I finished talking to the camera, shut it off and put it down. I have just finished filming my live reaction for a million subscribers. One million. That's insane. I can't believe that so many people, throughout the whole world, like to watch my videos.
In all honesty, my work has been just worse and worse lately. And it's pointless to say people follow me because of my looks. When I see into the mirror on my bathroom, I see a different person staring back. This is not myself. Dark circles have started to draw below my eyes. I keep adding moisturizing cream so that nobody has to notice. But I do notice. I also notice the wrinkles that form on my face. I notice the tired look in my eyes. I notice the two scars on my left wrist, which accuse me of being weak.
I can't handle myself anymore. I should just take a shower. Yes, a hot shower. Let the water clean you off. Inhale the vapors, and then, just try to forget... try to forget the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Because three years ago this was just for fun.
Now it's one million people to impress.
I don't know how I'm supposed to pull this off. I don't know if I can take it. But I have to try; if I don't, then I'll have lost the only thing that I care about. The people who watch me are the only ones that keep me going.
Not even the pills.
-"Con! Con! Are you decent!?"—I heard Ricky call from outside my bedroom.
After listening to his shouting, I noticed that I was far from decent. For some reason I had stripped down and was wearing no clothes at all, my hair was a mess, and to top it off, I was crying. I think I was intending to shower, but for some reason I hadn't gotten into the bathroom yet. I was just standing in the middle of my bedroom, looking at the mirror, and at my broken image. Ricky can't see me like this.
-"Con...?"
I tried my best to hide my face. I really didn't care about the naked part. Ricky lived with me anyway; he had seen me naked at some point before. I cared about the fact that he might have seen me crying.
-"Oh, geez! Sorry, didn't realize you were naked!"—he said, looking away. I took the chance and rushed into the bathroom and closed the door.
-"It's ok! Don't worry. But yeah I'm about to shower..."—I said, as I turned on the faucet.
-"Well, I just wanted to congratulate you! A million subscribers, Con! That's awesome!"
-"Yeah... I know right?"
-"Me and the guys were thinking that maybe we should go celebrate?"
I stood motionless in the shower. Shit. I can't cope myself to be well on such a short notice. It would require mayor strength. I took a look at my lavatory, and saw my pill bottle. It was there, ready for usage. But today is Sunday. I'm not meant to take a pill today. Dr. Kellerman had increased my dose, yes, but to Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The weekends were supposed to be pill free. How can I just go on like this, though?
-"You know what? Never mind, if you're not feeling like doing anything..."—I heard Ricky say, as he started to walk away. I can't do this...
-"No, wait, Ricky! That's a great idea!"—I said, as I turned on the shower.
-"You mean it?"—I heard him ask, a bit more excited.
-"Of course! Just let me get ready, I'll be out in ten!"
Ricky left my room at a happier pace, and I was left to wonder what the hell I could do now. Somehow, I knew that my only choice left was to put up a show so that the guys wouldn't realize that I'm feeling this miserable. Yes, that's it; I'll have to put on a show. Just like how I have been doing in front of my camera for two months now, and just how I will keep doing as long as I have... this. Whatever this is. I exited my shower and changed into appropriate clothing, ready to leave the room. I put on some cologne and headed out, to have a night of fun, or at least to give it a try. Not before taking my flask of pills and hiding them in the secret spot I had designed just for them though, of course. There was gap between my dresser and my bed which had a loose tile. That was the only place in the room where nobody else would find them. I couldn't afford anyone else finding them. I didn't want to explain. Because explaining would be complicated, and I do not dig complicated.
But things always have to get complicated. Or at least that's what I noticed as soon as O2L, as in the whole channel, hit a million subscribers around Christmas.
My channel had hit the milestone back in October 30th, right before Halloween, but on the 23th of December, while I was at Minnesota to spend the Holidays with my family, Ricky called me to tell me that O2L would be hitting a million subscribers sometime soon. He had this awesome plan about doing a collective Skype call with all the gang and reacting together to it, to later post it on YouTube. So, we did. And the video was posted, and everyone was happy. Or well, not everyone.
Today is Christmas, and it's about to be midnight. In a few days I'm heading back to LA. Right now, I'm just lying on my bed thinking. By this point, you may have all guessed that whenever I start to think just like this, on my own... it gets pretty scary. Dr. Kellerman has already heard about my dark places, but there's not much she can do about those. She says that those are entirely up to me. But it's hard, you know? It's hard to come up with good things inside my head. It's hard not to think about my flaws. I still can't believe I hit a million subscribers a month ago. I find it unbelievable. I just... why would they want to watch me? The five reasons I had listed about me that made me especial... did they actually mean something? No. They could not. There are many more things that do mean something, though. And they are not good ones.
Like the time I placed the blade against my skin. If people found out, they would realize what a mess I am. Or how about the fact that I'm lying to my closest friends, pretending everything is nice and happy, when it obviously isn't? Then there's the fact that I am dead jealous of Kian and how he has grown into Ricky. I shouldn't be jealous about that, it has no justification. So what if I'm not Ricky's best friend anymore? Or maybe I never was on the first place, and now the world has made me realize it. Then there's Troye, who keeps talking with me via Skype and whom I use to escape from reality. As if he were a TV show I could just watch aimlessly, waiting for life to roll by.
I would have kept going on in my head about a million more reasons for why a million people would get bored of me, but my laptop started ringing out of the blue. Could this be...? I put the pill back in the flask and then answered the call, to realize it was Troye.
