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TW: panic attack (not reg or james)
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"SLYTHERIN." the hat bellowed for the fourth time in a row. Sirius ground and leaned over to Remus whispering "Another death eater then?" Remus smiled and whispered back "Most defiantly." As the clapper died down and another young first year went up to the hat I couldn't help but steal another glance at the young black heir at the next table over.
It was odd, from the second he pulled out a book and seemed to zone out I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Thankfully Sirius didn't notice a thing. After Marline came and sat over with us the rest of the girls joined her; Sirius split his time between talking to Marline and Moony. Marline and Sirius had started dating at the end of last term ever since then Moony had acted weird around her and every time Sirius talked to her, he would either look at his hands or just leave. I'm not sure that Sirius picked up on that fact though.
The young newly appointed black heir for the first time that meal looked up from his book and briefly caught my eye. Butterflies filled my stomach as I quickly looked away, but I could feel the entertaining burn of his gaze lingering on me.
"James? James?!" Wormtail called from the seat next to me. "Sorry wormy? What?" he rolled his eyes and said, "Evans has been sitting with us for at least ½ an hour and you haven't even noticed."
Why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I notice? The girl I have been chasing after for 5 years was right next to me and I didn't do a thing. Normally if we were in the same room, I would be... I don't even know how to describe it. She made me crazy I could never get her off my mind she was my mind. But it just hit me that I hadn't even thought about her since Sirius ran away. It was like it made me see that there are bigger worries than what beautiful smart amazing Lilly Evans thinks of me.
I fancy Lilly. Hell, I have publicly declared my love for her more times than I can count, almost every summer I would be talking my mother's ear off about her but then Padfoot came to live with us and... it felt like everything clicked into place. Like I was using my crush on Lilly to distract myself from the really fucked up things that were going on around me. My best friend was abused by his parents every brake, my other best mate was a fucking werewolf and would tear himself to peace's every month, 2 of my best friends and I became animagi to keep are other friends was on the verge of death every month. And then there was Lilly. It almost felt like she didn't fit.
Why did I even start to like Lilly in the first place? I was in first year! I didn't know shit so why did I decide to make some random pretty girl I didn't even know the center of the universe? Moony would call it infatuation I had decided to claim it as love. But was it? WAS IT?!
Fuck.
"James?" peters voice cut in "you seemed a little zoned out their mate." peter began to dig into his pork chops as I scoped out some salad onto my plate. I stopped eating meat after I became an animagi. I will spare you the details on what steak did to my stomach.
"Sorry worms I just am not feeling great."
"Well just eat your plant shit and smile were back at Hogwarts." yep James Potter aways having to be happy and never allowed to have a difficult day. Peter went back to his pork chop no longer caring about me and I forced myself to look at the lettuce on my plate not the seeker acrost the room that my eyes seemed to naturally drift to. I didn't think anything of it.
"So?" marline asked clutching Sirius's hand on the table "what is your guy's first prank back goanna be?"
"Well if we tell you McKinnon, we will have to kill you." I say putting back on my happy front. This earned a dry laugh from the group, notably Lilly, and the sight caused butterflies to fly through my stomach, an act I still don't know whether it was forced or not. We have only been back a day I'm sure it's nothing, I'm still mad for Lilly. I told myself as the rest of the meal went on.
Sirius and marline still held hands, Remus still was fixated on his hands, Mary and Lilly were still talking each other's ear off, peter was still insulting my taste in food, and I could still feel a certain Slytherins gaze on me ever occasionally, and I still stole some glances myself.
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After the sorting with far too many kids going to Slytherin Moony and Lilly went to do their prefect shit and show the new kids the dorms. Marline and Mary went to their dorm leaving Wormy, pads and I to our own dormitory with no Moony. Which is never a great idea.
With in about 5 munities of being back in are dorm there was already muggle silly string covering the walls, peters bed had been transfigured into a dog, padfoot (in his dog form) peed on the door, the ceiling was charmed with a magical dragon dancing through it, and so much fucking more...
