-
Tw: none other then loosing friends (i guess thats a trigger for some) and crying ish
-
The full moon hung high in the sky looming over us all. I a stoic stag, ran through the night accompanied by a harsh wolf I called friend, a shaggy dark dog, and a small quant rat. The wolf howled towards the sky as it chased the dog. My thoughts were simple short curt, I wasn't weighed down by my complicated feelings or thoughts of my human form. Sounds and smells grew louder and greater filling those corners making the world seem great and colorful again. The deep night full of sharp wind and the sweet lingering smell of fallen snow filled our senses as we ran through the night.
The rat sat between my horns squeaking with every jump or hop, sometimes burying itself into my fur when the wolf and dog played a little too viciously.
We ran over to a small near frozen lake that sat in the middle of the forest, its emerald green waters being a frequent place of rest on long full moon nights in the past. The wolf and dog ran acrost the large rotting long that had fallen acrost the lakes bed years back. They barked and howled as I huffed and snorted taking the rat on laps around the body of water. I laid down by the shore taking a drink of the bitter green cold water, the liquid ran down my throat stinging as I swallowed. The dog ran over to me with the wolf on its tail. The shaggy beat pawed at me before I got back up joining in the game.
We soon ran back to the shack, dashing through trees, passing by small Woodland creatures, we lead the wolf away from a small village that sat next to the vast forest, we kept the rat with us with the dog and I taking turns carrying it on our backs. The wolf grew wary on returning to the shack as it always did but something was different this time, I did not think anything of it in my animal state.
We finally dragged the wolf back, closing the door behind us with a sharp kick. The walls were stained with the wolfs blood, the wood was cracked or decaying, it smelled of harsh blood and urine, fur sat fallen on the ground, sharp scratched pledged the furniture and wallpaper. It was unnerving to me, and the wolf seemed to agree.
As the sun began to rise, taking the place of the moon and stars, the wolf howled in pain as we left it in a small room alone, as howls turned into screams and screams turned into sobs, the dog turned into a human, the rat doing the same. But I had a strange newfound urge to stay in my animal form, life was simple, tragic memory's forgotten, but I soon fallowed my bones shifting and stretching, becoming the same person I always was, the same James Potter I always was.
Sirius dashed acrost the shrieking shack grabbing the loose comfortable clothing Remus always kept for after the full, he then disappeared into the room where a great wolf once stood. Peter laid panting on the ground; I leaned on the door frame letting the mountain of memory's wash over me.
It all started that morning; I woke up in the dorm to the eerily familiar sounds of my dorm mates the same dorm mates I once held over every once else. I huffed rolling to my side not wanting to wake up. Normally I played quidditch in the mornings before school but there were at least 5 inches of snow on the ground. I dragged my eyes open as the light blinded me, grabbed my glasses from my bedside table remembering the small argument with Sirius from the night before. Guilt settled in my veins as I dragged myself out from my bed stretching then dressing in my uniform knotting my tie under my collar. The red felt like it was choking me.
For the first time I took no pride in being a Gryffindor, for the first time the sight of the tie I had once been so fond of disgusted me.
Sirius stood bluntly in the middle of the room almost expectantly, peter laid on his bed looking sad in a way I had never seen him, moony was sat at the desk chair looking a strange mix of annoyed and pissed. Something was wrong, then I remembered as my eyes drifted to the calendar that hung on the fall; it was a full moon. Fuck.
Remus couldn't go alone, we all knew that much, we all knew he would rip himself to shreds otherwise, none of us liked that fact, none of us wanted it to be true. I think we all wanted to live separate lives forgetting about what we had once shared a lifetime ago- a month ago.
"James." Sirius said arms crossed.
"Black." I responded with a new edge I had begun picking up in Slytherin.
"you're going to ask him, aren't you?" peter chimed in looking sad no, not sad but sympathetic in a harsh uncomfortable way. It sent a chill down my spine.
"Ask me what?"
"Well, you know as well as I do" Sirius grumbled "that the full moon is tonight-"
Remus huffed from his place at the desk "and the idiot want you all to come with me."
