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Okay this chapter picks up when James and Lilly were arguing a little back
tw: mild family conflict and an unhappy relationship from one side
"Take that leap, take the risk, fallow that beacon, fallow that light, fallow the happiness that inspires in a new life." James stormed off heading up the boy's dorm stairs leaving me in the common room. The old James would never do that, I hate this new James, it's like all the ass hole parts consumed him whole and killed any of the good shit. And a 'new life' like what the hell is that? You can't have a new life that is not how it works, you can't just leave everyone behind and start fresh, not even taking anyone with you, you can't leave everyone else stuck and not knowing how to get out.
You can't leave them with the sister who hates them, or the former best friends turned evil, you can't leave them with the stress of owls, and the death eater attacks directed to people like them, you can't leave someone with the shitty girlfriend or the werewolf best friend who is going to rip himself to shreds the next day. That's not fair, nothing is fair anymore, nothing has been fair for a long fucking time.
I huffed walking to my own dormitory, he can't just do that, no one is supposed to do that.
I opened my dormitory door reviling Marline to be gone again, but she was always gone these past few months, she never told us where she went, we never asked. I looked down to Mary asleep in her bed, I went over to her, sitting on the edge of her mattress, she stirred awake as I tucked a stray hair behind her ear. "Hey." she whispered barely opening her eyes, she sounded so happy I could only wish to match that. "Hey." I pressed a smile to my lips.
"You, okay?" she asked, hooking our pinkies together.
"Yeah, go back to sleep."
"No protest here." She turned back, burying her face in her pillow. I smiled to myself thinking about that first kiss at the end of fourth year. It was stupid and clumsy but life altering, it's not that I hadn't kissed girls before, but I had never kissed Mary Mcdonald before my best friend since that first night at the castle. Her kind eyes and soft smile sticking in my mind so often, those thoughts then turned to her skin agents mine, or my hand in tanged in her hair. So, we then kissed didn't didn't stop.
We kept snogging, but it soon became a regular thing between marline going off with Sirius (who had just started a relationship), our trio soon merging with the marauders, my hatred for James Potter melting, Remus and I becoming closer and closer, Sev and I drifting further and further, we somehow made since in the chaos.
We were both happy at first, I loved the excitement and newfound feelings. We had just turned 15, we were stupid kids, that's what I'm trying to say.
I was turning 16 at the end of the month now almost a year since that kiss.
We were off during my birthday party that year we were just walking and then we got close then close became closer until I could taste her cherry chapstick agents my pumpkin spice one.
I left Mary's bedside changing into pants and an oversized band t shirt. The night passed as all I could think about was a werewolf Remus tearing himself to shreds the next night. I imagined howls then screams or blood and cuts, gore upon gore. He was my best friend; how could he have to go through that bullshit?
I woke up that night in a cold sweat as I cast a silencing charm like it were a reflex then I let the tears flow. After I showered and changed, I went down to breakfast alone after Mary and Marline left. I looked outside to find the snow outside reaching up to past my ankles as I longed for warm days of summer or at the beach side.
This past summer I spent all my time avoiding my sister with letters and visits from Mary, it was only then I started calling her my girlfriend, it was only then she stopped flinching at the word. Soft kisses beach side and trips to muggle Londen filled the months until we went back to school. Durning that first week marine walked in on Mary and I snogging, she was fine with us as a couple but ever since then we snogged at a minimum.
I entered the great hall looking to James at the Slytherin table, there was a strange twinge of sadness in my chest as I walked over to Remus and asked him if he was feeling okay to which he responded cheekily, "a step closer to death never better."
I smiled and hit him with a piece of toast as he managed a small smile, "but really how are you feeling?"
"I have been better," he shrugged "don't worry about me okay."
"it's hard not to." I pushed a plate of food towards him, he picked at a strawberry as he said, "I've been told."
"Oh, don't forget our study group is staring up next week."
He put on another forced grin I deep down wished he would drop "Eye, eye captain."
"Shut it" he smiled "I heard they are letting new people in."
"Ha, that's rare."
"I know."
Remus and I got into the study group in 3rd year. We were both top in our class- like everyone in the group- and it was one of the hardest study groups to get into. The group went back to the beginning of Hogwarts often letting out some of the greatest wizards of our time including albus Dumbledore himself. It was harder to get the then the slug club – which I was a part of but not Remus.
I caught James's eye for a brief moment before he turned talking to regulus black (a rather odd pair they made in my opinion). I remember all the awful romantic gestures James used to make; I remember how upset they made Mary, I remember her tears being greater than mine at times, how much I hated James Potter.
The last thing he pulled was the sky wrighting shit, I was so pissed off at the time, I thought we could finally be friends but no he had to go all James Potter and fuck it all up. I don't think I have ever been as happy as when Mary told me she talked to him.
