The heat. It's the first change I noticed.
It's abnormal, absurd; much unlike what I'm accustomed to. It makes my whole body drench with sweat, even between the bed sheets. It makes me feel like a bug under a magnifying glass, exposed to the sun and to its raw power.
The second thing I noticed was the movement.
Constantly going on and on, never stopping. It's strange because it's familiar, like all the other constant movements before in my life. Something as common as a car or a flying plane, or even as soothing as the rocking cradle I used to sleep in when I was a baby. Don't ask me how I remember that, all I know is that I do.
Then, there's the noise. The noise of the people around me. It reminds me that I'm not alone. I'm not in my room where I can do about my business. Oh, no, it's an entirely different sort of noise here. Back in Los Angeles there is the common noises, the dogs barking every once in a while, some of the guys filming or whatnot. Here, it's the sound of the road. The desert, the vibrant freeway, the wheels spinning eternally, leading to our destination, somewhere far beyond.
When I open my eyes I see the sunlight beaming through the bus' windows. I realize now that I'm in the O2L tour bus, and that I'm sleeping in one of its bed bunks. Or was. In front of me was the other lower bunk (I chose the lowest level because I might need to use the bathroom to well... you know), with Sam sleeping in it comfortably. At least I'm not the last to wake up again.
I exited my second-best-to-nothing bed and stretched my arms and legs. My whole back ached, but that's the least of my problems right now. The bunk on top of me was empty, and so was the one of top of Sam's. There's four of those in the bus, mine and Kian's being on the right side while Sam and Jc sleep on the left. Ricky, who is ridiculously tall, sleeps on the couch we have on the back, at least for now, since he has accorded to switch with Kian every once in a while. And Trevor has one of the two remaining beds further back. The only other person who lives here with us is our driver. Cool guy, his name is Michael, and has two kids who watch our videos. Interestingly they're both boys, but are quite young so it's not that strange.
I am currently in sweat pants and an old t-shirt, because there was no way I we could change into our pajamas while on the bus. Too much of a mess, you know? The only times we do get changed and showered is when we're at the hotel for the night, right before or after a show. Never at any other time.
Neither of the guys are here besides me and Sam, and I can tell that we have stopped, maybe just recently. That might have been the reason why I woke up in the first place: the change of pace.
Sam seems undisturbed, though. I do envy his ability to sleep in. Even when he comes to the O2L house to sleep over on an inflatable mattress on the floor, he manages to take a huge nap until the next morning. I don't think I could do that. It's pretty hot in here, so the first things first before checking on the rest of the guys.
I got into the bathroom. We don't have much: a sink that suits just fine, a toilet that's meant just for peeing, a mirror and a small lavatory. Yeah showering is not a thing here. Picture the smell. I checked my reflection on the mirror.
-"Well, well..."—I told myself—"Aren't you looking ratchet this morning?"
I brushed my teeth unceremoniously and proceeded to wash my face. At least like that I won't smell for a while... well with that and a liter of deodorant at the least.
Then, there's the rather more ceremonious event of... a certain bunch of pills I have to take.
The flask remains well hidden; I'm not making the mistake of showing it to anyone. Not here in the O2L bus, of all places. The last thing I need—and I do mean the last—is my friends to realize how broken I am. Soon will come the time to tell them about the pills. However, I'm not ready yet. Troye did ask me to try to open up with them, and I do want to, but for now I think it's best to maintain this little monster... a thing to me alone. At least until I feel... safe.
I took the blue pill out of its flask, which I keep under lock inside my suitcase. The blue little devil, the thing that keeps me going...
-"My happy little pill..."—I said, looking at it, before placing it on my tongue and swallowing without any water... I've gotten used to it like that.
And it is then, after taking the pill that I truly see the reflection on the mirror for the first time. I see the eye bags, I see the yellowish color in my corneas, and I see the frown on my forehead, the de-coloring of my hair... I see me in the worst of days.
-"Well hello."—I tell my image on the glass—"Long time no see... about twelve hours, maybe?"
My arms are trembling a little. It puts me nervous for some reason, and I feel a slight shiver going down my spine. I can't help but cradle myself in my own arms, trying to keep the warmth. Dr. Kellerman mentioned this, this... side effect. My body temperature isn't changing; but my perception of it is being altered. It isn't something serious, but I do have to get used to it. It can't be changed. Not for now.
I exited the bathroom changed into what I consider a casual "travelling attire". Yes, I am still wearing sweat pants. What do you want me to say? They're comfy.
-"Connor...?"
I turned my head around and met with Sam, who was barely awake, still tucked in his bed. The sole sight of him made me feel sleepy.
-"Connor, is that you...?"—Sam asked, as he rubbed his eyes with his palms.
-"Morning Sammers"—I said—", good beauty sleep?"
