Wind breeze, soft pull. Tick tock, tick tock. Clear my head, curse the drive. You ran out of time, yet you have to pull it off somehow.
Take, sip, swallow. Take, sip, swallow. Never more than two. Never less than one. The dose was doubled not long ago, on the phone, by the doctor with the red hair.
They are colored blue, but not bluer than I am.
The meaning of sacrifice varies to all of us. For some, it may mean losing something you love for the greater good. For others, it may actually mean taking a toll of something you don't like, something you feel does you harm, but some way or another it's necessary. Then there's also the third kind of sacrifice, the one in which you take on a penitence, and vow not to undergo a certain emotion or feeling.
To lose, to punish and to deny. Those are the three ways in which you can make sacrifices. And none of them work unless you do it willingly, and as long as you only take away from yourself. If not, what's the point? What's the point of taking something from somebody else, what's the point of causing pain to someone other than yourself to bring good?
True nobility lies in those who hurt for those who cherish their love. Those who put others before themselves, those who can't smile unless the person on their right is smiling too, and the person to their left is laughing with joy.
I look to my right, and see nothing.
I look to my left, and it's empty.
I want to change that. I want to somehow... I don't know, really. I just want to feel like my hurting, this selfish and egoistical thing I have, this sickness... I just want to feel it's for a reason. I need to feel it's for a reason. I just want to know that. Somehow, I am doing somebody else well by feeling this way, by being like this all the time. That is my sacrifice. Or so I keep telling myself.
I don't want to think... that maybe my sacrifice is in vain.
-"... Connor... are you in there?"
Trevor's voice reaches me from beyond my mind, and I realize that I'm inside my hotel room lying naked on the bed. I must have been here for quite some time, because I honestly don't remember if I've been sleeping or not. It's already dark outside... we arrived in Birmingham early morning today. Trevor's still knocking on my door repeatedly.
-"Con! Are you asleep? It's me, Trevor!"
-"... Just a second Trevs!"
I stood up and stared at myself in the mirror in front of me. I am literally stark naked, and the fading scars on my arms are visible to the world. Trevor can't see me like this. I get a long sleeved hoodie and a pair of shorts lying around, and put them on unceremoniously.
-"Ok, get in now!"
The door to my room was opened and Trevor stepped in in silence, as if I had been sleeping or something. Clearly he's not used to the environment, because his face is that of... disgust?
-"Dude... what's that stink? It's as if something had died in here!"
Trevor went running towards the window and opened the drapes, letting light into the room.
-"It's probably because your windows have been closed shut!"—he said—"I'm gonna open them, geez! What are you trying to hide anyway? Have you been browsing dirty things on the web!?"
I chuckled under my breath. Poor Trevor, naïve in many ways. He may not seem like it due to his flirty acting towards the camera full-time... but Trevor is still a kid. He's very prude in more than a million ways. Darn, he refuses to get changed in front of any of us due to his tendency to get embarrassed. Just imagine if I told him I am gay, he would fret over nothing for about two hours or so. He would calm down after, of course, he has nothing against gay people. But still it does leave an impact.
-"And if I were watching dirty stuff, Trevs"—I teased, as he opened the windows fully—", would you like to hear the details?"
Trevor's shoulders shook in a movement reserved only for when chills ran down his spine, his face clearly trying to avoid imagining such a scenario.
-"Ew-ew-ew-EEEEEEEEEW...! CONNOR...! LEAVE YOUR DIRTY STUFF TO YOURSELF!"
He was still fretting, it was fun to watch, and I couldn't stop laughing.
-"Relax, Trevs! Nothing like that happened..."
-"Tell that to the image on my head, geez! Anyway, most of the guys are downstairs... I was wondering if you wanted to go there with me? We're meant to rehearse in an hour and I want to make some time."
-"Well... given I don't have anything to do, and you already woke me up... sure thing! Just, let me take a quick shower first. I'll be done in five."
I skipped towards the bathroom as I heard Trevor's loud complaints, apparently something about being a diva and whatnot. I made sure to shut the door and locked it behind me, before I turned on the hot water and allowed the room to feel with steam. I do want to shower, don't take me wrong.
But I need a minute.
What was that back there?
Why had Trevor had a hard time reaching out to me? I mean, I wasn't even asleep. I was totally awake, I know that. Well, perhaps not totally awake. I'm starting to think that this panic attack thing is getting out of hand... Dr. Kellerman said to call her as soon as I got another one, but I can't do that right now. It will have to suffice with the pills for now.
The pills.
