I am standing somewhere made of stone. I can tell, because the walls and the floor all look tiled. I'm not sure of where I am at the moment, but this place seems oddly familiar. How did I get here? Surely I must have come here with the guys, we were meant to go to, for Digifest...
-"Tyler?"—I asked in the middle of the emptiness—"Troye? Are you somewhere close?"
I walked, thinking that maybe I'd find them both on the end of the street. Now I could see I was in some sort of alleyway. And not just any alleyway... I was in Florence. What am I doing here? I was here just a couple of days ago, but then we headed towards Rome... I remember that, I remember taking pictures with Louis, having crepes with everyone...
I soon found a door. I entered and saw that I was inside a public restroom. In the mirror, there were several things written with a black sharpie. Amongst them was something I recognized.
-"R + J... viva en... Italia..."—I read, trying to decipher what it meant.
And then, the words changed.
It was as if they had life on their own, moving from one end to another of the mirror. Some of them changed shape, others changed position, and others just plainly disappeared. But the many things that were written now read something else. I wasn't sure of what it was... there was something weird about it... almost... evil...
-"Fa... Fa... Fag..."—I read—"Fag... fag... fag..."
Fag. Fag. Fag. Fag. Fag.
All of them, accusing on the mirror. I saw my own face and found myself in shock and in tears. Before I could tell, there was no longer a restroom, but a red carpet; and I wasn't alone. Coming from both of my sides, there were flashing lights and people screaming. I couldn't see any of their faces, I could only see the cameras that were trying to get a shot of mine. The puppets were all around me, screaming accusingly.
-"CONNOR! CONNOR, TELL US ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TROYE!"—Some said.
-"CONNOR, IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE THE REASON WHY THE O2L FANDOM HAS STOPPED SUPPORTING YOUR CHANNEL!?"—Someone screamed.
-"CONNOR! IS THE REASON BEHIND THE PILLS AND YOUR DEPRESSION YOUR CLOSETED SEXUALITY!?"—A man questioned.
And behind them, in a choir of chants, I heard people screaming all sorts of things. Some said my name, some called me gay, and some told me they loved me. They were all screaming, and none of them made sense.
I have to get out of here.
Clasping my hands to my ears, I ran away, towards any direction. I hoped to get to the end of the walk, of the red carpet of shame, of embarrassment. It was a long stripe of red fabric across the floor, with black skies and no air. It was suffocating, but in the end I reached a door. I busted through, exhausted, and collapsed on my knees, pleading for breath.
When I came to my senses again, I saw that I was inside a bus. And not just any kind of bus, it was a tour bus. Why am I here? I should be with the rest of the brits back in London... Where is this?
I saw bunk beds to my right and to my left, and noticed that they all had names on their sheets. There was one that read "Ricky", one that read "Jc", "Kian" and finally, "Connor."
-"This is... this is the O2L tour bus..."—I said.
-"It is."
I turned around, startled by the sudden intervention. I saw the last person I expected to see here. Sitting on a chair that I'm sure belonged to her office, with a white lab coat as always and with her board on hand, was none other than Dr. Kellerman.
-"You'll be spending your nights and several days here for about a month's time, Connor."—she said—"How does that make you feel?"
She stood up, and I backed away. There was something in her eyes, just like the evil in the alleyway from before. Something that told me she couldn't be trusted.
-"Do you feel... nervous?"—she said, and then her face distorted into an ugly form before taking a different shape.
Now it was Andrea who was walking towards me.
-"Do you feel... scared?"
I kept backing off, and Andrea was once again transforming. Her beautiful tan skin changed into a pattern of unreadable fog. In no time Andrea was gone, and instead there was me. I was walking towards myself, and my eyes were bloodshot red.
-"Dou feel... happy?"
I kept backing off, I didn't want him to get to me. I didn't want me to get to me. I couldn't let that happen, they would hurt me. They would hurt me bad.
And then, I tripped.