And umm... let's just say Moony was not exactly pleased when he came into the dorm.
"What did you fucking morons do to the room!" he yelled. The words seemed like a question, but we thankfully knew better than to answer. We used to in our early years at school. Which in retrospect wasn't the best idea given how good at curses Moony is.
He eventually made us clean it up but not before a blanket fort was made in the middle of the dorm.
Late that night we got to planning our next prank Moony pushing us to do something with transfiguration Sirius wanting to do charms and I wanting to pull something on the Slytherins. We ended up in a debate on who should go to the kitchens to get the snacks for the night (because the way things were going, we would not be done for a very long time). "I vote prongs." Moony shouted over Padfoot and Wormtail. "What why me?!"
"i second that vote." Sirius said, raising his hand. I looked over to wormtail who with a rather mischievous smile raised his hand. "I hate you all." The rest of the group smiled as moony tossed me the cloak.
"Pick me up some of the muggle shit I like." Sirius called as I stood up.
"Pads do you mean a Curly Wurly?"
He snapped his fingers and put on his most dush bag like of a smile "Ah yes that's the name." I put on the cloak and slipped through the common room. Wish was surprisingly empty besides some first years in the corner and Lilly and Mary on the couch with Mary's arm through around Lilly as she leaned into the touch. They were both smiling Lilly whispering into Mary's ear and interlocking their legs together. They seem close I thought as I left, they must be good friends.
I was about ½ way to the kitchens when the rather loud sound of sobs broke my heart. They sounded young maybe a first year? I turned a corner looking for where the sobs were coming from when I heard the sound of foots steps growing louder. I ducked behind a pillar thinking they belonged to Filch when I saw a young girl with a Hufflepuff tie on the floor sobbing. The sound of footsteps grew louder until a figure stood at the end of the hallway coming closer.
Regulus Black.
As he came closer the young Hufflefuff murmured "sorry-sorry-sorry-sor.." As she shot up and ran out of the hall. I expected Regulus to go along his way, but instead in a shocking turn of events he ran after the girl saying, "hey weight!" I shot after the pair not being able to not know what was happening.
After running down various halls she hit a dead end and frantically turned around tears falling from her eyes. Her yellow hair was in 2 buns and her wrists were covered in colorful bracelets. Regulus slowed down as she collapsed into another fit of sobbing curling herself into a corner.
Regulus carefully approached her as if afraid to scare her off.
"You're okay." he said ever so genially as he sat next to the poor girl. "It's okay to be scared." she frantically shook her dead and said trough sobs "Notoverstupidstuff."
"I think the more stupid something is the more appropriate it is to cry over. Come on, let's sit on that bench instead of the floor. Okay?" she nodded and took the Slytherins hand as he led her over to the bench.
Who the fuck is this guy?! Because I know that is not the Regulus black, I talked to on the train. This is not the black heir, Slytherin, snarky, loath full, Regulus black. This can't be the same person who earned the nickname 'school psycho' is his 2ed year. Why was he being so... kind? Sirius had said a lot of things about his brother, but he never described him as kind. Evil? Sure. Sadistic? A couple times. Bitchy? More than once. But kind? Never, not once did Sirius say kind.
Who the fuck is regulus black? And why did I want to figure it out.
"Want to tell me what happened?" he asked after practicing some breathing exercises with her. I sat next to them shielded by the cloak on the bench. "i-i made friendship bracelets for all my new friends but no one wants to be my friend and I have all these bracelets now and-" she trailed off sobbing once again. I wanted to reach out and help but I couldn't. Thankfully and shockingly regulus did. He held her hand letting her cry not once telling her to smile and be happy.
"I just wanted to make friends.' she said. If my heart wasn't already broken it was now but I think it may have broken more when Regulus said, "I'll be your friend."
She whipped I tear from her eyes as she asked "really?"