Luckily I had placed the flask inside the bathroom's hidden cabinet when I got installed in this room, you know, just in case. I told you before I'm not planning on telling anyone about them anytime soon. Troye does not have to know that I'm... keeping the secret, not for now, I won't tell him. He'll only get more and more worried.
After taking my dose I got showered properly. Today is June 1st, and we're in Birmingham, Alabama. Ricky's hometown. Shelby, his best friend from home and a good friend of mine as well is here, as well as his parents. Today's show is super important to him, and there's nothing I would hate more than letting him down on it, I have to be at my best. Even if the rest of the guys are... well... rather uncooperative.
Kian has done nothing besides get worse since the Dallas incident. It's only been a couple of days since, but he still refuses to talk about what happened. He won't even tell us where he went. Ricky did eventually give up on looking for him and returned to the hotel around midnight, and Kian was back about two hours later like Sam had predicted. To say Ricky was furious is a complete misjudgment from the situation. He was not only angry at Kian, though; he was mad at me and Sam, too, because we didn't help him look. Jc, who is generally the most chill out of us all, suddenly got very cold towards him... and towards me. This last couple of days he's been hanging out only with Sam.
I don't know if it was something I did, or something I said. I don't know. All I know is that I was for once believing I could feel... good, again, because he makes me feel that way. He is a close friend. But now... I don't know. I don't know if I can take Jc and Ricky being distant towards me, not at the same time... not while depending on them, on the blue pills...
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a notification arriving on my phone, which was placed by the sink. Clearly a lot is on my mind, but I can't give myself the luxury of dwelling there for too long. If I can't do something to make it up to Ricky, I can at least try to make this one of the best shows of the whole tour. At least on my part.
I don't deserve the friends that I have, and I know that. But I'm not about going to let them go through pain, either. That's my sacrifice.
Exiting the shower I saw that the notification was a text I got from Troye. He wanted me to log into Skype this evening after the show... prime example there again.
Exiting the shower, now fully clothed, I was greeted by a bored-looking Trevor, who was texting on his phone while watching some sort of live pranks TV show with a soda from the room's minibar on his hand. Living the life, you could say.
-"FINALLY!"—he exclaimed after seeing I had emerged—"You took AGES!"
I can't help but smile at Trevor, though. He somehow manages to keep up his innocence despite everything that is going on. I wonder if he even knows if something is going on. Oblivion is bliss, they say. And they are so right.
-"So, what are we waiting for?"—he said, jumping off my bed—"My person is ready!"
Imagine the greatest roar of the mightiest beast you've ever heard. Multiply it by a hundred. That's more or less a third of the rush I felt when I heard the screams of the people watching us close our Birmingham show.
-"GOODBYE ALABAMA! I WANT TO HEAR YOU SCREEEEEAAAAAAM!"
It's not necessary for me to tell you how excited Ricky was. He was happy. Joyful, at his best. His aura was contagious to say the least.
Maybe not contagious enough to some, but contagious to those who matter. And that's all of them, those who come here to see us. That's how I've always seen this. I like how this works in that way... It feels good. Somehow people are happy because of us.
I left to the backstage dressing room with the rest of the guys, greeted immediately by Ricky's mom and dad.
-"You guys were amazing!"—Ricky's mom said, as she gave each of us a kiss both cheeks—"I'm so proud of you boys!"
-"Thanks mom!"—Ricky said, smiling and glowing despite all of what I know is on his mind—"I'm so happy you liked it!"
-"Liked it!? I adored it!"
Ricky's dad got us all some water bottles, since we were all sweaty. I hadn't realized how thirsty I was.
Well I guess that lately I don't realize those details anymore.
-"So"—Ricky's dad said—", which city's next?"
Trevor raised his eyebrows and gulped down some water before he answered. He had performed some of his songs, and his throat was hoarse from the singing.
-"We have to head to Georgia now. Our Atlanta show will be in two days."
-"Well, a one day drive is certainly more than enough, right?"—Ricky's mom asked to no one in particular.
-"Well, we are expecting to get there tomorrow afternoon."—Ricky said—"I'm sorry we cannot stay here any longer..."
-"Oh, Richard, it's alright."—his mom said with a sweet smile—"As long as you are doing your best and you are all happy, then it's fine by us. We're still glad you could visit."
Ricky's mom and dad said they were going to wait outside for us to go out to dinner with them, as soon as we were ready to leave the venue. Ricky's mom went over to me and gave me a gentle squeeze on my arm, giving me one of her warm smiles. I have always liked her; I see her almost like a second mom to me. That's mostly thanks to me and Ricky being so close. Or used to being. I don't really know anymore.