-"CONGRATULATIONS ON A MILLION SUBSCRIBERS...!"—Troye said, with a party hat on his head. Really, what the hell?
-"HAHAHAHAHAHA...!"
-"What's so funny!?"
-"You're wearing a party hat!"
-"Well, it's a celebration, isn't it?"
-"Oh, geez, Troye..."
Speaking of the devil, of course... Troye was laughing his ass of, and I wasn't really sure of what face to put on.
-"By the way"—he said—", the congratulations are both for O2L and your main channel, bud! Just yesterday I noticed that I hadn't congratulated you on that one back in October..."
-"Well, you didn't have to! O2L getting here is way a bigger deal than my channel..."
-"You're kidding, right? Your channel is hilarious, Connor!"
-"Meh, it's not really that special..."
-"Don't go down on me, ok? It IS a big deal and you ARE going to celebrate with me and my party hat, deal!? Besides it's Christmas, which means that you should be happy!"
-"But you're Jewish..."
-"So!? Merry Christmas anyway!"
He then took out a whistle and blew it, mimicking a party scene. I couldn't help but laugh. I don't deserve the friends that I have.
-"Happy Hanukah, Troye..."
-"Thanks! Now, before I chicken out like the sorry wuss I am, there is something I need to show you."
-"Wha...?"
-"DON'T SAY ANYTHING! Just, listen..."
And it was then when it started playing.
At first, soft. Barely rhythmical, the melody consisted of a single sound, which appeared to be a synthesizer. Then, the drums. No voice whatsoever, but the song stung deep into me anyway. It was a marvelous sound. I just closed my eyes and allowed myself to wonder inside the music, getting myself lost between realms.
I saw myself on the shore of a deserted beach in the middle of the night. I saw the moon shining down on me, and I was entirely on my own. A soft breeze brushed my skin, but I did not mind; the feeling was good. It wasn't cold, and I certainly was enjoying the loneliness. I didn't care that I was getting myself wet in the middle of nowhere. For once, whatever I was doing felt... right. The music made the waves dance beneath my feet. I saw the water and felt like going for a swim, or rather for a float. It was like sinking into the cold, but not feeling bad at all. The water... the music... this song... it... it took me away... to somewhere much more colorful...
-"Connor... are you crying?"
The words snapped me back into reality. The song had stopped playing, and Troye was looking at me. I could not read his eyes. It was as if he was seeing at a ghost. I took a hand to my eye and saw that there were in fact tears.
-"That song... it's..."
-"Shit. You hate it. You absolutely hate it. It sucks! Dammit, why am I so stupid-!?"
-"Troye!"—I said, snapping at him—"That song was BEAUTIFUL!"
Troye stopped ranting and gave me a huge grin, almost in disbelief of what I had just said.
-"You... you really think so?"
-"ARE YOU JOKING?"—I said—"YOU MADE ME FUCKING CRY! THAT'S HOW GOOD IT IS!"
And I meant it. That music—whatever it was—it had given me something I hadn't noticed before. Even if it was just for a couple of glorious seconds, it had given me a happy place.
-"Oh my God... that's amazing! This is what I was so scared to show you!"
-"You're working on a song?"
-"I'm actually... well... don't tell ANYONE, ok?"
-"Deal."
-"A couple of months ago, on my birthday, I signed with Capitol Records..."
I felt a smile drawing on my face.
-"And this is the first, of course unfinished, song of... my upcoming EP!"
-"Troye, that's FANTASTIC! I'm so happy for you!"
-"I have only told you and Tyler out of all the YouTube gang. I wanted to tell you so bad for so long now, but I was afraid that if I showed you and unfinished song, you would have thought it was lame..."
-"Lame!? This is an awesome song! I can't wait to listen to the finished product!"
Troye dropped the grin then and looked away, ashamed. Something is wrong.
-"Because... you are finishing this song, right...?"
-"It's just that... I honestly am having a really hard time with this one. With the lyrics, I mean. I already have a couple of love songs written down and everything, but this one... the sound is so different, you know? I was kind of hoping it could be for something else."
Ooooh... so this was what had him worried. Music! Of course, that's an actual issue, unlike my stupid head problems. He was starting off a career, and was worried because of one of his prime products. I may be no musician, but I understood at least that much.
-"Well, Troye Boy, I'm not good with poetry or anything..."—I said—"But I tell you, do not waste that song. The music it... it just..."
I struggled to say what I wanted to say about the song. About how it made me feel. I don't know how he would react, but I... it made me...
-"... It's a masterpiece, Troye."
Troye looked up to me and just looked. He dug into my eyes, searching for wounds. But I wouldn't let him find them. I was not intending to. Sure I almost break down there and then, and spill out every single demon that has been haunting me lately. But I'm not about to lose my temper just now.
-"And I think it's an amazing sound, and that it deserves to be heard."—I added—"And I feel honored that you chose to show it to me."
-"Wow, Con... I... I don't know what to say..."—he said, blushing a little—"I didn't expect you would like it this much..."
-"You are very talented, Troye."
We laughed it off a little and I felt the tension leave the room.
We spent the next couple of hours talking about the EP. He told me he was going to call it TRXYE, and that it was most likely going to be released on VidCon 2015. That's not so far away from now, but it means a lot of work for Troye until then.
I just hope that the song does not leave the track list.
Because you see, what that song did to me was far worse than what anything else had done so far.
That song made me remember what it was like to be happy.