-"Are you sure you're feeling ok?"—Troye asked from the other end of the Skype call—"You don't look well."
And I knew what he meant, I was not feeling well. Lately that's not a thing. But even so, I was not meant to show or to even admit that he was right. I am supposed to stay strong.
-"I'm just way too sleepy today"—I said, without acknowledging the actual problem—"that's all."
-"Well, if you say so..."—he said, lowering his gaze.
It is very early in the morning. The other guys are sleeping, and I'm here skyping with Troye. He said there was something he wanted to tell me, but so far we've just talked about average stuff.
It's been a couple of days since I've last seen Dr. Kellerman. On that very same day I came back to my LA house with the boys, and they all were surprised to see me back. They had thought I wasn't returning so soon. The pills are still in the bottle, untouched. I couldn't bring myself to take them. But her words are still echoing in my head, mocking me. The assignment she had given me was haunting my thoughts. I haven't even thought about it. Well, actually I have, but in all honesty I couldn't bring myself to think about anything to tell her next time I was over.
-"Hey, Con..."—Troye asked, suddenly.
-"Hmph? What is it?"
-"Remember I had told you there was something I wanted to talk about...?"
I leaned in closer to the screen.
-"Yes? What is it?"
-"Well, I don't know... it's a very personal thing."
-"Well, if you want to talk about something, I'm here to listen."
When I told this to Troye I thought of Dr. Kellerman. The way she addressed me at her office made me feel secure, safe. Maybe if I try to act like her, I'll appear more trustable to Troye, and help him get whatever he needs off his chest.
-"I... I have been working on something."
-"Really?"
-"I... you know what? Never mind..."
He suddenly got quiet and stopped right there. I felt disappointed, but I understood. Sometimes there are things we want to talk about, but it's very hard to do so.
-"Don't worry"—I said—", I understand. But, if you ever need to say anything, don't doubt to tell me."—I gave him my best smile. Being a nice friend (or attempting to be) is the good thing left I can do.
-"Thanks, maybe... maybe someday..."
I saw a beam of light shine down into my room. It was starting to dawn. Another morning, a different day. But still, every single time it feels like a bigger struggle.
-"Hey, Con..."—Troye said.
-"Yeah?"
-"You're a very good friend."
The compliment caught me by surprise, but I found myself smiling anyway.
-"You say that because we have just met..."—I said—"I mean, if you lived with me like the other guys, you would get sick of me."
-"No, don't say that."—he answered back—"We may not hang out much, and we've just become friends like this, but I feel like you are here for me."
-"You really think so?"
-"Sometimes it's hard to remember"—he said with a soft, solemn tone—"that I form part of this, you know? Of the whole gang. I live really far away, and I've only been to VidCon once... but you and Tyler are my friends, you keep communicating with me. Though lately he's been very busy, and here you are."—he added, looking at peace—"And I appreciate that. I appreciate that you keep me company and make me laugh a bit."
My stomach clinched in little forms of pain. I don't know why I feel so guilty due to this. He's telling me he appreciates me. Why does that feel bad? Maybe it's because I feel like I'm using him to distract me from whatever is happening in my head?
-"That's so nice for you to say, Troye boy... but we're just getting to know each other..."
-"Yeah, but aren't we all?"
After conversing for a little bit more, Troye was off Skype, and I was left alone with my thoughts. I don't even know what time it is at the moment. Since it's dawning already, ti's probably around 6:30 or something. I can't help but wonder what was it that Troye was trying to tell me, though...
-"Hey, good morning Con."—I heard and saw Ricky standing at my door, which I had forgotten to lock down last night. He was wearing his pajamas and looked very sleepy.
-"Hey, Ricks, good morning."
-"So... I see you haven't slept?"
-"Why do you think that...?"
-"Well, for starters"—he motioned towards my attire, and I realized what he meant—"last night's outfit gives you away, Con da Bon."
-"Well... yes, I've had trouble sleeping. But I did sleep, I swear!"
-"Well... today I'm heading to awesomeness. I was wondering if you wanted to tag along?"
I saw Ricky's eyes, and realized that I was being tested. Sure enough he was suspicious of my attitude. But, just like with Troye, nobody can know about this thing happening to me. I'll figure it out on my own. But I do not feel like tagging along. Well, I never feel like that. But I have to; I have to prove that I can do this. Ricky must not suspect a thing. Not a single thing.
-"Sure! When are you leaving?"—I asked, giving the most convincing look of excitement I could. To my surprise, Ricky smiled.
-"In about an hour. You'll let me know when you're ready?"
-"Yeah! I'll get down in some minutes."