Once they had left the room, it went silent. It was tense. I still can't believe how one second we can all be this fun gang to be with, and then on the other once no one is looking, it can get this... dark. I hate this.
-"Wait..."—Jc said, suddenly looking towards Ricky doubtfully—"You mean we're not staying the night here?"
-"Well... to be honest I'd prefer if we left ASAP."—Ricky said nonchalantly—"We don't really have much time to waste."
-"What do you mean we don't have much time to waste."—Kian said, rather aggressively—"We have a whole two days. What are we meant to do tomorrow? Sit around on the bus all day?"
-"Wow, Kian..."—Sam said cautiously—"No need to be like that... Ricky just wants us to get to all of the shows on time. Besides, that's how it's been scheduled."
Kian's face changed from that to confusion to one of disapproval and misunderstanding. He always did that when he thought something was stupid or made little to no sense. Back at home, that would usually happen whenever we had to pay bills or stuff of that nature. Not only he's not particularly good at math, but he's also... quite uninterested in learning anyway.
-"It has been scheduled?"
Kian stood up and looked at all of us, bewildered.
-"We're supposed to be doing this for fun. We're supposed to be going on tour to make our fans happy. Since when have we stuck to schedules? I know I haven't. What wrong does us staying here for one more night? I really don't think another bad sleep on the bus would benefit any of us, in any way!"
Well, he did have a point.
However the reactions were rather mixed. Jc seemed to agree with Ki, but he remained nodding silently, not looking to cause more commotion. Trevor was looking at him wide-eyed, not believing what he was listening. I was shocked myself, but I wasn't about to get diving into the drama now of all times.
Ricky and Sam however where a whole different tale.
-"Well, then what do you propose, Kian?"—Ricky asked, his face completely void from emotion.
-"I... well... hey come on don't be like this! If I'm being honest here I just want a good night's sleep, and your parents are here waiting for you to go home to them! Don't tell me you weren't thinking about spending the night at your own house."
-"Funny, how you say that."—Sam said, clearly pissed—"Given the main reason you've not been sleeping is because you ran off on your own to ride skateboard every night."
Now I don't know where that came from, but I could tell Sam was very, very angry. I keep forgetting how much he truly knows Kian. How much he truly knows all of us, for that matter. He's quiet to the world, but to us... he is the one to keep us attached to the ground most of the time.
-"Well, I think we all have a say in this."—Kian said—"I say we put it up for vote. I think we should stay one more night."
-"... I'm with Kian."—Jc said, standing up himself—"We do not earn any more time than what we already have by leaving today. I say we stay here. Ricky can go to his folk's place and we can crash here in the hotel... no damage done whatsoever."
-"Well of course not!"—Trevor said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world—"By no means should we stay! Ricky has worked hard on getting us through the tour on time and properly, there is no reason to change anything! We should go on ahead, as planned!"
-"There is no plan, Trevor!"—Kian exclaimed—"Can't you see!? The whole plan went down the drain a while ago! We're not working this as we should! We are not functioning!"
-"YOU are not functioning!"—Sam said—"Ever since you and Andrea broke up, all you do is stall and ignore us like we're fucking furniture!"
Kian shut up after Sam snapped like that. I think we all internally shut up. This was... unexpected, to say the least.
Ricky looked at Sam firmly. Oh, no, he wouldn't...
-"Sam, don't say that again."
Sam looked at Ricky in disbelief. How could Ricky scold him after Sam literally just stood up for him? Sam looked like he was about to strike him in the face.
-"It's not your place to judge Kian."—Ricky said.
Sam, who didn't seem to be in the mode for any more shit, stood up and walked towards the exit. But before he left, he turned around and looked at all of us.
-"You know I am right. This has gone far enough. You have to wake up, you need to react or else we're doing this for nothing. I'll be at the pool. Clearly whatever I think is of no matter here. Good luck Ricky, you're on your own."
Well, look at that. Now Sam is angry at Ricky, too.
-"... What about you, Connor?"
I can't say I wasn't surprised by the question, but the timing was definitely bad. I looked at who it was and saw Jc looking straight into my eyes. Trevor, Ricky and Kian were all now looking at me as well.
-"What do you think? Should we stay or should we go?"
-"... I think that we are all very tired. And that we need some rest. I don't think it's a good idea to leave for tonight... especially now that Sam's like that..."
-"Hmph."—Kian said—"Let's hear him talk at last..."
I hadn't realized the statement was meant for me.
-"Excuse me?"—I asked Kian, who didn't seem to acknowledge my presence, yet he answered anyhow.
