To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

Reviled Mistakes (sirius pov)

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ha, you thought you were getting a jegulus chapter.

so this is not a wolfstar centric fic there relation ship barely gets explored and they only get a few pov's rarely after this. this fic is jegulus and pandalilly centered.

tw: past family trauma (including when sirius ran away that scene), general emotional distress, vilonce, i think a splash of hemophobia (i think). 

this chapter is really just sirius's take on everything (but jegulus because he's blinder then james with out his glasses)

now after all that siri pov

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The night I ran away it was pouring rain, my uncle carried me to my best friend's house after asking if I had anywhere safe to go; the Potter's was the first thing that came to mind. After that my memory goes in and out, I remember miss potter telling me I was living with them and sometimes Uncle Alfred, I remember talking to James under the tree, I remember how guilty I felt. Not just about intruding on the potter once quite lives but about regulus.

He was too weak for that house, and I knew it, but the problem was I was also too weak. We both needed to get out but when the time came, I left, and he didn't. That doesn't mean I stopped thinking about him, he always seemed to be lingering in the dark corners of my mind, waiting, for what I don't know.

It also felt like the second I got to the potters James was different, almost uncomfortable, unnatural, I missed my best friend, I did, but it felt like he was slowly hiding from me. I felt like an outsider. Too dark for the light colorful world that was the potters as if I was a drip of black ink on a rainbow page.

All my fear and anger over time turned into something more tangible, stronger. Anger took over my mind at my family, at reg, at all the fucked-up purebloods, looking back that is the day I told myself I would fight with Dumbledore in the coming war, I know I would have before as well, but then just then I knew that is where my future lye.

Just as my anger settled, forming a new foundation in my mind, it was time to go back to school.

That was the first time I saw reg, snape was picking on a first year so me and James went to sort the slime ball out that's when Lilly showed up – she always did- but regulus oddly was lingering at the door frame. When he opened his mouth, he no longer left like my scared baby brother but the cold black hair I made him become. If he only just went with me.

The day on the train he had just left so abruptly.

After he was gone my mind raced with questions and thoughts that I had run off to the marauder's empty compartment and elementally broke down sobbing. James was soon on my tail begging me to tell him what was going on with regulus. I didn't know why he cared so much but nevertheless I spilled. He learned about so many story's so many memory's with my brother like the nightmares he had and how he always crawled into my bed at night when he was scared, how I taught him to play quidditch how he kept falling, I told him about the aftermath with andromeda, I told him everything tears fell from the both of us and when I was done all he asked was "then why does he hate you?"

The question had floated in my mind for some time I never could figure it out I never seemed to be able to connect the dots "I wish I knew."

James just looked me in the eye, standing up. "Where are you going?" I asked whipping a stray tear, "finding out why he hates you." He said it so simply that before I could say anything, he diapered behind the sliding door. Remus found me after that and made me feel better, but he always did.

I wish I had seen it sooner I wish I hadn't wasted so much time before the incident. I wish me and marline never happened but at the end of last year Remus felt like too much I couldn't do it, so I started dating marline to try and hide those fucked up feelings. She is great, don't get me wrong she's a great friend. Friend, nothing more. Every time we kissed, I suppressed a gag again nothing to do with her, but she just wasn't Remus.