I remember how a few weeks after whole someone saying mud blood thing and how utterly broken that made me feel. I mean it wasn't even about me why did it make me feel so fucking shitty. Why did I Iet it get to me so much? Why did I even care? I remember how Mary ran after me, making me feel better, I remember how kind she acted, how gentle she was, holding my hand, stroking my hair. Her soft smile and dark brown eyes staring into mine.
Me and Remus soon left the table going to our first class of the day, it went as it always did boring and useless nothing, I hadn't already read in the textbook. The day stretched on with me acting so worried for rem but trying too hard to hide it. Remus would just smile and make some dark joke, probably something he and the marauders did quite a lot in their days. Luch came and went the same with dinner. Night grew closer and closer looming over us inviably, it sent shivers down my spine.
Remus kept looking to all the marauders through dinner well, other than Sirius who was nowhere to be found.
After dinner it was a ticking clock to the night.
I didn't want him to go, I didn't want him to get hurt, but there was nothing I could do, not that I hadn't tried, I tried so hard. A potion, a spell, anything, something just something, I looked through book after book wrought letter after letter even asking the headmaster, but there was nothing. How was there nothing?
I looked over to my best friend as we sat on the couch, and I couldn't suppress the memories of what ever happened after Christmas break. I had spent the week at Mary's trying to avoid my family, her parents were great, she was out to them, she had done it over the summer. I tried to do it with my parents. I tried to just get the words out for almost 2 years now but every time I came close I just couldn't. After Marline found out about Mary and I then, James did as well came the first person who took it poorly; Sev. I don't even know how he found out but when he did, he started calling us all these things and then the first spell was through, not by Sev but by James.
The day we were back from break something was wrong, something changed, Sirius was locked in the dorm, James was disappearing, peter seemed lost, I could find Remus. When I saw Sirius, I asked and he yelled at me saying he was in the hospital wing, but Madam Pomfrey never let me in. I tried talking to James who said the same thing, so I snuck in. Well not snuck in - the door was locked so I just picked it. (Yes, I forgot there was a spell for it)
Remus told me he was a werewolf. He told me about all the full moons and how painful they were, he told me how he was bitten and when, he told me about how the marauders became animagi, he told me about the prejudice in the wizarding world. He told me everything. I held him as he cried, I whipped his tears as he told me about what Sirius did and how much Remus loved him and how he hated that now.
"I got to go." Remus says getting up from the couch. "Weight" I tugged his hand pulling him into a hug wrapping him in my arms trying not to hold on so tight that it hurts. "Please be careful."
"I can't control it."
"Just try."
He sighed "anything for you Lills."
He whipped a tear I had no idea it was there from my cheek, why the hell was I crying I wasn't the one on the verge of death. But I was scared I was so scared, I couldn't lose him, not yet please not yet.
He left after that heading down to the shrieking shack, I had half a mind to follow him, but after several munities of debating settled agents it.
I tried reading but that didn't work, I tried talking to Mary but that didn't help, I tried studying but I got nothing, I tried finishing some essays but made no progress. I tried and tried but I could get it off my mind.
I ended up lying in bed my head under a pillow doing my best to snuff out the sounds of howls in the distance.
Recently my life has felt miserable, maybe that is an exaggeration. I know there are people whose lives are far worse off but I still can't seem to find happiness anymore. New life, new life, new life, new life, new fucking life. Like what does that even mean?
I rolled over, looking to Mary laying in her bed, a small bit of drool falling from her lip. She was beautiful, that was a fact, but recently every shared kiss felt dull in a way, as if the magic was gone. I knew I loved her and she loved me... But love was supposed to be this big, beautiful, grad thing but it just wasn't, it didn't feel like a big momentous part of my life, it didn't feel important anymore.
Boring feels so insensitive but it was.
It was dull, it wasn't always, at first it was everything. Even stolen kiss was grand and important it felt impotent but now? I don't even know now.
I fell asleep to the sounds of howls in the distance picking apart every aspect of my life as I tried not to break down.
New life...
~o~
The sun peered through the window as I woke up, full moon my brain echoed. Full moon, I rolled over not getting out bed, full moon, it didn't click FULL MOON! Remus!
I jumped out of bed not even brushing my teeth or changing as I ran down the halls. Remus, full moon, new life, Remus, full moon, new life, Remus, full moon, new life, Remus, full moon, ne- "shut up!" I yelled aloud. I cupped my hand over my mouth realizing that wasn't in my mind. I swallowed the lump in my throat. He will be fine I told myself, he has to be.
I swung open the hospital wing doors with a loud clang, "Miss Evans" Madam Pomfrey scolded. "Where is he?" I asked approaching the old women.
"Miss Evans," she huffed setting down a silver tray of potions "I need you to-"
"Where is he... please."
