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tw: guilt, voices, family trama, panic attack, fighting
The Black brothers and all their angst
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I'm done pretending everything is okay, I can't do it anymore, I tried I really tried but I can't do it. Ever since the full moon with the marauders it feels real, I feel it now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry I repeat over and over again from acrost the great all. I'm sorry I scream to the backs of their heads during classes. I'm sorry I want to shout as my best friend and brother whispering in the halls. I'm sorry I say to myself as I cry myself to sleep from behind a silencing charm.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry
I'm so, so sorry.
The weather was warming as quidditch practices began to start back up, I found myself watching my brothers practices every Tuesday and Thursday, but not baring going to the Gryffindor practices anymore. I hide in the library during Remus and Lilly study group, I watched peter and his 2 people during classes. I watched and watched and hoped and hoped.
I hoped I could go back; I hoped things could change, I hoped and hoped but nothing.
I was confused about James and my brother, I had no idea they had even met before, why were they enough for each other when I wasn't enough for either one of them, why did they get to make each other laugh, why did they get to be friends?
It was now two months since the prank and today, I walked through the stone halls to the hospital, my footsteps alone echoing through the halls. Filling my mind as I slowly began creeping forward. Just one step at a time. I tell myself that's it. Just one step at a time.
It was early. Way too early. No one was in the hospital wing, no one was in the hallways. No one was nowhere. I was like a ghost walking through an empty town, one that used to be so full of life and happiness was now just empty.
I quietly split open the hospital wing doors holding my breath unknowingly. I knew which bed he always was kept in after full moons it was the same one ever since first year. I had a small smile crept up on me at the familiarity of it all.
In second year before the rest of the others knew, one night after a full moon I shuck in the hospital wing looking through bed after bed until I saw him, and my heart dropped. The image of him still haunts my head sometimes. Little small Remus sandy haired, lanky, scrawny and blankly tall, lying unconscious, eyes closed, in the hospital in bed. Shifting ever so slightly as he was running from something. He was covered head to toe in bandages, some bits of red peeking through each of them. I remember the shock and horror as I connected the dots, I remember Madame Pomphrey dragging me out of there, I remember her kind words explaining everything, I remember how much I held my tongue when it came to telling the rest of the Marauders. Funny how I kept from James and peter, my family, my people, the ones I would die over. But couldn't help but tell Severus snape.
Just like that day all those lifetimes ago I Walked over to her Remus's bedside, pulling over the curtain. Always the third edge on the left, I thought to myself. I quietly not even letting the sound of my own footsteps escape me sat down at the chair that was always placed at his bedside. Once Upon a time, that chair was meant for me, and only me.
I just looked at his kind features, eyes running across every scar, I brushed a stray hair from his perfect face, ran my hand lightly across the scars that loomed there too. He doesn't deserve this, I bitterly thought to myself why did this happen to him? Of all people. This is Remus Lupin he was kind and gentle and perfect, never even harming a fly. Remus Lupin never wanted to hurt anyone or do anything out of line, not drawing any attention to himself. He never wanted to be some great big noble hero and he just wanted to be Remus Lupin. But the world never let them.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered to the asleep werewolf, as a cold drop of water rolled down my face. "I'm so, so, so sorry."
I sat there for a few more moments. Running through memory after memory, laugh after laugh, kiss after kiss over and over in my head as if past mistakes or past rights would make up for any of this. Why did I do it? The questions still ate at me every day. Because I didn't truly have an answer.
A sharp click of the door drew me from my mind and the final marks of tears ran down my face. I quickly got up from my seat. Giving him one last look as if it would change anything. I left the hospital wing but more and more uncontrollable tears again falling down my eyes. Why did I do it? Why? I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. As I walked my vision became dizzy, my ear began ringing as the voices of my family filled my mind, I eventually stopped falling against a wall. I covered my ears like it would drown the voices or ringing out, I tried to catch my breath as knots eat my stomach alive. Guilt and regret flooded my system, leaving some shattered scar.
"Hey, hey, breathe in. Just breathe in." Some voice lingered over me. I complied with its statements, taking two sharp breaths in and not doing anything. I felt the weight of someone else's presence drop next to me. As someone took my hand, squeezing it. It was familiar as if I had known it for years. I can't stop hyperventilating, unable to keep in any breath that I took as if they were supposed to help.