-"Ha-ha. Hilarious."—he yawned, and then proceeded—"Where is the rest...?"
-"Probably outside, we're stopped anyway. I bet we need to get fuel or something..."
Sam tried getting up, only to bump his head against the roof of his bed bunk. It's only our first night in the bus, so I bet this will become a pretty often thing.
-"Hey can I ask you a favor...?"—he asked.
-"Hmm? Sure, you name it."
-"There's a box, inside the bathroom cabinet, by the extra toothpaste behind the mirror... can you fetch it for me?"
I nodded, and went back into the bathroom to see what he meant. Indeed there was a cabinet inside the mirror which I hadn't noticed before (yay me), I took the box and handed it over to him.
-"Thanks..."—he said—"I'd be done without these..."
Next, Sam opened the box and took a tiny syringe and a very thick rubber band. He put the rubber band on his left arm, all the way up above his elbow. It made his arm swell a little. He then injected himself the syringe on that arm, using his right one. At the same time he sighed with relief.
-"That's... insulin..."—I said—"For you diabetes, isn't it?"
-"Yeah, it is."—he said, as he removed the rubber band and closed the box—"You don't suppose we have any cotton or rubbing alcohol here?"
-"There... there might be on the first aid kit."
Sam stood up and walked past by me. He slept only in his boxers and a white tank top, pretty much like he sleeps everywhere else. He's practical like that. On the front of the bus, before getting to the driver and copilot seats, which were empty, was our first aid kit. I saw Sam opening the case and searching through its contents, much patiently.
-"Well, no rubbing alcohol."—he said—"But there is some cotton. Maybe if we're at a gas station, I can buy a bottle of that..."
Sam came back and took a seat in the back couch, he was pressing the cotton over his injection. I opened the windows and saw we were in a gas station by the desert. Last night was our first show the one in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Right now we're on our way to Texas. I would say last night was a success, though. I liked how it turned out. And the fans... they are just amazing... at this point I really think they're the one thing that keeps me going on with this whole ordeal...
-"Hey man."—Sam said.
-"Yeah?"
-"I don't think I'm getting down to meet the rest of the guys yet. I'm getting there later... they're probably at that diner over there. Go check in with them, they might be having breakfast."
I looked at Sam. His look was weary and strange, as if he were... concerned. To put him at ease, I gave him a smirk and laughed a bit.
-"Why are you so worried all of the sudden? You're the one with the injections going on!"
-"True, that has always been this way though."—he said—"However this is the first time I've seen we're past noon, and you haven't eaten anything yet."
And at his last remark, my stomach rumbled in hunger.
-"HAHAHAHA!"—Sam laughed—"See!? Told ya! Go get something to eat..."
I just nodded and headed out, given that it was pointless to argue.
It wasn't really that hot outside, but the sun was bright. Even for the desert, it was hard to see. I put my sunglasses on and headed towards the diner, maybe the rest of the guys were there after all.
We were parked in the gas station, and Michael was pumping gasoline into our bus. I went over towards him to say hi. He was wearing his usual attire, a checkered red shirt with a leather jacket, black pants, a cap and sunglasses. Stereotype all you want, he was you typical southern.
-"Morning mister Franta!"—he waved—"About time you woke up. We're taking a half an hour break before we head on. The rest of the crew is at the diner having breakfast."
-"I told you before Mike, you don't need to call me 'mister', it feels weird... besides you're way older than any of us. We should be mistering you."
-"It don't bother me. I'm all about that respect for ya lads, with ya'lls US tours and stuff, which most people my age can't do, I tell ya that. Ye's a mister alright. Ye earned it."
His cellphone ringed, signaling some sort of alarm. He checked it for a second and then put it away back again.
-"Miss Charlotte says they're good to go, and the venue is all set up. We'll be gone in short, so go get some stuffing before you pass hunger for the day."
After greeting him I headed into the diner. It wasn't really much to look at, and it was rather empty. The only people eating were Trevor and Jc who were all sharing a table, and a group of friends who seemed to be about our ages who were sitting further away. Ricky was talking with the waitress at the counter, apparently discussing something regarding his food.
-"Hey! Con da Bon! Come sit with us!"—Trevor called, as I headed and took my place at his side.
-"Where's Kian?"—I asked.
-"Oh, you know..."—Jc said—"Toilet. He said he needed to go badly."
-"That's a perk of not having a working toilet in the bus..."—Trevor observed—"But we all know he's actually on the phone."
-"On the phone?"—Jc asked.
-"You didn't know?"—Trevor asked, before leaning in closer to the table center and motioning Jc to do the same, and then he whispered—"He and Andrea just broke up, the day we left."
Jc's eyes widened in amazement.
-"No way!"—he said—"Really? You're lying yo me Trevs? Cause that's serious business..."