He smiled and said yes. And that fucking smile. I don't even know how to describe it, it was like a star shooting in the sky, so rare, so beautiful, just making you want to see it more. And let me tell you I could feel my heart so a flip in my chest. It gave me the same rush of happiness that a quidditch match did it-
I think I'm droning on now, aren't I?
The yellow haired Hufflepuff beamed up at him as she slid a black, white and green bracet off her wrist and tied it around regulus's. "I don't know where my common room is." said slightly flushed. "What me to show you?"
"Yes please!"
She jumped off the bench and took regulus had as guided her to her common room letting her ask him many questions about Hogwarts as she wanted and regulus never seeming bothered by it always answered without a hint of judgment or sarcasm. Why did that make my heart flutter? Fuck.
When they made it to the common room (with me following them under the cloak) I could have sworn she shrank as she saw all the people, one of which was Amos diggory a guy on the Hufflepuff quidditch team and what was now look like to be a prefect "Hey Diggory." Regulus called guiding the scared Hufflepuff with him. Diggory had been talking to other first years before he came to Regulus and- well I don't actually know her name. "Looks like you lost one." He told the prefect in a rather friendly way.
"Oh goodness me that is where you were Emily! Come on with the rest of the group, Ivan has been looking everywhere for you he never got a chance to ask for one of your bracelets."
"Really?" Apparently, Emily exclaimed.
"Yeah, he's over there with Doris and you know I think if you offered, she would be your friend too."
Emily bolted over to the 2 other first years with a wide grin on her face they talked for a moment before she slid a bracelet over both of their wrists.
Diggory drew his attention back to Regulus as he said, "You did a good thing Black." Regulus tried to hide a smile as he said, "I don't know what you are referring to."
"Come on I can see the bracelet."
A small smile creeped up on him as he looked down on his wrist and admired the craftsmanship. Diggory cleared his thought as he said, "You know you can never take that thing off now."
"Yeah, I know." I did not sound like he was complaining.
After a couple more words and a small goodbye Regulus waved to Emily and left the common room. As he made his way through the halls, I couldn't help but follow him, careful not to make my footsteps too loud so as not to attract the boy's attention no matter how much deep down I wanted it. And when that thought hit me my brain started arguing with itself.
Why was regulus acting so... not bitchy?
Was Regulus a pleasant person?
No! The other less crazy of my brain argued remember when we talked to him on the train and how rude he was?
Well, I don't know if I would call it rude more enduring.
Oh, please shut up brain. I begged as I mindlessly walked through the halls.
Am I wrong?
Well no.
Exactly I mean he is quite fit.
I like Lilly!
Do you though?
Yes
You sure?
Yes, I have to like her that-that is just how the world works. James Potter chasing after Lilly Evans, that's how it works.
Is it though?
It has to be.
Dose it?
Yes
Is that even how you want it to be?
Before I could answer my own question Padfoot's voice ran through the room "Prongs?! Where's the food?!" shit I forgot. I had made my way to the dorm too lost in my own thoughts to notice. "I'm going to bed."
"Well shit prongs I know Petie said you went feeling great but lighten up mate." always lighten up. Why did I have to be so happy and cheery at the time? Why can I not just be okay for a while?! Everyone else is.
"Sorry I'll be better in the morning."
I changed into right red Gryffindor pajama pants and slipped into bed closing the curtains thoughts still full of regulus black.
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The next morning, I woke up to the familiar sounds of the other 3 Marauders snoring and I don't think the world has ever felt more right. Having the 3 of them felt right it felt good. Ever sense I was in first year I had a mantal picture of the 3 of us all grown up with wives and kids still being together. I would be with Lilly, Sirius and marline would pair up, Remus and peter would each find a girl and things would be right. That is the plan that is what will suppose to happen. That is what will happen, I decided.
I always woke up before all the other marauders, they all slept until the last 15 minutes of breakfast, and I got up at 4 am to practice. There is something about the quidditch pitch so early that is so... freeing.
No one is ever there so early and it was so quiet and peaceful with the fresh morning air smell mixed with broom polish felt so good and right. On quidditch game days the sound of the fans roaring in the crowds... even the thought sends shivers down my spine.