-"Well, you think I haven't noticed? Next to me, you're the quietest person of us all. You rarely ever speak, you keep listening to music and in your room... you're shutting all of us out."
-"Hey!"—Trevor said, now angry himself—"You're one to talk about shutting people out! Look at how Sam is because of you! And you!"—Trevor was now referring to Ricky—"Whose side are you on!? He was defending you! And Connor here has done nothing wrong to any of us!"
-"Oh, is that so?"—Kian said.
He walked over to me, getting closer with each step. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I felt... threatened. Like there was real danger in Kian, in this friend whom I've shared a house for over a year, in this person who I'm close to consider my family. I feel like he could hurt me.
Oh, Andrea, is this how you felt?
Is this the wind that turned into your storm?
-"... Look at me dead in the eye, Connor"—he said to me, his expression filled with shadow—", and tell me there is nothing you're hiding from me. Nothing you're hiding from us."
The silence might have lasted less than a minute, but it felt like an eternity. I felt everyone in the room fixated on me. Ricky in particular was looking at me, somewhat expectant. Jc seemed sad, and Trevor seemed confused. The words I told Ricky after the first day on the bus ringed inside my head.
I don't want to be a monster in your eyes.
And that's true. I don't. And I'm not about to be one, so I'll do my best to prevent that at any cost. Ricky may have been unto me for a long time now, and as it turns out so is Kian. Perhaps he has been for longer than I can think, but now I don't know, and I don't care. This is not his war to fight.
-"... Hehe... come on, guys..."—Trevor said shyly—"You can't possibly think Connor's hiding something from us...?"
I looked at Kian dead in the eye, as he had asked. The good thing about the pills is that they teach me how to act a certain way. A way in which I cannot really tell if I care or not about how much I'm hurting someone close to me. It's the ultimate poker move, and I know I can use it to deceive anyone. It has worked so far, it should work now.
-"... My business, is strictly mine, Kian."—I said in monotone—"I don't have the obligation to tell you anything. But if you're so eager to know; the answer is no. There is nothing I'm hiding from you, or anyone. And if you don't trust me, that's fine. I don't care. I just hope you start to compose yourself. I don't know if you've noticed, but we are all worried about you. And you don't seem to be getting any better."
-"... Hmph."
Kian turned his back on me and walked away slowly. He didn't seemed entirely convinced. Such is the power of anger.
-"... If you say so Connor. I know you talked with Andrea."
My blood froze. Is that what this is? Is this why he has been this way towards me? Towards us?
-"I know she was with you back in Hawaii, too. I think I've known for a while. What did she tell you? What did you two do? Huh? Care to say?"
-"... If you think Andrea cheated on you with me, then you're wron—-"
Kian's arm smacked in a random direction, hitting a flower pot that was on the table by his left and smashing it into pieces. He turned once again to face me, infuriated.
-"I BARELY EVER SEE YOU!"—he screamed—"YOU ARE NEVER IN OUR HOUSE WITH US! YOU KEEP LEAVING TO HANG OUT WITH TYLER OR TROYE! YOU'VE BECOME A STRANGER TO ALL OF US!"
Kian looked around him, searching for signs of approval. Ricky still didn't display any sort of emotion. Jc's gaze was on the ground. Trevor had his left hand over his mouth, like when he was shocked, and shocked good. As for me, I am numb. I can't react. I don't know how to. He is killing me.
-"IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR MONTHS!"—he continued—"DON'T TELL ME I'VE BEEN THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED! AND THEN ANDREA MET YOU ON HAWAII, I REMEMBER! I WAS HAPPY! I WAS SO SO HAPPY AND THEN SOMETHING WENT WRONG! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT! AND YOU DO! I KNOW! I KNOW SHE TOLD YOU! AND YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING! YOU WON'T TALK TO ME, OR ANY OF US! WE ARE NOTHING TO YOU!"
Is this really how much it hurts?
Is this really how much it aches?
The wounds on my skin are nothing in comparison.
The wounds on my skin at least do fade.
This... this will stay.
-"... Hey Ki, wanna go to the pool? I feel like I could use a dive."
Jc stood up from his seat and grabbed Kian by his arm, dragging him away slowly but steady, outside form the room. Not before looking back at me of course.
-"... Talk to you soon, Connor."
Jc and Kian left the room. Trevor and Ricky stayed in with me, but they could've just as easily be gone. They didn't say anything. Nothing to comfort me or anything. They didn't even bother asking me if I was alright. It had been quite the turn of events, I know; but I am not made of stone. Maybe I did give off that impression. Maybe I do seem made of stone, as if I were some sort of empty shell. Maybe that's really what depression is. Denial from feelings. Sacrificed you didn't know you were making. The sacrifice... of feeling anything at all.