She sighed looking me up and down arms crossed "3rd bed on the left."
"Thank you."
"You have 20 munities."
"Deal." I said headed to my best friends bed side he was wide away and looking pale, there was a bandage around his torso stained red, but other than that he looked fine, or as fine as one could be after reshaping their bones, becoming a wolf, almost killing himself, being forced to be around the people he try's so hard to push away for hate, and being awake at 5:30. "oh my god." I through myself into his rms wrapping him in a hug, he hissed with pain, I pulled back saying "sorry are you okay do you need anything a-"
"Lills I'm fine."
"don't lie." in truth he did look a lot better than after the last one. How much did the marauders help? I couldn't help but wonder as I made a mental note to reperch more later in the library.
"Okay fine..." huffed out taking a small sip of water "I feel like I died, and my body was thrown around in a river for hours. Better?"
"Much."
We talked for the rest of our 20 munities until Madam Pomfrey ushered me out of the hospital wing, I spent the rest of the morning alone, I didn't find peter or James or Sirius at the great hall for lunch in fact only James showed up for afternoon classes. Remus was let out the next day and slowly carried on like nothing happened.
Every day after that was the same packed with Remus, 'studying' with Mary, and talking to marline every once in a while. It all felt so bland. Utterly bland. Nothing interesting or exciting happened, nothing worth mentioning, nothing felt extraordinary, there was just nothing. New life...
How do you get a new life when you're stuck?
Mary and I planned a date for the next Hogsmeade weekend which all were getting canceled for the weather, she kept rambling on and on about quidditch about the season and the players, on one of these nights when she was going on and on about this and I was zones out staring out a window "Lilly are you even listening." she asked me snaping me from my thoughts.
"what's your favorite book?" I asked, but she only chuckled "What?"
"what's your favorite book?"
She rolled her eyes smiling next to me "Lills we were talking about the upcoming quidditch-"
"Answer the question please." I squeezed her hand just wanting one thing, one answer.
"I don't read" she responded, "you know this."
Who the fuck doesn't read! "Oh, right sorry, ah carry on."
She leaned over nudging me with her elbow "Are you going to pay attention this time?"
"Yes."
She kissed my cheek smiling "No, you're not."
I smiled brushing her cheek "No I'm not.'
She kissed my lips as I briefly let my eyes flutter shut as if looking for meaning in the moment "you're lucky your pretty Evans." she said pulling away "That goes for you too MacDonald." She smiled, disappearing behind the curtains of her bedpost. But I couldn't help but feel empty. I should feel something, right? Like flirting with my girlfriend should have sent shivers down my spine making a blush creep on to my cheeks as I bite back a smile, but it was just plain dialogue, not meaning anything, not changing anything, not feeling anything. I should have felt it, I should have felt that feeling of love, but I just didn't. I cannot explain it. I couldn't even pinpoint when the feelings left, I know it was there once upon a time, and it wasn't like it was one single moment the feelings stopped, all I know, all I could figure out was that they no longer felt there.
I felt lost. I felt inconceivably lost. Like my life was pointing in five different directions and I couldn't choose which one was right, or like I wasn't meant to choose which ones, as if they're all wrong or the right one hadn't opened yet. "Love you." Mary said from behind the curtain. "Goodnight."
"Night..." I cleared my throat "love you too." sighing and flopping back down to my bed and wanting to let out a scream of frustration. As if doing that would make everything fine.
But nothing was fine.
Everything had changed, I don't even know if I liked the change or not, I know I don't like how James is acting, I know I don't like Sirius's distance, or how absent Peter was, I don't like how Marlene keeps disappearing every night going to God knows where like everyone was just living their own lives.
I remember countless nights we all spent laughing in the common room about nothing and everything at the same time. I remember the study sessions that would go on for hours and the others practically dragging us out of the library. I remember the shared meals and laughs. I remember when it felt whole not fractured or cracked. Like when there's still feelings there still motion, now it's just nothing.
~O~
The rest of the week passed until it hit Saturday. Me and Remus went to breakfast as we always did, made the same boring conversation as we always did, then we headed down to the library, each with far too many textbooks, paper and quills with pens. Because quills are stupid.
Me and Remus took the same seats we did every year sitting next to each other in the back row and Frank and Alice took the table in front of us (They were the only other people we knew directly in the group). They waved to us, murmuring small hellos. We repeated the actions doing the same in a kind manner. I suppressed rolling my eyes at the mediocrity of the interaction.
Emmeline Vance -the current runner of the study group being in her 7th year- Stood on top of a table in the front of the library. Madam Prince normally left the library around these times, knowing our festivities and then following silences wouldn't be a problem. We never damaged books or stole from the library; we never were too loud or too quiet. After her years of being here dealing with the study group she just left us alone.