I left the locker room with a loud click from the old doors but when I came out the sight of another player in dark green robes effortlessly flying through the sky caught my attention. They dove with ease and then right when you thought they were going to hit the ground they shot up into the sky with such precision that it was mesmerizing. I know a good quidditch player when I see one and whoever that person was, they were defiantly a more than good player. It seemed like they were made to fly made for the game. The way they flew was so natral you could easily tell they felt at home on a broom. Or I could tell.
When the green player came down and there feachers came into view my heart stopped when I realized it was regulus black who I had been admiring from the ground (for a very long time almost too long).
His curly dark hair was a mess from flowing in the wind it hung just by his ears not to long not too short a messy array of curls and softness, his cheeks were flush from the cold morning, there was a certain peace and vulnerability in his eye that I had not scene on the train but similar to the night before with the Hufflepuff girl, his small smile broke when he saw me and my brain scalded itself for braking his state.
He's beautiful, my brain determined.
The statement felt so true I didn't even try and argue with myself.
He seemed to notice me lurking on the ground and he dove towards me. One second, he was in the air, the next he jumped off his broom gracefully landing prefect right in front of me. "What do you want potter?" I opened my mouth to say something, but I felt lost for words. "Come on potter I don't have all day." When did his voice get like that. Who gave him the right to have such a... prepossessing way about it.
"Potter?!"
Was it always like that? Why has it taken me so long to notice? Has anyone else noticed? How could someone not notice? How did I not notice? Why was his 'I'm angry at you James' voice so nice?
"Sorry I umm... nice flying." I said scratching the back of my head oddly nervously.
He looked taken aback but in the most adorable way. My brain seemed to scream at itself I am in love with lily Evans. Snap out of it! What are you even doing? You like Lilly, that is how things are supposed to be. Then why did being in the mere presence of regulus feel so right? It dissents. I tried to tell myself.
Maybe I knew I was lying maybe I didn't, I don't really care. I cracked a smile and said, "nice bracelet by the way." trying to regain that confidence.
This made him get more flustered but still 'mad' "how? -why? Do-" I laughed slightly more out of nerves then amusement "It was a nice thing you did for Emily." His expression changed; he looked ashamed almost, but he seemed to suppress it "How did you know about that?" he asked with a sharp tone.
I smirked "You should be nice more often it suits you."
"It suits me?" I can't tell if I liked how flirtatious and mad, he started to sound. "Yeah, it suits you." I said coming out more breathless than I would have preferred. He seemed to force down a smile and I was desperate for him to just let it show for him to allow himself to be happy.
"What else suits me?"
He seemed to subconsciously lean in, and I did the same "purple."
He scoffed briefly cracking his mask "Like the color?" He looked amused but covered it up with an angry tone. "Yes." I sounded so sure of myself so cocky but I had an odd feeling he didn't mind it. "When have you ever seen me wear purple?" he seethed.
"Never but when I picture you in it-"
"So, you're picturing me now?"
"Oh, very vividly."
Was I flirting with Regulus black? Did he like it? Did I like it? Was I good at it? It felt good- James? What are you doing? He is the black heir, Slytherin seeker, Sirius's brother, plus YOU LIKE LILLY!
He cocked his head to the said as if he was trying to study me, I could feel my smile widen as I asked, "want to play a round?"
He somehow grew more shocked "Of quidditch?"
"Yeah, toss the quaffle around for a while then head in for breakfast."
"Careful potter people might think were friends." he said playfully. "We wouldn't want that now, would we?" I responded just as playful. His smile broke through his mask "I'll see you around Potter." He swiftly picked up a quaffle and threw it at me. I caught it (more out of reflex than anything) never taking my eyes off the seeker until he vanished into the changing rooms.
What the hell was that?! And why did it feel so right?
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hi, hope you liked the chapter most likely going to be posting Monday and I just was to mention how much i love Jame's gay panic
and i swear my writing skills get better i wrote this months ago.