I fell on my back and into empty space. I couldn't see anything, not a thing or a place. Time does not exist, not here, not anywhere. It has always been like this, and it will always be for me. Because I'm not nervous, scared or even happy. I'm just miserable.
SLAP!
-"OW!"—I yelled, for it had hurt as fuck.
I opened my eyes after reflexively taking a hand to my cheek, and saw that it had been Tyler the one who slapped me.
-"TYLER, WHAT THE FUCK!?"
But Tyler's face was not a mocking one, or a shocked one, or a sorry one. Tyler looked genuinely scared.
I took a moment to take in my surroundings. I'm on a train. On a train ride from London to Brighton, to spend a couple of days at Zoe's. Troye is not here... he must've gone to the restroom. There's people here though... and they're all looking at me...
-"Tyler... what is going on..."—I asked.
-"You were... sleeping... and all of the sudden you were fretting... I called your name and pushed you around for about five minutes, but you didn't react... I... I had to slap you, you were sweating and... you wouldn't wake up."
Well, some way to wake me up...
-"Sorry for that."—he said—"I just didn't know what to do. We're almost there by the way."
-"Yeah, thanks..."
You might be wondering what the hell is going on. Well I'm sorry I'm not very descriptive of anything lately. Allow me to summarize: after spending the last day from the lad's holiday in Rome, it was time for Digifest UK. In short it meant flying to London like I did last year, but if you remember correctly, Tyler had everything arranged with Zoe so that he, Troye and I would stay at her place after the event, in her city. It's called Brighton, and we're headed that way as we speak. Funny, though, how I usually consider this a monologue, but now I like to say that you and I are actually speaking... maybe it's always been like that anyway.
Digifest was good. I mean, it went better than expected. At least for me. But you already knew that, didn't you? Things could've been much, much worse, and I'm glad that they weren't. I also got to see my friends from all over the world, and after a long time (or at least it's been a long time to me) I met with Ricky, Jc, Kian, Trevor and Sam. We had a little group meeting before I made my way to Brighton today... because well, they didn't know.
-"You're not coming back to America with us?"—Kian asked.
-"What is this? You're bailing on us?"—Sam said.
We were in Ricky's hotel room. He had summoned all of us to discuss the following month, since we were so close to the beginning of the tour... Ricky was the only one who knew about me staying at Zoe's for a couple of days. I wasn't really on the best of my ability to communicate with any of them during the trip, so I could only spare to tell him. And now was when the rest were learning that.
-"It's already bad enough that Andrea is complaining about my rehearsals lately."—Kian pointed out—"This will just make things worse."
-"Chill guys, it's just for a couple of days."—Ricky said—"Right, Con?"
-"Yeah... it's really no big deal. I'll be back before you know it, and we can keep rehearsing like normal."
-"Well there's little point with rehearsing much more."—Jc pointed out—"We're almost on the due date. We'll be off soon, man."
-"Yes, that's true..."—I said—"I think I hadn't thought it through..."
It was a bit of a tense atmosphere. What is wrong with me? With us? As a team? I usually don't feel this much pressure with O2L. They're my friends. It shouldn't feel this way...
Luckily Trevor was of my same thinking, as he stood up, walked towards me and gave me a reassuring side hug. He then addressed the rest of the crew.
-"Oh come on guys, it's just three days more tops!"—he said—"Besides, I don't really think any of you is willing to go back to rehearse right away, right? That would be assassinating! At least for me..."
-"... Yes, Trev's right."—Sam said—"We can hold it off a couple more days."
-"We'll be back at it soon."—Ricky said—"Now, onto the next subject. I have an idea for next week's video theme. But I need all of you to agree with it..."
And it was then when Ricky told us that next week's theme for O2L would be vlog week.
Great. Like more vlogging were just what I needed.
-"Hey, Troye's back."—Tyler told me, snapping me out from my thoughts.
-"Sorry guys, the bathroom's ridiculously far away."—Troye said as he took his seat in front of me and Tyler—"It's literally three wagons away."
-"Not that it matters."—Tyler remarked—"We're at the station, look!"