Ricky left my room and I was left with a problem at hands. I couldn't keep up to speed for a whole day. I couldn't keep up to speed for ten minutes with anyone. I was not feeling like leaving the house.
I want to wrap up and stay here, lie on my bed, try to sleep, fail miserably and just stare at nothing.
The pills. They are here. I can try to take one; I can listen to Dr. Kellerman. I can rely on the reds and the yellows.
I grabbed the bottle and took out one pill. Today is Monday. One pill per day, two days a week. I took it in my hand, placed it on my tongue, and swallowed.
Today, whether I like it or not, sad is not a choice.
-"The skit was so much fun!"—I told Ricky, as I took a sip from my Starbucks—"You're so lucky to be able to film with Awesomeness so often, Ricky! I hope I get a role soon as well!"
-"Well, thanks Con! I'm sure you'll get a good deal pretty soon."—He said as he sipped his frap—"You're oddly excited today."
-"You think so? It's just that it's been a while since I've last seen you film on set, and you've always been able to crack me up you know?"
Ricky laughed, I wasn't sure at what. We were currently in a Starbucks by the AwesomessTV studio, and I was actually feeling quite good, which was new. The bright day lightened my mood, the skit I saw Ricky film was hilarious, the coffee was delicious and it was Monday, which meant I had to upload soon and all my viewers would get to see my new video. Damn, is it a good day!
-"No, but I mean"—Ricky said—"you look rarely good today. Usually you've been... well... moody."
I felt my gaze fall a little.
-"Yeah, I know... sorry about being a mess."
-"Hey, nobody said a thing about messes! Anyway, let's talk about something else, ok?"
-"Sure!"
We were just talking about the average stuff. It felt good to be able to laugh for a change, especially with Ricky. Given that he is the closest to me out of all O2L, it really means a lot to me to have him being my friend.
-"Connor, there was something I was hoping I could talk with you about..."
-"Hmm? Sure! What is it?"
What is it with people wanting to tell me things lately anyway?
-"It's about... well... Rickian."
I almost choked on my drink.
-"Ri... Rickian? As in... your ship with Kian?"
-"Well... yes, yes it is."
I didn't like where this was going.
-"Well... what about it?"
-"I know it sounds odd, but... well... it's not really about Rickian, it's more about... ugh... I don't know how to put it... it's about Andr—-"
-"Do you want some fro-yo!?"—I asked suddenly, junping off my chair—"I could use a fro-yo!"
-"Wha—-!?"
-"Come on! There's a Pinkberry right across the street!"
I then proceeded to walk across the street, Ricky following me, rather weirded out. I didn't want him to tell me what he was about to say, because I knew what he was going to say. And I didn't want to deal with it.
-"Connor! I'm trying to tell you something!"
I froze in the middle of the sidewalk. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to listen despite anything.
-"We can get some fro-yo first! Come on, I bet it can wait—-"
-"I like Andrea, ok!?"—Ricky said to my back.
And there it was. Shit. I had no choice but to turn around and look at Ricky with an unimpressed look on my face.
-"You... you knew!?"—Ricky asked.
-"Oh come on! Do you really think I'm that oblivious?"—I asked, pretending to be offended.
-"Well... I didn't know you could tell..."
-"Why would you say that? I see the way you look at her, Ricky. Kian has no clue, but I can tell that you like her, and a lot."
-"Man, if you noticed, I don't know if Kian would..."
-I wouldn't count on that. He suspects nothing."
-"I was starting to doubt if I should tell you this, because you may think I'm a horrible friend..."
-"Dude,"—I said—"how could think that? I mean, you're my best—-"
-"I don't know what to do!"—he cut me off—"I'm crushing for my best friend's girlfriend!"
Oh.
-"What's wrong with me!?"—he said—"She's definitely the prettiest girl in the whole universe, right? But, that's no excuse! I can't stop feeling guilty, because I know Kian would never do the same to me!"
I nodded and tried my best not to change the confused look on my face for a miserable one.
-"I would normally talk with Kian about stuff like this"—he said—"but this is obviously not one of those cases..."
-"Well... that's... a shame, Ricky, but..."
-"I'm such a shitty friend. I can't believe myself, and I don't know what to do..."
Oh come on Connor. You can't be surprised by this. You knew this. You knew you and Ricky had grown apart a lot, and that Kian was hanging out with him a lot more. You knew you've been a shitty friend lately. In fact, you're being such a shitty friend now, that instead of trying to help him out, you're feeling sorry for yourself. You should feel sorry for yourself, but because you are such a lame excuse for a friend.