-"It's true! Tell him Connor!"
I simply exhaled and nodded. Jc leaned back on his chair and took his arms behind his head in disbelief. He wasn't taking the news that well.
-"Shit... that blows..."—he said—"Lia... she had told me that Andrea didn't seem happy lately. But she had no idea of what was going on..."
-"None of us did."—said Ricky.
We were all startled. Ricky had materialized out of the blue, but he certainly knew what he we were all taking about. He motioned Jc to make some space and took a seat at his side. In his hands he had a large glass with some sort of green smoothie.
-"They kept the whole thing to themselves. Instead of talking about it with any of us, they decided to shut up."—he said, as he took a sip of his juice through a pink straw—"Not even Jenn knew. She called me yesterday, before the show... Andrea's... devastated..."
-"That sucks. Really bad."—I said—"But it's for a reason, you know? Maybe now they'll be... I don't know... better..."
-"... I hope you're right."—Ricky said.
You might have noticed by now, how Ricky seems to be the most affected out of us by this. Well, except of course for Kian. Ricky still has feelings for Andrea. I can tell. I am sure of it. And I don't know for how much longer he can keep up the charade of being a good friend to her, especially now that Kiandrea is over...
He and I are in the same boat. Pretending things we're not, for everyone else's sake.
-"Can I get you all boys anything?"—asked the recently arrived waitress, a dark skinned woman in her late forties with a nice smile and brunette hair—"Today's breakfast special includes fries and a long-foot hotdog."
-"I think I'll have one of those."—Jc said, smiling back—"And with a milkshake, por favor."
-"Can I have a club sandwich with some orange juice?"—Trevor said—"With no sugar, please."
-"I'll have... cereal with milk! Please. And a glass of that juice too. But mine with sugar... and can you bring me a banana? I know it sounds weird, but I could use one... you don't think you have one of those 'cronut' things, right?"—I asked.
-"Hmm... I can get you as far as the banana."—the waitress said.
-"Fine by me!"—I said with a grin, before I took a look at all of the guys around and saw how they watched me as if I were some sort of weird Martian creature—"What!? I'm hungry..."
-"Well... if that's all...?"—the waitress said.
-"Oh, wait!"—I added—"Can you get a chicken sandwich, and a glass of cold milk too? Oh, and a club sandwich to go. Thanks."
The waitress nodded and walked away, leaving us four alone.
-"Connor."—Ricky said—"Do you really need THAT MUCH FOOD!?"
-"It's not all for me!"—I defended myself—"The club sandwich is for Sam who won't leave the bus and the other stuff is for Kian..."
That made Ricky go pensive and sit back. Both Trevor and Jc did the same.
-"I... I thought it was obvious..."—I said—"Kian, back at home... he... he likes milk."
-"... Yeah... you're right."—Jc said—"Kian likes to drink milk. I've seen him. I just... hadn't thought about it before..."
-"And Sam hasn't had any breakfast..."—Ricky said—"I totally forgot..."
-"See? Told ya Connor! You're really like an older brother to those two!"—Trevor said—"Always having their back!"
Trevor was interrupted by the sound of the diner's door opening. We all turned around and saw Kian walking in. He looked... sad. To say the least. He seemed defeated in every way imaginable... he had his hair all messed up and his eyes accused him of not sleeping all night long. So this is what you leave behind after your dance, Andrea?
-"Morning Connor."—he said, taking his seat, just as the waitress came back with our drinks.
-"Here you go boys."—she said—"I'll be back with the dishes in five."
Kian took the glass of milk and chugged it down in less than then seconds. He then placed it empty on the table and burped loudly.
-"I'd like another of those, please..."—he said, and the woman looked at him with amazement.
-"Sure do..."—she said, and left.
Kian then noticed all of us looking at him, and it had hit him that he must have made quite an entrance.
-"What, the milk was meant for me, right?"—he asked.
-"Well, yes, but you could've asked!"—Trevor said.
-"Hmph. Whatever..."—Kian said, before he tuned his face away towards the window—"Where's Sam?"
-"He's in the bus."—I said, then turning towards the rest to explain—"He's not leaving because he has just taken his insulin shots. He wanted to stay in."
-"You mean he brought them?"—Kian asked—"I honestly thought he had forgot."
-"What do you mean forgot?"—Trevor said—"He's diabetic. He needs to take them everywhere."
-"I know but he has forgotten before!"—Kian said—"I don't remember he taking them at the airport."
-"Well he got delayed because he was getting them."—Trevor said—"You would know if you would've been with us instead of—-"
-"TREVOR!"
Ricky had just shutted him up the second Trevor was about to bring up the Andrea issue, and little Trevs noticed because he suddenly got tiny and dreadful.
-"Sorry..."—he said.