I looked through the window and saw that Tyler was right. We had arrived at Brighton's train station. It was a crowded space, not as much as New York's central station, but still filled with people. The floors were of yellow marble and the arrival hall was lined with a series of tall columns that adorned the room. I swear you could walk on the floor and see your reflection staring back at you, that's how polished it was. It was like a scene from a movie, and we were all part of it. Tyler went first, as usual, with his luggage at hand, followed by me and Troye. Zoe said she would be expecting us here, but I didn't seem to see her...
-"Can't you spot Zoe?"—Troye asked—"She was supposed to meet us here..."
-"I don't really see her..."—I said—"Tyler! You're too far ahead! Wait for us!"
Tyler didn't wait thought. He kept going forward, searching impatiently for his friend. I swear sometimes he is a bit annoying.
Then, I felt somebody grab my forearm. I turned around, and there was Zoe, receiving me with a huge grin on her face.
A millisecond.
That much time is needed for ten million words to be said.
Don't believe me?
An image can say more than a thousand words, we all know that. And all of what you see gives you ten times a thousand messages. Someone who has seen a lot in their lives knows how that feels. I'm not saying that I have, but I do know that there is such a thing as that. And then there are a certain kind of people, those who are able to read you with their eyes. They can take a single glance at you and in less than a moment they see everything you see, or have seen.
Zoe Sugg is one of those people.
A millisecond, maybe even less, and I already knew that she knew everything about me. All the secrets, all the lies, and all the dark places. And she knew, too, that I had noticed. It's amazing, how much can be said just by looking at each other's eyes, but what I'm telling you right now is true—I'm not making it up. If I'm insane or to believe me is something you'll have to decide for yourself... but here, in this little conversation between you and me, I always tell you the truth.
Zoe knew that something was wrong with me. And from her look, I could tell she had more than just one theory. And she's going to find out whether I like it or not.
And I do not.
But our little revelation was over. Zoe Smiled widely and lunged herself over me, giving me a huge bear hug.
-"I'VE MISSED YOU GUYS!"—she said—"CONNOR I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!"
So much for the strangeness and the shock. I hugged Zoe back, as I heard Troye and Tyler reach over to us.
-"Let go off my gurl Franta!"—Tyler said, pushing me aside and hugging Zoe—"It's been FOR EVAH!"
-"It's roughly been a week..."—Troye remarked, as he took his turn in hugging Zoe.
After about five minutes of Zoe's hugs, Zoe finally spoke again.
-"I'm gonna have to ask you three to sleep on the couches."—she said—"I only have my own bed... and Joey is staying for one more night with us, too."
-"It's alright girl!"—Tyler remarked—"We don't mind! We've been sleeping anywhere we've been able to during the trip!"
-"Yeah it really isn't any big deal of sorts."—Troye said—"You don't have to worry about that."
-"Well then, how about we go? I have so much to talk about with you guys!"
We all walked towards the station's parking lot, Zoe had come here driving her car. It's funny how three grown men are being driven by a woman, especially since we're in England and chivalry hasn't died here at all... but well, all three men are gay so there's not really much of a surprise either. At least two of them are outed though.
Tyler got on the copilot and I got on the back seat with Troye. Zoe hopped in, fastened her seatbelt and fixed her rearview mirror a bit.
-"My flat is not far."—she said—"It'll be a five minute drive at the most."
Before Zoe started the car, she looked at me through the mirror, smirking, and winked an eye at me. Well, she's convinced that she's going to have her way after all, why wouldn't she. In the end, if I break down, it wouldn't be a surprise for anyone.
We soon reached Zoe's flat. It's a nice place, you've probably seen it before. It's mostly white and is filled with pretty furniture and she has two of the cutest guinea pigs I've ever seen. I've not seen much of guinea pigs before to be fair, but you get my drift. Joey Graceffa, fellow youtuber and another friend of ours had been staying here, too, and this was his last day. Tomorrow morning he was leaving, and that meant that I would be left alone with the girl who is trying to learn my secrets, the guy who is helping her and my best friend, who has no idea that I'm terrified of being here.