"All you have to do is breathe, in with me, Okay?"
I nodded, seeming like a child. My Mothers voice rain in my head over and over again like it had been doing these past few weeks, always nagging or yelling. You're just like us, a monster. I knew we had you why did you even bother leaving?
Just as the voices started again the figure said in a hushed voice only for me to hear "Don't listening to the voices Siri, they're wrong."
I hadn't felt like this in years, the mysterious figure breathed in I follow doing the same but much more shakily. We did this again, but that didn't mean the tears stopped, they still flooded through my eyes, the voices multiplying and raging in my head. "You're not like them Si." the stranger said again still clutching my hand and now rubbing soft stars on my back. "in." it commanded. I breathed in. "out." I let out a stream of air. "In the stranger commanded again. I did. And this went on for I don't know how long. The 4th or 5th time, I could feel the weight in my head lighten, the 5th or 7th my hands stopped shaking, the 8th or 9th the ringing died down.
Don't ask me how long I was on the floor with this mysterious person. Don't ask me how long until the voices became a quit whisper. Don't ask me how long it was until I could catch my breath. Don't ask me how long it was before the tears stopped. Or how long it was before I gained some poor sense of reality.
The stranger dragged me into an empty classroom as the soft echoes of hidden laughter filled the hallways one by one, each becoming louder and louder.
The person lit a candle lighting up the room, it smelled of lavender and lemons. It was only then I relised my eyes were still squeezed shut; I took another small breath as I slowly opened them reviling the last person, I thought would be there for me: my brother.
Even after all this time he still looks like a replica of me, some things were different, his features were softer and rounder, in a way. His hair much shorter than mine, but still longer than my mother would have wanted. Small freckles began picking back up on his skin. My eyes are more of a bluish Gray while his were a dark storm like grey. My tie red to his green. His messenger bag sat at his feet as he leaned against the table, not looking me in the eye. His presence was calming in a way like it hadn't been in years. "Reg?"
He shifted slightly, visibly uncomfortable. "Yeah?"
"What are you doing here?" I asked with an uncalled-for edge to my voice that had no right being there. He shifted slightly "Helping you."
"Why?" again with a sharp tone I couldn't seem to shake.
I wasn't mad at him I was almost never mad at him, but I don't know, I was sad and angry with myself, and he just looked so much like me. His expression changed back to the one I saw on that train all those months ago "Why?!" he exclaimed, offended.
"Yes why, you never once helped me before." It was a lie I know that, but he didn't know that I knew. I just wanted a reaction, a roll reg normally took.
"I never helped you?!" his voice raised.
My expression hardened as the tear stained faded "no you didn't" I feel bad about it looking back, I also felt bad about it in the moment. I projected anger, so much anger but I was so sorry and so hurt. I was just projecting on him, I know that now, I know that.
I didn't want my brother to fall in with the marauders, I didn't want him to be lost too. I had already lost him, but one thing bonded us that could never be erased; blood as my mother so often said blood is the strongest bond you can have with someone. I used to think that was bullshit, but all the stronger relationships fell through so why not? Reg was at least talking to me.
Regulus still stood with me in the mostly darkened classroom, I count make out the number of desks or the color of walls. The room felt warm though but maybe it was reg or maybe the lavender candle.
"You never helped me Sirius, I gave you everything" he yelled with a dooming mount of truth and anger "I gave you every moment and thought, every second, everything! And what did you do with it!?"
Guilt washed over me like night covering day "I-I don't know."
"You took it and ran" my brother shouted pouting at me "not giving me a second thought."
"That is not what happened."
"And you know why? Because I was this thing to you right, I was your little mold of Sirius Black."
I shook my head "that's not true."
"that's how everyone else saw me! I am always Sirius black's little brother! Even now!"
I took a step forward to the seeker "Because you are my little brother."
"I'm a copy." Tears threatened to fall from his eyes.
"No, you're not."
I griped his hand only now realizing he was shaking "Yeah, how is that?" he spit out
"If you were a copy, you wouldn't be a Slytherin! You would rebel not just give up and conform."
He shook his head trying to get out from my grip "They are our parents."