I walked over to Ricky and gave him a hug. Just like that. He seemed to be taken by surprise, but I didn't care.
-"You're not a shitty friend. It's just the wrong time and place."—I let him go and gave him an understanding smile—"I don't think this is the best place to talk about this, though."
After literally three hours of Ricky telling me about how he felt about Andrea and how much he didn't want Kian to know, we were both sitting at a bench in Venice beach.
-"So, what can I do?"—Ricky asked.
-"You can't help the way you feel."—I said—"But it is wrong, Ricky. You know that."
-"Yeah..."
We were having frozen yogurt, and mine was melting from the heat. I didn't really know how to think about this whole situation. Ricky was really hurt, and he had gone all over and over about how he didn't want to let Kian down. Kian really does mean a lot to him.
Unlike me.
-"You know what, Connor?"—he asked—"I'm thankful you were up to come with me today. I really needed someone to get this off my chest with."
-"Well, glad I could help."
-"That's awesome on you, really."—he looked back at the beach—"You should be really proud of that."
-"Hmm? Of what?"
-"Of being such an awesome confidant, you know."—he said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world—"That's something I bet you love about youself."
Something clicked in my brain when he said that.
-"Should we head back to the house?"—I said.
-"Yeah, it's probably best..."
Maybe this whole situation did help me a bit after all.
As soon as I entered my room back at the O2L house, after greeting Kian and Jc, I took a piece of paper and wrote down, while sitting on my desk.
-"Five... things... that... make... me... special..."
Wishbone had entered my room and wigged his tail at me.
-"So, you're here to help, Wishbone?"—I said, lifting the dog up and getting on my bed, with a notebook and the piece of paper on top of it.
I patted Wishbone on his head and, after confirming everyone was downstairs doing different things, started talking to the dog.
-"What should I write down, huh? Ricky has already helped with one of the things I need to put."
Wishbone barked happily and sniffed, eager to participate, despite the obvious mishap of he being a dog.
-"You're right, I should write that down first... so... 'trustworthy'... that sounds good, right? I think it sums up the whole confidant thing."
I then took my laptop and started browsing my videos, looking for good, positive comments. There sure had to be some, right? Maybe I wasn't able to see the good things I'm meant to have, but people who know me definitely do. Ricky made me realize that. Even if I can't fool myself, I can fool the rest of the world.
-"Hey, look at this!"—I told Wishbone—"All the comments on this video are about how awesome it is that I was the state champion in the mile! I guess that counts, right?"
I wrote down 'good swimmer', and browsed on a different video.
-"Well, there are always some comments about my eyes... I guess they're alright, but how to put it without making it seem too cocky? Maybe just writing down 'cool looking eyes' will do the trick... yeah that's it... but I don't think the whole point was for it to be about physical traits. Well, at least I got three things down, haven't I?"
On a different video, one I had done with Tyler, someone said that they were amazed on how I was straight and yet so comfortable around Tyler. And then on some of my vlogs (which I suck at keeping up constantly, I know) someone said a similar thing. So I wrote down 'open minded', because in a way it also means that, asides from not judging people, you are willing to understand them and try new things, and that's one thing I know I try my best to be.
I had trouble for the last one, but I recalled the Skype conversation I had with Troye today morning. He had said that he appreciated how I kept him company. Maybe I can put something like that down...?
After a lot of thinking and patting Wishbone on the head, my list read as the following:
Five things that make me especial:
1) trustworthy and good listener
2) really good swimmer
3) cool looking green eyes
4) open minded with people and experiences
5) reliable to make my friends laugh
I felt like this would convince Dr. Kellerman that I had worked really hard on my assignment. At least that's as much as I expect.
I walked over to my window and saw Ricky and Kian talking in the garden, by the pool. Rickian... At first it seemed like a minor thing, but they are by far the most popular ship within the O2L fandom. I don't blame them, the two are really close friends and that tells on camera. Very close best friends. Ever since Kian moved in, he has become much closer to Ricky than what he was with Sam, and that's saying something. He may not show it online, but Kian is very dependent on us. He is the youngest here in the house, and to top it off, the craziest. Sometimes Andrea and Ricky are the only ones that can keep him on the line. I knew he always looked up to Ricky. But, I didn't know that Ricky trusted him this much...
-"Wishboooooone!"—I heard Jc shout from somewhere downstairs—"Where are you buddy?"
Wishbone immediately left my thighs and my room, headed towards his master's call.
Well, it seems I'm really the only one without a best friend in this house.
Now that I think about, I don't think I have a best friend at all.
... Now there's something to talk about with Dr. Kellerman.