'm over it mom. Believe me look me in the eye as I tell you I no longer want Lilly."

She pressed her lips into a thin line looking unconvinced "okay just don't do anything you will soon come to regret."

"yeah okay." I knew she wasn't convinced but she never did bring it up again. Maybe I wanted her to a little, maybe I didn't. All my feelings at the time felt like a maybe with a level of uncertainty to them an unsteady that scared me though I would never show it.

My parents prided are family on being Nobel brave Gryffindor's; noble brave Gryffindor's don't show sadness or weakness, noble brave Gryffindor's don't show fear, noble brave Gryffindor's don't fall for sneaky sarcastic Slytherins.

Maybe being a noble brave Gryffindor didn't seem so nice now.

The days Sirius was at my house there was something in the air I could not pinpoint. We still did all the things we always did when he could escape to my house we pranked muggles, we went to the local cinema, we chased stray cats in our animagi forms normally Sirius would hit on muggles left and right but this year he didn't every time a girl would complement him or ask him out he just got uncomfortable I wished he would tell me why but I didn't push he didn't give.