"Okay." I shrugged.
"Okay?"
"Yeah okay."
"You just want to go out in the cold with a blood thirsty monster, risking your life-"
"Not a monster." I said taking a seat on the end of my bed as peter smiled.
"My god-" he grunted crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. I felt no sympathy we were coming with him. I knew he knew it; I knew he just didn't want to accept it.
"Rem, you know you will die without us." Sirius said and for the first time in what felt like a longer time then I truly was we were on the same side.
"Maybe I would rather die than you all being there."
"Now you're being dramatic." Sirius said still standing in the middle of the room.
"Am I?"
"Yes," Sirius responded making Remus's eyes roll "you always let us come before."
Remus broke out in a manic type of laughter more unhinged than Barty's, lacking the same sly tone as Dorcas, or the dreaminess od pandoras, without the same edge of Evan's, or the childness of regulus's true laugh, Remus was braking "Yeah, wonder what changed."
"Godric help me, how can you still be on this?"
"How can I still be on this?" Remus stood up heaving with anger, he was taller than Sirius making it seem as if he was towering over him, me and peter stayed on our beds silent.
"Yeah." Sirius responded straightening his back making him seem taller, but still not taller than Remus.
"How can you be off this?"
"Okay, okay." I cut in making then both shut up and stare at me anger now redirected "Remus it is ultimately your choice who you want there we respect that... but then again..."
"no one wants you to die Remus." peter tried.
"Let us come." Sirius begged.
"no."
"People need you rem."
"No, they don't." my heart sunk as tears threatened to break out from behind his eyes. "Lilly dose." something I wouldn't have been able to say a year ago without jealousy.
"What does she have to do with this?" Remus asked defensively.
"She can't have you dead rem."
"Let us come," peter argued "if not for you for... Lilly."
He huffed "that's not fair."
"Yeah, neither was Sirius telling snape but here we are." Sirius's eyes sunk at my comment but I couldn't find it in myself to care much about that.
We sat in silence for a moment Remus seeming to think "don't be late." he finally said a smile spreading acrost my face. "Okay."
One by one we each left the room, each more stiff and awkward and stiff than the last. There was a twinge of hope in my gut that I couldn't help but hate. Breakfront went idly with me not being able to peal my eyes off the marauders- former marauders- regulus must have picked up on this but I didn't feel like it at the time.
I was so lost in my head that after then I didn't even realize I hadn't seen Regulus after that.
No, that wasn't told to me until dinner.
So that's what brought me to the shack, it went more awkwardly than normal, but that was the least of our worries. Don't ask me what brought it upon us to leave the shack, but I don't regret doing so. The cold snow on my fur falling through the sky, the cold wind circling though the air, the dry coldness picking at my ears. It was like an ice plunge.
It went oddly normally after that as if all was forgiven, like the marauders were back, pathetically I felt as if we were.
At first the wolf was standoffish, hitting padfoot agents a wall, trying to eat Wormtail, I having to hit Remus with my antlers. That seemed to keep him at bay. The wolf soon settled, finding our scents no longer feeling threatened. We ran though the forest hitting every well-known spot, only having one close call with the village. Looking back, I may have been rather stupid to exit the shack, but I don't regret it. I got one piece of that old life back and that felt like enough.
We each transformed back, Sirius dashed off with Remus's cloths, peter lying on the ground panting, I stood leaned agents a door frame. I couldn't help but let myself think about regulus how much I couldn't wait to see him, how his hair got all jostled after he woke up, the slight flush of his cheeks in the cold, sadly his freckles faded, the- "James!" peter said snaping me from all my thoughts.
"Sorry what?"
He shook his head to the side still out of breath "you okay mate?"
"Yes," I ran my hand through my hair soft murmurs coming from the other room "why?"
He laughed "nosebleed."
"Shit."
"Yeah shit." He huffed out another fit of laughter. I smiled with him cupping my nose into my sleeve absorbing the blood. We stayed like that for a few moments later the blood stopped, only the stains of my sleeve being any evidence it happened. We both looked to each other simultaneously getting up heading to the other room.