"And I'm your big brother, I raised you far more than they did."
He tugged his arm from my had as he went for the door "I'm leaving..."
"Reg-"
"I'm leaving!"
"You do not get to run away from this."
He spun around "Oh, so you're the only one allowed to run then?"
"Reg!" I caught his arm once again making him stop in his tracks "I-I'm..." I took a deep breath trying to rain in my emotions "I'm sorry."
He froze in shock "your... what?"
"I'm sorry," words I internally screamed at every one but my brother "I'm sorry I didn't take you with me, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, I'm sorry we were there in the first place, I'm sorry your still there, I'm sorry" tears treated to break through as I clutched his arm "I'm so, so, so sorry."
I looked over to him and couldn't help but think about how much taller my brother was compared to the night I ran away "Pull yourself together." he said a tear rolling down his freckled cheek.
"No, it just... I'm sorry I'm so so sorry." I wanted to scream it at everyone, I wanted them to know, I wanted to fix things, I just, I just... wanted to go back.
He laughed through more tears as he whipped his face with his robes "that's, that's all I wanted you to say." we were both crying, I don't think I had seen regulus cry since before I left Hogwarts.
"I want to start trying I want, I want to be in your life reg, even if it's not openly I just... I miss you."
Once again, he laughed sadly but sounding relived almost "I-I miss you to."
"I want to make it better."
"I do to."
We were both a mess, that was a fact, bot flushed and stained with tears, my brother looked to me struggling to ask, "What- what did you do to the marauders?" I expected a lot of questions but not that one. I smiled letting him go as I sat on a table "I fucked up."
He laughed a little still sad, still not a real Regulus laugh "Well, that's apparent."
"I told someone something I shouldn't have."
He claimed on the table next to me "Who?" my heart asked to tell him, but I couldn't do that again. I just relished this was the closest my brother and I had been to each other not curing the other in years. "I don't want to do the same ting twice."
He shook his head smiling "always the noble Gryffindor."
"Always the snarky Slytherin." I matched the unseen smile. We fell into another beat of silence. It wasn't uncomfortable but silence rarely was with reg.
"You really loved him, didn't you?" my brother said.
"Who?"
"Lupin, that's the good looking blond one, right?"
I smiled to myself responding with a newfound airiness to my tone "yeah the good looking blond one."
Regulus traced the good grain of the desk he was on not looking at me as he asked, "You loved him, right?"
I shrugged "Yeah, I guess I did."
"You guess?"
"We didn't get a lot of time." I thought back to the hurt in Remus's eyes that day two months ago.
"You never do with the ones you love."
I looked up to him "I want to have time with you."
"I can't promise that."
"I know but I just want my baby brother back."
"I know." the halls filled with footsteps and laughter from behind the locked classroom door. I loked over to Reggie as I asked, "Is he even still there?"
"I... I don't know."
"Can you find out?"
"I don't know."
He heart dropped "you don't know who you are do you?"
"This is too many emotions."
"I know."
He let out a small huff of laughter "Can you please make some poor attempt at a joke right now?"
"You're ruining the moment reg."
"I know."
I whipped another tear from my face as I tucked my hair back from my face "Fuck we are both a mess."
He laughed, he actually laughed "completely." I was so proud for a moment, so happy. He laughed and I made my baby brother laugh. I smiled and asked "So, are we good?"
He shook his head "No, not yet."
"Will we be?"
"I don't know.'
I slowly got off from the table my brother doing the same "Can we try?"
"Yes."
"When do we start trying?"
He got his bad the keychains clicking together as he said, "Find me after the next quidditch match."
"Find you?"
"Find me."
"Okay."
On his way out I yelled "and don't think we aren't talking about those friends of yours." he flipped me off as the door snaped shut and I smiled to myself, for these brief moments I felt normal, as if I didn't fuck up my whole life. My gilt momentarily left but when it came back it was quieter, less real. He told me to not listen to the voices. I remember when he was 9, I was 10 and he came to my room and told me about how he could hear mother scolding him in his head, and how he couldn't sleep because of it. I remember how he climbed into my bed and how I told him about the voices I heard. That's when we started calling them the voices, we were kids, we are kids, through in a life that was far too much for us.
We always used to have each other, why not again?