After about ten minutes Ricky walked over to me and sat beside me. Trevor stood up and did the same. I don't know what they were expecting. I'm not going to say anything, not after that. If anything, it's only proven my point again. They can't know. It's not going to change anything for the good. I know that. I've known for a while. I've known since I learnt I have this thing.
-"... He's out of his mind..."—Trevor said after a prolonged silence—"He doesn't know what he's saying..."
-"... I should apologize to Sam..."—Ricky said eventually—"I should have given him the reason... he was only trying to support me..."
We laid there in silence. I didn't even cry, and I'm not sure if I'm ok with that. If I'm going to be a statue, then fine. But this is not meant to go this way. This can be fixed. Somehow I'll have to manage, I'll find a way... O2L cannot fall apart. Not now more than ever.
-"... Ricky, take Sam with you to your parents' house."—I said, as Ricky looked at me—"We'll stay here and make sure Kian and Jc do fine. Tomorrow, early after breakfast, we leave. And we get past this."
-"Yes, Ricks, Connor's right."—Trevor said—"There's no point trying to argue it out with them anymore. We need to figure this out calmly tomorrow."
Ricky nodded slowly, before standing up and heading towards the exit.
-"I'll go fetch Sam... you guys are sure you'll be fine?"
-"... Yeah, just go. We'll meet you tomorrow."—I said, giving him a weak smile.
Ricky smiled back at me, but he can't fool me. I know Kian's words stuck with him, too. I know he suspects now more than ever. He did before, but now that someone else has revealed they have noticed changes in me, he's even more convinced. I don't want to be a monster, and I don't want to make him feel that way about me. But I can't help but hope that this little bit of me, the monster part... I hope it doesn't tear him to shreds.
After having some dinner with Trevor and Blake and texting Troye telling him I would Skype him tomorrow, I was on my way back to my room. It had been a long, long day, and all I wanted was another restless sleep night. Because being honest, lately there has been no such thing as a rest for me. Not in the tour, not with Andrea still on my mind. Oh, what a hell she has wrought. If only she knew. If only she knew...
-"Connor? Connor!"
I turned around and saw Shelby, Ricky's childhood friend who is also a friend of mine. Well, through Ricky of course, but still a good friend. She came towards me and gave me a tight hug. She seemed relieved to see me.
-"I'm so glad I found you!"—she said, taking my hands in hers and holding tight.
-"But Shelby... we've just seen each other at the show."
-"I know! But now we're alone, and Ricky is back at his parent's place for the night with Sam, and I really need to talk to you."
Shelby got more relaxed as she exhaled deeply. She needed to talk to me? About what? Well, I can try to guess...
-"It's about Ricky?"
Bingo.
-"Yes. He's got me worried sick."
-"Why? What happened?"
-"Well... ever since Kian and Andrea broke up... he's not been... himself."
-"I... I know, I can tell."
-"He has been telling me some stuff. It worries me. I needed to talk to you because I know you of all people will tell me the truth."
-"The truth? What truth?"
Shelby leaned in closer and started talking in whispers, fearing the sole idea that someone may be close, listening.
-"Ricky has... for a while now... liked Andrea, and a lot... I think you know that much. But he has also been having some troubles... with dealing about how to act around Kian and her..."
-"Yes... he... he's very conflicted."
-"He is afraid, Connor."—she explained—"He is afraid this may cause some long term repercussions."
-"Long term? As in his friendship with Kian?"
-"Precisely."—she coughed to clear her throat, and proceeded—"He's also scared that you and him are moving on..."
-"Moving on? From where?"
-"Because of your increasing popularity. And the amount of subscribers you are getting, individually, and in comparison to you as a whole. As a group. And this whole deal with Kian, it's driving everyone apart... and he feels that you and him are no longer as close as before, for some reason, but will refuse to talk about it, even with me. He is scared that you are no longer caring about them. That's why I needed to ask you this. Because I know you will always tell me truth, and that you care for them, Connor. I know you well enough for that..."
Now I started to see what Shelby was trying to say. And I hadn't thought about it. And the idea of it was terrifying.
-"What I mean is... Ricky is scared because... because at this rate, he thinks that..."
She seemed to dread what she was about to say, but she needed to deliver the message. She needed to make sure somebody else knew, so that she could sleep in peace knowing she did her part to prevent a silent tragedy.
-"Ricky fears that at this rate, O2L will break up before the end of the tour."