Remus lay on the floor head in Sirius's lap sobbing as Sirius ran his hand through the other boy's sandy hair, he whispers soft things only for Remus to hear, Remus had on a cozy looking oversized jumper as blood fell from his open wounds. It stained Sirius's hands but he didn't seem to care I don't think anything would bother him jut then.
This went on for a while tear after tear fell, drip of blood after drip of blood stained the floor, kind word after kind word were spoken. The sun now hung high in the sky; we expected Madam Pomfrey to come but we never heard her soft steps creep up the stairs. "t-t this... can't happen again." Sirius looked heartbroken "moons-"
"No! After some more sobs and a beat of silence he continued "get out."
The fate of the marauders was sealed right then we were never coming back and from the solumness that hung in the air we all knew it.
"GET OUT!" he said again much louder voice broken up. Sirius slowly stood up leaving Remus exiting the room with one final look before he was gone. No more padfoot. Peter pressed his lips into a small line before huffing and exiting. No more Wormtail. I was the last one here, I turned on my heels before leaving giving the bleeding wonderful person I once had the chance to call a friend goodbye. No more Moony.
I followed the other two from the shack peter and I far more close in step than Sirius. "you've changed." peter says in a low enough voice where Sirius would not hear.
"How?"
"The James I know would have stayed there kicking and screaming, you would never have let us fall apart-"
"I didn't let us fall apart."
"Yeah, I know but I guess you just have..." he shrugged looking forward "given up."
His words slowly crept in, haunting me. I haven't given up, I can't give up, James potter doesn't give up, brave noble Gryffindor's don't give up. Old thoughts and ways still lingered in my mind no matter how hard I tried to silence them.
Light shined in through the tree trunk, I walked away from the other 2 not even saying goodbye, as the tears threatened to fall. My steps echoed through the lone stone hallways as I crept into the Slytherin common room.
Tears began to fall as the dormitory door opened.
I fell into his arms as the tears fell.
No more prongs
~o~
Evan and Barty left the room immediately not even giving it a second thought. My mind raced with stupid thoughts and even stupider feelings; I wished I could just not feel anything at all just have the world go numb to have it be some much simpler.
He wrapped me in his arms taken ever stupid and fucking fragile part of me, every idiotic emotion about shit that really doesn't matter and keeping it as if it weren't stupid. "What happened mon soleil?" I dug my nails into his arms letting my tears fall into his jumper. I snook with every sob "how can it be gone..." I asked choking out the words helplessly.
"What is gone?" he pulled away cupping my cheek in his warm soft hands.my hand reached for his interlocking our finger as if it were my last lifeline, he was my last lifeline. Every other didn't want me. But he did.
"Everything." I choked out.
"I'm still here Jamise."
My heart ripped with the pain and grief a pain I had been burying and repressing looking for a new light even before the old one was extinguished "I know." more tears feel as my head feel to his chest clutching to my star.
"Who is gone James?"
I sobbed into his jumper "He said I gave up, I haven't I can't- that's not how..."
"Hey James, James look at me." the soothes brushing his hand over mine. "You have not given up, you know why." I pathetically shook my head. "Because your just starting James, you're just starting."
"Starting what?"
"Life, a real true life." But a real life means nothing when you prefer the easy fake ones. The ones when it was all good and everything was delt with, when you don't have to feel all this shit, when this shit doesn't hurt so much. "You don't live a true life." I argued.
"I know" he said stroking my hair "so do it for the both of us." he whispered the last part kissing my hair. I shook my head "I want it for the both of us." but he just smiled whipping another tear from my flushed face "I know mon soleil, I know."
~o~
We laid in regulus's bed his arms wrapped around my shoulder pulling me close, my head rested on his chest counting every breath he took. Leo sat on my lap as I stroked his fur, I was reading another muggle fantasy book, it was strange ever since the hobbit every few days I had a new book in my hand diving into a new world, one better than the world I was a part of. Regulus had opened a poetry book and every so often he would underline something with a pen or point to a line.