Vance cleared her throat, catching our attention and a wind of silence falling over all of us. There are only about 30 in the study group but that spanned across all years and all houses, we were all at the top of the school. The brightest minds of our generation or at least that's what the teachers called us. "Ladies and gentlemen," she said "welcome to yet another of the Study Club." Applause and small chairs followed that statement as she smiled in a very Slytherin Pure Blood Manor, one that would normally make my blood boil. "As you may or may not be aware, we are welcoming some new members to the study group. Two to be exact. One a Slytherin in his 4th year. And a Ravenclaw also in her 4th year. Both from notable pure blood families and the highest in their classes each in The Sub Club and in Slughorn pristine Potions class. Please Give us an applause for Regulus Black and Pandora Letsrange."
Of course, it was Those two, pure bloods always get anything they want, never having to work for anything a day in their lives. I put on a fake smile, clapping with everyone else. I hate pure bloods. Mary particularly hated Regulus Black, often saying that he just bought his way onto the Quidditch team and could catch the snitch because of his broom, and how he held no real talent. I knew nothing much of the guy but being a supportive girlfriend, I am we shared the hate for the heir. Not to mention he was Sirius's little brother, most of us forgot he had a brother to be honest.
I never met Pandora Lestrange directly but in my first year I got relentlessly bullied by Rubash and Rudolphus, her two brothers. So, there was some build up resentment against the girl too.
They entered the room looking as if they were better than everybody else here. You know, everyone who was not a pureblood had to work to get here, not just hand it on a silver platter. The pair looked genuinely shocked at people's applause. The Raven haired boy seemed to recoil at all the people I couldn't help but roll my eyes but then Pandora Lestrange entered the room.
And my heart stopped.
She's gorgeous, that was a fact, light hair with even lighter skin, pale blue eyes that seem so cunningly gentle. She wore more bracelets and necklaces than I can count, each coated with some sort of rock or crystal. There was a stray flower hidden tucked behind her ear that I don't even know how it was alive in this weather. Her backpack hung on one arm plastered and buttons and patches each showing some of their magical place. She had a perfect wide smile on her lips that was just memorizing. Her hair was French braided back, some straight strands floating in the air, shining in the light.
I could feel my breath catch in the back of my throat and a small blush rose on my cheeks. As the pair in the year below us sat at the table next to me and Remus.
How was everybody not staring at her? Gorgeous and perfect and light and Something, she was something, she was a feeling. She wasn't boring. She wasn't numb. She was the complete opposite. She was weird, quirky and exciting. She was interesting and odd. She was different. She was a change. She was, she was....
Emily cleared her throat again, all of our attentions heading back to her as she smiled again in her perfect smile that seemed to pale in comparison to Pandora's. "Yes, yes, we always love welcoming new members. Let's see if they can meet the quota. All right, so here is to another great year of the study group." Claps and cheers followed that as people began taking their seats.
Pandora and Black seemed to look at each other, some hidden message going through them as they both pulled out the copy of the same Charms book. I couldn't keep my eyes off them as they exchanged notes, taking new ones down, or highlighting with muggle highlighters. I must have been visibly gawking because Remus taped my shoulder and asked me. "You good Lills?"
I shook my head trying to blink away the image "Oh. Yes, I am... Yes."
"Yeah, sure. You look like you just saw a Thestral."
"No, I'm..." my eyes drifted to the girl of the table next to us as I shook my head, looking down at some stray notes. "I'm fine, rem." He nodded, going back to his book, jotting down a few notes in the margins.
For the rest of the setting group, my eyes kept falling back to the pair as they whispered, taking notes, saying very few words. The study seshions end after couple hours, It's quite loosely structured. However long you can be there you are there. If you needed help, you talked to someone at the table next to you or behind you. It was spent mostly in silence, sometimes the stray record playing classical music in the background. The library was unbothered and untouched by people not in the study group for those few unknown hours.
After about four hours cramming our brains with information, personally, trying to get the best OWL score that I could. The session naturally came to an end as people grew tired or hungry. One by one, we all slowly started packing up our things. I took one last glance at the blonde-haired beauty that sat at the table next to us. She caught my eye and smiled, waving slightly. My heart skipped a beat as I awkwardly did the same.
The Slytherin tapped her on the shoulder nodding towards the door as she broke out into a full grin. I walked over to James Potter, who stood leaning on the doorway with a cocky smile that seemed all too genuine for the current state of his friendships or former friendships as Remus So claimed.
James smiled, saying some words I couldn't hear to the pair, making them both laugh lightly. Regulus rolling his eyes, biting back a smile. Pandora said something that made their eyes both light up before the three of them left the room not concerned by anything else.
I couldn't keep the fair Girl out of my mind for the rest of the day. One thought echoed through my mind, constantly eating away at me... New fucking life.
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uodating friday