-"... Hmph. I know you all know already. You don't have to be sorry."—Kian said, once again looking outside the window—"It's not like it's a big secret. All I worry about now is that it doesn't get out as news on the internet..."
-"... Why do you worry about that?"—I asked.
Kian then looked at me. His brown eyes are usually the craziest you can see. They are filled with a flame that can't be tamed, with a rage and energy that makes him so potent everywhere he goes. Even on camera, his fans love that about him.
Now I see wounds. Wounds deep like the scars left after the wildfire of a forest. I see them and I understand what it is he fears most now.
Defeat.
He does not want the world to know that he has succumbed to the pain of losing Andrea, the one girl he has loved for such a long time. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe it wasn't going to last, you can say whatever you want about it, in the end no one knows if you're right or wrong. But you cannot place yourself in his shoes. You can't feel the grief of his happiness, of something that was so great. I told before, didn't I? How it is that Andrea was the one person who could tell what Kian feared and what he loved, and even what had hurt him. More than anyone else ever could. And now she was gone. And he didn't want to believe it, or accept it... much less having the whole world acknowledge it.
-"I just don't want the fans to make a fuss."—he said—"That's all. If they learn their pretty Kiandrea has broken up... well... it's nothing more than a show to them. But it can get ugly. You all know how it is... You've seen what happens with the Troyer or Zalfie monsters. Or even the minor ships... like Ricky and I. Imagine if something about Andrea and me went off. Something that was real, and suddenly it's not... people would get upset."
-"... There's no telling what will happen, Ki."—Jc said—"Let's just focus on the tour, ok? You'll get better. You have us."
-"Yes."—I said—"We are all here for you. Ok?"
Kian nodded. At least that seemed to cheer him up a bit.
After we got our food and finished eating, we left the diner and were heading to the bus when I remembered Sam wanted some rubbing alcohol. I went into the gas station to fetch it for him, hoping to find a bottle of half a liter. Ricky came in with me, saying he was looking for something too.
After doing our little mini shopping, which ended up including a couple of snacks and drinks (maybe a beer or two), we left the mini market and headed towards the bus. But before I could set a foot on it, Ricky grabbed my arm.
-"Wait, Connor..."—he said—"I need to tell you something."
My breath stopped, and I felt my pulse quickening. What now? I wasn't showing any symptoms, was I? I mean I had taken the pill, and as far as I know I had done my best to maintain normality... oh no... what if Zoe or Alfie had talked? I was in it for sure.
Ricky took me aside to the bus' front where we were in private. He seemed overly serious. Oh, well... time to get this over with.
-"So... what is it?"—I asked.
-"Well... here's the thing... I know that you spoke with Andrea on the airport yesterday..."
Oh really. Seriously? Why me?
-"I know because... Jenn told me. She saw you two from afar, and waited for you to leave before catching up with her. She said that you consoled her, and that then you hugged and left to meet us... and... I don't know... I was wondering... you're not... I mean, because Kian and she just broke up... and besides that..."
Oh. I can see where this is going.
-"Oh, no Ricky! God no! There's no way, of course not!"—I said, almost alarmed—"Why would you think that? I don't like Andrea! I mean not like that! And she definitely does not like me! She's beautiful, of course, but I wouldn't do that to you...!"
Ricky looked at me in shock. It was almost as if he had forgotten he had told me he had a crush on Andrea not so long ago.
-"I promise you there's nothing between us."—I told him—"I know you still like her Ricky. And I know you feel horrible because she is no longer with Kian, and you don't know what to do. But things will change, and will get better, I promise you that... for now let's do as Jc said and focus on this, alright?"
-"Are you sure, Connor? I mean, if you like her too it's alright, it's not like I'm going to be mad at you..."
-"Oh, come on! Are you listening to yourself!? I don't like her! I could not like her even if I tried!"
-"Why do you say that?"
-"I say that because...! Because...!"
Not now, Connor. Another time. A better time, a different place.
-"... Because I can't ok? We have to get going Ricky, time to hit the road."
-"But you were saying something else..."
-"There is no time, we have to leave! Another day I'll explain myself better, ok? It's not something bad, I swear."
-"Are you sure? You seemed pretty anxious."
-"Believe me, if I were to tell you now you wouldn't forgive me."
-"Why?"
-"It's really none of your business right now."
-"What is it Connor!? Don't you trust me!?"
-"It's not that I don't trust you! I'm just scared to tell you!"
-"Why are you saying this?"
I thought about my next answer. It's definitely not the time to tell him. But he seems to be so desperate to know. But I can't. I now know that I can't. I'm not ready. I have to get this over with soon.
-"Because I'm afraid to be a monster in your eyes, Ricky."
And with that said, I left into the bus, decided not to speak again about it for the rest of the tour. Regardless of what I had promised Troye.