This would be one interesting stay.
-"You can't be serious?"—Troye asked me as I took out my vlogging camera from my suitcase—"You're vlogging?"
I gave him a puzzled look. I wasn't sure if it was because he was in his pajamas, or because his hair was all messed up, or because he had a mug filled with warm milk on his left hand, but this morning Troye looked particularly... sleepy. So his question seemed like an absurd one to me.
-"Well, it is vlog week in O2L."—I explained—"And I have a lot of footage from the lad's holiday... but turns out that Ricky wants the vlogs for the week to be voiced, and I hadn't done any of that. So today will have to do it."
-"Well, would you look at that...."—said Troye, as he went towards his piled up clothes and picked up Tyler's camera and showed it to me.
-"What's with that?"—I asked.
-"I asked Tyler for his camera, because I'm vlogging today, too."
I just stared at him. Like him, I was also in my pajamas and yet to get changed. Zoe, who had been listening, was at the kitchen having some coffee. We all looked at each other and just burst out laughing. Because hell, it was funny. Troye never vlogs. I never vlog. This coincidence thing needs to stop.
-"Well when are you guys getting changed?"—Zoe asked—"We should leave towards the festival!"
-"There's a festival?"—I asked—"How come?"
-"Oh, it's not just any festival... It's the Brighton fair! You've come here just in the right time! You guys will definitely love it! There's going to be food, and rides, and shops...!"
-"To be honest, all I care for is the food."—Troye said—"But yeah it's really convenient of us to have arrived during the festival!"
-"It really is lucky of us... if only Tyler would leave the bathroom so that we could go see for ourselves..."—I said.
-"Did somebody summon me?"
We all turned around and saw none other than Tyler Oakley exiting the bathroom wearing a pink bathrobe—undoubtedly Zoe's—and a matching teal colored towel wrapped around his head, and for some odd reason, he was holding a shirt with his left arm in sort of a flamboyant manner.
I take back what I said earlier, now we all burst out laughing.
-"How RUDE!"—Tyler said—"Making fun of your queen! Joey was a lot more respectful than the lot of you!"
-"Well Joey left yesterday!"—I said—"So we're free to laugh all we want!"
-"Oh really?"—Tyler said—"That's strange coming from you, Con Con. What happened with being a proper gentleman?"
I remembered then that Zoe had said that about me, before we left for the lad's holidays. When she invited me here. I turned around and saw her. She was taking a sip of her coffee, but in no time she grinned widely and spoke with an air of superiority.
-"For today, Connor has my permission to mock you all he wants."—she declared, leaving Tyler defeated.
A proper gentleman...
When she asked Alfie to put an eye on me, I wonder if she told him what she thought was going on. She probably has, Alfie is trustworthy, she loves him and besides any of that she wouldn't have gotten away without giving some sort of explanation.
Now that Tyler had lost his claim over the bathroom, I took a quick shower and got changed. Then, I grabbed the vlog camera I had brought with me all the way from the US. It's true that I had footage from the lad's holiday, but I didn't speak through any of it. I felt like I had to vlog it, because it's something that my viewers want to see. But I just... didn't really wanted to. It's not meant to work like this... I'm not supposed to do what everyone expects me to... it's supposed to be the other way around. I should be choosing what and when to vlog, to press record and play. I don't even enjoy vlogging, because of... the exposure...
What if they find out?
It's just for a day, I can't help but try to give it a shot. For O2L. For them. Always for them.... That's right. Now your place, Connor. The smile on this side of the screen.
My hair routine. I know, it sounds like a very lame start, I know. I can't help it, I've forgotten how to do this... besides there's a lot of viewers who keep asking me how I do my hair. I don't know why since they're mostly girl, so they can't really style it like I do... Wait, you don't really think they attempt to, do they? No, that can't be it... oh wait, maybe what's going on is that they write fanfictions! Yeah, they probably do, and if they write in my point of view then at some moment they must address my "morning routine", hence the hair tutorial. Well, here ya have it. It's not really much of a hassle. Sorry to disappoint you. Before I continued, Zoe complimented my hair. There's not really much to it, it's like almost every other day, but she did so anyway.