I don't know how long we were like this; I don't know how often a new wave of tears hit and I broke down sobbing again, regulus never jugging me.
"I got you mon soleil." he said once again at the end of another fit of tears, his arms were wrapped around me as we laid intertangles in blankets, my face hidden in his jumper once again.
I whipped my nose on my sleeve that still had a small blood stain "What does that mean?"
"What does what mean?"
"mon something."
He smiled that true regulus black smile "mon soleil?"
"Yes."
He smiled running his hand through my hair "my sun." I rolled overlooking him in the eye as the last tear dripped from my cheek. "I need one for you."
"A what for me?"
"a pet name."
He rolled his eyes affectionally "Absolutely not."
"Oh, come on."
"no."
"Please."
"no."
"Hey, I have had a rough day let me have this."
He sighed sitting with it for a moment before "fine."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Love." the words that lingered in my mind said out loud for the first time even though it may not have been the way I thought it would have. He smiled kissing the top if my head "I like that."
I smirked kissing his cheek "oh, really love?"
"yes, mon soleil."
~o~
"We need to go to classes."
"I know." but I didn't more a muscle and neither did he.
~o~
He was there for me, I never let anyone be there for me. It was new like everything with him was. He never judged, he never laughed, he never dismissed a stupid question or comment, he never told me to cheer up or smile, he never stopped caring, he never broke the parts of myself I gave to him. He always held me, he always wiped my tears, he always said the right thing though I doubt he thought so, he always made me feel loved and kept, he always called me mon soleil.
I couldn't help but wonder what the rest of the former marauders were doing, I wanted to ask regulus, but I knew not to, not yet. I would tell him I had too but not yet just not yet. I didn't want to push the little bubble we were in I didn't want to accidentally splash water on our burning flame. So I let myself explore those thoughts in the silence.
I thought of Sirius off alone roaming the castle maybe the guilt finally hitting or maybe it did hit maybe that's why he was so solum during the full maybe he finally let it hurt. I hoped he did.
Peter could be off with that Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw I often saw him with now, Regulus once told me the Hufflepuff was named Benjy Fenwick a prefect and quit until you get to know him much like peter, the Ravenclaw as a girl by the name Sibble Trelawney she claimed to be some kind of seer and apparently her and Pandora snogged at a Ravenclaw party not to long ago.
Remus would be in the hospital wing I know that much, I like to think he wasn't alone, I like to think that Lilly was by his side – which she very well may be- but I also liked to think that Mary or marine was also there. As if Lilly replaced me with her leadership and wit, Marine replaced Sirius with her carefree nature and silent or not so silent pain, Mary would have replaced Peter as she was the unseen trick of everything, they had though no one said it. I liked to think Remus still had people around him who loved him even if I wasn't one of them.
Because I was surrounded by someone who loved me or at least I hoped he did, I truly hoped he did.
"what's this?" he asked tugging at the red of my sleeve. "Oh, nothing."
"What are you keeping from my James?"
"It's still not for me to tell you."
"One day?"
"One day."
~o~
The morning passed like that with love, with calm, with safety. The rest of the group dragged us out for lunch and afternoon classes. When Minnie asked where I was, I just told her I overslept but she knew it was because of the full moon, she knew. She let me off with a warning. I later learned Reg got the same.
I didn't see Remus or Lilly at dinner, I also couldn't find Sirius, peter sat with his two people and I hoped for the best with the three of them I hoped they didn't get hurt in the same way, Marline skipped with Dorcas, and Mary sat with frank and Alice and I assumed they were talking about the quidditch practices starting at the end of the month.
No one knew if the night before that would always be the marauders, though it would never happen again. It was our one chance to go back to the way things used to be just the four of us. But that was gone erased in the old life we all held; we were all living new lives becoming new people.
No more Padfoot.
No more Wormtail
No more Moony.
No more Prongs.
No more marauders.
-
updating monday :)