Zoe's guinea pigs. There's two of them, their names are Pippin and Percy. Pippin is the generally calm one, the one which is less furry. Percy on the other hand is like a fur ball on your palm. They're cute, I give you that... Ok who am I even kidding. They're impossibly adorable. And that's saying a lot, given that I HATE small animals... but these two are too much. Troye is feeding them lettuce. It's funny how we're both going to vlog the same day... I wonder if the viewers will notice? Well it's not like they're blind! Of course they will... Well, nothing too strong to defeat the Troyler monster, but a good ship can always sail around in Tumblr. Zoe came towards me and whispered in my ear that she personally shipped Tronnor more than Troyler, but she asked me not to tell anyone. So turns out my ship name with Troye is Tronnor? I'll keep that in mind for a future collab.
Off to the city. Walk through the streets, a laugh or two. We met some of the other youtubers who were here as well. Alfie was with Ben, Louis and some others who were staying at his place, just as we were staying at Zoe's. Zalfie is pretty popular host, apparently. Lunch, a huge burger. They don't see me eat of course, I just show the aftermath. It's not like that's interesting... well if I've learned anything from Louis' vlogs it's that it actually is pretty darn interesting. But really, me eating? That should bore anyone to death. At least I did ate... that's progress. I saw Zoe checking if I ate. She worries, despite not knowing what is going on...
We then headed towards a random photo booth. Tyler gave indications and we took four pictures. I really like them, they're pretty and make us look like a happy family. Come to think of it, Zoe reminds me a bit of my mom. Not because she looks like her, because she does not at all, but because she's so... motherly. Maybe I should tell her... let her know...
The Brighton pier. The ocean here roars with might. It's almost like being back at LA, seeing the beach like this. But it's different in a way. The wind, for starters. It's blowing me away quite literally. I doubt anything I'm saying to the camera is even heard. But Troye is having the same problem, so I don't give it much thought. For a moment, I decided to play with the wind. I just stood there against it and inclined by body a little. It was so strong that it kept me from falling... So this is what Andrea meant, back in Hawaii. The caresses of the wind. They keep you standing, even when you're about to fall. Sometimes we need something like that, something that keeps you from falling down to your knees. Does Andrea need something like that? Someone like that? Maybe she and Kian are not so happy after all... I wonder how she's doing.
There was an arcade at the pier, where we spent a good couple of hours. That was fun, and Tyler and I won against Troye and Zoe in air hockey. Unluckily for all for us, we didn't have enough tickets to get any prizes. Is it sad that both Tyler and Zoe wanted to take the huge panda bear plush doll? Troye and I just laughed at them for a while, but quite honestly it was a fun doll.
Later that night we returned to Zoe's where we met with all the others again, and we all went to watch a local concert. I'm not much into underground rock, as you may remember. But the style of the songs reminded me of one other song, the one I had heard back in San Francisco, when I told my problem to Troye...
When oblivion is calling out your name...
You always take it further than I ever have...
Bastille was the name of that band, and hell they were right. Oblivion keeps calling for me, almost every day. Few things keep me here, wanting more of life. Things like colors in the sky, the laughter of my friends, the nice comments on my videos and in O2L... and the pills.
They are everywhere I look.
In people's smiles, in the sound of the waves, in the smell of candy corn. Anything that should make me feel good makes me feel so, so bad. And it's because I can't stop thinking about the pills. All of them blue, inside their little flask... safely inside my luggage, waiting for me to need them the next morning, and the next one, and again, again...
Take, sip, swallow, repeat. Take, sip, swallow, repeat. Blue pills that take away the few good things that make me feel bad.
You don't have to say anything. I know I'm not making any sense.
Well... there goes the vlog.